I want to know she hurts. I want to know she misses me and is dying inside. I want to know she know she ruined he best thing she ever had. And I want her to look me in the eye and come clean on every one of her lies... .
And I want her to be sorry and say she is sorry.
Thats what I want.
She has BPD. She hurts 24/7. She's constantly searching for something that doesn't make her hurt. What she doesn't realize is that she's the only one who can make that happen. This is the cruel reality of BPD.
Even if she were diagnosed and started therapy, it would still take her a while to realize that. And therapy for a pwBPD hurts like hell. I recently read an old post from A.J. Mahari, and something she said really hit home for me: "When I was borderline, my God, for so long I didn't get it at all and thought everything was everyone else's problem but when I did 'get it' in therapy and when I came face to face (around the age of 34 - over 15 years ago now) with how immature I really was it was like I was the last to know and I was devastated."
This doesn't mean that you don't have the right to be angry as hell and to want closure and to know that she's hurting and missing you. Believe me, there are days when I just wake up pissed off and wanting to text her a string of angry messages. But you know what that would do? Nothing. Because she has the emotional capacity of a 3 year old, she's not going to understand that my anger comes from the deep hurt she caused within me.
In terms of getting closure and getting an apology, you need to search inside yourself for closure and then realize that pwBPD don't really understand the concept of an apology and why it's needed. Mine honestly didn't understand why people say "I'm sorry."
Mine sent me a card a few weeks ago, and I first saw it as this amazing example of closure. But then, I read further into it. She apologized in it. But do you know what she apologized for? For not being the friend I thought she was. That's it. I now firmly believe that this is because she was dissociating during the times when she was raging at me. She honestly doesn't remember saying those things to me. She also said that I'm a major reason why she wants to get treatment, but that I should not try to contact her. I honestly think that the only reason she sent me this card is because she was packing to move, found some things that she borrowed from me (object constancy) and was briefly reminded of the good times she shared. As soon as those things were placed in the mailbox, there was a lack of object constancy, and she went back to me being "all black."
In terms of her ever coming clean on her lies, it's widely believed that pwBPD firmly believe that their lies are the truth. Therefore, they can't "come clean" because they don't think they have anything to "come clean" about.
As enlighten me wrote, she probably did mean that you were her soulmate and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you. Unfortunately, pwBPD can't hold on to that, and those thoughts come from an immature place anyway. When I asked mine about this, she said, "I did want those things... .sometimes." This was when she was at her lowest, one-on-one with me, in the psych ward, with no reason to lie, so I truly do believe her. When she said that she wanted to marry me and that she pictured our wedding, she meant it. She was picturing it. But just as quickly, that picture faded.
