Slowly losing my mind

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello all,

First of all, I've been lurking for a day or so, and I just want to say that this seems to be a community of such caring people, which is what's given me the courage to write this message.

I recently (7 weeks and counting) ended my three-year relationship. The reason I'm here is that I'm still absolutely baffled as to why what has happened has happened. Given my ex's history and what I've read on here, I'm starting to believe that he has BPD or that he is bipolar. I was hoping your insights will help me.

In the relationship my ex was so loving and caring; I honestly have never felt as loved as I did with him. But he had a darker side to him, which I always attributed to the fact he'd experienced abuse as a child (on a scale of 1 - 10 of horrendous, this was a 10), and he'd never properly dealt with it. At the beginning of our relationship if we had a minor disagreement on something he'd shut me out for days at a time and just completely ignore me (even though we were living together). After about a year, this turned into rage over the stupidest of things. In the flick of a switch he'd just lose it and scream and shout like a mad person. And then once the rage would die down, he'd be apologetic, crying, and begging for forgiveness. It was the weirdest of things. He also exhibited suicidal behaviour towards the end.

I last saw him three months back. We had spent the last nine months travelling together and were planning on settling down (with plans of marriage and kids) in my home country. He went back to his home country to get some documents that he needed for the visa. While he was there, his family were on his case because as a traditional Asian family they believed he should get a job and not pursue his dream of photography. Then he made the mistake of telling them that we planned on getting married when he got to my home country and everything spiralled after that. Some part of me still wonders whether his family have told him he cannot marry me and that's why he's had the sudden change of heart, but when I read other account of BPD behaviour I wonder if it's a touch of that, too.

Things started going wrong when we had a minor argument over something petty. We didn't talk for two days, then he asked to Skype me when he decided to tell me that he no longer thought we should get married until he was financially stable, and that he had thought of a new plan for us - for him to stay in his home country for a year, get photography experience/save money there, and do long distance for this time. He'd then go and study  a Masters next year somewhere in Europe and I'd go and find him in whichever country it was. He said that that could be where we'd settle down.

I didn't deal with this in the best of ways because I felt he should have at least spoken to me about our original plan first and how we could have perhaps strengthened that before he started making new suggestions. The plan also felt highly abstract to me. I got angry and we continued to have arguments for about a week. In the midst of one of our massive arguments, he went AWOL for a week while my brother was in hospital (this was the weirdest of behaviour as he had always been extremely caring towards my family, too). I made contact with him once during that week, during which he said he'd been extremely hurt by all our arguments and that I was making him lose his self respect and ability to think clearly. He also mentioned that his head had been like a pressure cooker and he was feeling overwhelmed. I just couldn't understand all the drama - it felt like he was blowing everything way out of proportion, but now I wonder if there was a reason why he couldn't cope.

I was then tipped off by a friend of his that he was talking with an 'ex.' I use the word 'ex' in the loosest possible terms. They were never even together as a couple, never slept together, he told me that she just used to use him whenever she wanted attention and then broke his heart repeatedly. When I confronted him, he told me that he couldn't stop thinking about her, and that he was going to see a therapist as he didn't understand why he was feeling this way. The way he spoke about it gave me zero confidence, though - he was making it sound like he was going to make a choice between us, so even though he was asking for time he made me feel totally degraded.

I understand that people develop feelings for others in relationships, but to make me, the woman he wanted to marry, a choice for someone he'd never even been with was highly insulting to me. I just couldn't understand him. When I asked him why he wasn't fighting for us, he said he couldn't even fight for himself. On Skype he seemed detached from reality. It was such an odd experience, and when I finally said this is over he waited for two minutes before saying 'okay' very matter of factly. This from the man who just two weeks previously was full of love for me. Everything changed at the glance of a z-list ex?

After this happened, I half expected for him to get in touch over the following days with some sort of regret or remorse. Nothing. He only sent me a message after my dad tried to talk to him, where he said something along the lines of sorry for what I put you through - i never wanted to put myself through this either. When he'd apologise, he'd also refer to how bad 'he' had it - in my mind, I cannot understand how he'd have the cheek to tell me he was doing badly when he had caused all this! I tried to talk to him after this, and I basically told him I couldn't understand how he could give up on us so easily, and he had the cheek to tell me that I walked out on him. When I pointed out that he gave me little to no choice, he stopped talking to me.

A couple of weeks after this, I sent him a long email in which I said I couldn't believe the man whom I loved for so long was behaving this way and that I felt that he was feeling under pressure to maybe stay in his home country or to lead a life he didn't want to lead. I said that perhaps this had led to him behaving this way and that perhaps the ex was an exit route. I then also said that i felt he had never properly dealt with what had happened to him during his childhood and that it could be affecting him in ways that he wasn't aware of. I said that if he felt I'd hit the nail on the head with any of this, that he could get in touch and we could fix everything. I also added that if I was wrong or if he was okay doing whatever he was doing now, to leave me be to get on with my life.

After ten days of nothing I started to accept that I wasn't going to get a reply, but then he emailed me the weirdest reply. On the one had he was telling me how sorry he was, how I had always shown him the right path in life, that I was strong, a gem of a person. On the other hand he told me that he'd been with me for three years out of guilt because of my abandonment issues and to also try to prove to himself that he could love someone other than his ex (yes, the ex he had never been with nor slept with etc), and that his rage was because of the frustration he felt in the relationship. He also had the cheek to tell me that his therapist was in agreement with him on this (psychological services in his country are a joke, so this doesn't surprise me).

After the initial shock of the email started to die down, I realised that it was a bunch of lies (or his version of reality the way he sees it right now). I know what we had was real - I'm not naive, I would have sensed if there was something not quite right with the situation. Plus, as so many of my friends have said, no one stays in a relationship where there are no real commitments like kids or marriage out of guilt! Or to prove to themselves anything - it's ridiculous that he'd even say this to me and expect me to believe it. And never mind that - even *if* you stayed with someone out of guilt, you wouldn't then shove it in their faces in the way he did. This from the same man who just three weeks previously was telling me how much he missed me and how much he couldn't wait to settle down with.

I therefore decided that I wouldn't reply to him, and that my silence signified "I don't believe you." That I'd get on with my life, move on, and put the email firmly in the 'trash' bin, knowing that in my heart I know what we had together was real (this has required a lot of self belief! but I refuse to let him tarnish the three wonderful years we had together). I also decided that either a) he is unstable right now or b) it's definitely down to something his family has said to him, and he's protecting their 'honour' by concocting this bizarre story.

The strangest part for me came five days back (around 9 days after his horrible email) when he emailed me out of the blue. He started out by saying sorry for contacting me when I had asked him not to, but that he was wondering whether I'd be okay to arrange for his clothes (which are at my mum's house - we sent them there when we went travelling) to be shipped to him to the city we lived in before we left to travel. This to me was a woah moment because a) he said he never wanted to live there again and that he hated it and b) I believed he had planned on staying in his home country to start up this new relationship with his precious ex. He then asked if I was okay to do that, and apologised again.

I didn't even have enough time to process that email; another one came the next morning, where he said he had limited time and he'd really appreciate it if I could let him know either way, then the following day I got two messages in which he even sent the address to which to send the clothes.

I've ignored him. I have no intention of doing anything bad to his belongings, but I feel he should have contacted me through family or a friend seeing as he knew I didn't want to hear from him - and why should I respond immediately just because he's being so pushy. Plus, you don't tell someone you were essentially with them out of guilt for three years and then expect them to be okay with you emailing you about your stuff! I cannot believe the gall of it.

I'm not quite sure what I'm asking for from this thread. I'm just very emotional scarred and confused. It's been a hellish seven weeks in which the man I thought I knew has turned into a stranger, a shell of the person whom I loved and knew. I have no idea what to make of his behaviour, and I guess I'm wondering if any of you identify with this sudden change of heart, this sudden flight, this sudden coldness. And then the cheek to act like it's the other person's fault for leaving you? Any insights are most welcome, and I'm very aware that this has turned into an essay of epic proportions that may not make much sense! I'm just very emotionally vulnerable right now and seeking answers I guess - answers I'll probably never get.  :'(

[Hopeful83]

Hello all,

First of all, I've been lurking for a day or so, and I just want to say that this seems to be a community of such caring people, which is what's given me the courage to write this message.

I recently (7 weeks and counting) ended my three-year relationship. The reason I'm here is that I'm still absolutely baffled as to why what has happened has happened. Given my ex's history and what I've read on here, I'm starting to believe that he has BPD or that he is bipolar. I was hoping your insights will help me.

In the relationship my ex was so loving and caring; I honestly have never felt as loved as I did with him. But he had a darker side to him, which I always attributed to the fact he'd experienced abuse as a child (on a scale of 1 - 10 of horrendous, this was a 10), and he'd never properly dealt with it. At the beginning of our relationship if we had a minor disagreement on something he'd shut me out for days at a time and just completely ignore me (even though we were living together). After about a year, this turned into rage over the stupidest of things. In the flick of a switch he'd just lose it and scream and shout like a mad person. And then once the rage would die down, he'd be apologetic, crying, and begging for forgiveness. It was the weirdest of things. He also exhibited suicidal behaviour towards the end.

I last saw him three months back. We had spent the last nine months travelling together and were planning on settling down (with plans of marriage and kids) in my home country. He went back to his home country to get some documents that he needed for the visa. While he was there, his family were on his case because as a traditional Asian family they believed he should get a job and not pursue his dream of photography. Then he made the mistake of telling them that we planned on getting married when he got to my home country and everything spiralled after that. Some part of me still wonders whether his family have told him he cannot marry me and that's why he's had the sudden change of heart, but when I read other account of BPD behaviour I wonder if it's a touch of that, too.

Things started going wrong when we had a minor argument over something petty. We didn't talk for two days, then he asked to Skype me when he decided to tell me that he no longer thought we should get married until he was financially stable, and that he had thought of a new plan for us - for him to stay in his home country for a year, get photography experience/save money there, and do long distance for this time. He'd then go and study  a Masters next year somewhere in Europe and I'd go and find him in whichever country it was. He said that that could be where we'd settle down.

I didn't deal with this in the best of ways because I felt he should have at least spoken to me about our original plan first and how we could have perhaps strengthened that before he started making new suggestions. The plan also felt highly abstract to me. I got angry and we continued to have arguments for about a week. In the midst of one of our massive arguments, he went AWOL for a week while my brother was in hospital (this was the weirdest of behaviour as he had always been extremely caring towards my family, too). I made contact with him once during that week, during which he said he'd been extremely hurt by all our arguments and that I was making him lose his self respect and ability to think clearly. He also mentioned that his head had been like a pressure cooker and he was feeling overwhelmed. I just couldn't understand all the drama - it felt like he was blowing everything way out of proportion, but now I wonder if there was a reason why he couldn't cope.

I was then tipped off by a friend of his that he was talking with an 'ex.' I use the word 'ex' in the loosest possible terms. They were never even together as a couple, never slept together, he told me that she just used to use him whenever she wanted attention and then broke his heart repeatedly. When I confronted him, he told me that he couldn't stop thinking about her, and that he was going to see a therapist as he didn't understand why he was feeling this way. The way he spoke about it gave me zero confidence, though - he was making it sound like he was going to make a choice between us, so even though he was asking for time he made me feel totally degraded.

I understand that people develop feelings for others in relationships, but to make me, the woman he wanted to marry, a choice for someone he'd never even been with was highly insulting to me. I just couldn't understand him. When I asked him why he wasn't fighting for us, he said he couldn't even fight for himself. On Skype he seemed detached from reality. It was such an odd experience, and when I finally said this is over he waited for two minutes before saying 'okay' very matter of factly. This from the man who just two weeks previously was full of love for me. Everything changed at the glance of a z-list ex?

After this happened, I half expected for him to get in touch over the following days with some sort of regret or remorse. Nothing. He only sent me a message after my dad tried to talk to him, where he said something along the lines of sorry for what I put you through - i never wanted to put myself through this either. When he'd apologise, he'd also refer to how bad 'he' had it - in my mind, I cannot understand how he'd have the cheek to tell me he was doing badly when he had caused all this! I tried to talk to him after this, and I basically told him I couldn't understand how he could give up on us so easily, and he had the cheek to tell me that I walked out on him. When I pointed out that he gave me little to no choice, he stopped talking to me.

A couple of weeks after this, I sent him a long email in which I said I couldn't believe the man whom I loved for so long was behaving this way and that I felt that he was feeling under pressure to maybe stay in his home country or to lead a life he didn't want to lead. I said that perhaps this had led to him behaving this way and that perhaps the ex was an exit route. I then also said that i felt he had never properly dealt with what had happened to him during his childhood and that it could be affecting him in ways that he wasn't aware of. I said that if he felt I'd hit the nail on the head with any of this, that he could get in touch and we could fix everything. I also added that if I was wrong or if he was okay doing whatever he was doing now, to leave me be to get on with my life.

After ten days of nothing I started to accept that I wasn't going to get a reply, but then he emailed me the weirdest reply. On the one had he was telling me how sorry he was, how I had always shown him the right path in life, that I was strong, a gem of a person. On the other hand he told me that he'd been with me for three years out of guilt because of my abandonment issues and to also try to prove to himself that he could love someone other than his ex (yes, the ex he had never been with nor slept with etc), and that his rage was because of the frustration he felt in the relationship. He also had the cheek to tell me that his therapist was in agreement with him on this (psychological services in his country are a joke, so this doesn't surprise me).

After the initial shock of the email started to die down, I realised that it was a bunch of lies (or his version of reality the way he sees it right now). I know what we had was real - I'm not naive, I would have sensed if there was something not quite right with the situation. Plus, as so many of my friends have said, no one stays in a relationship where there are no real commitments like kids or marriage out of guilt! Or to prove to themselves anything - it's ridiculous that he'd even say this to me and expect me to believe it. And never mind that - even *if* you stayed with someone out of guilt, you wouldn't then shove it in their faces in the way he did. This from the same man who just three weeks previously was telling me how much he missed me and how much he couldn't wait to settle down with.

I therefore decided that I wouldn't reply to him, and that my silence signified "I don't believe you." That I'd get on with my life, move on, and put the email firmly in the 'trash' bin, knowing that in my heart I know what we had together was real (this has required a lot of self belief! but I refuse to let him tarnish the three wonderful years we had together). I also decided that either a) he is unstable right now or b) it's definitely down to something his family has said to him, and he's protecting their 'honour' by concocting this bizarre story.

The strangest part for me came five days back (around 9 days after his horrible email) when he emailed me out of the blue. He started out by saying sorry for contacting me when I had asked him not to, but that he was wondering whether I'd be okay to arrange for his clothes (which are at my mum's house - we sent them there when we went travelling) to be shipped to him to the city we lived in before we left to travel. This to me was a woah moment because a) he said he never wanted to live there again and that he hated it and b) I believed he had planned on staying in his home country to start up this new relationship with his precious ex. He then asked if I was okay to do that, and apologised again.

I didn't even have enough time to process that email; another one came the next morning, where he said he had limited time and he'd really appreciate it if I could let him know either way, then the following day I got two messages in which he even sent the address to which to send the clothes.

I've ignored him. I have no intention of doing anything bad to his belongings, but I feel he should have contacted me through family or a friend seeing as he knew I didn't want to hear from him - and why should I respond immediately just because he's being so pushy. Plus, you don't tell someone you were essentially with them out of guilt for three years and then expect them to be okay with you emailing you about your stuff! I cannot believe the gall of it.

I'm not quite sure what I'm asking for from this thread. I'm just very emotional scarred and confused. It's been a hellish seven weeks in which the man I thought I knew has turned into a stranger, a shell of the person whom I loved and knew. I have no idea what to make of his behaviour, and I guess I'm wondering if any of you identify with this sudden change of heart, this sudden flight, this sudden coldness. And then the cheek to act like it's the other person's fault for leaving you? Any insights are most welcome, and I'm very aware that this has turned into an essay of epic proportions that may not make much sense! I'm just very emotionally vulnerable right now and seeking answers I guess - answers I'll probably never get.  :'(

[crawler]

Your post mostly hit home when you asked if anyone experienced the sudden coldness and the sudden change of heart... .I'm pretty much in the same situation as you, since a 3 year relationship ended only recently and my ex partner simply moved on with life and is currently more than happy with someone else while I'm left in shambles.

There are probably more experienced member on this board than me, who could probably give you better insight, but I can only speak out of my own experience. What made things easier for me is just realizing that the emotions my partner felt for me were false and imaginary. Certain things happened between us that I realized that she simply never truly loved me and that I was manipulated and lied to. Realizing this made me sick, literally, but at the same time it's something that helped me move along with my life. Detach yourself and improve, don't brood over what happened, how it happened, or why it happened. Chances are you'll never figure out those things, so just leave them alone. Delete him from your life and move on.

[rotiroti]

 

Welcome to the board Hopeful83!

I have to tell you that you are being incredibly strong for only being out 7 weeks out of a 3 year relationship. Your story resonates with so many of the b/u stories I've read on here including my own, especially in regards for the emotional feelers that the exes send out to elicit a response from us.

It sounds like that you know how you want to handle this. By not engaging at this time you are able to detach yourself from the emotions in order to heal.

You have some great insights thatI want to point out:

I realised that it was a bunch of lies (or his version of reality the way he sees it right now)

[joeramabeme]

I'm just very emotional scarred and confused. It's been a hellish seven weeks in which the man I thought I knew has turned into a stranger, a shell of the person whom I loved and knew. I have no idea what to make of his behaviour, and I guess I'm wondering if any of you identify with this sudden change of heart, this sudden flight, this sudden coldness. And then the cheek to act like it's the other person's fault for leaving you?



Hopeful, that is quite the story.  Like the other 2 respondents I can relate very well to this.  I was married for 10 years and we had a rocky marriage but also shared some very nice things and like you, my wife was very loving and could be extremely thoughtful.  But something was always not quite right.  After one of our arguments she shut herself off from me for a couple months and then came back to me saying she wanted a divorce.  Wile not totally shocked by her words, I was shocked at how detached she had become and completely unable to recollect any good memories between the 2 of us, claiming she had never been happy for the last 10 years and had not been honest with me about her feelings.

I don't have any pain-altering insights for you.  There is a lot of theory that you can read up on at this site and it helps to have an understanding of the fundamental issues that BPD entails.  Sounds like you are still sorting through if your bf is BPD or otherwise, some of this information may help to clarify that.

If he is BPD I can tell you what others have told me; at the core there are unresolved issues that result in a fear of abandonment and engulfment.  That can be hard to understand when the tendency to think about it is from your own perspective.  But the traits are from the perspective of the person with BPD.  The fears are tied into avoiding the feelings of pain from the source injury. 

In thinking back on your r/s, were these traits visible to you?  It was not at all apparent to me.  But, when I thought back there there were times I could see that she was pulling away from me.  Not a withdrawl so to speak as much as a harsh defensiveness.  When I reacted and moved away emotionally, for self protection, she would rush back in and tell me that she felt abandoned by me.  This went on for years. 

Were there moments in your r/s when it felt like he was pulling away?  Or you pulled away and he came rushing back? 

Sometimes these traits are triggered in invisible ways, neither you nor the pwBPD traits is aware of what is going on, just suddenly there are some strange unexplainable behaviors that seem to come from nowhere and make no sense and when you ask about what is going on you are met with strange explanations or a stiff defense or offense or all of the above. 

Any of this resonate for you?

Hang in there.  It is difficult, but to the degree you can understand it you will also be able to appropriately address it; first for you and then with him if it gets to that point.

Joe

[Mutt]

Hi Hopeful83,



I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how a r/s break-up with a mentally ill partner is painful and confusing.

 You have some great insights thatI want to point out:

I realised that it was a bunch of lies (or his version of reality the way he sees it right now)

A person that changes reality often is a sign of mental illness. We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. We can look at traits, characteristics with borderline personality types. Someone that suffers from BPD often has depression, anxiety, PTSD,  substance abuse, co-morbidity.

I think it helps to share with our members that can relate with how much pain and confusion a r/s with a mentally ill person can be. I can understand how difficult that is when our partners have an intensity with adulation and our loved ones become another person at the flip of a switch - darker side. It may feel like you don't know this person anymore.

I can see how that would be insulting with wanting to marry you and be with someone that he hadn't been with. You had a long history together  

Are you seeing a T?  How are friends and family with support? Are they understanding with an ex partner that's mentally ill?

It helps to talk.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Hopeful83, thank you for sharing your story with us. We can see how incredibly hurtful and confusing your ex's actions have been. Many of us here can empathize because we've had very similar experiences.

BPD is a serious mental illness. Some mentally ill people are outwardly disturbed; however, there are many people with BPD that can seem normal on the surface, but their illness causes all their close interpersonal relationships to be in turmoil and even traumatic at times. What you or I experienced can be totally different from what a person with BPD was experiencing in their mind. That's why it's doubly confusing, since sometimes we miss the signs of an unhealthy relationship with a mentally ill person.

Hang in there. As you learn more about the illness, hopefully you'll find some solace.

[Hopeful83]

I have to tell you that you are being incredibly strong for only being out 7 weeks out of a 3 year relationship. Your story resonates with so many of the b/u stories I've read on here including my own, especially in regards for the emotional feelers that the exes send out to elicit a response from us.]

Thank you. I feel anything but strong at the moment, though. I don't know why this feels worse now than it did a few weeks back. I keep hoping to find some clarification on how and why someone can just switch like this, and because I'm no longer with him I may never know the truth. But this really has deeply affected me

[Hopeful83]

I was shocked at how detached she had become and completely unable to recollect any good memories between the 2 of us, claiming she had never been happy for the last 10 years and had not been honest with me about her feelings.

If he is BPD I can tell you what others have told me; at the core there are unresolved issues that result in a fear of abandonment and engulfment.  That can be hard to understand when the tendency to think about it is from your own perspective.  But the traits are from the perspective of the person with BPD.  The fears are tied into avoiding the feelings of pain from the source injury. 

In thinking back on your r/s, were these traits visible to you?  It was not at all apparent to me.  But, when I thought back there there were times I could see that she was pulling away from me.  Not a withdrawl so to speak as much as a harsh defensiveness.  When I reacted and moved away emotionally, for self protection, she would rush back in and tell me that she felt abandoned by me.  This went on for years. 

Were there moments in your r/s when it felt like he was pulling away?  Or you pulled away and he came rushing back? 

Any of this resonate for you?

Joe

Hi Joe,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yes, the complete withdrawal of emotions from a person who was always so affectionate, loving and kind has hurt me the most. He was always so open about how he felt about me, so for him to turn and tell me in essence that the whole relationship had been a lie has really shook me to my core, because I know it's simply not the truth.

Then, of course, there's the culture clash, so part of me wonders if this is his family interfering. I really don't know anymore.

As for signs in the relationship that he was pulling away or running back if I pulled away, well, I cannot think of anything specific right now but my head is so cloudy with thought. He would, like I said, withdraw completely (block me out for days even though we were in the same house) when we'd have an argument right at the beginning of the relationship, which I found bizarre, but that within itself doesn't really tell you anything.

He was difficult to deal with in arguments, though. He'd try to twist things to make them seem like they were my fault, but because of my strong sense of self-belief, I would never have any of it. If he was wrong and I felt he was wrong, I'd insist on it, but yeah sometimes I'd feel like I was going a bit mad because he had this strange ability to make himself look like the victim.

Argh, sorry - I'm rambling. I honestly don't know what to think anymore. I just think it's extremely unfair for him to have acted this way - you should treat people with respect, especially the person you've been the most intimate with in your life, who you've shared all your fears and dreams with. Where does all that go? How can I just not exist to him anymore when I've done nothing wrong? He had the cheek to tell me that I was the one who  walked out on him - who wouldn't have done the same if they were made to feel like they were now a choice?

[Hopeful83]

A person that changes reality often is a sign of mental illness. We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. We can look at traits, characteristics with borderline personality types. Someone that suffers from BPD often has depression, anxiety, PTSD,  substance abuse, co-morbidity.

I think it helps to share with our members that can relate with how much pain and confusion a r/s with a mentally ill person can be. I can understand how difficult that is when our partners have an intensity with adulation and our loved ones become another person at the flip of a switch - darker side. It may feel like you don't know this person anymore.

Are you seeing a T?  How are friends and family with support? Are they understanding with an ex partner that's mentally ill?

It helps to talk.

Thank you for replying. Yeah, it's the complete switch (and knowledge of his terrible childhood and his existing rage issues) that made me start researching, and that's how I came across this board. Like you said, none of us can diagnose, but I just know that turning off your emotions that way just isn't possible unless there's something wrong with you or you're just a completely horrible person - I know the latter isn't true with him. Or it certainly wasn't when we were together. He was respectful, loving and caring. He also loved my family like it was his own. So how anyone can just turn around and act like none of this history exists baffles me.

One of the main things that led me to end it (apart from this bs about his 'ex' was the fact that my brother had been in hospital for a week while we'd been arguing and he never bothered to ring me and check up on how he was. This is how I knew the person I was with had switched into someone else. The man I loved would have never acted this way when my brother was ill before - he would have put all the arguments aside and rang me to see how my brother was. Or he would have messaged my brother himself to see how he was. This was very difficult for me to understand and accept - family is family, no matter what arguments you're going through! And he'd always been so close with them all; now it's like none of us exist to him.

The other thing I found bizarre was just a few weeks back he met with a friend of his. This friend told him firmly that what he had done to me was wrong and she would never accept the idea of him and the 'ex' together. Instead of trying to explain to his friend what the issue was or make things 'good' with her first, he then brought the ex along and paraded her in front of her. The ex, however, gave the impression that she's not even interested in him like that.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Yes, I've been seeing a therapist. I haven't really suggested the idea that perhaps he's mentally unstable to her, but i think I'll bring it up in the next session and see what she thinks about it. My dad has been insisting all along that there's something messed up with his head; when he spoke to him a month or so back to ask what was going on, my dad said it was like talking to a 12 year old boy.

Thanks for the lovely welcome - certainly helps 

[Hopeful83]

Hi Hopeful83, thank you for sharing your story with us. We can see how incredibly hurtful and confusing your ex's actions have been. Many of us here can empathize because we've had very similar experiences.

BPD is a serious mental illness. Some mentally ill people are outwardly disturbed; however, there are many people with BPD that can seem normal on the surface, but their illness causes all their close interpersonal relationships to be in turmoil and even traumatic at times. What you or I experienced can be totally different from what a person with BPD was experiencing in their mind. That's why it's doubly confusing, since sometimes we miss the signs of an unhealthy relationship with a mentally ill person.

Hang in there. As you learn more about the illness, hopefully you'll find some solace.

Thank you. It really is hard for me to come to terms with this because the last time I saw him he was the boyfriend I remember he was, then boom - he goes to his home country and this happens. So I've never actually interacted with this 'new' man in person, which makes him almost fictional. My mind and heart are clearly missing the man I was with for three years, when that man simply does not exist anymore, and he probably will never exist again. That's what's most difficult for me :-(

[Hopeful83]

Also, what do you guys make of the persistent emailing for his things to be sent back to the city we were living in before we went travelling? Some points I'd like to make: I told him to leave me be to get on with my life, and he acknowledged that I said to leave me alone and apologised for getting in touch. In my mind he could have asked any one of the dozen common friends that we have to ask on his behalf whether I'd be okay with sending his stuff to him.

It also unnerves me that he insisted on telling me that this stuff needs to be sent to this other city, like he wanted me to know he's moving back there? Because sure enough it did get me thinking - why is he leaving his home country when he's supposedly back there with the woman he loves so much? Why is he heading back to a city that he told me he hated and would never live in again? (I suggested when he first started saying let's try long distance for a year that we go back to this city and he said no way in hell he'd ever go back - but it's fine to go now?)

Urgh, selfish. And to email me four times in the space of 72 hours? Double selfish.

[joeramabeme]

Also, what do you guys make of the persistent emailing for his things to be sent back to the city we were living in before we went travelling? Some points I'd like to make: I told him to leave me be to get on with my life, and he acknowledged that I said to leave me alone and apologised for getting in touch. In my mind he could have asked any one of the dozen common friends that we have to ask on his behalf whether I'd be okay with sending his stuff to him.

It also unnerves me that he insisted on telling me that this stuff needs to be sent to this other city, like he wanted me to know he's moving back there? Because sure enough it did get me thinking - why is he leaving his home country when he's supposedly back there with the woman he loves so much? Why is he heading back to a city that he told me he hated and would never live in again? (I suggested when he first started saying let's try long distance for a year that we go back to this city and he said no way in hell he'd ever go back - but it's fine to go now?)

Urgh, selfish. And to email me four times in the space of 72 hours? Double selfish.

Hopeful, those are questions that you may not have answers to now or ever.  That is not to say that he does not want to tell you, rather, he may not know the answers as to why himself.  Again, referring to what I have learned, pwBPD traits have an underdeveloped sense of self.  They are looking to define themselves in some sort of context.  Sounds like your context was engagement.  Let me expand on this by way of story.  My wife always wanted a child, she pushed hard and yet we never got there.  At some point, she gave up defining herself by this goal and used some other goal to define herself by.  Once this self-defining goal was gone, it appeared as if she never genuinely cared about it.  I know she did, but could not understand the shift.  Strange behavior to say the least.

Here is the key take away.  I was trying to understand my wife's behavior through my own thinking processes.  It simply cannot be done, b/c I do not suffer from BPD.  I suspect that you are trying to apply your thinking to understanding your fiance's behavior.   Trying to understand the actions of someone with a mental illness is not easy and if you are emotionally involved, it is even more difficult if not impossible (in the short term).

You sound like a well rounded and educated person.  As best you can, keep reading the posts out here and visit the lessons section.  Reply to this thread again.  Talk with a therapist, friends and family that you know will be supportive of you.  It takes a while to process all the information and it feels like total overload to take all this in when we are so emotionally shocked by the sudden shift.  We have all been at this point.

How are you doing today?

[Hopeful83]

Here is the key take away.  I was trying to understand my wife's behavior through my own thinking processes.  It simply cannot be done, b/c I do not suffer from BPD.  I suspect that you are trying to apply your thinking to understanding your fiance's behavior.   Trying to understand the actions of someone with a mental illness is not easy and if you are emotionally involved, it is even more difficult if not impossible (in the short term).

You sound like a well rounded and educated person.  As best you can, keep reading the posts out here and visit the lessons section.  Reply to this thread again.  Talk with a therapist, friends and family that you know will be supportive of you.  It takes a while to process all the information and it feels like total overload to take all this in when we are so emotionally shocked by the sudden shift.  We have all been at this point.

How are you doing today?

Hello,

Thank you for getting back to me, and yes - what you said makes sense. I'm having another bad day; I'm full of anxiety and questions, but also trying to move on at the same time. Not a good mix.

The problem with my situation is that I wasn't with him when we broke up, so I'm making A LOT of assumptions here. Yes, the behaviour is consistent with someone who has a personality disorder, but it's also consistent with someone who may have been asked to give up his relationship due to culture. There's part of me that thinks it might be a combination of the two, which would explain the double weird behaviour.

Unfortunately, when I piece together a lot of the evidence from the last three years, it seems that his family (strict Asians) were never too keen about our union, despite outward appearances (it's amazing how clear something becomes when you piece the whole puzzle together). When we broke up for a couple of weeks during our first year together, something very similar happened - we didn't speak for two weeks, but when I got in touch with him he was in tears telling me how much he missed me; we instantly agreed to get back together. I was out of the country at the time, so this was done over Skype. The next morning he was still fine with me, but turned cold after a day or so. At the time I couldn't understand why he was acting so weirdly, so I went back to where we were living to confront him.

Turns out he'd had a massive argument with his mum who had told him that it was for the best that we broke up because I'm not from their culture, their religion, and would never live in his home country. But the difference there was that I was in front of him, so he couldn't deny his feelings for me. This time round, however, we're not in the same country, and I feel perhaps the same thing has happened - family pressure. Much easier to deny your feelings for someone if a) they're not there and b) you can bury yourself in the distraction of an ex?

So you see, it's very hard to read my situation as there are so many factors at play here. Hence the added mind fog. I don't doubt that they caught him in a very vulnerable state of mind considering his childhood and the pressure he was under recently, but I really feel that what happened in the past could also be an indication to what's going on this time round, too.

Very confusing :-(

[Learning_curve74]

As mentioned earlier, it's hard to understand the feelings and thoughts of a mentally ill person because they don't think like you do. In fact, many times they themselves do not understand what they are feeling and doing. Their patterns of behavior are ingrained as survival skills. If for some reason your clothes caught on fire, you probably would not stop to think for a second what to do but instead simply do the very first thing that popped into your mind. For a pwBPD, they experience emotional fires and cope with maladaptive survival skills -- they get by but it's maladaptive because it ruins all their close relationships.

Even if there is the additional factor of cultural pressure from his mother, that brings up the question of how do you want to be treated by your partner? Regardless of the reasons for what he did, don't you believe you should be treated in a kind and loving way? Even if he is not mentally ill, people rarely change the way they behave. Would you want him back if he were going to do this all over again to you 2, 5, 10, 20 years in the future?

[joeramabeme]

So you see, it's very hard to read my situation as there are so many factors at play here. Hence the added mind fog. I don't doubt that they caught him in a very vulnerable state of mind considering his childhood and the pressure he was under recently, but I really feel that what happened in the past could also be an indication to what's going on this time round, too.

Very confusing :-(

Hopeful, I know it may feel "hard to read the situation" but that is primarily due to not understanding the characteristics of BPD.  As Learning_curve mentioned; these are maladaptive coping skills.  Those maladaptive traits are more prevalent when there are higher levels of stress involved. 

This can seem confusing to sort out; is it the stress or traits that are triggering the behaviors?  The fact is probably a combination of both with the primary issue being BPD traits.  Said another way, if this were only about stress one would expect that when the stress is removed, he would return to acting as he was before the stress occurred.

Are you aware of the BPD characteristic of "splitting"?  This is a trait whereby the pwBPD see's the world in black and white, they cannot regulate ambivalence, it is too scary.  This is a defense mechanism.  Think of it as a light switch of sorts.  Either something is off or on, good or bad, always or never.  You may have read the term "splitting black" in some of the posts out here.  This is in reference to the splitting trait as it relates to the feelings the pwBPD has toward their partner/relationship.  Either it is idealized or devalued, with "split black" representing a global state of devaluing their partner/relationship.  This is not intentional conscious behavior, rather a coping mechanism to manage intense core pain and any level of ambivalence that may feel unsafe.  It is a self-preservation adaptation that keeps the pwBPD safe from their core internal pain.

It is all "very confusing" as you say.  Unfortunately, when we (non's) are mid-detaching (chosen or not chosen), we want answers to the question "why" and yet we are so overwhelmed by what is happening find it hard to get that answer.

Do you see him as "splitting" your r/s black?