My letter to my UBPD sister

[Littlebean03]

If you're reading this, it probably won't make sense to you but I just need to know I'm not alone so thanks for reading.

Sister, ive lost all respect for you.  You are the most selfish, irresponsible, hypocritical person I've ever met.  You may think by working so much that makes you responsible.  I beg to differ.  Move out already! You sneak here and there. I never know if you're home! Where do you go? Definitely not at work the whole time! You stay away from your kids for days!  How dare you! Do you know how many times Your youngest has asked me where you are?  What am I supposed to say to that? "Your mom feels it's more important to be with friends than you?"  You justify everything you do and take no responsibility! Not once have you offered to help out financially with the child support you get every month.  I know it's not much but it's not yours! It's your girls'! You have put so much responsibility on Your oldest she will be working through that baggage for the rest of her life!  Is that really something you want to put on her? Stop running away from your problems! It's no wonder you've lost so many friendships! Your find people to validate you and the minute you are questioned you dump them like a sac of bricks. You say you hate drama but you're the one who brings the drama.  I find it so hard to believe that you were the victim that you made yourself out to be.  I believe you were hurt.  But I don't believe that you were innocent of wrong doing yourself. You are a hypocrite. You preach peace  even though the house is anything but when you're there because you yell at the kids and project your emotions onto everyone else.  You preach acceptance even though you don't accept mom and her religion or shortfalls. You have MAJOR shortfalls too! You're never home. When you're over at a friends house, who do you think is with your girls?  Do you ask me if that's ok? You have a few times but you don't anymore.  How dare you! I'm not your live in babysitter, I'm your sister!  This is what you did to your oldest!  WHAT... .ARE... .YOU... .THINKING! She's your daughter!  Your youngest calls her mom.  Do you know how wrong that is? The first time you stayed out all night and didn't come home ( that I knew of) I thought you were dead!  If I stayed out all night and didn't tell anyone where I was do you know what repercussions I'd have? If Your oldest stayed with you it's not because of you it's because she feels like she has to protect Your youngest.  From you!  What are you thinking exposing your girls to so many men!  It would have been better that they didn't have ANY daddies let alone 5 plus!  Having that many men come and go will have LASTING CONSEQUENCES! All they've known is that men are violent and they leave! It's no wonder Your oldest wants to be gay! It's one thing to be alone and live with your boyfriend, it's totally different bringing your girls into the picture. You pride yourself on having an open mind and being sensitive to others feelings,  only you can't see outside of yourself and are only sensitive to how others affect you!

I wish I could give this to her but I know better.   Feeling hopeless right now. And stuck in the situation.  Ask questions and I'll try to answer.

[Kwamina]

Hi Littlebean03

It's clear that you're having a very hard time dealing with your sister's behavior. Has your sister ever been diagnosed with any kind of mental, emotional and/or behavioral disorder? Has she ever gotten any treatment or therapy for her problems?

Sometimes it can really help getting your thoughts and feelings out in the form of a letter. Not necessarily to send it but more for yourself to give yourself a safe way to 'vent'. How does it make you feel having written all these things down? When you reread what you posted, do you perhaps notice certain things that you hadn't before about this situation with your sister?

If I understand correctly all of you (you, your sister and her kids) live together. Are there also any other family-members involved here?

[Littlebean03]

It's clear that you're having a very hard time dealing with your sister's behavior. Has your sister ever been diagnosed with any kind of mental, emotional and/or behavioral disorder? Has she ever gotten any treatment or therapy for her problems?

She's been diagnosed with depression.  ( it runs rampant in our family,  I have been diagnosed with major depression) but does not believe in modern medicine.  And refuses to get insurance because "Why should I get insurance for doctors who are just going to give them(her girls) shots they don't need and drugs that may or may not work?"

Sometimes it can really help getting your thoughts and feelings out in the form of a letter. Not necessarily to send it but more for yourself to give yourself a safe way to 'vent'. How does it make you feel having written all these things down? When you reread what you posted, do you perhaps notice certain things that you hadn't before about this situation with your sister?

It definitely helped me to organize my thoughts a little and to spell out my reasons for feeling that way.  I've re-read  this letter to my husband (who's in Afghanistan for a year) my Mother and my Counselor. I've realized how much damage she's done, to me, to her girls and ultimately to herself.

If I understand correctly all of you (you, your sister and her kids) live together. Are there also any other family-members involved here?

So because my husband is Afghanistan for a year (this is the third time) I decided I needed to move back home with my 4 kids (over 800 mile move) to be closer to my mother for support. (My kids are girl - 16, boy - 14, boy - 10, boy - 4) This was summer of 2014.  No one had heard from my sister for 2 years.  In September, my Grandmother of 98 years , (who my sister had been very close to, but hadn't spoken to for 2 years either which broke her heart) passed away.  My sister flew back home for the funeral.  This opened the lines of communication and she deemed me an "open mind". In the beginning of December she called me up to ask for money to move out of where she was at and to pay off a $1000 charge for petty theft or she'd go to jail.   She'd been abused in many of her relationships too. So what could I do? I bailed her out and gave her an extra $500 to move here with me.  When she got here things were crazy.  She and her girls didn't have much.  ( her girls are 16, and 7). So I had to buy them all new clothes and anything else they needed. (Beds, dressers, clothes, school supplies etc... .). I allowed her to sleep the days away thinking I'd give her a break and time to recover.  That was 7+ months ago.  Lots has happened to get us from here to there but, let's just say I got used one too many times and can't take it any more.  I've come to discover what a horrible mother she is. She made her oldest ( at age 10) watch her youngest from the time she was born while she went out to the bar to drink with her new husband.  There are so many horror stories like that that my husband and I decided to offer to take them under the guise that she's been dealt a bad hand and we'd help her with some of that burden.  She's agreed to let her oldest decide for herself( of which her oldest whole heartedly wants to come with us)  The biggest problem now is that she  and I don't get along.  And I'm afraid she's going to change her mind in the two weeks before my husband comes home. Also I'm barely making it.  It's a day to day struggle, because every time I talk to her trying to set boundaries (because I don't feel safe around her) it ends up becoming a fight. Only I have to hold in 90% of what I'm thinking and feeling. Which is taking its toll on me and my family. 

Any advice is VERY welcome!

[Kwamina]

Hi again Littlebean03

It's a day to day struggle, because every time I talk to her trying to set boundaries (because I don't feel safe around her) it ends up becoming a fight. Only I have to hold in 90% of what I'm thinking and feeling. Which is taking its toll on me and my family.  

Any advice is VERY welcome!

Setting boundaries is indeed very important when dealing with someone with BPD (traits). To help you in setting and enforcing boundaries with your sister, you might benefit from several resources we have here on this subject. Here's a short excerpt from our article about boundaries:

Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

Here are the links to our resources about boundaries:

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

Workshop: Examples of boundaries

To help you communicate with your sister, it might help to check out some of the communication techniques described on our site such as validation and also the things we can do ourselves to end the cycle of conflict. Here are some excerpts:

Nowhere is the communication skill of validation more important than in interfacing with highly sensitive individuals, individuals with low self esteem or individuals who are easily intimidated.  This is a very valuable tool for dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Before your can make things better, you have to stop making them worse.

Someone has to be first. This means generating the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are destructive to the relationship.

You can find the entire articles here:

Communication Skills - Validation

Ending the Cycle of Conflict

The unfortunate reality is that under the assumption that your sister has BPD and she's unwilling to get help, it's highly unlikely that she'll change anytime soon. What you can do is change yourself, for instance by setting boundaries as you've already been trying to do. The resources about boundaries will hopefully help you in this department. The communication techniques can help you get through to your sister while minimizing the chance of further conflict. They are no guarantee for success of course, but I do believe they can be helpful in certain situations. There are more communication techniques described on this site, but for now I think I've already provided you with enough links

[Suzn]

Hello Littlebean03 

I wanted to add my welcome. I'm sorry you're in such a frustrating and painful situation with your sister.   I've been in your situation watching children suffer from the consequences of mental illness, it's a hard place to be.

Along with Kwamina's link suggestions, I found this technique to be very helpful with my mother.

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

One of the beauties of these boards is you can practice these skills right here on the board and get helpful advice along the way from other members who have been in your shoes.

So glad you have found us, looking forward to hearing more of your story.

[Littlebean03]

Kwamina,  so reading the validating technique I have a few questions.

To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings - and then to understand them - and finally to nurture them. To validate is to acknowledge and accept a person. Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge.

How do I get over my feelings of lack of respect for my sister because of being used by her (as her personal babysitter, her personal bank account, her personal counsellor), by her using her oldest as a live-in babysitter, physically and emotionally abusing her oldest ( back handing her, holding down and threatening to punch, giving guilt trips etc... .),  her lack of trying to see anyone else's side, etc... .etc... .etc... .How do I get past these feelings to begin to even THINK about accepting her feelings.  I can't stand her! She makes me sick!

So reading in the next article, It says,

But, even if you have the capacity to do a particular behavior that is effective, you might still lack the motivation.

In situations of high negative emotion, when it is harder to do the new behavior, you are likely to think, "I don't really care about that now". In this emotional state, you fail to see the consequences of your actions.

So, you need to get to a balanced place in your mind in which you are broadly aware of your real relationship goals and not just your painful emotion of the moment. It is important to practice now, so you can get there in situations of duress...

I believe I don't add to the problem.  I have changed how I deal with her.  I try to not show emotion  ( as much as I can) because I know she uses that as fuel to keep fighting.  I try to use as much logic as possible. Obviously though, I can only see one side of the issue. Trying to talk to her to get her side is like going under the firing squad.  ( I do it as little as possible).

My relationship goals with her are nill.  Meaning, I'd be happy to never talk to her or see her again.  I don't however, wish to cut off all communication between her and her oldest if she does come with us.  How can I help keep them talking when I have no desire to talk to her myself?  Do I say, if they don't talk, that's on my sister?  Or would it be my responsibility to keep the communication lines open for my niece?

BTW, Thank you for your responses!  I ALWAYS welcome new ways to look at anything!

Suzn, 

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. - Marsha Linehan, MD published the DEARMAN in 1993 as part of her DBT training manual.

D= Describe the current situation. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.

E= Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

A= Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Assume that others cannot read your mind. Don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.

R= Reinforce the reward to the person ahead of time. Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing what you want.

M= Mindfully keep your focus on your objectives. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted.

A= Appear Confident. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating, saying “I’m not sure,” etc.

N= Negotiate by being willing to give to get. Offer and ask for alternative solutions to the problem. What am I willing to “settle for” or “give up” in order to gain what I want in the situation?


Yes I have heard of this technique from my counselor.(my sister is actually WHY im going to counselling) Only it was shorter,  just D.E.A.R... So the extra M.A.N. is useful! I swear as far as appearing confident, that is a must!  She smells fear!  These are things I've started trying to implement. Like compromising,  but right now she only sees in black and white.  For instance, she uses incense.  But it bothers me by giving me headaches and my daughter by giving her anxiety.  But when I asked her to stop using THAT kind of incense that she could use a different kind,  she said, "it's this or nothing!"  Frustrating.  I've also been told about a technique that uses: I think, I feel, I want. This is a useful tool to me when I have that overwhelming feeling to fight back and point fingers.  This is using the idea that people  are more accepting when you don't start out your sentences with, "you did this... .you did that".     

Anyways,  thanks for responding and for the extra tools I can add to my repitoir!

[Kwamina]

Hi again

How do I get past these feelings to begin to even THINK about accepting her feelings.  I can't stand her! She makes me sick!

When we talk about acceptance on this site in relation to our BPD relatives, we don't mean acceptance in the sense of condoning or approving their actions. By acceptance we mean acknowledgment of reality as it is.

Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something; it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is--with all its sadness, humor, irony, and gifts--at a particular point in time... .~ Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D., LCSW, Surviving a Borderline Parent

You don't want to say anything that you don't believe because that would be validating the invalid. Finding a validation target is key when trying to use validation. Even when you don't agree with how someone is behaving at all, it might still be possible to identify a validation target. This can help in structuring the interaction so you can come to the point of expressing yourself and/or asserting yourself in a way that minimizes the likelihood of further conflict while maximizing the chance of getting through to her.

I think it helps to look at how the various communication techniques are related and support each other. The D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique is a script to help you assert yourself: ":).E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request." To be able to verbally assert yourself requires the ability to express yourself, the ability to speak your truth. A technique that is very helpful for that is S.E.T. which stands for Support, Empathy and Truth:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

S.E.T. can be very helpful when dealing with disordered individuals. Specifically for the 'S' part it's important to be mindful of our own potentially unhelpful reactions, the article about things we can do ourselves to end the cycle of conflict can really help here. Also as a kind of checklist to ensure we keep doing the right things, this can also help keep us more calm and focused on our objective. The 'E' part of S.E.T. stands for 'Empathy', and that's where the technique of validation comes in.

I try to use as much logic as possible. Obviously though, I can only see one side of the issue. Trying to talk to her to get her side is like going under the firing squad.  ( I do it as little as possible).

Using logic when dealing with someone with BPD can indeed be problematic because for people with this disorder feelings often equate to facts. You could say that when you're being guided by logic you are speaking a totally different language than someone who's totally being lead by emotions:

Telling a person she shouldn't feel the way she does feel is akin to telling water it shouldn't be wet, grass it shouldn't be green, or rocks they shouldn't be hard. Each person's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature... .Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

Here again acceptance does not mean approval or condoning, it means acknowledging the reality of the other person's feelings.

I've also been told about a technique that uses: I think, I feel, I want. This is a useful tool to me when I have that overwhelming feeling to fight back and point fingers.  This is using the idea that people  are more accepting when you don't start out your sentences with, "you did this... .you did that".    

There are several assertiveness scripts, D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is just one of them. We also have a workshop here about that other script you are talking about:

TOOLS: Being Assertive in a Healthy Way

Some people prefer D.E.A.R.M.A.N. and some the other script. Sometimes it also depends on the situation which script you feel most comfortable with. It's good to be prepared though and have several tools available in your tool bag