no closure

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am new here, so please 'bare with' as I explain my situation.

Having done research online, my husband and I feel my middle Sil (my H has 3 elder sisters) displays significant signs of BPD. To the extent that I have ordered 'Stop walking on eggshells' (arrived today), found this forum, and am on the cusp of arranging to see a T with my H in order to help ourselves be free from the destructive behaviour that comes from my Sil.

Anyway, my Fil died 18 months ago and there has been a bit of a Hoo Haa about the Will. I have 3 Sils, all much older than my H. Basically my FiL felt that the estate he owned would be enough to cover all 4 kids plus my Mil but the sale of the property after his death proved otherwise. My H was made outright owner of the Farmhouse on the Estate, as a tax thing. However, my FiL always told my H that he was due the complete income from the sale of the farmhouse. (almost half of the total sale).

My eldest Sil didn't get any money from the will, being perfectly well provided for by her H who has a great job. The middle Sil got a good proportion, not being able to work (being mid fifites, having had Chronic Fatigue (ME) for 20 years and only being 'well' (from the CF or ME) for the past 4 or 5 years, but having other OCD issues that mean she can't work. But she is unable to receive state benefit, as the government have declared her 'fit to work'. Anyway, she has her own 3 bed home (Mortgage free) (a gift from an uncle) and a good amount of money for the foreseeable future.

The third Sil wasn't included in the will. Because at the time of the will (over 10years ago, sadly) she was married to a dangerous man who my FIL did not want to get any money. At all.

Anyway, just over a year ago, once the Estate had been sold, money divvied up, the SILs (except the eldest) and my MIL ganged up on my H and demanded an extra 100k. So... .he gave it. I neednt bore you with the details.

Then we went travelling - the time was right and we could afford to go - for 9 months.

We got back in June. Middle SIL was furious. She said she felt abandoned, betrayed, etc. As she felt that my H was thus telling her that it was up to her to look after my MIL who lives very near to SIL. MIL is in her 80s. MIL is very well and doesn't need looking after. SIL and MIL don't have a great relationship. But SIL felt she had no choice but to 'look after' MIL.

Anyway, since getting back, middle and youngest SILS have both asked my H for the rest of his inheritance, plus some (which we don't even HAVE!). For various reasons which would take far too long to explain. (youngest SIL needs to buy her own home, Mortgage free, of course... .asap... according to her... .)

We have felt bullied and uncomfortable. All these requests have been by email. So... we've chosen to be silent.

two weeks ago, middle SIL phoned my husband with all sorts of accusations, and rants, including towards me (eg - her projection that I will divorce my H if he hands over all the rest of his inheritance! Sorry but it made me laugh... .) We had to tell eldest SIL what was happening... .which resulted in... .

Finally eldest SIL sorted it. (the £ flow problem of other sils)

Basically then middle SIL a few days later wrote a rambling email stating 'I may have said x y z' (this is classic BPD, am I right?) and offering a fairly trite apology of sorts.

I am now fuming having found out that middle SIL has now gone AWOL (we were told by youngest SIL that she's in Ireland for up to three months) and that seems to be 'it', regarding these past 2 months of constant nagging and bullying etc for cash. Grrrrrr.

I (we) just dont have closure. Eldest SIL writes off youngest SIL's debts and everyone's hunky dory again. of course I am grateful for eldest SIL doing that, but it appears (to me - there may have been other conversations that I know nothing about) that no-one has learnt any lessons here.

Argh. I want to find a dartboard, cover it with her photo and throw darts at it. I need to find a bit of inner peace.

Any help out there?

[Travelling suse]

I am new here, so please 'bare with' as I explain my situation.

Having done research online, my husband and I feel my middle Sil (my H has 3 elder sisters) displays significant signs of BPD. To the extent that I have ordered 'Stop walking on eggshells' (arrived today), found this forum, and am on the cusp of arranging to see a T with my H in order to help ourselves be free from the destructive behaviour that comes from my Sil.

Anyway, my Fil died 18 months ago and there has been a bit of a Hoo Haa about the Will. I have 3 Sils, all much older than my H. Basically my FiL felt that the estate he owned would be enough to cover all 4 kids plus my Mil but the sale of the property after his death proved otherwise. My H was made outright owner of the Farmhouse on the Estate, as a tax thing. However, my FiL always told my H that he was due the complete income from the sale of the farmhouse. (almost half of the total sale).

My eldest Sil didn't get any money from the will, being perfectly well provided for by her H who has a great job. The middle Sil got a good proportion, not being able to work (being mid fifites, having had Chronic Fatigue (ME) for 20 years and only being 'well' (from the CF or ME) for the past 4 or 5 years, but having other OCD issues that mean she can't work. But she is unable to receive state benefit, as the government have declared her 'fit to work'. Anyway, she has her own 3 bed home (Mortgage free) (a gift from an uncle) and a good amount of money for the foreseeable future.

The third Sil wasn't included in the will. Because at the time of the will (over 10years ago, sadly) she was married to a dangerous man who my FIL did not want to get any money. At all.

Anyway, just over a year ago, once the Estate had been sold, money divvied up, the SILs (except the eldest) and my MIL ganged up on my H and demanded an extra 100k. So... .he gave it. I neednt bore you with the details.

Then we went travelling - the time was right and we could afford to go - for 9 months.

We got back in June. Middle SIL was furious. She said she felt abandoned, betrayed, etc. As she felt that my H was thus telling her that it was up to her to look after my MIL who lives very near to SIL. MIL is in her 80s. MIL is very well and doesn't need looking after. SIL and MIL don't have a great relationship. But SIL felt she had no choice but to 'look after' MIL.

Anyway, since getting back, middle and youngest SILS have both asked my H for the rest of his inheritance, plus some (which we don't even HAVE!). For various reasons which would take far too long to explain. (youngest SIL needs to buy her own home, Mortgage free, of course... .asap... according to her... .)

We have felt bullied and uncomfortable. All these requests have been by email. So... we've chosen to be silent.

two weeks ago, middle SIL phoned my husband with all sorts of accusations, and rants, including towards me (eg - her projection that I will divorce my H if he hands over all the rest of his inheritance! Sorry but it made me laugh... .) We had to tell eldest SIL what was happening... .which resulted in... .

Finally eldest SIL sorted it. (the £ flow problem of other sils)

Basically then middle SIL a few days later wrote a rambling email stating 'I may have said x y z' (this is classic BPD, am I right?) and offering a fairly trite apology of sorts.

I am now fuming having found out that middle SIL has now gone AWOL (we were told by youngest SIL that she's in Ireland for up to three months) and that seems to be 'it', regarding these past 2 months of constant nagging and bullying etc for cash. Grrrrrr.

I (we) just dont have closure. Eldest SIL writes off youngest SIL's debts and everyone's hunky dory again. of course I am grateful for eldest SIL doing that, but it appears (to me - there may have been other conversations that I know nothing about) that no-one has learnt any lessons here.

Argh. I want to find a dartboard, cover it with her photo and throw darts at it. I need to find a bit of inner peace.

Any help out there?

[Kwamina]

Hi again Travelling suse

Having done research online, my husband and I feel my middle Sil (my H has 3 elder sisters) displays significant signs of BPD. To the extent that I have ordered 'Stop walking on eggshells' (arrived today), found this forum, and am on the cusp of arranging to see a T with my H in order to help ourselves be free from the destructive behaviour that comes from my Sil.

Dealing with disordered family-members or in-laws can be quite challenging and really take its toll on you. That's why I'm glad you and your husband are able to support each other through all of this. When it comes to dealing with people with BPD, knowledge truly is power so I think it's very positive that you are educating yourself about this disorder

Having an extended support network in the form of a therapist is something many of our members have also found very valuable. What would you say are your SIL's most significant BPD traits?

You talk about her destructive behavior, was she always like that or was there a specific turning point?

Anyway, my Fil died 18 months ago and there has been a bit of a Hoo Haa about the Will.

I am sorry for your loss. What kind of relationship did you and your husband have with your Fil?

Considering all that has been going on with your husband's sisters and mother, do you feel like the two of you have been able to mourn your Fil's passing?

I have also responded to your other post and shared some resources there that I think you might find helpful.

Take care and I encourage you to keep posting and reading here