Attachment to workplace/co-workers?

[SummerStorm]

My former friend BPD and I worked together for one school year.  I am a full-time teacher at the school.  She student taught last fall.  A long-term substitute position became available for January-April, and she got it.  I now see the day of her hiring as a cursed day in my life, as I would have never become friends with her otherwise, but I digress. 

On the day the long-term position ended in April, she left to visit her parents in another state.  The plan was for her to then come back and do day-to-day subbing for the rest of the school year.  I could tell she was upset and feeling lost in relation to her future.  This also meant a separation from me, her best friend.  Weeks before that, she texted me and said, "I don't have much time left.  What am I going to do after April 13th?  I guess I'll sit at home and text you on the days I'm not there."  About a week before the position ended, she started cutting again, and she continued when she visited her parents (her parents were getting ready to move even farther away, so that only added to the stress).  In the middle of her trip, she got a call from the school, asking her if she wanted another long-term position.  She accepted and excitedly texted me about it.  I was so happy for her and happy that I would get to finish out the school year with her.

Now, at this point, everything started going downhill for her.  She started an affair with me, got back into smoking pot, was drinking a lot, started calling off work at the last minute, etc.  It was like April 24th was the beginning of the end.  In May, I sent her some information on teaching positions in other districts, and she thanked me, but nothing else came of it.  A week or so later, she called my classroom and excitedly told me that she thought her student teaching mentor might try to apply for an admin position at another school, and that she could then apply for his job.  I tried to be realistic and tried not to get her hopes up.  Two days before she attempted suicide, she said to another co-worker, "I really hope that position opens up and I can apply for it." 

For a while, I thought that the fact that she hadn't applied for jobs anywhere else meant that maybe she wasn't that interested in teaching, that maybe it was a career interest she mirrored.  But is it possible that she kind of formed an attachment to the school, her co-workers, and the students?  Could part of her downward spiral (only part, as there were obviously many things going on with her) have been that she was basically feeling abandoned because there wasn't a position available to her for this year? 

Side note: A position did become available, the position she thought would become available, and it just breaks my heart.  She's moving across the country soon anyway, and she discarded me, but it just makes me so sad that the one thing she wanted became available too late.  I'm not saying it would have fixed everything, but it at least would have given her some stability.     

[rotiroti]

That's really interesting and I think it certainly could!

I think you could apply additional  DSM criteria and common BPD traits to explain a pwBPD's behavior. Impulsivity, lack of identity, and wildly fluctuating emotions could explain a pwBPD's frequent job changes.

Lack of identity -- the role of teacher gives a pwBPD a firm identity as a teacher and caretaker of his/her students. That could be very comforting for someone who is always seeking an identity.

Impulsivity - applying for x job in the first place, deciding to move to a completely new field, etc. Or in your ex's case, moving 3000 miles away! It sounded from what you wrote that she was good at her teaching position, and indeed many pwBPD are very good at their career. Mine was a really well liked professional (to make things more confusing at home!).

Fluctuating emotions - I guess this goes hand in hand with impulsivity.

Novelty seeking behaviors - same as the above 2.

Fear of engulfment - Perhaps this could apply as well? As a person becomes more ingrained into the teacher role, perhaps they could feel their "true" self disappear. Maybe this is stretching it. My ex would always state how she loved to be spontaneous and fearless before big life changes like moves and such.

[SummerStorm]

rotiroti,

She definitely was close to the students, and they really liked and respected her.  She realized that several of them had cheated on a major paper, and she got all of them to admit to it!  She also had a student who cuts and has a lot of emotional problems, so she felt a connection to her.  She was really good with emotional support students in general. 

The move is apparently so she can get treatment (DBT is available near where she lives now).  Her parents also live there, which is good, since her fear of abandonment really kicked in when they moved.  She's taking her boyfriend with her, which I think is the worst idea ever, but not my problem anymore.  I just hope the poor guy likes it out there, seeing as how he's never been there before! 

I can see fear of engulfment, but maybe in a slightly different way.  She always used to say to me that she didn't want to date someone she worked with.  I never could figure out why.  I think it's because she knew that it would lead to her feeling engulfed.  Actually, the beginning of the end of our sexual relationship came after we worked together two days in a row and she slept over at my house both nights. 

[rotiroti]

I also found my pwBPD do be extremely intuitive with other's feelings. Like scary intuitive!

You're right about not being your problem anymore, but man... .does he have any social support out there?

[SummerStorm]

I also found my pwBPD do be extremely intuitive with other's feelings. Like scary intuitive!

You're right about not being your problem anymore, but man... .does he have any social support out there?

Nope.  Her parents just moved out there.  Neither he nor she have actually been out there (the original plan was for them to vacation out there this month).  He's met her parents once, in the ER, when she was in the hospital.

June 4th: After a night of fighting and raging, she takes 50 adderall and is rushed to the ER.

June 5th: She's diagnosed with BPD.

June 12th: A text from him: "She's the same great girl I first met."

June 16: She rages at me in a text and discards me.

June 20th: A text from him: "Yeah, she's been getting annoyed with everyone, including me because I keep telling her to get a job because I'm paying all the rent right now."

June 26th: A text from him, in response to a story I told him about her raging at me for no reason: "Wow... .that's messed up.  Yeah, she's been raging at me again for basically nothing every once in a while.  I don't know if this will work or not, but I want to keep trying."

July 5th: He stops replying to me.

July 8th: On Facebook, he posts about her being wife material.  Someone commented about wanting him to visit her and her husband, and he replied, "I'll have to do that.  I'm moving soon and won't be around."  I thought, "Oh, they must be getting their own apartment or something.

July 21st: I get a card from her.  "C and I are moving to California in mid-September." 

This was me:       

Yes, she hopes to get treatment, but this is just so much at one time.  He's been working constantly and is selling one of his guitars, just to save up money because he won't have a job when he gets out there, and neither will she.

His dad thinks this is all just great.  Two months after they started dating, he was commenting on her Facebook page and bringing up marriage.  Five months after they started dating, he told his son that it's time for him to get engaged.  That was just days after she got out of the psych ward (boyfriend basically didn't tell anyone she was there).