I ended things before they got worse

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So i just got out of a relationship that hit rocky roads at month 2 or so, closer to month 3. I just got out of it very recently at around month 5. Just before the break up, we had a vacation to go on for 4 short days where we were meeting her family for camping. Needless to say the vacation was a nightmare because of her moody, rude and disrespectful attitude towards me. Prior to going on the trip, the day before we left actually, she had told me she has borderline personality disorder and she made one attempt to seek treatment but dropped out early because she decided it wasn't for her (guess she was in a group setting). We had already broken up one time, I actually broke it off with her and told her she couldn't stay with me anymore because it simply wasn't working out about a month ago. After a week I found myself thinking about her quite a bit and figured i cared about her more then i knew I did. Reached out, decided to work on things. Obviously it didn't work. She took zero responsibility for her frequent outbursts of anger, the littlest thing would set her off. Would put knots in my stomach. She always blamed it on the fact that she didn't feel well, or it was her period, or whatever but it was never her fault although she admitted to me she was never happy and depressed and in between job and sick all the time (frequent migraines and a gluten allergy. Although I think there was some Merritt to her health conditions, I think she was a hypochondriac a bit because she would think little moles on her body could be cancerous) etc. I had a feeling she was lying to me towards the end and she started making elaborate excuses as to why she couldn't see me. Always very disrespectful. I was very accommodating, taking care of her when she felt ill, told her how beautiful she was, took care of the check all the time and paid for things since I have no problem I do well for myself. Sex was incredible. Was very chivalrous.


Couldn't figure out what the problem was. I had made it clear that since we both agreed she wasn't happy with herself and that brought about the beginning of the end of our relationship that she would get help at a therapist and seek medical help from specialists for her ailments as far as hr not feeling well all the time. Was very supportive and loving and told her as long as she put her best foot forward and met me half way that i would help her go through the changes she needed to make because i loved her. But she showed no effort and was constantly rude and moody and snappy and she didn't like the fact that I wasn't allowing her to manipulate me, at least not over the long term, because I have respect for myself and stood up for my own dignity and would fight back when I felt mis treated. But she would continually rope me back in with her seductive charm and gorgeous looks. Which i think for men, is a big part of the problem. Not having a healthy self image (which I do, I have healthy self esteem and self respect which i think she couldn't stand) and putting up with the bull please read               | when a girl is hot. Essential becoming a doormat. here started to be excuses for the lack of sex like a UTI (she would say she had a urinary tract infection, or when her period was coming her PMS was making her less affectionate to the point where just hugging and kissing was like pulling teeth... ridiculous... ). Once she realized she couldn't be my puppet master, i think that's when she started to withdrawal. She couldn't always get her way. And although I exhibited self respect and in tolerance for her behavior which would in turn cause most people to re-evaluate how they are treating you if they are normal and healthy, but i learned the hard way with BPD sufferers they just push people away.


She had a strained relationship with her family feeling alienated and mis understood by them (a hallmark of BPD sufferers according to my research), she swore her mother was a monster and some evil person when I saw nothing but a nice loving supportive lady that for example dropped what she was doing the day I had broken up with her the first time and helped her move her belongings out of my house, she was afraid that i would leave her again and even before I broke up with her the first time she was scared of being abandoned (another hallmark of BPD sufferers), she was extremely sensitive and would act i was doing something wrong and would snap on me and cause a full blown fight which provoked my temper (which takes alotttt... I have to really be pushed in order to get angry like that and lash back with hurtful words for example), and then she wouldn't take any responsibility. Making excuses for her behavior, attempting to manipulate me into thinking I needed to be more patient with her and I would never find a women that wasn't rude and disrespectful and moody which I think was a total crock, attempt at manipulating me into thinking I would be alone unless i put up with it. Bull please read               |! No excuse to be treating someone that way and expecting them to jeopardize their emotional and mental integrity! I don't buy it.


I was the classic cliche, nice guy that was being used. But i didn't allow her to think my kindness was a sign of weakness and got out while the getting was good. I feel bad for her and other BPD sufferers. I would love some insight on this type of situation and what I've talked about here. But more importantly, besides the positive reassurance from other victims of abusive relationships, I want to say to anyone still dealing with this, DO NOT! GET OUT! YOU CAN'T HELP SOMEONE LIKE THIS AND IT'S NOT YOUR JOB! I knew there was a big problem when I started second guessing my discretion and judgement because I was so emotionally wrapped up in this girl's beauty and seduction that I started throwing my own logic and reasoning abilities out the window. I was smart enough to stop it and not allow her to be an emotional vampire anymore. Do the same! Ignore their manipulation when trying to say things will be fine and apologize! I have no regrets as far as getting back together with her because I figured out the rabbit hole went alot deeper then I was willing to find out and I satisfied my curiosity as to why I was so intrigued by this girl and I would have never found out why I was beating my head against the wall trying to reason with an unreasonable person, she has this horrible disorder. Bingo! No wonder. So don't think you are crazy, and be confident enough to walk away. I am certain that I had a few other BPD girlfriends too, if not they at the very least conveyed some BPD attributes to me while dating them as well. Thanks for reading and sharing insight!

[Musician340]

So i just got out of a relationship that hit rocky roads at month 2 or so, closer to month 3. I just got out of it very recently at around month 5. Just before the break up, we had a vacation to go on for 4 short days where we were meeting her family for camping. Needless to say the vacation was a nightmare because of her moody, rude and disrespectful attitude towards me. Prior to going on the trip, the day before we left actually, she had told me she has borderline personality disorder and she made one attempt to seek treatment but dropped out early because she decided it wasn't for her (guess she was in a group setting). We had already broken up one time, I actually broke it off with her and told her she couldn't stay with me anymore because it simply wasn't working out about a month ago. After a week I found myself thinking about her quite a bit and figured i cared about her more then i knew I did. Reached out, decided to work on things. Obviously it didn't work. She took zero responsibility for her frequent outbursts of anger, the littlest thing would set her off. Would put knots in my stomach. She always blamed it on the fact that she didn't feel well, or it was her period, or whatever but it was never her fault although she admitted to me she was never happy and depressed and in between job and sick all the time (frequent migraines and a gluten allergy. Although I think there was some Merritt to her health conditions, I think she was a hypochondriac a bit because she would think little moles on her body could be cancerous) etc. I had a feeling she was lying to me towards the end and she started making elaborate excuses as to why she couldn't see me. Always very disrespectful. I was very accommodating, taking care of her when she felt ill, told her how beautiful she was, took care of the check all the time and paid for things since I have no problem I do well for myself. Sex was incredible. Was very chivalrous.


Couldn't figure out what the problem was. I had made it clear that since we both agreed she wasn't happy with herself and that brought about the beginning of the end of our relationship that she would get help at a therapist and seek medical help from specialists for her ailments as far as hr not feeling well all the time. Was very supportive and loving and told her as long as she put her best foot forward and met me half way that i would help her go through the changes she needed to make because i loved her. But she showed no effort and was constantly rude and moody and snappy and she didn't like the fact that I wasn't allowing her to manipulate me, at least not over the long term, because I have respect for myself and stood up for my own dignity and would fight back when I felt mis treated. But she would continually rope me back in with her seductive charm and gorgeous looks. Which i think for men, is a big part of the problem. Not having a healthy self image (which I do, I have healthy self esteem and self respect which i think she couldn't stand) and putting up with the bull please read               | when a girl is hot. Essential becoming a doormat. here started to be excuses for the lack of sex like a UTI (she would say she had a urinary tract infection, or when her period was coming her PMS was making her less affectionate to the point where just hugging and kissing was like pulling teeth... ridiculous... ). Once she realized she couldn't be my puppet master, i think that's when she started to withdrawal. She couldn't always get her way. And although I exhibited self respect and in tolerance for her behavior which would in turn cause most people to re-evaluate how they are treating you if they are normal and healthy, but i learned the hard way with BPD sufferers they just push people away.


She had a strained relationship with her family feeling alienated and mis understood by them (a hallmark of BPD sufferers according to my research), she swore her mother was a monster and some evil person when I saw nothing but a nice loving supportive lady that for example dropped what she was doing the day I had broken up with her the first time and helped her move her belongings out of my house, she was afraid that i would leave her again and even before I broke up with her the first time she was scared of being abandoned (another hallmark of BPD sufferers), she was extremely sensitive and would act i was doing something wrong and would snap on me and cause a full blown fight which provoked my temper (which takes alotttt... I have to really be pushed in order to get angry like that and lash back with hurtful words for example), and then she wouldn't take any responsibility. Making excuses for her behavior, attempting to manipulate me into thinking I needed to be more patient with her and I would never find a women that wasn't rude and disrespectful and moody which I think was a total crock, attempt at manipulating me into thinking I would be alone unless i put up with it. Bull please read               |! No excuse to be treating someone that way and expecting them to jeopardize their emotional and mental integrity! I don't buy it.


I was the classic cliche, nice guy that was being used. But i didn't allow her to think my kindness was a sign of weakness and got out while the getting was good. I feel bad for her and other BPD sufferers. I would love some insight on this type of situation and what I've talked about here. But more importantly, besides the positive reassurance from other victims of abusive relationships, I want to say to anyone still dealing with this, DO NOT! GET OUT! YOU CAN'T HELP SOMEONE LIKE THIS AND IT'S NOT YOUR JOB! I knew there was a big problem when I started second guessing my discretion and judgement because I was so emotionally wrapped up in this girl's beauty and seduction that I started throwing my own logic and reasoning abilities out the window. I was smart enough to stop it and not allow her to be an emotional vampire anymore. Do the same! Ignore their manipulation when trying to say things will be fine and apologize! I have no regrets as far as getting back together with her because I figured out the rabbit hole went alot deeper then I was willing to find out and I satisfied my curiosity as to why I was so intrigued by this girl and I would have never found out why I was beating my head against the wall trying to reason with an unreasonable person, she has this horrible disorder. Bingo! No wonder. So don't think you are crazy, and be confident enough to walk away. I am certain that I had a few other BPD girlfriends too, if not they at the very least conveyed some BPD attributes to me while dating them as well. Thanks for reading and sharing insight!

[Mutt]

Hi musician340,



I'm sorry you had to go through this. I understand how difficult that is when our ex partners are triggered with disproportionate anger and it can be confusing understanding what triggered the event.

I agree that our ex partners mental illness is not our problem. I understand your ex was diagnosed and in a group setting, that way it reduces BPD symptoms.  

I can see how it's confusing that your ex called her mother a monster and you saw a nice, supportive and loving person.

A person with BPD have dichotomous thinking; black or white thinking. Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that protects the person from anxiety and stress. A pwBPD have difficulties seeing people as an integrated whole ( grey areas ) and see a person as "all good" or "all bad". Her mother was split "all bad"

How are your family and friends for support? Can you share BPD with them and find that they understand or that they don't get it?

[cloudten]

Yay! You saw it early and responded! You didn't ignore red flags and you got out while you could. Sometimes we have to go back and eat cookies until we can't eat cookies anymore... .I am glad that you ate enough cookies!

Stay strong... .stay really strong. Don't be afraid to get outside help. My therapist has helped me so much... .and I will have her for a while. If you are noticing a pattern with other ex girlfriends possibly showing BPD symptoms as well, it might not be a bad idea to go to therapy and figure out why you either ignore red flags in the beginning or choose poorly. I think its a worthwhile investment into your future relationship by investing some time on yourself. It can't hurt.

Also- don't be surprised if/when you have setbacks. it happens. but the board is always here. I have good days and bad days... .and sometimes it leads me into bad decisions about contacting him. Don't be too hard on yourself if you slip up. We are human.

Welcome! I'm sorry you had an experience that brought you are here- but I am glad you found us!

[Musician340]

Yay! You saw it early and responded! You didn't ignore red flags and you got out while you could. Sometimes we have to go back and eat cookies until we can't eat cookies anymore... .I am glad that you ate enough cookies!

Stay strong... .stay really strong. Don't be afraid to get outside help. My therapist has helped me so much... .and I will have her for a while. If you are noticing a pattern with other ex girlfriends possibly showing BPD symptoms as well, it might not be a bad idea to go to therapy and figure out why you either ignore red flags in the beginning or choose poorly. I think its a worthwhile investment into your future relationship by investing some time on yourself. It can't hurt.

Also- don't be surprised if/when you have setbacks. it happens. but the board is always here. I have good days and bad days... .and sometimes it leads me into bad decisions about contacting him. Don't be too hard on yourself if you slip up. We are human.

Welcome! I'm sorry you had an experience that brought you are here- but I am glad you found us!

Thanks for the kind words I appreciate it! And yes it's been a tough road we have only been broken up for a week but I hope she doesn't try and contact me because I know she's bad for me and I'm still weak because of how beautiful and seductive she was. Not to make anyone feel uncomfortable on here but the sex was amazing too and I've had my share of intimacy with women and she was incredible. Makes it incredibly difficult to have the proper amount of self esteem and discipline to walk away front that too. I know it sounds shallow but it's true. It was just part of a deep emotional connection I had with this person. Amazing how someone that was only in your life for a short period of time can have such a profound impact on you.

And therapy might not be a bad idea. I've actually been considering it. What a pain this has been! Very disheartening. Talks of the future, kids and marriage etc. Then it all crashes and burns because of her tendency to push everyone away that gets too close. I established this pattern. For some reason I still have very strong feelings with her. The thought of her with someone else is still very hard to stomach. I've been trying to stay busy and put her further down in my memory library of you will. Just a very tough experience and it's all pretty dissappointing when you had such great times but the reality is it would never work because of her lack of willingness to get help for her disorder. Its really a waste of What could've been a great relationship. Just know that all of the tactics to get me to stay with her was just a bunch of manipulative, what I think we're subconcious, tactics so that she could continue to keep me in her back pocket.

[cloudten]

I can certainly understand the death of your dreams and plans is incredibly painful! You are not crazy for being upset and sad.

I understand the sexual aspect, and I feel that there are many many people on here who had the same experience. Honestly, mine was the best I ever had, though I don't have many to compare to. But it was mind blowing. I think it isn't emotional for them though like it is for us NONs. I am right with you in mourning the loss of the sexual intimacy. I can only hope that when I find someone who truly loves me and treats me with kindness and love, that THAT sexual intimacy will be even better.

I think the fact is, without proper treatment (and even with proper treatment), it is HIGHLY unlikely that she will ever be able to give someone else more than what she gave you.  It's sad, but she isn't going to change. She isn't going to learn- not without some big lightbulb moment and years and years of intensive therapy.  They have to recognize their problem and want to change. So, as much as it is a knife twisted in your heart to think of her with someone else, just know that she isn't capable of giving him the relationship she should have given you.

She will still try to continue to keep you in her back pocket if you let her.

I think the thing that has helped me the most this time is that I finally decided I do not love him, at all, on any level what-so-ever. There is nothing there that would make me come running back. I do not love him.  I told one of my girlfriends this the other day, and she didn't believe me. But I firmly feel in my heart that there is zero love. It has been rather freeing!  When he left the house and said "i am going home to blow my brains out"... .I realized that I actually hoped he would succeed... .that was mind opening!

It sounds like you have a lot of self-care to do to help find you again!

[Musician340]

I can certainly understand the death of your dreams and plans is incredibly painful! You are not crazy for being upset and sad.

I understand the sexual aspect, and I feel that there are many many people on here who had the same experience. Honestly, mine was the best I ever had, though I don't have many to compare to. But it was mind blowing. I think it isn't emotional for them though like it is for us NONs. I am right with you in mourning the loss of the sexual intimacy. I can only hope that when I find someone who truly loves me and treats me with kindness and love, that THAT sexual intimacy will be even better.

I think the fact is, without proper treatment (and even with proper treatment), it is HIGHLY unlikely that she will ever be able to give someone else more than what she gave you.  It's sad, but she isn't going to change. She isn't going to learn- not without some big lightbulb moment and years and years of intensive therapy.  They have to recognize their problem and want to change. So, as much as it is a knife twisted in your heart to think of her with someone else, just know that she isn't capable of giving him the relationship she should have given you.

She will still try to continue to keep you in her back pocket if you let her.

I think the thing that has helped me the most this time is that I finally decided I do not love him, at all, on any level what-so-ever. There is nothing there that would make me come running back. I do not love him.  I told one of my girlfriends this the other day, and she didn't believe me. But I firmly feel in my heart that there is zero love. It has been rather freeing!  When he left the house and said "i am going home to blow my brains out"... .I realized that I actually hoped he would succeed... .that was mind opening!

It sounds like you have a lot of self-care to do to help find you again!

Thank you for the reassurance and sorry to hear of your own personal experience with a BPD partner also. Nice to know there are others out there that have had similar encounters and to be able to lean on one another.

I seem to have a healthy amount of self respect and a good self image, evident due to the fact that I didn't tolerate the abuse for a sustained period of time, where many people would go on for years and experience a significant amount more pain and anguish. So I have to relish in that. She did start to succeed at getting into my head a bit though. Constantly twisting things around and blaming me for her issues. For example, she would freak out because of a dillusion that I disrespected her, or something bothered her that I said (and I would say to myself what in the he'll is she so worked up about, the quintisential jeckyll and Hyde facet of BPD sufferer's personalities) and she would cause me to lose my patience and I'd yell and defend myself and tell her I wouldn't put up with it. Then she would say, "you have a temper problem. You are crazy." when I don't and I was provoked after sometimes hours of wearing my patience thin. It is so hard to be emotionally invested with someone like this because they can't be reasoned with, you know they are the problem and not you, but you throw away your objectivity and ability to think logically and say no, she is crazy and manipulative... RUN LIKE HELL!.

ITS incredible to me how they can weasel their way into your self concious like this and jeopardize your emtional and mental integrity through their seduction. Its totally evil! Anyone else relate to this?