When they call you after the breakup to get items they need ...

[borderdude]

So it's been long time since I broke with my BPD ex, but she sometimes calls me to make me give or supply her with items like smoke, food, money etc , she has  a hard time organizing her life.


I understand she view me as a caretaker of some kind, and off course I tell her no, and put strict borders.

But I wonder , are there "other reasons" in addition for calling me and maintaining contact ?

Like do she also need my attention, or keep me in backup, a "mental" supply?

thankyou.

[disorderedsociety]

Likely already has attention (supply) coming from elsewhere. Doesn't sound like she sticks around for long after you give her what she wants. Do you gain satisfaction from her using you for things?

[valet]

You are right when you ask if she needs your attention. Asking for things is her way of keeping you engaged in the relationship. This is a good example of her fears of abandonment. She wants to make sure that you are still there.

How do you feel when she contacts you to ask for things?

[borderdude]

You are right when you ask if she needs your attention. Asking for things is her way of keeping you engaged in the relationship. This is a good example of her fears of abandonment. She wants to make sure that you are still there.

How do you feel when she contacts you to ask for things?

She can be drunk, and have a bad language , deliberately give me a bad consciousnesses , childish. I suspect her having several others that she try to give her stuff. I generally feel bad for not helping her out, just like you would do towards a helpless child.

[Turkish]

You are right when you ask if she needs your attention. Asking for things is her way of keeping you engaged in the relationship. This is a good example of her fears of abandonment. She wants to make sure that you are still there.

How do you feel when she contacts you to ask for things?

She can be drunk, and have a bad language , deliberately give me a bad consciousnesses , childish. I suspect her having several others that she try to give her stuff. I generally feel bad for not helping her out, just like you would do towards a helpless child.

She may be acting like a helpless child, but she's not. She survives by using the coping mchanisms which work: playing the waif. By doing for adults that which they should do for themselves, we can contribute to their lack of growth. Its hard when dealing with romantic relationships and the feelngs associated with that.

[borderdude]

You are right when you ask if she needs your attention. Asking for things is her way of keeping you engaged in the relationship. This is a good example of her fears of abandonment. She wants to make sure that you are still there.

How do you feel when she contacts you to ask for things?

She can be drunk, and have a bad language , deliberately give me a bad consciousnesses , childish. I suspect her having several others that she try to give her stuff. I generally feel bad for not helping her out, just like you would do towards a helpless child.

She may be acting like a helpless child, but she's not. She survives by using the coping mchanisms which work: playing the waif. By doing for adults that which they should do for themselves, we can contribute to their lack of growth. Its hard when dealing with romantic relationships and the feelngs associated with that.

I only hope she has the ability to grow. She seems to be arrested in her development at an early age and I question if she got anything to grow with? meaning if her mind is able to be developed at all, at least she make absolutely no effort to seek help and become a mature dependent person.

[Turkish]

My T told me in a way radical acceptance, "personalities typically don't change," and, "I sense a lot of your frustration and anger stems from expecting her to be someone she is not."

If she doesn't change, or seek help, where does that leave you?

[Learning_curve74]

If it's her habit to ask other people to always help her, and many times these people do help, what exactly is her impetus to change? Isn't she like a person addicted to playing the slot machines in Vegas? Over the long run she is losing, but she keeps getting a small payout now and then, so she keeps playing... .

A question for borderdude: if you keep walking by a house where a dog runs out and bites you every time, do you really care whether it is biting you because it's territorial, hungry, or just plain mean?

Is she an adult or a helpless child? Does it make a difference to you?

[borderdude]

At first I think:

1.By demonstrating strong boundaries towards myself and teaching them to her, she might at least learn something about how adult people should behave.

2.I understand she endure a terrible mental helpless conditions, and I think : At  least maybe I can demonstrate just being human being for her , a last resort, when everybody has giving her up (sort of mother Theresa).

I have accepted she never will change.

[sas1729]

Hey borderdude,

It's good that you have put in place strong boundaries, but let me ask this (rhetorical?) question. It sounds like your boundaries are about not giving in to her requests. But this means that you listen to her requests before saying no. What if all she wants is to keep you in her orbit by reaching out to you and having you communicate to her, even if it's a no?

I agree that without a lot of therapy pwBPD will continue to suffer from the disorder. But I'm concerned about you. What do you feel when she reaches out? You mentioned guilt, as in denying help to a child. Someone already replied saying that this is a deliberate act on the part of BPD. All right. So why put yourself through this? Have you considered NC? A deliberate no reply has the same physical effect of saying no - you don't give in to her requests. But in this way you may be able to show her that you are no longer around to be involved in her orbit.

In so many of these stories I think the nonBPD is still sacrificing by being in communication, no matter how distantly. If there are hard boundaries in place, why even bother getting into a situation where they have to be enforced? Why even reply?

[borderdude]

Hey borderdude,

It's good that you have put in place strong boundaries, but let me ask this (rhetorical?) question. It sounds like your boundaries are about not giving in to her requests. But this means that you listen to her requests before saying no. What if all she wants is to keep you in her orbit by reaching out to you and having you communicate to her, even if it's a no?

I agree that without a lot of therapy pwBPD will continue to suffer from the disorder. But I'm concerned about you. What do you feel when she reaches out? You mentioned guilt, as in denying help to a child. Someone already replied saying that this is a deliberate act on the part of BPD. All right. So why put yourself through this? Have you considered NC? A deliberate no reply has the same physical effect of saying no - you don't give in to her requests. But in this way you may be able to show her that you are no longer around to be involved in her orbit.

In so many of these stories I think the nonBPD is still sacrificing by being in communication, no matter how distantly. If there are hard boundaries in place, why even bother getting into a situation where they have to be enforced? Why even reply?

After reading this I have to arrest myself at how "good" I am lying to myself. Deep within there is a deep hope for that person (BPD ex) to return someday , and everyting went well after all. It was never a RS based on reality or mutually respect, only for filling a void at both sides.