Was this BPD?

[Lis2606]

Hi everyone, I'm new here I was looking for some insight on a relationship with my (now ex) boyfriend.

We split up around 4 months ago. I am doing ok, a lot better than I was. But I stumbled across BPD and have been reading bits about it. I can't help but wonder if my ex had this and I was wondering if anyone could give me their opinion.

We were together 18 months. When we first met, he came on quite strong. I was drawn to his confidence; something about him felt different to other men I'd dated in the past. He said the same about me, that there was something about me. I found him to be quite arrogant at the start, he kept telling me there's not many guys like him. That I should feel lucky. He would send huge long text messages about how "respectful" he is. He always reminded me how guys like him were a dying breed. I felt a bit put off because of this, and I backed off. I noticed he backed off too but as soon as I became closer again, as his arrogance subsided, he too opened up again. He would spend huge amounts of money on me within the first few months, constantly spoiling me. But this eventually stopped.

3 months in he started talking about us saving for a mortgage. I thought this was a bit too full on but I was really starting to fall for him at this point so I went with the flow and started looking forward to the future. He always told me he was usually fussy with girls and hasn't been out with that many, and that I should feel special because of this, but as time went on I found that he had been involved with a lot of women. He asked a lot of questions about my past, wanting to know every detail and would often hold this against me in arguments. Whenever I asked about his, he would never tell me. He would often become angry and frustrated over small things and his mood would change in an instant, and take a while to change back. He started to make comments about clothes I wore; he hated anything fitted that showed my shape and would say I was disrespectful if I wore certain things, because "men would look." He hated me going to the gym; I had to rush to hospital once after the gym because a family member was taken ill and my ex complained that I'd be walking around the hospital in gym wear which was disrespecting him. He didn't mention my family member.

He then also started accusing me of things. He always thought I was looking at other men. He was very distrustful of other people and would always remind me how others can't be trusted and, once again, there aren't many people as trustworthy as he is. He would start huge arguments about me looking at other men, and he always thought I was lying. I always felt like a bad girlfriend and he had a way of making me feel like I wasn't as good as him. He'd often say things like "I'm sure there's girls out there who have the same morals and respect as me" which made me feel awful, like I could never please him. My confidence was shattered and I felt like I was constantly trying and failing at pleasing him. We went on a vacation and spent most of the time in the room with me trying to convince him that I wasn't interested in other men. Again, this turned into 2 weeks of guilt tripping and making me feel not good enough. I spent the majority of the time in the hotel room upset. He got angry on a few occasions, smashing glasses etc. he was always really paranoid and I could tell he was extremely insecure but put on a front to convince others how great he was.

He would imagine scenarios in his head about how I behave when he wasn't around. He pictured something once and asked did I check out men at the gym. I said no. He started a huge argument over this and stormed out. It was my birthday. He didn't apologise for spoiling my day once. There were plenty of other stories but I guess you can get the gist. I honestly felt like I was going crazy and I didn't tell anyone. Late last year I noticed he began withdrawing. He stopped giving affection and talking to me like he used to. He said he was feeling different about me and no longer felt the same. I couldn't understand where this had came from. He said he was afraid this is likely to happen with every woman he has a relationship with, but at the same time he would blame me. I was so confused. He became so cold, his accusations became worse and in the end I walked away. We spoke a few months after the break up because I wanted closure, but he said he didn't understand why he felt different. Just that something had "broke" in him and he wanted a new brain. He said this whilst we were together too. He'd often cry if he felt frustrated over something, or about the way he looks.

I guess I'm looking for some insight here. I still feel confused about it all. I'm doing a lot better but my self esteem has taken such a huge hit. I think about him a lot even though I know the relationship was toxic. I hate feeling like I have been tossed aside so easily and forgotten about when I sacrificed so much for him. Can anyone give me their opinion on what this was? Was it BPD or was he just not into me enough to continue?

Thanks guys

[Lis2606]

Oh and another thing that may be worth adding... He always had this impression that I was an attention seeker. He'd often tell me that I needed attention and I had daddy issues. Not true at all. I come from a very loving family, both of my parents are still happily together and I've had a wonderful upbringing.  It hurt me that he said this because he knows how lovely my family are and they all accepted and welcomed him into our home.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Oh and another thing that may be worth adding... He always had this impression that I was an attention seeker. He'd often tell me that I needed attention and I had daddy issues. Not true at all. I come from a very loving family, both of my parents are still happily together and I've had a wonderful upbringing.  It hurt me that he said this because he knows how lovely my family are and they all accepted and welcomed him into our home.

It's hard to know if it's BPD or not, but some of what you describe sounds a lot like a narcissist as well. I would look at that as well because someone who is always telling you how fantastic they are and how fantastic you are, and then they tell you you're not (they've knocked you off the pedestal) sounds like someone who may have NPD. Having said that, it's clear he has some serious issues and based on what you said may suffer from sort of emotional disorder.

I hope it helps you to find a way back to healthy self esteem knowing that it wasn't you.

[Lis2606]

Oh and another thing that may be worth adding... He always had this impression that I was an attention seeker. He'd often tell me that I needed attention and I had daddy issues. Not true at all. I come from a very loving family, both of my parents are still happily together and I've had a wonderful upbringing.  It hurt me that he said this because he knows how lovely my family are and they all accepted and welcomed him into our home.

It's hard to know if it's BPD or not, but some of what you describe sounds a lot like a narcissist as well. I would look at that as well because someone who is always telling you how fantastic they are and how fantastic you are, and then they tell you you're not (they've knocked you off the pedestal) sounds like someone who may have NPD. Having said that, it's clear he has some serious issues and based on what you said may suffer from sort of emotional disorder.

I hope it helps you to find a way back to healthy self esteem knowing that it wasn't you.

Thanks for your input. He definitely knocked me off the pedestal, he told me that himself. He said he no longer thinks the sun shines out my a**. When I asked why he said he didn't know. It just hurts so much that he just suddenly felt different towards me and can't explain why. I feel like I was just so disposable to him, I don't know how people's feelings can just change and them become so cold quickly. I don't know why I care so much but I do, I think my confidence has been shattered.

[Pretty Woman]

BPD or not... .it's not "" normal. I agree with another poster it sounds more NPD. You should be able to wear whatever you want and look at whomever you want. He sounds extremely controlling in an abusive way.

[Lis2606]

BPD or not... .it's not "" normal. I agree with another poster it sounds more NPD. You should be able to wear whatever you want and look at whomever you want. He sounds extremely controlling in an abusive way.

I will read about NPD and see if it matches in any way. It's strange because although I feel relieved to be away from all of that, a part of me still wants to understand all of it properly and have some kind of closure 

[BlackandBlue]

I faced the same accusations as well. Always thought I was looking at other women, looking at and watching porn, pleasuring myself, etc... .it was ridiculous and totally false! No matter what I did to reassure her that I wasn't doing anything of the sort didn't help. Eventually I fired back and started defending myself and she got upset at me for that too. Your ex sounds a bit on the narcissistic side but symptoms can overlap with the cluster b personality disorders(at least thats what I read). My ex showed mostly borderline traits with some narcissistic and antisocial traits at times.

[Lis2606]

I faced the same accusations as well. Always thought I was looking at other women, looking at and watching porn, pleasuring myself, etc... .it was ridiculous and totally false! No matter what I did to reassure her that I wasn't doing anything of the sort didn't help. Eventually I fired back and started defending myself and she got upset at me for that too. Your ex sounds a bit on the narcissistic side but symptoms can overlap with the cluster b personality disorders(at least thats what I read). My ex showed mostly borderline traits with some narcissistic and antisocial traits at times.

It's very frustrating isn't it? My ex was doubting his feelings for me for a while, and because of this, even more accusations were throwin into the mix because he wasn't giving me any affection so he assumed I'd be getting it elsewhere. He started huge arguments over this. And like you, no amount of reassurance helped. It was always "yes but I know what most people are like"

[BlackandBlue]

I faced the same accusations as well. Always thought I was looking at other women, looking at and watching porn, pleasuring myself, etc... .it was ridiculous and totally false! No matter what I did to reassure her that I wasn't doing anything of the sort didn't help. Eventually I fired back and started defending myself and she got upset at me for that too. Your ex sounds a bit on the narcissistic side but symptoms can overlap with the cluster b personality disorders(at least thats what I read). My ex showed mostly borderline traits with some narcissistic and antisocial traits at times.

It's very frustrating isn't it? My ex was doubting his feelings for me for a while, and because of this, even more accusations were throwin into the mix because he wasn't giving me any affection so he assumed I'd be getting it elsewhere. He started huge arguments over this. And like you, no amount of reassurance helped. It was always "yes but I know what most people are like"

Very frustrating! I honestly think that us the main reason the relationship ended. It was her constant jealousy and paranoia about me doing all if this stuff I wasn't doing. I was like a wild animal backed into a corner at the end.

[Dr56]

Oh and another thing that may be worth adding... He always had this impression that I was an attention seeker. He'd often tell me that I needed attention and I had daddy issues. Not true at all. I come from a very loving family, both of my parents are still happily together and I've had a wonderful upbringing.  It hurt me that he said this because he knows how lovely my family are and they all accepted and welcomed him into our home.

I can relate to this. My stbxw was obsessed with criticizing my interactions with my family. My family picture is not as rosy perhaps as yours; my parents divorced when I was young, but even if complicated at times, my relationship with my parents is durable, supportive, loving. My family all loved my wife, welcomed her completely, and viewed her as their own daughter/sister/etc. My wife though is from a dysfunctional family background and had a complete falling out with her total narcissist of a mom a couple years back. I think she projected a lot of her own pain from that experience onto me and my family, and by the end she was trying to engage in a lot of triangulating, trying to drive a wedge between me and my family members. She used to tell me how "sick and dishonest" my relationship with my mom was - this coming from someone who's got no relationship with her own mother now.

Did your exbf have a dysfunctional/abusive family history he might have tried to deflect on to you? If he's got narcissistic or borderline traits, odds are he had a parent or parents with them, and he's got his own daddy or mommy issues.

Btw - my wife has never been diagnosed, but after consulting with professionals, family, friends, this board, I'm pretty sure she's a high functioning borderline. She doesn't have quite the same grandiose attributes you describe in your exbf.

[Lis2606]

Oh and another thing that may be worth adding... He always had this impression that I was an attention seeker. He'd often tell me that I needed attention and I had daddy issues. Not true at all. I come from a very loving family, both of my parents are still happily together and I've had a wonderful upbringing.  It hurt me that he said this because he knows how lovely my family are and they all accepted and welcomed him into our home.

I can relate to this. My stbxw was obsessed with criticizing my interactions with my family. My family picture is not as rosy perhaps as yours; my parents divorced when I was young, but even if complicated at times, my relationship with my parents is durable, supportive, loving. My family all loved my wife, welcomed her completely, and viewed her as their own daughter/sister/etc. My wife though is from a dysfunctional family background and had a complete falling out with her total narcissist of a mom a couple years back. I think she projected a lot of her own pain from that experience onto me and my family, and by the end she was trying to engage in a lot of triangulating, trying to drive a wedge between me and my family members. She used to tell me how "sick and dishonest" my relationship with my mom was - this coming from someone who's got no relationship with her own mother now.

Did your exbf have a dysfunctional/abusive family history he might have tried to deflect on to you? If he's got narcissistic or borderline traits, odds are he had a parent or parents with them, and he's got his own daddy or mommy issues.

Btw - my wife has never been diagnosed, but after consulting with professionals, family, friends, this board, I'm pretty sure she's a high functioning borderline. She doesn't have quite the same grandiose attributes you describe in your exbf.

Not that I know of... His family were all really lovely it seemed. The only thing I noticed was that his parents weren't very close, they never spent much time together. Other than that, they seemed ok.

I noticed that my ex could never be alone. Even when I wasn't with him, he always went round to other family members' houses to sit. I know he's been involved with a lot of women and could never really be alone, I'm not sure if that's worth adding. When we first met he wanted to see me all the time, like everyday. He invited me into his parents house on the second date. From things he used to say, he had invited a lot of girls there in the past. Even on first dates. 

[Learning_curve74]

Sounds like he did a lot of things BPD people do. Even if he doesn't have BPD, he still is an abuser and total jerk.

Would it help to reframe your thoughts from "I was tossed aside by somebody I gave so much to" to "That loser jerk didn't realize I was better than he deserved"? Okay, maybe that's not being absolutely kind, but what if it was your best friend who got put through this relationship? What would you tell her? And so by extension... . 

[Lis2606]

Thanks yeah it does help! I had therapy for a while afterwards and that definitely helped me. I think some of my self esteem is still low which is why feeling like I was tossed aside and the thought of him dating still bothers me a little. It shouldn't though and I don't and it to.