"You're being mean"

[4Years5Months]

I'm feeling strangely detached from my ex now (in a good way) and frankly, even typing this post feels like a chore.  Again, that's a good feeling to have right now.  Tomorrow will be six months since she last broke up with me.  I think time has a lot to do with it.  I do want to relay one last conversation I had with her earlier this week.  I think it really provides insight into a BPD mind.

I asked her why she hated me now, considering I did nothing wrong.  This was the response I got.  I was amazed that she said this much:

"I hate you because of envy. I'm mad that you'll get to have a wonderful life now, easily, and not ever have to worry about money again. That amount of money would make me the happiest person in the world.  Meanwhile, I will have to struggle for the rest of my life.  You basically just won the lottery.  And I'm allowed to feel an immense amount of anger and hatred toward anyone with that luck.

That money would solve every single one of my problems.  Now you get to do all of these things like it's no (bleeping) problem.  You are a lottery winner.  So yeah, I'm a bad person. All I care about is money.  If I had to choose between getting 1 million dollars right now with the caveat that I had to be alone forever, I would choose that.  Over not having any money.

So again... .it's very unfair. It's very frustrating. You'll have the easiest life ever from this point forward. You'll get to enjoy things. I have none of that. And I never will.  If I had that amount of money, all of my problems would be solved. Just like all of YOUR problems are now solved.  Lucky for you, you get that luxury.

I will never feel what that feels like. I will never feel a sense of relief. I will never get to travel. I will never have a nice place. I will never get to pay off my debts in a day.  So I do hate you. I hate that you get all of these things and I don't.  You have no idea what this feels like. You never will."



Again for the record, I'm not inheriting a million dollars.  Much, much less than that.  I'm in no way set for life.  But it's interesting how she exaggerates the amount.  It's nice to know the "hate" she has for me is based on jealously and envy.  But I find it amazing how she goes right to HATING me rather than simply being jealous.  Hating me projects her issues onto me.  It's also black/white thinking.  Being envious is murkier and is about HER.  Hating me is my fault, not hers.

Funny how she told me throughout our entire relationship that she was going to move to NYC and have a six figure job.  It was her excuse when she broke up with me for the last time ("We have different life goals!"  Now she will NEVER get to have that, NEVER get to travel (again with the black/white thinking).  Such a victim.

I guess the only other thing I wanted was for her to admit leaving me was a mistake, especially considering the current circumstances.  But she didn't, and I didn't expect her to.  Oh well.

[sirhero]

I'm feeling strangely detached from my ex now (in a good way) and frankly, even typing this post feels like a chore.  Again, that's a good feeling to have right now.  Tomorrow will be six months since she last broke up with me.  I think time has a lot to do with it.  I do want to relay one last conversation I had with her earlier this week.  I think it really provides insight into a BPD mind.

I asked her why she hated me now, considering I did nothing wrong.  This was the response I got.  I was amazed that she said this much:

"I hate you because of envy. I'm mad that you'll get to have a wonderful life now, easily, and not ever have to worry about money again. That amount of money would make me the happiest person in the world.  Meanwhile, I will have to struggle for the rest of my life.  You basically just won the lottery.  And I'm allowed to feel an immense amount of anger and hatred toward anyone with that luck.

That money would solve every single one of my problems.  Now you get to do all of these things like it's no (bleeping) problem.  You are a lottery winner.  So yeah, I'm a bad person. All I care about is money.  If I had to choose between getting 1 million dollars right now with the caveat that I had to be alone forever, I would choose that.  Over not having any money.

So again... .it's very unfair. It's very frustrating. You'll have the easiest life ever from this point forward. You'll get to enjoy things. I have none of that. And I never will.  If I had that amount of money, all of my problems would be solved. Just like all of YOUR problems are now solved.  Lucky for you, you get that luxury.

I will never feel what that feels like. I will never feel a sense of relief. I will never get to travel. I will never have a nice place. I will never get to pay off my debts in a day.  So I do hate you. I hate that you get all of these things and I don't.  You have no idea what this feels like. You never will."



Again for the record, I'm not inheriting a million dollars.  Much, much less than that.  I'm in no way set for life.  But it's interesting how she exaggerates the amount.  It's nice to know the "hate" she has for me is based on jealously and envy.  But I find it amazing how she goes right to HATING me rather than simply being jealous.  Hating me projects her issues onto me.  It's also black/white thinking.  Being envious is murkier and is about HER.  Hating me is my fault, not hers.

Funny how she told me throughout our entire relationship that she was going to move to NYC and have a six figure job.  It was her excuse when she broke up with me for the last time ("We have different life goals!"  Now she will NEVER get to have that, NEVER get to travel (again with the black/white thinking).  Such a victim.

I guess the only other thing I wanted was for her to admit leaving me was a mistake, especially considering the current circumstances.  But she didn't, and I didn't expect her to.  Oh well.

Of course she's not going to admit leaving you was a mistake, which is why she is lashing out at you now. This inheritance you got, if you guys were still together, what would you do with it? She seems to believe money would solve all of her problems, but we know that would only be band-aid until something else came up. 4years you're a lot more resilient than me my friend having read your story I would've cut contact completely awhile ago. I have a semi-casual friendship with my BPDx. We talk once or twice every few months usually just a "hi, how are you?" type of thing nothing more. I'm glad you're feeling detached (in a good way). IMO I honestly don't think she deserves your friendship treating you the way she does, but I understand where you're coming from and the hope to be friends with an ex. Just keep up your boundaries man and you should be fine. Keep us posted!

[Mutt]

That money would solve every single one of my problems.  

I agree 4Years5Months it sounds like her anger is directed at you because your cast as persecutor and she is cast in victim role.

The line above, it sounds like she may want rescue.

What would help her solve her problems long-term?

Money or making a commitment to help herself with therapy? She may also not be aware that she has issues and wanting to make those changes.

[4Years5Months]

Sirhero, if we had remained together, we would have used the money to further build our future.  We haven't lived together since she decided to go back to college three years ago, so we would have likely gotten an apartment or house.  We would have traveled, and enjoyed life... .which is what I will be doing alone now without her.  My uncle (who left me the money) had been in declining health for several years.  I told her he would leave me a substantial amount of money when he passed away... .although I didn't know how much.  When I told her the amount (again, not a million dollars, but it's six figures) is when she went off the cliff and decided she "hated" me. 

Somewhere in her mind she HAS to be thinking, "If I only had stayed with him."  It's not like she broke up with me years ago.  It has been six months.  And my replacement is a extreme pwBPD who she constantly fights with.  She did tell me she was also moving downtown in a couple of months, but considering she always talks about having no money (she lives with her mom currently) I'm not sure how she is going to do it, unless it's with the replacement, who she has vigorously said she wouldn't live with given the volatile nature of their relationship.  Hmmm. 

She also lives outside her means.  She buys all of her groceries at Whole Foods, bought a 2013 car brand new, goes out to expensive restaurants... .but "never" has any money.  Her mom is the same way.  I've been at their apartment when a police officer knocked on the door with a court summons for her mom not paying several bills.  And yet she dresses up and goes out on the town almost every night.  The very definition of a mid-life crisis, and wow, what a pwBPD she is, too.  I wonder where my ex gets her behavior from, eh?

I find it interesting that she said she would "be alone forever" if someone offered her a million dollars.  I wonder what my replacement would think about that comment.  I have no doubt she would take the money and run if the situation was reversed.  I guess it further establishes that she isn't someone to be in a relationship with.

Mutt,  I have been waiting for her to try and sneak her way back into my life now that I will have this money.  I was shocked at how bluntly she now "hates" me, but at the same time I wonder if it's an odd way of trying to gain sympathy so I invite her back into the fold.  I don't know if that makes since, but she talks as if her life is ruined and hopeless and it's almost like she's wanting me to extend the olive branch.

There are times she is incredibly self aware that she has issues, usually when she is in pull back mode.  But she always stops short of working on herself.  She'll say "I resent you" but instead of saying "I know that's incorrect to feel that way and I want to change that" she will instead say "I don't know why, but I do."  She accepts her feelings as whole and true.  And that's why she won't make progress.  Sirhero, you're right.  She could have a brownstone in New York City and ten million dollars, and she would have a sugar high of excitement of course, but she would eventually grow to loathe life again.  She is chronically unhappy, and that can't be fixed with material things.

[Mutt]

Hi 4Years5Months,

It makes sense we were fixers and helpers?

I like your analogy with extending the olive branch and it would be ( rescue )

My advice is listen to your intuition.

[sirhero]

Sirhero, if we had remained together, we would have used the money to further build our future.  We haven't lived together since she decided to go back to college three years ago, so we would have likely gotten an apartment or house.  We would have traveled, and enjoyed life... .which is what I will be doing alone now without her.  My uncle (who left me the money) had been in declining health for several years.  I told her he would leave me a substantial amount of money when he passed away... .although I didn't know how much.  When I told her the amount (again, not a million dollars, but it's six figures) is when she went off the cliff and decided she "hated" me. 

Somewhere in her mind she HAS to be thinking, "If I only had stayed with him."  It's not like she broke up with me years ago.  It has been six months.  And my replacement is a extreme pwBPD who she constantly fights with.  She did tell me she was also moving downtown in a couple of months, but considering she always talks about having no money (she lives with her mom currently) I'm not sure how she is going to do it, unless it's with the replacement, who she has vigorously said she wouldn't live with given the volatile nature of their relationship.  Hmmm. 

She also lives outside her means.  She buys all of her groceries at Whole Foods, bought a 2013 car brand new, goes out to expensive restaurants... .but "never" has any money.  Her mom is the same way.  I've been at their apartment when a police officer knocked on the door with a court summons for her mom not paying several bills.  And yet she dresses up and goes out on the town almost every night.  The very definition of a mid-life crisis, and wow, what a pwBPD she is, too.  I wonder where my ex gets her behavior from, eh?

I find it interesting that she said she would "be alone forever" if someone offered her a million dollars.  I wonder what my replacement would think about that comment.  I have no doubt she would take the money and run if the situation was reversed.  I guess it further establishes that she isn't someone to be in a relationship with.

Mutt,  I have been waiting for her to try and sneak her way back into my life now that I will have this money.  I was shocked at how bluntly she now "hates" me, but at the same time I wonder if it's an odd way of trying to gain sympathy so I invite her back into the fold.  I don't know if that makes since, but she talks as if her life is ruined and hopeless and it's almost like she's wanting me to extend the olive branch.

There are times she is incredibly self aware that she has issues, usually when she is in pull back mode.  But she always stops short of working on herself.  She'll say "I resent you" but instead of saying "I know that's incorrect to feel that way and I want to change that" she will instead say "I don't know why, but I do."  She accepts her feelings as whole and true.  And that's why she won't make progress.  Sirhero, you're right.  She could have a brownstone in New York City and ten million dollars, and she would have a sugar high of excitement of course, but she would eventually grow to loathe life again.  She is chronically unhappy, and that can't be fixed with material things.

4Years, I honestly do believe in the back of her mind she is thinking "If I only had stayed with him". Which would be another reason why is she being so harsh to you at the moment. And I agree with Mutt, she wants to be rescued. I think also a part of her knows that you won't rescue her, at least money wise you won't (I think :P) and she is just playing victim hardcore at this point to get you to feel guilty for something you honestly have no control over, which is her feelings. My exwBPD use to do things like that all the time and I always caved and went through with whatever she wanted at the time. It only hurt me in the long run. My ex was also really self-aware when pull back mode came, but within a week or two after she would be right back to her old ways. I know these interactions you're having with her suck, but it is opening your eyes to a lot of things and most importantly is detaching you from the situation and her.

[4Years5Months]

She sent me a simple message on Saturday that only said, "I don't hate you."  I was surprised, but I also think she wants the door open JUST a crack.  She knows how blocking on Facebook and iPhone works, and she doesn't do it.

I replied to her message, and went the validating route, even though I didn't actually feel that way.  I tried to validate her feelings while not accepting responsibility for her pain:



"Everything you said is correct.  I’m incredibly fortunate.  We both deserve something like what my uncle left me.  And it’s not fair that someone as smart and talented as you has to slog through life.  I know someday you will get to where you want to be, and I’m sorry it isn’t right now.  I would feel the exact same way if it was reversed.

I am sad things have gotten to this point.  I miss you and love you very much. 

You are a beautiful, amazing person who deserves amazing things.  I am sorry for any pain all of this has caused you."

She "read" the message on Sunday night, but hasn't responded.  I feel even MORE at peace now, having said that to her.  I freely admit that I'm not a good handler/validator of BPD behavior.  I argue right back, because I am a realistic person.  I point out that absurd behaviors.  Oops.  It's hard for me to empathize, which is probably (among the MANY reasons) why she walked away seven times.

I still think about her daily, but when I picture her, I think, "Hey, that's something I did one time" and not something I need or want to do again.  I'm looking forward to moving into MY apartment and living MY life.  It would be cool if she was part of it all, but I also don't want to be a chaotic trigger.

I guess I just want the "closure" of her breaking up with the absurd BPD replacement guy and actually seeing me again (as a friend), not just talking about it.  She could walk away from ME quite easily, but him... .not so much.

[Mutt]

That's good to hear that you are feeling at peace 4Years5Months

I think validation is a learning curve and you keep working at it

Were you worried about how she felt about the money that your uncle left you?

[4Years5Months]

I knew how she felt, even if she wasn't stating it.  And I knew she was upset and didn't really "hate" me and was just essentially throwing a tantrum and lashing out.  But instead of arguing back at her as I usually do ("You are just mad you left me and now can't be a part of all of this!" I just validated her.  She KNOWS why she is upset, but she can't say it.

[Mutt]

I understand. Most often I have an idea of what she may feel and sometimes I can be way off, I think it's good to ask questions that way I'm not assuming how she feels and I can appreciate that when people do the same for me.

I get emails where my ex partner is sometimes emotionally dysregulated and can be very volatile. I validate the valid and not the invalid.

Do I need to respond to her today or can this wait? If it's something that requires attention for my kids, I'll validate what's valid in the email and respond and if she returns with another volatile email, I tried the tools and that's all I can do. I know that feelings are quicksilver for a pwBPD, I can try again in a few hours or another day.

For example, my son was going in for his early assessments for mental health and she was angry because my son's compartment is an extension of her and it makes her feel bad, she was blaming me.  

What was valid was my son's appointment, so I can say something like "I can see how concerning that would be with our son's health and here are the times that I'm available for appointments if we're going together... ."

Are we responsible for our ex partner's feelings if they're upset? I know that if my ex was emotionally dysregulated she has a tendency to "forget" and if she's calmer later about health information regarding my son, I don't take her emotional dysregulation personally, she can't regulate her emotions and self sooth and I don't sooth her.

I can see how your ex feels bad about your Uncle's money, your ex made her choice and she broke-up with you? Are we responsible for how our ex partners' feel?