330 am message

[married21years]

I got a message at 330 am saying she is really pissed at me.

it turns out she was seen at a dance with a guy and now everyone thinks they are together.

well that is not my fault and what i told her.

i was not taking the abuse and stood up for myself.

i was not to blame and we sorted it and other issues.

i did use this time of contact to explain her intimacy issues and that she needs to address that before we can move on.

i pointed out we can have a future and make it work if she wants and that is when she wanted to end the conversation.

i stayed calm but i was not allowing her to abuse me and i explained i was a doormat no more and i would stand up for myself.

i acknowledged my blame in enabling her to use me and that was it.

strange evening

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ptilda]

Good morning! Haha.

I'm curious about your tactics. I'm not yet brave enough to call H to the mat on his issues. Is this something that has been working for you? I'm testing the water a bit at a time because he tends to get escalated from any implication that he is not 100% innocent and I 100% to blame. Despite mixed reviews here, telling him briefly "I am unwilling to accept more than half the blame or responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage or for fixing it," seems to be working. I simply refuse to respond to his asking me to tell him what he is responsible for, because it's not relevant.

Have you said before that you thought you could fix the problems? Has she responded to that in the past?

I have implemented a strict "no calls" rule. Because of how heated our voice-to-voice and face-to-face conversations got, it's not worth it. And texts and Facebook IM give me time to think and decide how to respond and it helps to establish that I'm not on call. I'd like to call him at some point, and probably will soon, although I'll make it a very quick call. Just to connect. Or I might leave that to him.

But I would certainly consider making late night calls a boundary area. It's unfair to you.

Good work on staying strong!

[married21years]

ok the key is

1 stay strong

2 stay calm

3 stay on message

4 keep them regulated

5 make a point and dont try to hammer it home

6 realize their tactics.

7 blame is their ally

8 there problems are theirs to fix and there fault not your.

9 accept responsibility for your issues.

good luck

PS i am actually hard as nails except with her and she knows it!

[ptilda]

ok the key is

1 stay strong

2 stay calm

3 stay on message

4 keep them regulated

5 make a point and dont try to hammer it home

6 realize their tactics.

7 blame is their ally

8 there problems are theirs to fix and there fault not your.

9 accept responsibility for your issues.

good luck

PS i am actually hard as nails except with her and she knows it!

Nice.

As I said in another post, a delicate dance!

It's that balance between 4 and 5 that is my concern.

[married21years]

yeah that is why talking is better than messaging 

[ptilda]

yeah that is why talking is better than messaging  

Not in my case. 4 months I tried to have a conversation and it was met by him screaming or him walking away or flipping me off or cussing me out or making a phone call. I quickly gave up and then it was him berating me and accusing me and making stupid demands. He would ask a question and when I didn't immediately answer how he wanted he reacted in one of the above ways. So I said no more. Messages give me control. I KNOW he'll read it eventually. And sending on Facebook tells me WHEN he looks at it so I can keep track and it drives him nuts but he can't not look . . . haha

We'll get back there, but up to this point talking has been an impossibility.

[married21years]

you need boundaries, and to validate

once they realize that behavior dosnt effect you it stops!

 

[ptilda]

you need boundaries, and to validate

once they realize that behavior dosnt effect you it stops!

 

Exactly. That's what I did when I stopped answering his phone calls. Boundaries. The abuse stopped shortly after.

[babyducks]

ok the key is

1 stay strong

2 stay calm

3 stay on message

4 keep them regulated

5 make a point and dont try to hammer it home

6 realize their tactics.

7 blame is their ally

8 there problems are theirs to fix and there fault not your.

9 accept responsibility for your issues.

good luck

PS i am actually hard as nails except with her and she knows it!

Nice.

As I said in another post, a delicate dance!

It's that balance between 4 and 5 that is my concern.

hi ptilda

I've posted on another one of your threads but I believe the idea you are grappling with now is how to deal with a circular argument and JADE.

You've picked your boundary, and in my opinion it's a good one; you'll be 50% responsible for things that occurred in the early days of your marriage.   

Now it's boundary enforcement time.   You don't have to tell him you are enforcing a boundary because your actions will convey more than words can.

When blame shifting comes up, curtail or end the conversation, don't JADE, don't hammer on it like married21 says,  validate the valid and move on.

Does that make sense?   Can you see a place where that might work in your current situation?

'ducks

[Sunfl0wer]

4 keep them regulated

What do you mean by this?

[married21years]

4 keep them regulated

What do you mean by this?

dont push too hard or they will get dysregulated and overwhelmed, be patient

[ptilda]

ok the key is

1 stay strong

2 stay calm

3 stay on message

4 keep them regulated

5 make a point and dont try to hammer it home

6 realize their tactics.

7 blame is their ally

8 there problems are theirs to fix and there fault not your.

9 accept responsibility for your issues.

good luck

PS i am actually hard as nails except with her and she knows it!

Nice.

As I said in another post, a delicate dance!

It's that balance between 4 and 5 that is my concern.

hi ptilda

I've posted on another one of your threads but I believe the idea you are grappling with now is how to deal with a circular argument and JADE.

You've picked your boundary, and in my opinion it's a good one; you'll be 50% responsible for things that occurred in the early days of your marriage.   

Now it's boundary enforcement time.   You don't have to tell him you are enforcing a boundary because your actions will convey more than words can.

When blame shifting comes up, curtail or end the conversation, don't JADE, don't hammer on it like married21 says,  validate the valid and move on.

Does that make sense?   Can you see a place where that might work in your current situation?

'ducks

Just posted another post about how I screwed this up pretty bad. it's so much easier said than done . . . And I get no time to practice! One  face-to-face conversation in about 4 months, and I mess it up. Everyone else is tired of hearing about it, so there's really no one to practice with. This is a skill set in which I lack greatly!

[married21years]

ok the key is

1 stay strong

2 stay calm

3 stay on message

4 keep them regulated

5 make a point and dont try to hammer it home

6 realize their tactics.

7 blame is their ally

8 there problems are theirs to fix and there fault not your.

9 accept responsibility for your issues.

good luck

PS i am actually hard as nails except with her and she knows it!

Nice.

As I said in another post, a delicate dance!

It's that balance between 4 and 5 that is my concern.

hi ptilda

I've posted on another one of your threads but I believe the idea you are grappling with now is how to deal with a circular argument and JADE.

You've picked your boundary, and in my opinion it's a good one; you'll be 50% responsible for things that occurred in the early days of your marriage.   

Now it's boundary enforcement time.   You don't have to tell him you are enforcing a boundary because your actions will convey more than words can.

When blame shifting comes up, curtail or end the conversation, don't JADE, don't hammer on it like married21 says,  validate the valid and move on.

Does that make sense?   Can you see a place where that might work in your current situation?

'ducks

Just posted another post about how I screwed this up pretty bad. it's so much easier said than done . . . And I get no time to practice! One  face-to-face conversation in about 4 months, and I mess it up. Everyone else is tired of hearing about it, so there's really no one to practice with. This is a skill set in which I lack greatly!

the key is stay calm and centered

[ptilda]

Well apparently I didn't mess up too much. He's painting me bright white. You never know!

[waverider]

Well apparently I didn't mess up too much. He's painting me bright white. You never know!

The reaction of the moment is not always the lasting reaction. Hence the recommendation about not over explaining or trying to sell your reality. The more words the more to twist.

Think surgical strike. Stick to critical issues, pick your moment, state precisely what you mean and get out before you get caught up in the fall out.

Short simple message, they blow up, but you don't give them more fuel to add to the dysregulation, it blows over and when they think back on what was said there is less to reconstruct with.

They understand simple blunt talk, even if it triggers them (but then doesn't everything)

[ptilda]

So annoying! Haha