Husband is chronically depressed--creates new issues to be upset about

[Cat Familiar]

My husband is constantly upset about something, whether it's politics, the news, the environment, feeling slighted by an acquaintance, etc. I assumed that much of his distress was related to work issues, but when he retired, it just transferred to other things.

It seems he can't have any length of time feeling happy and content about life. There's always some new issue that he's bummed out about.

I don't live like this, but I realize that I've been a bit depressed myself--unmotivated, spending more time on these boards, feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I don't match his moods as was my previous way, and he feels like I judge him because I'm not there in the trenches with him, worrying about his issue du jour. I try to validate him, but I've got to be very careful so that it doesn't come across as rote or formulaic--which invalidates him further.

I feel like I'm surfacing from my minor funk, which is a very insignificant loss of energy and motivation. But being around Mr. Grumpoopy is certainly not very fun. I'm glad that he has plans on Sunday to visit some old law school friends and will be out of town overnight.

How do you handle your SO's bad moods?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Loosestrife]

My husband is constantly upset about something, whether it's politics, the news, the environment, feeling slighted by an acquaintance, etc. I assumed that much of his distress was related to work issues, but when he retired, it just transferred to other things.

It seems he can't have any length of time feeling happy and content about life. There's always some new issue that he's bummed out about.

I don't live like this, but I realize that I've been a bit depressed myself--unmotivated, spending more time on these boards, feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I don't match his moods as was my previous way, and he feels like I judge him because I'm not there in the trenches with him, worrying about his issue du jour. I try to validate him, but I've got to be very careful so that it doesn't come across as rote or formulaic--which invalidates him further.

I feel like I'm surfacing from my minor funk, which is a very insignificant loss of energy and motivation. But being around Mr. Grumpoopy is certainly not very fun. I'm glad that he has plans on Sunday to visit some old law school friends and will be out of town overnight.

How do you handle your SO's bad moods?

I  tried every which way you describe and failed miserably so I'm probabaly not the best person to give advice. All I know is that it was harder when my mood is low or I was tired. Try to find good reasons to spend time apart to recharge your batteries  

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, Loosestrife. You hit the nail on the head. My energy started to spiral down recently when there was a lot of smoke in the air from distant wildfires blowing our direction. Having had asthma as a kid, I have to be really careful and stay inside. So I became far more sedentary than I typically am, and my mood followed accordingly.

I've got to get out there and breathe hard and sweat now that the air is once again clear.

[Loosestrife]

You're welcome. Let us know how you get on. Try to do at least one nice thing a week for you 

[Loosestrife]

Is your h seeking any help for his depression... .it's a huge burden on you if he's not.

[Cat Familiar]

Is your h seeking any help for his depression... .it's a huge burden on you if he's not.

I'm pretty good at doing nice things for myself and thankfully he is starting therapy. Whether or not it will last during the rough phases when he will paint his therapist black remains to be seen. I need to not be drawn into trying to "help" him as has been a lifelong habit. At least I'm aware that I can easily slip back into this pattern if I'm not careful.

[Notwendy]

Cat - like many of us here who have been raised by mothers with BPD and family dysfunction, I think we tend to have hyper perception and sensitivity to the moods of others around us. I also think that emotions are contagious. Being around people who are depressed can make us feel that way too. However, the opposite can happen- a happy friend could make us feel more cheerful too. ( unless someone is clinically depressed, that is different- being around happy people is not a sufficient treatment).

With just about any situation, my H can see the glass half empty and I tend to see it as half full. I posted a while back about being excited about a ring I saw in a store, and telling my H about it. It triggered a "if she likes this ring, then, she doesn't like the engagement ring I gave her" response. Took the wind right out of my sails, and the potential joy of that ring in the moment. I started to talk myself into not wanting it, which is often my response to his negativity,  but that was being co-dependent. I really did like it. After his negative response, my H told me to get it, which I did. I love the ring, but it was not really about getting a ring.  I could buy my own ring. I wanted the romantic aspect of my H being enthusiastic to get it for me, but I can't control his reaction.  

This is just one example of multiple times where I am happy about something, and the result is to interpret that as "if she is happy about anything not related to me, this means she is unhappy with me" and a negative response. It gets old, but this is how he sees things.  My happiness at seeing an old childhood friend who I had not seen in years ( with our spouses and kids all together) was translated to " She isn't this happy to see me". The result of this nice family get together was him raging at me later, and also the ST which I ignored.

I will admit to not sharing my happiness over something with him. I just want to enjoy it. I think I learned to cope with this early on. My siblings and I will laugh at some of the silliest jokes or comics.  People would be amazed at how happy we were in some of our circumstances but humor was a coping mechanism. Counseling helps, enjoying myself helps. For a while I felt guilty enjoying myself when the person I am with is unhappy. I felt that I had to match his unhappiness. In a sense, we balance each other. I tend to have rose colored glasses, he sees the flaws. Neither perspective is ideal, but we are who we are. Animals are amazing companions, but we need humans too. Enjoy your horses, and also your friends.

[Cat Familiar]

Cat - like many of us here who have been raised by mothers with BPD and family dysfunction, I think we tend to have hyper perception and sensitivity to the moods of others around us. I also think that emotions are contagious. Being around people who are depressed can make us feel that way too. However, the opposite can happen- a happy friend could make us feel more cheerful too. ( unless someone is clinically depressed, that is different- being around happy people is not a sufficient treatment).

Yep--hyperawareness of other's moods. I've been labeled a "psychic sponge" before for soaking up the moods of the people I love. I've been attempting not to do this with my husband, with varying degrees of success.

And when I'm successful at keeping a positive mood in the midst of his "poor me" or "the world is going to hell" phases, he's accused me of "not caring" about him. At least I understand better the dynamic and how BPD fits into the picture.

[Notwendy]

I am also very sensitive to people's moods, and also pretty easy going ( read: noodle, easily manipulated, co-dependent) but I also see this as a gift in the sense that we learned how to be happy on our own. Growing up, we didn't have many expectations. We could not rely on mom. Sibs and I were easily entertained, we could entertain ourselves for hours. We weren't poor so we had what we needed, but we knew not to get our hopes up about much, since mom would use anything she knew we wanted to manipulate us or punish us. The other side of this, is that we learned not to want, not to stand up for ourselves and doing so would rock the boat.

When I look back on how easy it was for my H to just get his way it's pretty sad. I had no real clue what was going on with him. I knew he was way more functional than my mother ( thank goodness) and his family looked "normal" compared to mine, but as a kid, you don't know what normal is if you are raised like we were. Also, being that we were not economically challenged, nobody imagined that kids like us, with braces, clothing, good grades, could have anything going wrong at home, so we had no reason to think we were any different from other families.

I can recall giving up so much because of his feelings. I turned down opportunities to see friends because it upset him. When we were dating a friend had tickets to a rock concert I wanted to see. It was a guy but nothing was going on. He talked me out of it. I had no idea how jealous he was of any one I admired at all, even an actor on TV. It was years later, after we got married that he got angry at me about someone in school that I had a crush on and hardly ever talked to as a teen, years before I met him, and also over a rock musician I admired that I got to meet in public- with bunch of fans. That was uncalled for, but I felt so much shame over his feelings. He acted as if I had cheated on him, but that made no sense. How can having a school crush years before we met be cheating? Still, I felt shamed.

Much of the extreme behavior happened after marriage and kids. I would have walked if it was when we were dating.

He would also be critical of me when I was working, or any new hobby. Before I got into co-dependency groups, I would respond to his negativity by giving up. I would have decided, well I better not get that ring because it upsets him, or take this new job, or go see this friend, or make plans. He would have a negative response to any social events. As a result, we have no friends as a couple... .literally, because I didn't reciprocate or accept invitations until people just moved on and took us off their invite list.

Now, I don't hold back, but it is hard to deal with negativity. I know that my interest in something outside the home and kids makes him uncomfortable, but I don't want to not be who I am, not have friends, and not want things ( as long as we can afford them) just because he isn't enthusiastic.

[Cat Familiar]

I am also very sensitive to people's moods, and also pretty easy going ( read: noodle, easily manipulated, co-dependent) but I also see this as a gift in the sense that we learned how to be happy on our own. Growing up, we didn't have many expectations. We could not rely on mom. Sibs and I were easily entertained, we could entertain ourselves for hours. We weren't poor so we had what we needed, but we knew not to get our hopes up about much, since mom would use anything she knew we wanted to manipulate us or punish us. The other side of this, is that we learned not to want, not to stand up for ourselves and doing so would rock the boat.

I can recall giving up so much because of his feelings. I turned down opportunities to see friends because it upset him. When we were dating a friend had tickets to a rock concert I wanted to see. It was a guy but nothing was going on. He talked me out of it. I had no idea how jealous he was of any one I admired at all, even an actor on TV. It was years later, after we got married that he got angry at me about someone in school that I had a crush on and hardly ever talked to as a teen, years before I met him, and also over a rock musician I admired that I got to meet in public- with bunch of fans. That was uncalled for, but I felt so much shame over his feelings. He acted as if I had cheated on him, but that made no sense. How can having a school crush years before we met be cheating? Still, I felt shamed.

Much of the extreme behavior happened after marriage and kids. I would have walked if it was when we were dating.

He would also be critical of me when I was working, or any new hobby. Before I got into co-dependency groups, I would respond to his negativity by giving up. I would have decided, well I better not get that ring because it upsets him, or take this new job, or go see this friend, or make plans. He would have a negative response to any social events. As a result, we have no friends as a couple... .literally, because I didn't reciprocate or accept invitations until people just moved on and took us off their invite list.

Now, I don't hold back, but it is hard to deal with negativity. I know that my interest in something outside the home and kids makes him uncomfortable, but I don't want to not be who I am, not have friends, and not want things ( as long as we can afford them) just because he isn't enthusiastic.

I can so empathize with all you've written here. I did very similar things in my first marriage. Thankfully when I divorced him, I started therapy and I still remember my therapist telling me, "We've got to build you a self."

Around that time I also learned the term "healthy selfish" which meant taking care of and loving oneself. My mother had controlled me through the "selfish" word and shamed me for acting like a normal kid. I grew to have a belief that it was my job to make people feel better and that I could never be happy if the ones I loved weren't happy (a weird twist on the Bodhisattva meme). So I did everything I could to try to please others and it was a fruitless task. I had no idea that it was also a selfish pursuit (so ironic) because I wanted them to be happy so that I could finally be happy myself.

So now I'm very happy in my own company and with some friends with whom I can totally be myself and say anything. I wish this were the case with my husband, but I have to monitor my words so that I do not say anything that he can take as "criticism"--which could be even disagreeing with him that the lawn looks like it needs water.

I previously had no filter about saying things that bothered me about his behavior or attitudes and I feel like I was lumped in with all the other people in his life who had criticized him and painted black. So, for now, I'm trying to rebuilt a positive frame for him by not criticizing him (such a pain in the butt to have to monitor myself so closely), but it does seem to be helping to restore a positive relationship between us and give me a bit of latitude on the infrequent occasions when I do have to confront him about something.

I've had a fun day with him out of town. A friend came over yesterday and we rode horses, swam, and talked about important issues in our lives. It's so easy to be around emotionally healthy people who can confess their liabilities and laugh uproariously about life's struggles. I just wish my husband could do this, but it may never be possible for him.

[Notwendy]

Cat, I could have written this post. My mother used "selfish" to describe me too, and so I learned to be selfless.  I too realized I had no idea who "I" was. I just went along with whatever anyone else I was with wanted. The furniture in the house is the ones my H liked, the food I cooked was what he liked. He picked the movies.

In my house growing up the main rule was to do whatever mom wanted and don't rock the boat. It was quite a ride if we did.

It took a while for me to decide that I could want and like things too.

[Cat Familiar]

Notwendy, those old habits are hard to break. Lots of time I don't even have an opinion when asked if I want to go to restaurant A or restaurant B. I'm just happy to not be cooking dinner and going out. So whatever he prefers would make me happy.

So that's what I used to express--"Whatever you like, Dear." And it often annoyed the hell out of him.

Here I thought I was being a good citizen, since I didn't have a strong preference.

What woke me up was a comment waverider made recently. It was something about pwBPD feeling indefinite and that they wanted others to express a strong opinion, rather than waffling.

So recently, I've surprised him by saying I do not want choice A, but I'm happy with choice B.

Sometimes I think he's trying to please me and if I come across as not caring--which is how he's interpreting my open attitude, then he gets frustrated.

[Grey Kitty]

Yep--hyperawareness of other's moods. I've been labeled a "psychic sponge" before for soaking up the moods of the people I love. I've been attempting not to do this with my husband, with varying degrees of success.

You can either pull the sponge out of the water or change it so it is less absorbent.

Long term, you want to build up strength in yourself, so you can care and connect with others feelings... .without taking them on yourself.

Short term, at any given time, you may be too vulnerable to negative feelings to subject yourself to them, and your best approach at that time is to remove yourself from the negativity.

This helps the long-term prospects of building your capacity to be empathetic/supportive without getting lost in the feelings too. As you learn to trust yourself that you can be around those feelings, but will not subject yourself to a level that harms you, the level you can take (without being harmed/pulled down) increases.

[Cat Familiar]

Rather than continue to be a sponge, I want to be a squeegee, so I can quickly fling off the emotional waterworks directed at me.

I do want to be able to witness without building a layer of insulation, yet have a slick waterproof hide so that I dont get weighted down and start drowning in the flood of emotion.

[Notwendy]

Over time, and with co-dependency help, I have become less of a sponge. I am not less perceptive, but I can think though it- is this my stuff to deal with or someone else's?

My H is the opposite. He has such a wall around him that there are times I wonder if he even has a clue what I am feeling. He can sense certain emotions- anger, fear, and intense affection, but not subtle affection.

I assumed he knew how I felt about a certain political topic, because I have told him, in discussions, what I think about it. The other day, he asked me a question about it, we were talking about the subject. I was taken aback because anyone who knows me well would know the answer to that but he was not sure how I felt about it. I think to him, our discussions may have been theoretical, but there was not a perception of any emotion attached to it. This is the state of most of our conversations- he can talk about topics he is emotionally detached from and I think he assumes the same for me. Emotionally charged discussions between us tend to break down.

[Jessica84]

Rather than continue to be a sponge, I want to be a squeegee, so I can quickly fling off the emotional waterworks directed at me.

I do want to be able to witness without building a layer of insulation, yet have a slick waterproof hide so that I dont get weighted down and start drowning in the flood of emotion.

Let me know how you pull this off! The depression cycles are the worst for me. I can deal with the ranting and raving like a madman. I know he's spiraling but he's working thru it in his own strange way. But the lethargy and woe is me is draining... and contagious.

Do you ever get the feeling your h secretly blames you for when his moods go blah for no real reason? Sometimes I get the feeling my bf does this when his depression hits full steam - he doesn't directly blame or attack me - more like, he can't figure out why he's down, so he starts shedding everything. I get caught up in his process of elimination -- he gets distant from me or contemplates a breakup (in case I'm the problem) -- or he stops eating red meat (in case that's it). Do you notice this pattern?

[Cat Familiar]

My H is the opposite. He has such a wall around him that there are times I wonder if he even has a clue what I am feeling. He can sense certain emotions- anger, fear, and intense affection, but not subtle affection.

I assumed he knew how I felt about a certain political topic, because I have told him, in discussions, what I think about it. The other day, he asked me a question about it, we were talking about the subject. I was taken aback because anyone who knows me well would know the answer to that but he was not sure how I felt about it. I think to him, our discussions may have been theoretical, but there was not a perception of any emotion attached to it. This is the state of most of our conversations- he can talk about topics he is emotionally detached from and I think he assumes the same for me. Emotionally charged discussions between us tend to break down.

As aware of emotions as pwBPD can be due to learning to be hypervigilant as children, they often get it wrong. My husband frequently assumes I'm angry, many times when I'm just in a blank, unfocused state, like when I'm doing something routine, like peeling potatoes. He will mistake my being in a hurry when I have a lot to do and I'm caffeinated, such as when I'm housecleaning, for anger too. It's like they've learned to sort for the emotions that they need to protect themselves from, but the subtle nuances that healthy people can discern are lost upon them.

[Cat Familiar]

The depression cycles are the worst for me. I can deal with the ranting and raving like a madman. I know he's spiraling but he's working thru it in his own strange way. But the lethargy and woe is me is draining... and contagious.

Do you ever get the feeling your h secretly blames you for when his moods go blah for no real reason? Sometimes I get the feeling my bf does this when his depression hits full steam - he doesn't directly blame or attack me - more like, he can't figure out why he's down, so he starts shedding everything. I get caught up in his process of elimination -- he gets distant from me or contemplates a breakup (in case I'm the problem) -- or he stops eating red meat (in case that's it). Do you notice this pattern?

At least he's trying to figure out what may have "caused" the bad mood and to try a strategy to deal with it. My husband seems to think he's helpless and a prisoner to his bad moods. His only strategy is to drink so much wine that he passes out while watching TV.

I don't know if he "blames me" but he certainly feels free to be an ass at the drop of a hat. It's like he's looking for a provocation and an argument. Lately I've tried being blissfully ignorant of when he lights the match, trying for the inflagration. It's amusing because he will do a double take, amazed that I haven't realized that I've been insulted, and then he'll drop it for the moment, as if he's had some self awareness that he's been a jerk.

[Notwendy]

Yes, I have found that my H doesn't express emotions much, with the exception of anger.

I wonder if he protects himself against feeling his own emotions that he doesn't tune into them with me.

Politics is interesting because my H affiliates strongly with one side. It is that side all the way.  For me, it is not so easy to determine which side to vote for, because there are so many different issues with different nuances. So I will generally choose a party affiliation according to the one that fits the best, but it is not because I agree with everything they stand for. It's that I have only those choices.

There is one topic in particular that we disagree on. He has known this since he met me! . I formed mine because of some personal experiences where this topic effected people I care about. It is OK with me for him to have his opinion and I understand why- he has had different experiences than I have. Haven't we all had different ones.

I was dumbfounded that he didn't seem to know how I felt. I wonder if he was just putting that on to goad me, or if he just could not see that I could vote for one side in general but agree with the other on some topics. Whatever... .I didn't bite.