Tips on how to stop ruminating?

[SGraham]

Im about 2 weeks out since my BPD ex broke up with me and I'm definitely better, however; i frequently will inadvertently allow myself to ruminate in really unhealthy ways so i basically end up accidentally torturing myself. I was wondering if anyone has any methods to curb this because like i said it is often involuntary and once i start my mind just races out of control.

Thanks,

SG

[Blimblam]

I don't know if there is a way to stop it but writing it down seems to help

[Clearmind]

Writing it down does really help - read over if you need to.

What really did end up helping me was to really dig deep and think about the reasons why I stayed. I put down the magnifying glass on the him and picked up the mirror. I really looked at the relationship with fresh eyes. He didn't do this to me I chose this person as a partner. As amazing as it sounds I really stopped feeling sorry myself and got some power back. As I looked into that mirror more I saw all the reasons why I chose him. Much of the reasons stemmed from my own

Childhood. I learnt my relationship skills from my parents. While I had a happy childhood it wasn't all that validating. My parents did not have a good marriage yet my mother stayed despite the abuse. I also model that and stay way too long in my relationships when I know instinctively they are not good for me.

What attracted you to ex?

What were some glaring red flags from the outset?

What part of you thought you should stay despite the abuse?

Have a good think about love and relationships - did you have that in your relationship?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

[WhatJustHappened?]

I have a list of all the red flags and poor treatment events. When I begin to ruminate, I review the list. It helps put things in perspective.

You also may learn that what you miss is not necessarily the person but the idea of the relationship if that makes sense.

Keep yourself busy doing things that make YOU happy.

There are many self-help articles on the web that can help you with rumination. Do a Google search and see if any of them help you.

It stinks I know but time will help. 2 weeks isn't that long so it's perfectly normal to be ruminating.

[Michelle27]

Writing it down does really help - read over if you need to.

What really did end up helping me was to really dig deep and think about the reasons why I stayed. I put down the magnifying glass on the him and picked up the mirror. I really looked at the relationship with fresh eyes. He didn't do this to me I chose this person as a partner. As amazing as it sounds I really stopped feeling sorry myself and got some power back. As I looked into that mirror more I saw all the reasons why I chose him. Much of the reasons stemmed from my own

Childhood. I learnt my relationship skills from my parents. While I had a happy childhood it wasn't all that validating. My parents did not have a good marriage yet my mother stayed despite the abuse. I also model that and stay way too long in my relationships when I know instinctively they are not good for me.

What attracted you to ex?

What were some glaring red flags from the outset?

What part of you thought you should stay despite the abuse?

Have a good think about love and relationships - did you have that in your relationship?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

This is exactly what helped me.  I was holding onto so much anger and resentments for so long and even sought counseling to get past that.  What I learned in counseling was that it wasn't him I was angry and resentful over, it was ME.  I needed to dig deep and look at why both of my marriages were abusive (stbxh was my 2nd marriage... .my first marriage was physically abusive).  I had to work on me to raise my own self esteem past the point of believing I deserved to be treated so horribly and to expect respect and honesty in a relationship.  It wasn't easy to look at myself that way, but it's what has given me the tools to get past the terrible things that happened in my relationship and understand my part in allowing it.  I also believe it will keep me from ending up in a relationship anything like that again.

[crawler]

The main reason why I managed to finally let go was just realizing how she started behaving after our relationship. Her behavior was fake, manipulative of others and just so wrong, which managed to actually tell me that yeah, she has BPD and that the break up was not my fault. Doubting myself on whether it was me, whether I could have done things that would save the relationship drove me crazy, but once you realize that YOU ARE ENOUGH, it gets easier.

Also, I kept consulting with other people about the whole situation and they made me realize the statement above. You are enough. You did enough. You gave yourself as much as you could, despite some problems that you might have had, and you got nothing back aside of fake emotions and more abuse and discomfort. Maybe your friends won't ever fully understand what you went through (I had the "luck" of having people around me who have/had BPD partners), but if they just give you the acknowledgement for your actions which you never got from your partner, then you will realize that you are better off without the BPD element in your life.

One other thing was that I kept reminding myself of the abuse I suffered. I would read her hate-filled emails, the manipulative texts... .I kept remembering the physical harm she inflicted on me. And it's peculiar how those things didn't make me feel hate for her, but much rather I became indifferent towards her and somehow felt empowered to take my life into my own hands.

I don't know if these things make sense, but I hope they might help.

[Skip]

Physically exerting yourself will help - like working out first thing in the morning and right before bed - is the best immediate action to take.

You may want to get a meds evaluation. Maybe an antidepressant or something shorter term/fast like Zanex (effective in 10-15 minutes).

The other suggestions here are good.  Writing when ruminating stops the spin.

This mind blanking technique really works - its takes a little time to set, but is amazing.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

[SummerStorm]

Two weeks is not a very long time at all.  I'm not quite two months out, and I'm just now starting to get over it.  

One thing that personally helped me was to write down everything and put it into the context of BPD.  I know some people might see this as me trying to blame everything on her, but this came after I took a look at myself and realized why I entered into this situation and why I stayed, despite her warnings.  But at the end of the day, she is a recently diagnosed, currently untreated, pwBPD.  Being able to explain her actions has helped me to move away from constantly asking myself questions like, ":)id she really love me?" "Why did she choose him over me?" and "What could I have done differently?"  

Another thing that helped was for me to identify traits in myself that led me down this path and then compare them to traits that her boyfriend has.  First, we both have rescuer traits.  Secondly, she has described both of us as "sweet."  I watched a video last night from a woman who has BPD, and she said that she always picks out men who look nice because she knows it will be easy to control them.  Thirdly, neither one of us enforced boundaries.  Fourthly, both of us are very passive and don't want to get into arguments with her.  Fifthly, both of us were willing to drop everything and make rash decisions, just to make her happy.  Lastly, both of us took her at her word and never questioned anything she said.

Another thing that helped was for me to think about how I felt when I was with her.  There was constantly this pit in my stomach, like I was just waiting for something bad to happen.  Who wants to feel like that all the time?  It was awful.  Also, I quickly realized that I never really had fun when I was with her.

For the longest time, I used to think about how beautiful she is, but then I started turning that around and thinking about how ugly she is on the inside.  I also started reminding myself that her physical beauty is something she carefully crafts, every single day.  She doesn't go anywhere without a bunch of make up on because she's so insecure and worried about how others view her.  I also think about all of the selfies she sent me.  She wasn't smiling in any of them.  There's no light in her eyes.  She's just not a happy person at all.  

And then I think about myself.  She's right.  I am sweet.  I am innocent.  I am a romantic.  And I deserve someone who appreciates those qualities, not someone who takes advantage of them.        

[SGraham]

Thanks for the advice everyone. So it seems like the general consensus is that i should try to objectively list all the problems that were present in the relationship and conversely look at what caused me to put up with them. One problem is, i feel like if i start to think about my relationship that way i will eventually start to hate my ex, which i don't want. Does anyone know how to avoid that, or is it inevitable?

[rotiroti]

Thanks for the advice everyone. So it seems like the general consensus is that i should try to objectively list all the problems that were present in the relationship and conversely look at what caused me to put up with them. One problem is, i feel like if i start to think about my relationship that way i will eventually start to hate my ex, which i don't want. Does anyone know how to avoid that, or is it inevitable?

Hey SGraham,

I understand your concern -- remembering the "bad" parts about our exes isn't about hating them, rather it's for understanding how they are incompatible with us. No 2 people in this world are completely the same and inevitably differences will come up between a relationship (friendships, romantic, professional, you name it). We can make a list of pros and cons and ask ourselves if it's worth staying in or not.

There were many things I liked about my pwBPD, but at the end of the day the cons outweighed the good. Do I hate her for her being her? Not at all.

Secondly, remembering the 'good' and 'bad' of a person helps us integrate all of the pwBPD into one being. Following the b/u I would ruminate all the time about the good things: "Oh only if the sweet ex came back, I could love her forever!" "only if I could bring out that good side" etc. Thinking back, that was a very selfish dream on my part, I was essentially wishing that she would change for my sake. Rather I had to remind myself of the bad parts to remember that she is a whole person, both good and bad traits. Just like the rest of us. That was very comforting to realize and it has helped me to let go with compassion instead of hate (well... it's a work in progress at least!)

[Schermarhorn]

Another thing that helped was for me to think about how I felt when I was with her.  There was constantly this pit in my stomach, like I was just waiting for something bad to happen.  Who wants to feel like that all the time?  It was awful.

I know the exact feeling. It came back for a week when she messaged me too.

It was absolutely terrible.

[SummerStorm]

Thanks for the advice everyone. So it seems like the general consensus is that i should try to objectively list all the problems that were present in the relationship and conversely look at what caused me to put up with them. One problem is, i feel like if i start to think about my relationship that way i will eventually start to hate my ex, which i don't want. Does anyone know how to avoid that, or is it inevitable?

For weeks, I felt nothing but anger towards her.  Actually, the other day, I sent her a text that said, "I'm glad you're alive, but I wish I had never met you."  

After I put everything that happened into the context of BPD, it helped me realize that she didn't do what she did to hurt me or to make me miserable.  In the back of her mind, she knew that it would, but she didn't set out to do it.  

One thing that pushes the hate away when it comes back is the memory of the last time I ever saw her.  She was in the behavioral care unit, wearing sweats, a bruise on her arm from an IV, yawning from complete exhaustion, old scars from her cutting visible in the harsh lighting, and telling me to walk away from any romantic feelings I have for her because I deserve better, and crying because her boyfriend loves her more than she thinks she deserves.  When I got there, she wrapped her arms around my neck, and when I left, she gave me a big hug.  I think that, deep down, I knew that would be the last time I would ever see her.  She was broken, and there wasn't anything I could do to fix her.  

This doesn't mean that I forgive her for everything she did.  She definitely did things that she knows aren't acceptable.  She is aware that she does bad things and hurts people.  And because of this, it really is best for both of us if we remain NC.  I can only take so much, and she can't see me as anything but bad, thanks to lack of object constancy and our last text conversation, which wasn't pleasant.    

But I don't hate her.  Even at my angriest, when I said some not nice things to her, I never hated her.  

[SummerStorm]

Another thing that helped was for me to think about how I felt when I was with her.  There was constantly this pit in my stomach, like I was just waiting for something bad to happen.  Who wants to feel like that all the time?  It was awful.

I know the exact feeling. It came back for a week when she messaged me too.

It was absolutely terrible.

She's the one who discarded me and went NC, but she didn't have me blocked.  I sent her a text the other day, and an hour later, when I saw that I had a reply, I was actually shaking because I was terrified that it would be a rage attack.  Instead, it was the word "No."  I'm not sure if that's better or worse.  Either way, it cemented the fact that she isn't capable of acting like an adult. 

[SGraham]

Hey SGraham,

I understand your concern -- remembering the "bad" parts about our exes isn't about hating them, rather it's for understanding how they are incompatible with us. No 2 people in this world are completely the same and inevitably differences will come up between a relationship (friendships, romantic, professional, you name it). We can make a list of pros and cons and ask ourselves if it's worth staying in or not.

There were many things I liked about my pwBPD, but at the end of the day the cons outweighed the good. Do I hate her for her being her? Not at all.

Secondly, remembering the 'good' and 'bad' of a person helps us integrate all of the pwBPD into one being. Following the b/u I would ruminate all the time about the good things: "Oh only if the sweet ex came back, I could love her forever!" "only if I could bring out that good side" etc. Thinking back, that was a very selfish dream on my part, I was essentially wishing that she would change for my sake. Rather I had to remind myself of the bad parts to remember that she is a whole person, both good and bad traits. Just like the rest of us. That was very comforting to realize and it has helped me to let go with compassion instead of hate (well... it's a work in progress at least!)

Thank you so much, that does make sense. I guess i will eventually get to the point where i can reconcile her good side with her bad.

[SGraham]

For weeks, I felt nothing but anger towards her.  Actually, the other day, I sent her a text that said, "I'm glad you're alive, but I wish I had never met you."  

After I put everything that happened into the context of BPD, it helped me realize that she didn't do what she did to hurt me or to make me miserable.  In the back of her mind, she knew that it would, but she didn't set out to do it.  

One thing that pushes the hate away when it comes back is the memory of the last time I ever saw her.  She was in the behavioral care unit, wearing sweats, a bruise on her arm from an IV, yawning from complete exhaustion, old scars from her cutting visible in the harsh lighting, and telling me to walk away from any romantic feelings I have for her because I deserve better, and crying because her boyfriend loves her more than she thinks she deserves.  When I got there, she wrapped her arms around my neck, and when I left, she gave me a big hug.  I think that, deep down, I knew that would be the last time I would ever see her.  She was broken, and there wasn't anything I could do to fix her.  

This doesn't mean that I forgive her for everything she did.  She definitely did things that she knows aren't acceptable.  She is aware that she does bad things and hurts people.  And because of this, it really is best for both of us if we remain NC.  I can only take so much, and she can't see me as anything but bad, thanks to lack of object constancy and our last text conversation, which wasn't pleasant.    

But I don't hate her.  Even at my angriest, when I said some not nice things to her, I never hated her.  

Thank you for that story summer storm, it made me remember back to a few occasions where, in moments of clarity i guess, my ex warned me that i shouldn't be with someone like her because it would be to painful. So like you said, they're broken and don't fully understand what they are doing. Thanks again