Does This Mean Anything?

[bjm]

I went NC almost 3 months ago.  What has been killing me is that she never cared to seek me out once I disappeared.  That has been the hardest thing to deal with.  I literally want to call her everyday, but I don't.

She called me one time after about 1.5 - 2 months of NC.  I did not take her call, and she did not leave a message.  That was it.

I have not heard a word from her since.

Prior to me walking away, we went to two separate therapists together.  The first therapist we went to she did not like at all.  I have continued to see him on a regular basis.

Last week he told me that she showed up on his facebook page, and the only way she would show up on his page is because she was most likely checking out his page.  I find it strange that she would be online checking him out.

I have been so hurt because she basically let me walk away.  I walked away because not only was the relationship lie a tornado, but I found drugs in my house and believe she is an addict.

Regardless, does her checking out my therapist online mean she is thinking of me?  

[rotiroti]

bjm, I don't know the answer to your question and I don't think anyone does.

However you said,

What has been killing me is that she never cared to seek me out once I disappeared.

and the next paragraph:

She called me one time after about 1.5 - 2 months of NC.  I did not take her call, and she did not leave a message.  That was it.

Sounds like she DID try to reach out, got the hint about n/c and has not tried to contact since.

n/c can be a very useful tool that one can use while detaching. When you're ready you could always try LC (low contact). Is that was the case, what would you like to say or hear from her?

[Invictus01]

No way to tell man. Just need to keep on walking. Even if she is thinking of you, nothing good will come out of it.

[Aussie0zborn]

We don't know the answer to that... .it's just going to have to be one of those little mysteries we don't get to solve.

I'm more concerned with this... .

   

I have been so hurt because she basically let me walk away.  I walked away because not only was the relationship like a tornado, but I found drugs in my house and believe she is an addict.

Yes, it is hurtful, isn't it? But, as hurtful as it is she is actually doing you a favor. And as you say above, you walked away for a reason, based on good solid thinking. Stick with your decision, my friend. You will soon forget how hurtful and disappointing the whole thing was. Please don't expect a person with BPD to think and rationalise things the way you do.

[Mutt]

Hi bjm,

Your T could have kept it to himself about her showing up on his Facebook page? If I had to take a guess, it could be that she wants to see him.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey bjm-

To Mutt's point, it was pretty unprofessional for your therapist to tell you about whatever happens on his FB page, even if it relates to you in some way; that's his personal information and sharing it could be considered a breach of professional ethics.  In any case it's got you thinking stuff that isn't helping, so maybe he's not doing his job well.

Anyway, you mention you walked away because not only was

the relationship lie a tornado

, but you suspect she's a drug addict and that's unacceptable to you.  So the fact the relationship is over is a good thing and what you wanted, yes?  And it's natural to feel like even though we don't want a relationship with someone and leave them, we still want them to want it, because it means we mattered and are still attractive to them.  Her reasons for not trying to contact you don't matter, what matters is you and what you're focusing on; this is a great time to dig deep and look at your part in the relationship, why you got in it, how you felt when you did, what you did and how you felt when upsets showed up, what you made it all mean, how you felt towards the end and why, and how you feel now and why.  And only from a place of taking the information to gain insight into yourself, and then slowly but surely shift the focus from the past to the future with the new information, so you come out the other side an improved version of you.  Live, love and learn.