Newbie needs a little support

[Chromium]

Hi,

I´m new here and I hope that you can give me some advice. My sister has BPS and is in a clinic again right now. It´s her 6th therapy and the longest so far coz it was eather therapy or prison. My problem now is this letter.

I wrote her a letter coz I couldn´t talk to her for like half a year. And I really mean it: I couldn´t. The topic was still there, in the back of my head, every singel day, always, but I didn´t know how to deal with it so I kinda pretended she didnt exist. Im not proud of it and I´m sure it didn´t help her, but that´s how it was.

What I couldn´t deal with was this feeling of beeing riped apart, that on the one hand, I wanna safe her and I wanna help her coz I love her so much, she´s my sister. On the other hand I´m extremly scarred, that every time I talk to her it could be the last time (she had like 7 suizide attempts, at least thats the ones I know of, prob more). She lied on the floor in front of me with cut open arms. I have to add that my mum killed herself and my sis keeps sayin that she´s gonna kill herself too. I cant stand loosing somebody I love again.

On the other handy I´m so angry. She took an overdose of H on my birthday and said she would be happy if she can destroy the day for me and that she wants me to feel bad. She destroyed a lot of the things I love in the past, like a foto book with memories, I worked hours on and she ripped it apart. The front door of our house: destroyed, coz we refused to give her money and my dad build this door. I am very, very angry but I never talked to her about it coz she was always in bad condition, goin from clinic to clinic or from one suizide attempt to the next.

So after half a year I wrote her a letter, a friend helped me, otherwise I couldn´t have done it I can´t get through this "blocking" in my mind to start this whole mess again. She replied that she´s better but also that she tried to poisen herself and that she´s still not sure if she´s serious about quitting with Alk and Drugs and Tabletts.

I dont understand that, can anybody explain that to me? Coz if you suffer so much, how can´t you wanna quit and get better?

It´s been a week now since the letter came and I should write back but I donno how to do it. I am stil extremly angry but I don´t want to criticise her, coz it wouldn´t help her in therapy at all. I think she needs support instead but I just can´t keep pretending that everything is fine.

Please help me, I really donno what to do.

[Klo]

My personal two cents advice, would be to wish her well in her recovery journey and leave it at that. From what you describe, it sounds like she uses self-harm and suicide threats/attempts in a very manipulative manner. It would not surprise me if she said to you that she's not sure she wants to quit her self-destructive habits, just to try to make you upset and to get you to try to argue with her and try to 'rescue' her. That is not your job. That is her job, to work on her own healing and take her treatment seriously. You need to focus on yourself, your own mental health and your own healing from the things you have been through. I would advise not letting her suck you in.