Unbelievable

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Was with my uBPD mom again this weekend as we had the second and final celebration of life for my dad this weekend.  They lived in two different places over the years and we honored my dad's wishes to do two separate funerals.  I got through it but it has really set in that he is gone now and life will need to continue on.  I'm having high anxiety that I am now put in the position of being her #1 person to call and dump on.  I always was but she was so busy with my dad and dumping on him too that I had some reprieve from it.  Now she's alone and of course treats everyone like it's our responsibility to pick up the pieces of her life.  I spent 3 hours with her today (along with my cousin's wife who is an estate planning attorney - Thank GOD becuse she can and is willing to help my mom get things in order financially).  I'm so thankful she was there and not only led the discussion and efforts to get things in order but also was a buffer.  If it had been me alone someone wouldn't have made it out alive.  I still had to sit through her drama queen behavior though, crying, carrying on and needing to tell my cousin (who already knows the story) the whole saga of how hard these years have been and how she's now in this position becuse HE wouldn't show her all the financial stuff.  That is total BS by the way.  My mom was completely unwilling to even try to learn all the particulars of their finances and THAT is why she was kept in the dark.  He took care of it like he took care of everything - and by the way, left her very financially secure and with everything mostly on autopay so the bills really aren't that big of a deal.  She spent the 3 hours snapping at me and acting as if us being there to help her was a given not something we should be appreciated for.  I just don't understand the BPD entitlement.  They just assume everyone is at their beck and call regardless of the havoc they wreak.  I almost threw her in the lake she lives on when she also dropped the bomb to my cousin that a few years ago when my dad left my mom (briefly- it didn't last) that it was because of his Parkinson's Disease and his confusion and misunderstanding her that made her leave.  Such crap!  I just cannot stand that she is still living and rewriting history to her advantage and he's not here anymore to even defend himself and he was 100% the victim!   Ahhhhhh! I just want to scream.

[keldubs78]

Was with my uBPD mom again this weekend as we had the second and final celebration of life for my dad this weekend.  They lived in two different places over the years and we honored my dad's wishes to do two separate funerals.  I got through it but it has really set in that he is gone now and life will need to continue on.  I'm having high anxiety that I am now put in the position of being her #1 person to call and dump on.  I always was but she was so busy with my dad and dumping on him too that I had some reprieve from it.  Now she's alone and of course treats everyone like it's our responsibility to pick up the pieces of her life.  I spent 3 hours with her today (along with my cousin's wife who is an estate planning attorney - Thank GOD becuse she can and is willing to help my mom get things in order financially).  I'm so thankful she was there and not only led the discussion and efforts to get things in order but also was a buffer.  If it had been me alone someone wouldn't have made it out alive.  I still had to sit through her drama queen behavior though, crying, carrying on and needing to tell my cousin (who already knows the story) the whole saga of how hard these years have been and how she's now in this position becuse HE wouldn't show her all the financial stuff.  That is total BS by the way.  My mom was completely unwilling to even try to learn all the particulars of their finances and THAT is why she was kept in the dark.  He took care of it like he took care of everything - and by the way, left her very financially secure and with everything mostly on autopay so the bills really aren't that big of a deal.  She spent the 3 hours snapping at me and acting as if us being there to help her was a given not something we should be appreciated for.  I just don't understand the BPD entitlement.  They just assume everyone is at their beck and call regardless of the havoc they wreak.  I almost threw her in the lake she lives on when she also dropped the bomb to my cousin that a few years ago when my dad left my mom (briefly- it didn't last) that it was because of his Parkinson's Disease and his confusion and misunderstanding her that made her leave.  Such crap!  I just cannot stand that she is still living and rewriting history to her advantage and he's not here anymore to even defend himself and he was 100% the victim!   Ahhhhhh! I just want to scream.

[Kwamina]

I just don't understand the BPD entitlement.  They just assume everyone is at their beck and call regardless of the havoc they wreak.  I almost threw her in the lake she lives on when she also dropped the bomb to my cousin that a few years ago when my dad left my mom (briefly- it didn't last) that it was because of his Parkinson's Disease and his confusion and misunderstanding her that made her leave.  Such crap!  I just cannot stand that she is still living and rewriting history to her advantage and he's not here anymore to even defend himself and he was 100% the victim!   Ahhhhhh! I just want to scream.

It can indeed be very difficult to understand why people with BPD behave the way they do. Something that might help you is to consider that people with BPD are essentially wired differently than non-disordered people. As a result certain behaviors that we might find mind-boggling, might actually make perfect sense in your mother's mind.

It's clear that her behavior frustrates you still. As hard as it is to accept, this is the reality of who your mother is and this unfortunately might not change. This is a harsh reality to accept because it means letting go of the 'fantasy mother' that you probably never had but deep down inside might still want your mother to be. Do you feel like you've truly been able to accept the fact that your mother has BPD, the consequences this has for her behavior and the fact that she might never change?

Take care of yourself as you go through this difficult time in which you are mourning the dead of your father

[keldubs78]

Yes, I believe I have fully accepted that my mother has BPD and that she will never change.  I guess I don't know how to make that leap entirely from knowing that cognitively and thus not letting it get to me.  Especially so raw with my father's death.  That is why I needed to go NC.  Maybe it won't be forever.  Maybe I can come to a better place of accepting her for who she is.  At this point though just being around her or having any communication whatsoever just makes me angry.  Ang that anger affects my daily life. 

[chopins_ocean]

I soo hear you on this one. Similarly, when my father passed my mother too became the energy sucking victim. One thing to keep in mind, when her behaviour escalates like that, it's because she herself is dys-regulating, literally on a physiological level. Over the years, it has helped me to regulate my anger to imagine her as truly a disorganized child with severely underdeveloped capacities. That said, I have also learned that accommodating her during these "episodes" also serves to enable and deepen the behaviour and disorganization. Boundaries, respectfully enforced from your end are crucial. Especially because you too are important in this picture and processing your grief is a priority. 

Although I still struggle with intense feelings of anger, exercising compassion toward myself through setting boundaries ahead of time, self-care and most importantly, compassion toward the sad lonely, angry inner child that emerges when my mom triggers me, has helped my anger immensely.

Tough stuff. Take good care of you... .FYI My favourite resource is "Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem"

[Kwamina]

Hi again keldubs78

Yes, I believe I have fully accepted that my mother has BPD and that she will never change.  I guess I don't know how to make that leap entirely from knowing that cognitively and thus not letting it get to me.  Especially so raw with my father's death.  That is why I needed to go NC.  Maybe it won't be forever.  Maybe I can come to a better place of accepting her for who she is.  At this point though just being around her or having any communication whatsoever just makes me angry.  Ang that anger affects my daily life.  

Knowing something on a cognitive level is indeed one thing, but we can still struggle with the emotions. Especially in such difficult times like this in which you have lost your father. This is already a stressful time for you in which you might be particularly vulnerable to additional triggers such as your mom's behavior.

Even when we've on a cognitive level have accepted that our BPD parent will probably never change, times like this can be extra painful and difficult. Normally you would go to your parent to soothe you when you're going through a difficult time. In this case however your remaining parent actually has often been and unfortunately continues to be a cause of pain. It makes sense that you would distance yourself from her now since it's clear that her behavior is really taking its toll on you. As you say, this period of NC doesn't have to be forever, but as you mourn your father's passing I think you are particularly vulnerable so it's only logical that you then take extra steps to protect yourself.

Take care and I hope you will be able to be gentle for yourself and treat yourself with compassion as you go through all of this