What traits will you look for in next partner?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have come across this question several times in my reading. 

I want to credit heeltoheal for mentioning that we attract to ourselves what we are looking for. 

So the question is, what are you looking for and what of those traits did your pwBPD not posses that are on your list. 

Here is mine: (red for those that I was missing with recent partner)

•   Loving (yes, but with an inability to be so when it came to herself and when feeling threatened)

•   Spiritually centered

•   Healthy: emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  mixed bag.  In some ways very much and in others very much not.

•      Insightful

•   Caring

•   Intelligent

•    Fun

•   Likes the outdoors

•   A degree of being cultured; dining, arts, travel, interest in things other than locally.

•   Free

•   Silly - light hearted

[joeramabeme]

I have come across this question several times in my reading. 

I want to credit heeltoheal for mentioning that we attract to ourselves what we are looking for. 

So the question is, what are you looking for and what of those traits did your pwBPD not posses that are on your list. 

Here is mine: (red for those that I was missing with recent partner)

•   Loving (yes, but with an inability to be so when it came to herself and when feeling threatened)

•   Spiritually centered

•   Healthy: emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  mixed bag.  In some ways very much and in others very much not.

•      Insightful

•   Caring

•   Intelligent

•    Fun

•   Likes the outdoors

•   A degree of being cultured; dining, arts, travel, interest in things other than locally.

•   Free

•   Silly - light hearted

[workinprogress]

I'm still with my wife, but if it doesn't work out... .this is what I would need in a woman... .

1.  patience

2.  loving

3.  kind

4.  self-restraint

5.  be of good character

6.  FORGIVING

7.  Enjoy going away for little romantic trips.

8.  Respect and appreciation

[fromheeltoheal]

The right woman for me has a secure or anxious attachment style, not an avoidant one, and is caring, kind, capable of and willing to connect emotionally, and has a few interests common with me.  Beyond that it's chemistry, it's either there or it isn't.

I want to credit heeltoheal for mentioning that we attract to ourselves what we are looking for.

Thanks joe, and to expand, we attract it by focusing on what we want and need, so we notice it when it shows up, as well as being someone that person would be attracted to.  That doesn't mean try and be someone we're not, it means get our priorities straight, our expectations cultivated and our lives managed so there's a welcoming space for her in it when she shows up.

[valet]

Someone that I respect for who they are, instead of who I perceive them to to be.

Basically, someone that I have good chemistry and similar interests with.

Hopefully, the things that I have learned in the last few months will allow myself to keep a distance from unhealthy people.

[Dr56]

I'd like to meet:

- someone with the emotional maturity to understand that long-term, committed relationships naturally involve a degree of disappointment and frustration, that partners can inadvertantly hurt one another, and that neither partner is to blame for this

- someone capable of accepting responsibility for their own emotions, and their reactions to those emotions

- a woman who is genuinely confident and independent, but comfortable showing vulnerability, and who does not like to be portrayed as a victim

- patient

- empathetic

- an ability to compromise

- calm, centered

- accepting

[Visitor]

Good post. Concentrates on the positive (what we are looking for) and not the negative (what we need to avoid).

I think coming at it at this angle is very powerful. However, I feel we also need to concentrate on what we need to change about OURSELVES in order to not only attract the person we are looking for, but to keep that person in our lives when we find them.

The woman in my life who I have fallen in love with is:

•   Non-needy.

•   Is willing to walk away if I don’t treat her the way she deserves.

•   Communicates her feelings very well if I have upset her (I can upset people without realising. She helps me see this in a way I have never experienced before).

•   She gets on well with friends, family and work colleagues.

•   Doesn’t act like a victim

•   VERY funny!... I honestly haven’t met such a funny woman in all my life. (I’m laughing just typing this thinking what she said the other day)

•   Likes to do outdoor things like camping and cycling. We are cycle touring together soon which will involve roughing it a bit. I can’t stand a woman who needs to be in arms reach of a pair of straighteners. She is sexy and confident.

•   A little older than me. I was chasing younger girls but I have only just learned that I am a bit more compatible with an older woman 

•   Good in the bedroom. She is open and communicates very well in this regard.


And here is what I have had to change in myself in order for…well… for her not to leave me I guess...

•   Don’t make comments on her flaws. My narcissism played a big part in this. I know it sounds terrible but if I noticed my partner was gaining weight I would tell them. If they had a big nose I would make a joke now and again. It’s a horrible thing to do. I keep my mouth completely closed and remind myself I am no oil painting!. (I also don’t want a punch in the face )

•   Don’t keep her at arms-length. Let her know that things are progressing. Its ok to tell her I love her now and again and talk about the future together. I struggled with this in the past.

•   Accept it when she compliments me. She likes to tell me I am an amazing person and good looking etc. I really struggle with compliments like this due to my self-esteem.  The BPD partner constantly called me an a-hole when she didn’t get her way.

•   Be open. Express your feeling more and don’t be afraid to appear vulnerable.

•   Don’t drink so much. A couple of beers is fine when you go out but there is no need to get too drunk with your partner.