He keeps suggesting a break...

[turbo squash]

Plus, I have real fear of riding. I mean, of getting creamed by a car actually.

Cloudy Days and FF have hit the nail on the head. I won't repeat what they said.

I will address your concerns about the dangers of riding a motorcycle. I wrote a paper on motorcycle safety and the things I found would shock most people. More than 90% of people that are injured on a motorcycle have never had any kind of professional motorcycle training.

Professional motorcycle training sounds like an expensive option, but it isn't as bad as you might think.

www.msf-usa.org/

This link is for an organization called "Motorcycle Safety Foundation".

A weekend course, (Friday night, all day Saturday, all day Sunday), is less than $300. By far, the most important thing that they teach you how to do is how to brake in emergencies and swerve in emergencies. An incredible number of motorcyclists do not know how to handle their own motorcycle. They are scared of using the front brake even though the front brake offers about 70% of the stopping power that a motorcycle has.

I'm not trying to overwhelm you, I am just trying to tell you that if you approach motorcycles the correct way, they are not nearly as dangerous as they are made out to be. One of the major reasons why motorcycles are perceived as being so dangerous is the availability of brutally fast motorcycles to the novice rider. $12,000 can get you a brand new motorcycle that is literally a race bike with lights... .but in the US, if you're 16, you can legally ride the latest and greatest racing bike on the road. Would you ever tell a new driver that a brand new corvette prepped for racing would be a good idea for a first car? Of course not, but that isn't a problem because very fast cars are too expensive for young people to own.

However, very fast motorcycles are accessible to inexperienced motorcyclists and so a lot of people get in over their heads and, unsurprisingly, get hurt.

How large is the motorcycle that you have available to you? Having a motorcycle that is too large can be a major blow to a beginner's confidence.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, the initial deal was HIM getting a bike, and me trying it. He got his bike, he rides every day, and I did take the lessons, but am hesitant to ride. I kept the deal, but he isn't liking that I have a nice bike I don't ride. This is one of those times I'm just going to have to set a boundary around me, and what I do, and he's going to have to live with it? I get to decide what I do, and he gets to feel about it however he chooses to.

I always allow him to have his feelings, in fact I spend a lot of time validating what he feels, even when he knows I don't technically agree. I find something to validate. He however tells me my feelings are wrong, and that they are stupid, or he used to tell me he doesn't care about my feelings. That's fine, I still have them!

I took two pretty extensive classes for motorcycle training, but still need more training. My BPDh actually let me pick out both bikes, which was pretty amazing and shocking. He got a 2002 Harley V Rod, all chrome. I'm not a Harley fan, but loved the bike. I got a really mint, 2003 Honda Shadow Ace 750. I'm tall at 5'8", and pretty strong. Really, my biggest fear is cars. From what I understand it's usually not the cyclists fault, it's the car that doesn't see them... .

[turbo squash]

I got a really mint, 2003 Honda Shadow Ace 750. I'm tall at 5'8", and pretty strong. Really, my biggest fear is cars. From what I understand it's usually not the cyclists fault, it's the car that doesn't see them... .

That Shadow is a great first bike for someone that is as tall as you are. I have been riding motorcycles for over 11 years now and have found that the more skills I develop, the less I fear people in cars. I have read 10+ books about motorcycle riding techniques and motorcycle safety and I have taken motorcycle safety courses. All of that has contributed towards me realizing how much I could do to prevent an accident.

One thing that might help is what my dad made me do when I started riding streetbikes. He made me get up early in the morning and ride. I had to ride between the hours of 4 AM and 6 AM. I could only ride on the mornings of Monday-Friday. Early Saturday morning and early Sunday morning was not allowed. I had to ride 40 hours within those parameters that he gave me before I was allowed to ride during normal hours.

While I moaned and groaned about it at the time, I realize now that it was a fantastic thing for me to do. I got much more comfortable on the bike and I got to do it in an environment that was virtually free from other drivers. I mostly stayed on neighborhood roads and it was rare for me to ever see a single other car. Maybe something like that would help you? If you get up early to do it, he might not even realize that you are riding.

[Cloudy Days]

I always allow him to have his feelings, in fact I spend a lot of time validating what he feels, even when he knows I don't technically agree. I find something to validate. He however tells me my feelings are wrong, and that they are stupid, or he used to tell me he doesn't care about my feelings. That's fine, I still have them!

To people with BPD, feelings=facts. So you having a different feeling about something makes him think you are wrong. Because in his world, his feelings are true and anything that doesn't agree with his feelings are going to be wrong to him. They don't have to be true in your world though, you are allowed to feel however you want to feel, just don't expect him to validate how you feel. I have gotten Validation from my husband maybe twice. He's much better at invalidation and telling me that I am wrong. When my Grandmother died, I was crying and he came to me and said, I've been through worse than that, get over it. I was horrified at what he had said, someone that loves you shouldn't say something so heartless. Hadn't even buried her yet and I was told to get over it. Feelings aren't something you allow someone to have, they just exist, they happen, they are feelings. That's why you are able to have your feelings, and they don't have to match your husband's feelings.

[formflier]

  He however tells me my feelings are wrong, and that they are stupid, or he used to tell me he doesn't care about my feelings. That's fine, I still have them!

That's why you are able to have your feelings, and they don't have to match your husband's feelings. [/quote]
This would be a great place to set a boundary... .anyone want to try it out... .

Hint:   It has to do with ears... .

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

What I meant by "allow" is that of course he has feelings, and I don't invalidate his feelings or give him grief if his feelings don't match mine. And yes, I've known for a long time that his feelings are the same to him as reality. I know my feelings many be based on reality, or maybe not. In a way, that is what phobias are. It's a feeling, but it doesn't mean you are going to die of a spider bite, or from falling. I've noticed I tend to question my feelings more now than I ever did, just because of this environment.

Turbo Squash: I did a lot of research before choosing my Honda Shadow. My folks question the size for me, and don't want me riding. My Dad never rode, but has a barn full of old motorcycles and mopeds, and of course cars. He has an old 1950's or so Indian that my Mom and I found him at a garage sale in 1985. We surprised him with it.

If I get brave enough, I'll take more courses, attempt to pass the test, and maybe take your suggestion. I'm sure I could sneak out, and he'd be none the wiser. In a way though, I might feel better going with him and taking short rides.

Formflier: I have no idea what you are referring to with the ear thing.

[formflier]

Formflier: I have no idea what you are referring to with the ear thing.

What do you do with your ears... .when you are tired of your hubby's opinions?


FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I keep listening, because I find it rude and invalidating not to. I certainly don't tune out. I'm not sure what else I can do. I can't say I really get tired of his opinions per se. I mean, he can have them, but it doesn't mean he gets to force them on me.

Are you suggesting tuning him out? I'm still confused.

[formflier]

Are you suggesting tuning him out? I'm still confused.

Even better... .

You control you ears... he controls his mouth...

If you don't like what is coming out of his mouth... .

Take you ears somewhere else... .

He is not responsible for you liking what enters your ears.

If it is unpleasant... .you control what your ears listen to... .

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

I can do that. In fact, I've been doing that more often, just probably not consistently enough. And when I do that, don't I have to make some excuse for just walking away? I hate being ignored, and don't want to do that to him, so shouldn't I give him some reason to be busy elsewhere like, "oh crap, I forgot about that load in the drying"... .or something.

Or, is it better that he knows I'm just walking away because I find what he's saying abusive or discounting? Should I then say "we can further discuss this when you can be respectful". I'm pretty sure that would set him off.

[Cloudy Days]

From experience my husband gets royally angry if I just walk off and not say anything as to why I am walking off. Depending on the situation, you can either say things are getting too heated, I need to take a break from this conversation. Or you can make up an excuse and say I have to go do such and such, can we finish this conversation in a little while when things have calmed down. Don't specifically say, "when you calm down". It's just a bad choice of words for someone with BPD.

[formflier]

 

First:  It is commendable that you consider your hubby's feelings... .but when that is done consistently more than yours... .

not good

More later.

FF