Wow, denial is a powerful thing.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I had a bit of an ah-ha moment last night as I was just sitting and thinking about everything that went on with my ex, because of course she's stuck on my mind. One of the prevailing themes for her was always comparing me to her exbf. This was cruel, especially when she was raging. Anyway, long story short, she had told me a story in the beginning about this guy putting snakes in her yard. (Red flag, I know it now) And I thought, who does that to someone? Well, as things deteriorated in our rs, this guy would contact her, just hi, how are you type stuff. She would always be polite. One night, she was going through my phone (not unusual, another red flag) and found spam email from hookup/cheating sites. Stuff I don't even see on my work computer because it all goes straight to junk mail. So she goes off the deep end and runs to her exbf for comfort. He, according to her, only wanted to have sex with her but she didn't. Wow, I'm such an idiot. I believed her. Looking back I can see that it was around this time that the accusations of me cheating went through the roof, there was no reasoning with her. About that time I mentioned something about him putting snakes in her yard and she said he didn't do that. I called her out on the lie and she gave some lame excuse like she really didn't know, when I said she told me he admitted it she diverted or changed the subject but I digress. I realized last night that the time period in which he supposedly didn't put the snakes in her yard is when he was "white" to her, which is when I'd say she was sleeping with him.

She told me she did cheat on me and later said she only said that to hurt me. Later it was that she did, then didn't, back and forth to where I didn't know what to believe so I just put blind faith in her. Wow, was I an idiot. Looking back on it I think I knew, deep down, then and there, that she had cheated on me. I think I entered and stayed in denial for about 4 months, all the while dealing with accusations, rages, put downs, a couple of abusive episodes and snide remarks even when times were good.

I see it now, or at least what I believe to be the truth. She cheated when she was mad at me over the spam. She couldn't live with the shame of it and projected it all onto me. Then she destroyed the relationship because I was denying what my gut was telling me and just put blind faith in her.

Well, on a positive note, that realization has helped firm up my resolve to remain NC. I realize now she will never admit the truth. I also realize that even if she did, there have been so many lies and half-truths that I wouldn't believe her anyway. I'm no saint, I made mistakes long ago when I was married and had 2 affairs and didn't come clean for years. She knows all this as I've changed since then and am up front about my past, well she certainly held that against me. So it seems Karma just kicked me right square in the pants. Time to move on and get my life straight now and leave the lying, cheating, abusive, manipulative child that she is in my past. It hurts me to do what I said I would never do and that is leave her. However, there is no future there except one of pain and misery - she blames me for everything, including losing her son to her exH though I had nothing to do with that and she refuses to accept any responsibility for anything.

A sad, sad realization but hopefully this will kick me out of my funk. Now if it were that easy to stop thinking about her all the time.

[scgator]

I had a bit of an ah-ha moment last night as I was just sitting and thinking about everything that went on with my ex, because of course she's stuck on my mind. One of the prevailing themes for her was always comparing me to her exbf. This was cruel, especially when she was raging. Anyway, long story short, she had told me a story in the beginning about this guy putting snakes in her yard. (Red flag, I know it now) And I thought, who does that to someone? Well, as things deteriorated in our rs, this guy would contact her, just hi, how are you type stuff. She would always be polite. One night, she was going through my phone (not unusual, another red flag) and found spam email from hookup/cheating sites. Stuff I don't even see on my work computer because it all goes straight to junk mail. So she goes off the deep end and runs to her exbf for comfort. He, according to her, only wanted to have sex with her but she didn't. Wow, I'm such an idiot. I believed her. Looking back I can see that it was around this time that the accusations of me cheating went through the roof, there was no reasoning with her. About that time I mentioned something about him putting snakes in her yard and she said he didn't do that. I called her out on the lie and she gave some lame excuse like she really didn't know, when I said she told me he admitted it she diverted or changed the subject but I digress. I realized last night that the time period in which he supposedly didn't put the snakes in her yard is when he was "white" to her, which is when I'd say she was sleeping with him.

She told me she did cheat on me and later said she only said that to hurt me. Later it was that she did, then didn't, back and forth to where I didn't know what to believe so I just put blind faith in her. Wow, was I an idiot. Looking back on it I think I knew, deep down, then and there, that she had cheated on me. I think I entered and stayed in denial for about 4 months, all the while dealing with accusations, rages, put downs, a couple of abusive episodes and snide remarks even when times were good.

I see it now, or at least what I believe to be the truth. She cheated when she was mad at me over the spam. She couldn't live with the shame of it and projected it all onto me. Then she destroyed the relationship because I was denying what my gut was telling me and just put blind faith in her.

Well, on a positive note, that realization has helped firm up my resolve to remain NC. I realize now she will never admit the truth. I also realize that even if she did, there have been so many lies and half-truths that I wouldn't believe her anyway. I'm no saint, I made mistakes long ago when I was married and had 2 affairs and didn't come clean for years. She knows all this as I've changed since then and am up front about my past, well she certainly held that against me. So it seems Karma just kicked me right square in the pants. Time to move on and get my life straight now and leave the lying, cheating, abusive, manipulative child that she is in my past. It hurts me to do what I said I would never do and that is leave her. However, there is no future there except one of pain and misery - she blames me for everything, including losing her son to her exH though I had nothing to do with that and she refuses to accept any responsibility for anything.

A sad, sad realization but hopefully this will kick me out of my funk. Now if it were that easy to stop thinking about her all the time.

[SGraham]

I feel you. It is terrible to find out that they went out of their way just to cause you emotional pain. While i know it is a sad realisation, know that there is a certain power in understanding.

[Mutt]

Hi scgator,

She fears abandonment perceived or real; it's likely she went off the deep end because of her abandonment fears with the emails. I triggered my ex's abandonment fears and my intuition was telling me she was having an affair. I don't know if you feel the same, I felt like she would never leave because when she was nice I couldn't do any wrong. I trusted her.

The ah-ha moments help. I can understand how hard this is when you can't seem to get her out of your mind. It gets better.

[scgator]

Hi scgator,

She fears abandonment perceived or real; it's likely she went off the deep end because of her abandonment fears with the emails. I triggered my ex's abandonment fears and my intuition was telling me she was having an affair. I don't know if you feel the same, I felt like she would never leave because when she was nice I couldn't do any wrong. I trusted her.

The ah-ha moments help. I can understand how hard this is when you can't seem to get her out of your mind. It gets better.

Thanks SGraham & Mutt.

Mutt, now that you mention it, that's probably correct. Very sad really. Later during one of the episodes where she said she did sleep with an ex (she kept telling me she did, then didn't so I don't know what to believe but my intuition is screaming projection and that she had the affair) she blamed me for only calling one time when I realized she was gone. It was proof I didn't love her enough because I didn't blow up her phone so she slept with him. (Again, later she said this was a lie told to hurt me, just kept me off balance constantly) She got mad one other time and she ran off and didn't say where she was going, I blew up her phone that time but it didn't matter. Seemed like everything I tried was too little/too late or I was always playing from behind trying to keep up with her expectations.

[Mutt]

Seemed like everything I tried was too little/too late or I was always playing from behind trying to keep up with her expectations.

I didn't get it. I had no idea such a thing as personality disorders existed. I was trying to be rational and my ex was confusing with how she was acting because it was irrational. It could be that she blamed you for only calling once because she wasn't getting attention and thought you didn't care? BPD is emotional arrested development at the age of around 2 or 3.

[Gonzalo]

Mutt I was the same way, I had no idea how PDs worked, so I didn't realize how someone who appeared functional could be so divorced from actual facts. I knew someone could have hallucinations or hear voices, but the 'feelings create facts' and projection were completely outside of my mental landscape. It's something I'm only too aware of now.

Scgator, I know the feeling, it's amazing to me looking at what a large tapestry of denial I wove about behaviors that no one should tolerate. What prompted the end of my relationship (which still took months) was when I sat down to try to write a letter of 'here's what's wrong and what we need to sort out'. I spent hours on it, and wasn't even able to get everything that was an issue written down, because each time I'd come up with one thing, there were other things tied into it. I ended up with a multipage email that just outlined the surface of some of the important issues, not even all of them. It was the realization that there were so many problems, she wouldn't really acknowledge them, she wouldn't stop adding to them, and she would get furious at just trying to list them that forced me to realize just how broken we were. (And even then I tried couples therapy, ).

[strong9]

For me the hardest part was realizing what a fool I'd been and the irrational behavior, lies, etc I put up with. I let her play me like a fool to the point that I was driving her to the airport even though in my heart I knew she was flying to see him and not for business. It's still the toughest part so I try not to dwell on it. I know it's ego  I let her get the best of me, the last laugh.

[scgator]

Mutt I was the same way, I had no idea how PDs worked, so I didn't realize how someone who appeared functional could be so divorced from actual facts. I knew someone could have hallucinations or hear voices, but the 'feelings create facts' and projection were completely outside of my mental landscape. It's something I'm only too aware of now.

Scgator, I know the feeling, it's amazing to me looking at what a large tapestry of denial I wove about behaviors that no one should tolerate. What prompted the end of my relationship (which still took months) was when I sat down to try to write a letter of 'here's what's wrong and what we need to sort out'. I spent hours on it, and wasn't even able to get everything that was an issue written down, because each time I'd come up with one thing, there were other things tied into it. I ended up with a multipage email that just outlined the surface of some of the important issues, not even all of them. It was the realization that there were so many problems, she wouldn't really acknowledge them, she wouldn't stop adding to them, and she would get furious at just trying to list them that forced me to realize just how broken we were. (And even then I tried couples therapy, ).

Same here, Mutt, I had never heard of BPD until I did some searching on false accusations and mood swings. I'm a logical person and so tried to apply logic and reason to her arguments/allegations - I had no idea that was probably the worst thing to try because when she was in a mood she was beyond reason. And the moods could change on a dime.

Gonazlo, it amazes me too. All the crap I put up with in such a short-period of time. The things I haven't told anyone that I can't believe I put up with. I catch myself defending her and have to remember to have compassion for myself too. I found out yesterday that she told the woman who set us up that if I wasn't sleeping with this one, then it was that one, and if it wasn't that one it was this one (stalking through my FB friends) - even the set up woman said, he will never win with you. And all I tried to do was hang in there and SHOW her how much I loved and cared for her, through all the abuse, and it wasn't enough. One time I got her to admit that she knew, by me staying for so long, that I loved her, however that realization was short-lived in her mind and soon it was back to the "He doesn't love me and never did" train of thought. My body was telling me the last 4 months that this was bad for me. As I said in other posts, I lost about 15lbs in a month or so due to depression, stress and anxiety. To her, I lost the weight from too much sex with her and others.

Strong, I looked at it like that too - with the lies, manipulation and intermittent rewards, she played me and I was the fool taken to the bank. But I think, deep down in her way, she did love me. Taking a word from another's post, it was just "unsustainable" - I think she wanted it to be but couldn't stop herself from sabotaging it. That in itself is sad and while it's not a laughing matter, it kind of means, at least in my case, that she will never have the last laugh. I can heal, am in therapy and have made some big strides in breaking down the wall between myself and my emotions. My ex will never have the full life I can have because she won't look in the mirror. She just blames her situation on everyone else because she's unable or it's too unbearable for her to look inside for a solution.

This morning I had a conversation with myself and really thought about some things. I told myself what I miss is the woman I thought she was, not really her with the mood swings, lies and abuse, but who I THOUGHT she was. That person doesn't exist. Then I thought about the word emotional caretaker - I asked myself, could I ever or would I ever want to be in the position of taking care of all of her emotions? Literally taking on her emotions because she's unable? I have blocked off many of my emotions from childhood and am now working on getting in touch with them - so if I can hardly face my own how could I possibly take on her emotions too? It's a shame but it is what it is, I'm hopefully out of my denial and she is deep in her own.

She's gone and I'm probably forgotten, or at least she's distracting herself with others or whatever she's doing. And for me, she is gone yet not forgotten. I have stayed strong and not reached out to her - part of me screams "why would you?" - and the only correspondence has been a dry "you're welcome" after she texted a nice thank you for taking some of her clothes I found to her mother. It's hard but I'm sticking with it.

I'm so glad I found this forum though, it's a huge help to know I'm not alone in this. Thanks everyone.

[hergestridge]

Mutt I was the same way, I had no idea how PDs worked, so I didn't realize how someone who appeared functional could be so divorced from actual facts. I knew someone could have hallucinations or hear voices, but the 'feelings create facts' and projection were completely outside of my mental landscape. It's something I'm only too aware of now.

I had exactly this experience. A few years prior to my wife's diagnosis and the breakdown of my marriage I had a very profound experience. I had a consultant (a psychologist) come to my workplace to meddle in a conflict. He explained to me that there is no such thing as stupid. That all human behavior is rational. That we continue to do things because they work. The behavior fills a function.

I still find this very enlightening and a real eye-opener, but it didn't ring true for the person closest to me, because she had a personality disorder.