Dying inside

[Sadly]

hello all. Not doing so good today. I have made my plans, am setting off tomorrow to visit my brother and his family. I plan to look at some new homes to move to, it's 300 miles away to distance myself. Now, all of a sudden I am crying and crumbling inside. I feel like a child. All I can think of is how much we loved. he doesn't want me anymore but always wants to be with me. I don't understand. I want it back. I know its impossible and would continue to be a cruel verbally abusive and sad relationship. I don't want that back I want my love back, how childish is that. Crying for the moon he once promised me. I advised someone today not to send a letter to their ex but write everything they felt down, as if they were talking to that person. what right have I got to advise anyone of anything, I cant stay constant from one minute to the next.

[Chrisbazsky77]

 

Hi Sadly,

I'm sorry that you are having one of those days... .

I know its impossible and would continue to be a cruel verbally abusive and sad relationship.

The fact the you have already realised this is a huge step forward.

Your words resonated so much with me... .it's EXACTLY how I feel some days. Isn't it almost like we were on a roller-coaster then, now we are just on a different one, except alone? I also miss the "good" him, very often, I mourn for the promises made and for the love we shared(which I believe was real and special-he is disordered and didn't know how to process it all effectively and maturely).

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are only human and the suggestions you make are valid, true, heartfelt and provide strength to just the person seeking it at the time.

Special hugs.

[Sadly]

Thank you. I desperately want not to be so sad anymore, as I am sure we all do. Its nice when people respond that they have been there, done that and got through it. one day I would love to be one of those people. Hugs to you too. xx

[Herodias]

It has taken me since January to stop the crying over my life that I was pretending was so wonderful. I miss the love-bombing phase too, but that was short lived. I lived with abuse for 8 years! You need to get some support to see that this is not a normal relationship and what you should expect one to be. It does get better! It is nice to actually feel free to go out and have a good time and not have to worry about what kind of crazy thing could happen when they are around. Mine has a new GF who is not yet divorced as well! She left her husband for him! I do not feel sorry for her, because she will get what is coming to her for doing that. My husband keeps telling me he wants to get back together, but then the next day tells me he lied. It's ridiculous to have to listen to it. I have told him I no longer want to hear from him. He can rage on his new gf and leave me alone. It is scary to wonder what is in store for us next, but you have to learn from this experience and not ever accept this kind of behavior again! Learn what is normal and don't ignore red flags... .I ignored them all because I loved the attention. Be good to yourself now and get busy making a normal life for yourself... .you will be better than fine when time passes and you get a good look at what you have been through, trust me. Best wishes... .

[Sadly]

Thank you, I appreciate your reply and it is always good to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel. I guess I just have to believe it.   xx

[scgator]

Hi Sadly,

I'm sorry that you are having one of those days... .

I know its impossible and would continue to be a cruel verbally abusive and sad relationship.

The fact the you have already realised this is a huge step forward.

Your words resonated so much with me... .it's EXACTLY how I feel some days. Isn't it almost like we were on a roller-coaster then, now we are just on a different one, except alone? I also miss the "good" him, very often, I mourn for the promises made and for the love we shared(which I believe was real and special-he is disordered and didn't know how to process it all effectively and maturely).

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are only human and the suggestions you make are valid, true, heartfelt and provide strength to just the person seeking it at the time.

Special hugs.

Great way to put it. This rollercoaster we're on now sure seems to have its fair share of ups and downs. I had to trade in the car I bought with my ex last night to save some money so it's been a rough night/morning. Today I'm missing her beyond all reason. I mean I KNOW how bad we are for each other and yet I STILL fight not to reach out and try. I feel like I've been fighting for this relationship for over half the time we were together so it's a hard habit to break. I am typing up letters to her that I send to myself because there is so much on my chest that I want to get off yet there's no point in sharing it with her. I'm sure reading anything I have to say would lead her to anger/rage, a recycle attempt or out and out rejection depending on her mood.

So yes, it feels like I'm on my own rollercoaster ride now and it sucks just as badly as the one I got off, well almost. I have to focus on the reality here. All the things said and done on her end. Man oh man it's hard when the rollercoaster is down though and all I do is miss her and want to tell her.

[apollotech]

... .he doesn't want me anymore but always wants to be with me. I don't understand.

Sadly,

This is the unhealthy "needs" based love that I spoke of on another thread, that you commented on. You are correct in your statement, he doesn't want you; he "needs" the attachment in order to avoid his fear of abandonment. His unhealthy need is in no way a reflection upon you; this is his illness at work. It has nothing to do with you as a person. In essence, you have been objectified to meet his need in thwarting his fear of abandonment.

This is your time for self-exploration and self-growth. To do that, you need to get the focus off of him and onto you. In other words, moving in a direction where you're not being reactive to him and his behaviors/actions and, instead, you become proactive regarding yourself. You will get there. Focusing on positive things for yourself---completely detached from him or the failed relationship---will help you get there.