I need some communication help any ideas?

[specialized]

Ok so I've been riding the wave of greatness for 5 whole days which is a lot in our place. 5 days ago, The last time I sat and listened to my BPD wife express her feelings she was very disturbed. She said she had like 3 things to tell me that were not good but she was a afraid to tell me 1 because she was scared about my reaction to what she says and 2 because she is afraid I might tell someone else. So I told her I understand how hard it must be when it's hard to trust someone but I am here for her no pressure tell me when you feel you can. I took her out on a couple dates  nice relaxed times really fun. Everything on the surface has been pretty calm.

We were just sitting together and it seemed ok to say something so here is how I said it:

I know there are things you want to tell me and i don't want to guess what they are. Did you want to talk about the stuff you need to tell me?  Wow that turned into a big push pull ... ."well don't you have things you need to tell me?" She said throwing the ball back in my court.  The it escalates to i am a liar  why would she talk to me about anything etc... .she asks me what are my plans after leave my job . I told her she was answering a question with a question and I was concerned that whatever she has been keeping inside changes her perspective of things because her views might be skewed do to being tormented by feeling like she can't talk to me about something she really needs to talk to me about.

She rehashed the moment in front of her mom . Asks me why didn'tI answer her question . I said be cause I didn't think that is what we were talking about.

I was able to stop the madness by saying if you don'twant to talk about it that's ok.

Her mom picked up on the tension and asked her to take her to the faarmstand.

Any suggestions on how to have a talk flow better . I obviously hit a wall . 

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[ColdEthyl]

specialized,

I get the feeling you are like me in the fact that you want everything out on the table, so you can immediately deal with it. It has taken me a long time... and I'm still struggling at it... .but when it comes to pwBPD, it has to come on their own time.

"So I told her I understand how hard it must be when it's hard to trust someone but I am here for her no pressure tell me when you feel you can." This was perfect. You did SET very well here.

"I know there are things you want to tell me and i don't want to guess what they are. Did you want to talk about the stuff you need to tell me? "

This is where you ran into some trouble. First, you said there would be no pressure, then you asked her about it. To her that's going to be pressure. Also the line "and I don't want to guess" could be misinterpreted and taken wrong. She could have heard "I don't even want to guess" like you think it's THAT bad, or she could have heard "I don't want to guess, so you better tell me now" which puts the pressure back on her.

If you want to give her that time and space to tell her on her own time... .you have to do that. It might be weeks, months or years before you find out what she's talking about. Is that something you can do? Or is giving her the power to choose the timeline on it causing you grief?

[vortex of confusion]

"well don't you have things you need to tell me?" She said throwing the ball back in my court.  The it escalates to i am a liar  why would she talk to me about anything etc... .she asks me what are my plans after leave my job .

How did you respond to her question? How did it escalate to you being a liar? I have a few thoughts but want to get a better idea of how you responded.

I told her she was answering a question with a question and I was concerned that whatever she has been keeping inside changes her perspective of things because her views might be skewed do to being tormented by feeling like she can't talk to me about something she really needs to talk to me about.

This is confusing! It sounds like the two of you are talking in circles around each other without really saying a whole lot.

The whole thing about her perspective might be skewed because of being tormented by something sounds a bit like telling her how she feels. Telling her that her view might be skewed could easily be seen as a personal attack.

Have you tried taking the lead and showing her how to communicate by example? For example, if she answers your question with a question, answer it plainly and simply as you can and then put the ball back in her court.

My husband tends to mirror a lot. I am figuring out how to express myself in such a way that he is now trying to do the same thing and we are making lots and lots of progress. YOU have to figure out how to be vulnerable with her and show her how it is done. You can't tell her how to do it. You have to show her through YOUR actions.