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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Can I approach exgf?  (Read 928 times)
Arkansasnon

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: August 16, 2015, 11:50:43 AM »

Hello-

I need thoughts.  I broke up with a girl I thought had BPD traits nearly 3 years ago, after we went out for 3 years.  She has a heart of gold, and some definite traits of BPD.  It took nearly a year to break up.  One year after I left her, I realized how God awful I missed her. 

After 6 months of counselling I reached out to her in a note.  She immediately wrote back a two sentence note and said she wasn’t interested.  I tried a few times over the next 9 months to reach out and say I was sorry, and express myself.  She sent one letter back unopened.  It was the biggest mistake of my life to let her go.  She sent one neutral email the first month with some materials we worked on while we went out.  After that email she went no contact.  In my last email – I said I would drive right outside of her city and be at a golf course for a couple of hours and hoped she would stop by for me to apologize.  She emailed back almost immediately and said she was not interested in any more contact.

I keep going back to our patterns when we were dating – she would always come around and then say she was sorry for being so stubborn – and then communicate.  I broke up with her – I own it.  My scenario is odd…in that I’m getting no closure years later – and I precipitated it.  But I did the counseling and found my own deep seated problems that contributed to our issues.  I had always wanted her to change – but in the end, I changed.  I am so sorry and still love her so much.  We maybe raised our voices at each other once or twice in 3 years.  I don’t know what to do.  After 8 months of no contact from her at her request, I still want her back, and am convinced I have changed enough to be with her.  Yes, the relationship followed a mild BPD pattern, but she never raged.  Her heart is gold.  I’m in counseling, and the counselor says move on.  I would give my job, money, house – everything.  I pray almost all day – and I’m suffering.  So yes, I am shopping for ideas - thoughts.  My friends won’t listen and don’t understand.  I’m not sure if I understand.  Will she come back?  I’m respecting her request, but is there a way to approach her?  I would wait 5 years.  How would I even begin to get closure?

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HappyNihilist
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2015, 12:37:19 PM »

  Hello there, Arkansasnon, and welcome to bpdfamily. I'm glad you found us. It helps to talk. Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm sorry you're suffering over your exgf. It's painful to end a relationship with someone we love. You want to reach out to her because you love and miss her.

You seem to be hoping for a reconciliation in the future. However, she has expressed no interest in contact, even after 3 years. What if it's possible that she will never want to reconcile or even talk? If that were the case, where would you go from there?

It was the biggest mistake of my life to let her go. 

You say that you didn't fight and she didn't rage, and that it took a year to break up. Could you share a little more about the relationship itself and why you left?

It's good that you're in counseling and taking care of yourself.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Self-care is vital, as is a good support system. Keep posting here - you'll find many people who understand.
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GreenGrover

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 28


« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2015, 12:59:16 PM »

I'm with HappyNihilist.  If you're willing to share, I'd also like to know a bit more about the relationship and why you left. 

You said that you've changed in the past three years.  Is it possible that maybe she has also changed, and that going back in time and re-visiting a past relationship might not be where her mind is?  If that's the case, how would that make you feel?  Do you think the changed you could get closure from a changed her? 

Often, we have to give ourselves closure.  I know that can be a hard thing to do, especially when we had strong feelings for the person. 
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Arkansasnon

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2015, 01:46:31 PM »

Thanks for the posts.  I guess I’m still wanting to fight for her.  I just sense there is something there. 

The relationship began with the common idealization of BPD.  But we loved each other very much.  I was put on a pedestal at first.  She accepted me 100%.  She pushed me to find out my own strengths…because she had so much confidence in me.   There was a big push and pull - up and down throughout, and she had physical ailments – headaches and stomach issues most of the time.  She denied the physical ailments.  She beat herself up with guilt.  She would get depressed.  We lived in different states, and she quit coming to see me – saying it wore her out, but I could come see her.  She would cry for days or weeks over animals and plants dying.  Finally after 2 years she was going to get help.  She went to a psychologist who diagnosed her with mild bipolar.  She really began trying to whip it – who cares about a name.  Then she went to a psychiatrist a month later who said it was mild depression.  After the conflicting diagnoses, she got so confused as to what it was that she quit.  I sense that her parents were angry at me because they held me responsible for her doing this.  I never asked her to see anyone.  Never.  She went on a few months later and got diagnosed with fibromyalgia  - as she said - so she could tell people at work and they may go easier on her.  She started taking meds for a bit, and got so much better.  Then she quit. 

Me – I had issues regarding my own fears, and kept looking for her to address her own problems.  I went to a counselor and friends during the relationship– saying – this isn’t normal is it?  I could have a PhD in BPD from reading message boards etc.  But, I was going to these people like I was seeking approval from a jury – like I was right and she was wrong, and therefore she should change.  After a long time in counseling myself, I realized how freaking wrong I was and that I could have accepted her and let her be.  So, yes – I take responsibility.  I guess it was such a deep connection, I am left confused by no contact.  I just don’t understand it.  She swore she would never shut me out…but I know words aren’t always what to look for.  So, I guess I’m on here wanting to fight, if there is a fight, for her.  I’m left having a daily dialogue in my own head – and beating the stew out of myself – for letting her go.  So I’m on here for honest thoughts of people who have dealt with people with similar traits.  Can I try to reach out in 6 more months…a year?  Saying I can get my own closure – I just don’t know how.  I don’t know how to even begin when I don’t want it.  Does any of this make sense?  I just want to say I'm sorry as heck and I love her still, and see if there is something there.  Thank you for your thoughts.  Arkansasnon 

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lm911
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Posts: 189


« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2015, 03:07:30 PM »

There is no closure, you can try as much as you can, but will not succeed. Whatever you do, you just can't win againt a damaged brain.
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Learning_curve74
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1333



« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2015, 12:03:14 AM »

Hi Arkansasnon, sorry to hear you are still in such conflict even three years after breaking up. You're not alone, many people end up ruminating about past relationships for quite a while.

I hear you're willing to work and fight to make the relationship work if given the chance. I was the same myself, willing to do whatever I thought was needed to make my relationship work with my exBPDgf.

What happens if the scenario GreenClover outlined occurs, i.e. you reach out to her and she is not interested in a relationship? What happens then? Also, what happens if you get together and the both of you end up having the same relationship problems as you did years ago?

You are allowed to reach out to her whenever you want. However, you have to be ready to receive a response different from the one you desire. If you do get back together, what will be different that will cause there to be a different outcome? It takes TWO people working together for ANY relationship to work in a healthy manner, right?

I will tell you that i broke up with my exBPDgf and got back together with her months later. We made it work for a while and it was different than the first time. I changed a lot, and she was different too. We still ended up breaking up a second time. It's not easy, and one person cannot do all the work in a healthy two person relationship. I wish you the best. 
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Suspicious1
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: On/off at any point in the cycle of dating, living together, engaged and 'silent treatment'
Posts: 298



« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2015, 08:23:56 AM »

She emailed back almost immediately and said she was not interested in any more contact.

I have to say, I think this is your answer. It seems to me that you've made several attempts to connect, and she's been very clear about the fact that she doesn't want you to continue. She's asked you to stop.

In many ways I am in the same boat, except I'm 15 months out of the relationship, not three years. Many times I regret having ended things and walked away. I've regretted it so much I've made myself ill from the grief of it. In the early days I did reach out, several times, and got a clear rejection. True, he just ignored my attempts to communicate rather telling me outright to go away, but to me "no response" IS a response, and it's as clear as him telling me he's not interested.

I still want to reach out. At times he posts things on social media that lead me to believe he wants me to do it, as they seem to be directed at me. But one of my fears is that, if I do reach out, he will tell me to stop. As soon as that happens then I HAVE to stop. I have to respect that request. I may regret my decision at times, but I made that decision. I walked away, I forced him to endure the consequences of that and to get over the relationship against his wishes, and it would not be fair of me to keep knocking on his door and reminding him of it all, simply because I decided I wanted him back. I might want him back BADLY, but I'm not entitled to him, and however much I want him it doesn't mean he wants me. Not at all. I'm sure he's moved on and is happy.

The last email I sent him, two months after our split, spelled this out. I said that, in time, my hope was that after we'd travelled enough on our own paths, we'd perhaps meet up again. I said that the door would always be open for him. I created this issue through leaving, and having told him the door is always open, it's now his choice whether to initiate contact or not. I can't keep popping up, ignoring his wishes to get on with his life, so I'm writing letters weekly and then binning them.

It's harsh, it hurts, I want to reach out to hope we can give things another chance with a clean slate this time. I feel like contact would soothe some of the pain I feel. But if he doesn't want me to make contact, I have no right at all to reach out. Fighting for someone can quickly become harassment, and I just can't cross that line.
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sas1729
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 117


« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2015, 09:03:34 AM »

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that you're still suffering three years out

As others have said, if you ex made it clear years ago that she is not interested, then I think you have to take it at face value. It's sad, I know, to think that someone with whom you've shared experiences suddenly doesn't want to continue to be in touch. I honestly don't think I have the best advice, but sometimes just talking about stuff helps.

It sounds trite, but maybe you can think outside the box. Why after three years do you want to go back? I know you got advice to just "move on". It is sensible advice, but hard to put into practice if the emotions are not ready. And I don't think we can be emotionally ready before we have achieved some sort of closure. The difficult part is that closure is rare in relationships such as these. As someone else said, closure is impossible. I don't know if I agree completely with that. Sure, closure from your ex is probably impossible, but I think you can still find closure if you look carefully for it.

Remember all the bad times too. Remember why you decided to end it. You made a difficult decision that protected who you are. You stood up for yourself back then. I think that is the closure we can get. I know that's how I got closure - I remembered why I stood up for myself and ended it.

If you can accept that, then the emotions can heal. It's still raw because it's not "really" over for you. But the fact is that it is over, and the decision you made was the right one for yourself. You have a lot to offer and should be proud of yourself. Then, the emotions can heal.
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