I really need some help

[genny867]

My older sister, who has BPD, major depressive order and a long history of suicide attempts over the last 35 years is back in our lives again. She hadn't spoken to my mother or me in about 2 years. The reason was because after the death of my daughter (she died by suicide, dx of postpartum depression and hypothyroidism), we didn't think my sister should adopt her 4 month old son. She sent me text messages saying it was my fault my daughter committed suicide, that I was a terrible mother and on and on. She did the same to anybody else that she wanted to hurt. We just blocked her from all our phones and then she stopped all communication.

Our mother, who is 84 has just been diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia and has only a couple months, at best, to live. I was only able to let my sister know of this through her daughter. At first my sister would only speak to my mother, and completely ignored me. After a couple days we started speaking, and the phone calls started. All conversations are very negative about anything and everything. She'll go on for hours, and it has been exhausting dealing with her while trying to take care of my mother. When a social worker from hospice came over to speak to my mom about how she was coping and what services may be available to her, my sister wanted to come. My sister was late and had a big dramatic story as to why and the social worker had to help her calm down. For the first hour, we managed to keep the focus on helping my mom. After that, my sister kept interrupting so she could show how it related to one of the problems in her life. The interruptions got more and more frequent, and she talked longer and longer each time. Each time, she would go on more and more about her own personal problems and the affect these things have had on her life. At one point she talked about her problems for 40 minutes. She never once showed concern for anyone else in the room, not even our mother. The only time she cried was when the social worker confirmed that I was the primary and my sister the secondary in any decisions, according to our mom's advanced healthcare directive.

She is draining me and our mother of energy that we need right now. I don't know how to help my sister cope with this, and be a comfort instead of a thorn.

Any ideas/suggestions would be appreciated!

[pessim-optimist]

Welcome to our site genny867,

I am so sorry we are meeting under such difficult circumstances... .Having a BPD loved one is always a challenge, however, it tends to get worse in stressful times. I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this at once... . 

How are you coping? This must be such a hard blow... .

How is your mom feeling about her condition, and about all the drama that your sister brings with her? How much time would she want to spend with your sister/ how much energy does she have for that?

It is so nice of you that you want to be helpful to your sister, and perhaps it will be possible, at the same time, looking at the situation through the lens of your mom's needs and your needs and limits will help you keep things on a more even keel.

As far as the practical side of all this, it appears that the less your sister is involved in the logistics and decisions about your mother's care, the better, correct? Perhaps you could get the sole power of attorney when it comes to your mother's health (if your mother is ok with that)?

[AVR1962]

You can't help your sister deal with anything. Rather than being her shoulder to lean on and listen to her ramble let hr know kindly that you are really busy and let her know she is capable of caring for her own thoughts and emotions, that you have too much on your plate. The BPD will always try to make everything about them, they have to be #1.

[genny867]

Hi Pessim-optimist, I wish the circumstances were different, too.

I am holding up okay, seeing a therapist on a regular basis to deal with all of this. My mom was shocked in the beginning, as she had planned on making it to 100. Her attitude is good, but she does get tired pretty easily. She has no energy for extra drama and is upset with my sister for the way she is acting.

When I asked my sister if she was in therapy, she told me she only takes Prozac but would like to see someone, if only she had the money. The very first thing she told me when we began talking was how she needed money, and has continued to press the issue. I volunteer at NAMI, so I sent her info about where she could find "no cost" or sliding scale therapy. I even asked the SW at the last meeting about our mom's for her hospice care, if therapy could be made available to my sister. My sister hasn't contacted anyone, and I'm not going to push that issue because I know it's futile.

Since I can't change her, I am trying to work on my communication skills with her and find things for her to do that would be helpful. Unfortunately, she is no longer speaking to me again because I'm "in charge" (I have repeatedly told her I am not "in charge", our mother is, and it's up to us to follow her wishes). When my mom tells her what she wants and doesn't want, my sister ignores her and continues doing things that my mom doesn't want. When she talks to my mom, she is extremely negative and complains about all the problems in her life. Every call is like this and no phone call with my sister ever ends before an hour, it takes a LOT to get her off the phone.

Our mother showed me the paperwork for the will, the family trust, power of attorney and her advanced health directive, I am listed as the primary for everything. This is the thing that has most upset my sister, not my mother's diagnosis or the fact that she only has a few months to live.

I can handle our mother's situation, as hard as it is. It's the anticipation of what my sister will do next that is really stressing me out, as well as our mother. What has worked in the past is keeping my sister at a distance, but in this case that seems so harsh. My desire to help my sister and make our mother's last days the best they can be makes me want to cry, because it seems impossible.

[genny867]

AVR1962, I agree with you completely. I give her the tools, it's up to her to do something. I believe that she is just looking to draw attention to herself, and is not interested in solving her problems, only in complaining about them. It seems like the negative things in her life give her some kind of "charge".

Thankfully, she is currently not speaking to me ... .but now she is calling our mom all the time with her problems and need for money. Our mom listens, gives her money and than complains to me about her. Now our mom is rejecting my sister's offers of "help" and refusing anything she gives her or offers to do and I don't blame her. My greatest fear has always been that my sister will try to take advantage of our mother should she ever be incapacitated. I believe she will pull out all the stops this time, and I'm not sure I can completely protect our mom from her.

[thefixermom]

I think it might be good to consider it might be passed the time to take some control of the situation so that you don't have long term memories of your mom's upset at this most critical time.  When my mom became ill I had to develop some strong characteristics to protect her and keep away anyone who would upset her or take away her precious energy. At this time you might consider not worrying about your sister at all.  When this is all said and done she will dump you again and nothing will have been gained by your unjustified tolerance.  Just something to think about.  My suggestion would be to find a way to block her number from the phone and be prepared to hang up on her.  I'm truly empathetic. I'm just in a position where I know you will go over and over these times once your dear mother has passed and you might find yourself wishing you had done more to protect your mother, knowing you can deal with your sister later (or not).  With your mother's condition and prognosis, there really isn't time to be putting you and her through this... .it's time to make your mom's time as enjoyable and peaceful as possible so that you can draw on the good memories later and pat yourself on the back for having the good ones instead of the drama to remember. A great time to reminisce, go over family stories and things that you haven't had a chance to soak up. Find reasons to make her smile and feel appreciated.  Your mom needs you to do this as she is too vulnerable to be strong and probably feels myriad emotions, perhaps some guilt.  From what you described, your sister's presence is very hurtful to your mom.

[genny867]

Thank you fixermom. I know you are right but so desperately want to make this work, even though I know I can't. It's clear to me that my priority is our mother, and everything else has to take a back seat. My mom and I are enjoying are time together and I'm going to insist my sister keep her own problems to herself or speak with a therapist.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello again genny,

I see you are looking at your situation realistically, and that is an asset. The fact that this all happened so suddenly must be a dizzying experience... .

I think thefixermom has some really good points, and I can understand your dilemma:

I know you are right but so desperately want to make this work, even though I know I can't.

Your feelings and wishes are valid. Considering that this is only a short window of time with no space for do-overs, no wonder the mounting frustration, angst and sadness of it is taking a toll on you... .

At the same time, knowing that trying to make it all work isn't realistic will help you make the necessary decisions to keep your mom's environment as peaceful as possible.

It's the anticipation of what my sister will do next that is really stressing me out, as well as our mother. What has worked in the past is keeping my sister at a distance, but in this case that seems so harsh. My desire to help my sister and make our mother's last days the best they can be makes me want to cry, because it seems impossible.

I will be very honest: if you had more time to work with your sister, there would be more hope for a positive outcome. Things being what they are, the likelihood is that as your sister gets more stressed out, she will start acting out and spread stress and chaos around herself.

You are right that protecting your mom is a priority, so you can start thinking some scenarios through to be ready to set strong boundaries and ready to deal with the backlash from it (to the point of calling the police if the need arises).

If you have time or energy for some reading, there is a really good book that talks about the basics of BPD and the second part has good practical advice on how to deal with it: it's called "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger 

here is the site review on it: https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/randi_kreger.htm

There are also lots of valuable resources in our Learning Center - you can find Workshops, Articles and Book Reviews.

The journey ahead of you isn't easy, genny... .we are here to help you through it. 

[genny867]

Hi pessim-optimist,

My sister was hospitalized for a couple years as a teenager, and has been hospitalized at least once that I know of as an adult. We've been trying to work with her for years, but at 50 years old, I've pretty much thrown in the towel. I feel tremendously guilty for thinking that when this is all over, I won't have to deal with her. I know that sounds so terrible, but it's the truth.

I had gone over to my mom's today because she wanted to work on a sewing project and needed my help. Within 10 minutes of my arrival, my sister showed up. She didn't ask how anybody was, not even my mother. She talked for an hour and a half about herself, her new furniture, what she did with her old furniture, what she's done in the past with her old furniture. Her financial difficulties and how exhausted she is because her husband is too stupid to do anything. She did all this standing directly over our mom's chair with her backs to everyone else in the room, including her son with CP (she overdosed while pregnant with him). He kept trying to get her attention because his computer was locked and he couldn't communicate other than to say "Mom." I did my best to try to help him get her attention, but she didn't even turn around to acknowledge either of us for a half hour. I did my best to entertain him, but he can't really speak, so he communicated with me through his iPad using cartoons, but there was no sound. When she left, our mother was so exhausted, she needed to lie down, and and we agreed we would work on the sewing tomorrow.

How do I get her to stop talking so much? There is no conversation, just non-stop talking about her favorite subject, herself. My mom's energy usually lasts 3-4 hours, but when my sister comes around, she just saps all her energy.

I've read the book Walking on Eggshells and found it to be very helpful. Will definitely check out The Essential Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. The resources in the Learning Center are outstanding, I've been utilizing them already.

Thank you 

[pessim-optimist]

My sister was hospitalized for a couple years as a teenager, and has been hospitalized at least once that I know of as an adult. We've been trying to work with her for years, but at 50 years old, I've pretty much thrown in the towel. I feel tremendously guilty for thinking that when this is all over, I won't have to deal with her. I know that sounds so terrible, but it's the truth.

I don't blame you - if she isn't willing to work on herself and to get the help she needs, then no one in the whole world can help her... .

The fact that your mom's prognosis doesn't allow for a gentle, gradual easing into the new routines for your sister is really tough... .

I had gone over to my mom's today because she wanted to work on a sewing project and needed my help. Within 10 minutes of my arrival, my sister showed up.

Perhaps it's time for a new boundary: your sister might need to call ahead of time to make sure it's a good time to visit. (If she doesn't call and shows up, or shows up when told no, then it's NOT a good time and she gets turned away). What do you think about that? (Maybe you can talk to your mom about this and if she doesn't feel strong enough to handle it, you can handle it on her behalf (texting or e-mailing your sister in the DEAR format (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce):

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

How do I get her to stop talking so much? There is no conversation, just non-stop talking about her favorite subject, herself. My mom's energy usually lasts 3-4 hours, but when my sister comes around, she just saps all her energy.

Your sister will continue to be who she is... .Limiting your mom's exposure to her to when she can/wants to listen to your sister ramble is probably best to start.

If you feel up to it, another boundary might be in order (boundary is about protecting yourself/your mom and must be enforceable i.e. devising what happens when your sister decides to step over your boundary).

You can think about that and brainstorm here if you'd like, and then have a conversation w/your sister at a good and peaceful time, to let her know about this new boundary.

Using S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth) generously peppered with Validation is the best way to navigate those kinds of situations, however, fireworks CAN happen anyway, and that's ok.

I've read the book Walking on Eggshells and found it to be very helpful. Will definitely check out The Essential Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. The resources in the Learning Center are outstanding, I've been utilizing them already.

I'd describe The Essential Family Guide as a much improved version of Walking on Eggshells. If you liked the Eggshells, you will definitely like the Essential Family Guide... .

[genny867]

My sister began talking to me, and finally wanted to discuss what happened with my grandson. After listening to her for about an hour about how my actions hurt her, she told me that I owed her an apology. After the initial shock, I summarized what she had said in about a minute and asked her if I had it right. She agreed, and I said that I could see how she would've been hurt by this. It was with great difficulty I held back my intense anger and asked if she understood WHY these things happened. She started to speak, but didn't seem to be able to come up with anything, so I offered to tell her. I only covered key points for brevity, but after each explanation I asked her how she would have perceived the situation differently and what she would have done differently. Each time, she would try to offer up an excuse, for her behavior, which I would reject and ask her again how she would've felt, perceived and acted if she had been faced with similar circumstances. By the end, I could hardly contain my anger, but I was assertive and didn't yell or say derogatory things about her. Then I asked if maybe, just maybe, she owed me an apology. She apologized very meekly, and I apologized that things went the way they did and that she was hurt. Given the circumstances, I was left with no other choice.

Our reconciliation only lasted a week, and I have been getting the silent treatment for the most part.

I love the silent treatment