Almost Sent This to Him... I NEED to Tell Him Off

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Don't worry, this is the absolute last time you will EVER hear from me. Unfortunately, it took me a while to figure it all out and it makes sense why you didn't like that I was "too smart." (F*ck You, by the way). I just need to vent and let everything out so I can finally move forward. I've been too nice to you and well, it's time to say what I want.

You have issues. BIG issues. And, I should have run like hell when I started noticing them. You were too good to be true and that's usually the first sign, not to mention, you kinda tried to warn me, don't you remember? Lol. The bad part is that I have issues too, but not the kind that hurt people, the kind that attracts me to people who hurt me: YOU.

You are NOT the person your friends think you are and I think that's why I even let it rock on as long as I did... .I was in denial that the guy I got to know (who our friends say is a good guy) was a lie. That's the only way to explain your sudden flip in personality and the way you treated me.

Honestly, I think you need professional help.

I have alternated between compassion - because you do this to yourself and it's a mental illness - and anger toward you because for someone that has been hurt over and over by people, you treating me the way you did was like sticking a knife in a wound and twisting it.

You deeply hurt me in a way you can't even imagine. It's hard for me to open up to people because I've encountered a lot of spineless, deceitful asss like you who have eroded my trust in others. You made me think we were on the same page and I extended my hand and heart to you over and over. You said you were afraid of me leaving, but when I offer to stay... .POOF. You're gone.

To turn and walk away from someone who is laying their heart on the line and communicating like an adult without saying a word is immature and exactly one of the reasons why I finally loved myself enough to put an end to the bullsh*t rollercoaster ride you put me through.

I don't want to be your friend, unlike your ex who is probably in denial about poor little Brian, bless her heart. I don't want anything from you. (I learned the hard way that you have nothing to give.) I just want you to see how destructive you are. How much pain you cause others. Please stop hurting women because you can't be normal with them. Please seek help so that you can have a normal relationship one day.

Maybe one day I will forgive you (I have forgiven the guy who treated me just like you did over a year ago), but I don't think I can get past the hurt and betrayal I feel right now.

I trusted you and believed what everyone said about you and that was my mistake.

I really don't know how to end this and it really doesn't matter. I pray that you grow up and seek help so that no other woman has to feel the immense hurt and betrayal I do right now.

Goodbye Brian, for good.

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I just needed to vent. I know it's a bad idea. But, I feel so weak for leaving things on a good note. It's been over a month and it's bothering me that I didn't tell him off. I always get like this when I'm healing. I always detach in love and compassion and after stewing on things and realizing what happened because I never see that they are BPD at first, I always want to go back and say F*CKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUU. I have in the past and it made me feel way better, but the guy called me psycho and threatened to call the police (LOL), but it's just funny how they have no idea how hurt they make us feel, do they? I want him to know how destructive he is... .it's eating me alive. 

[misssouthernbelle]

Don't worry, this is the absolute last time you will EVER hear from me. Unfortunately, it took me a while to figure it all out and it makes sense why you didn't like that I was "too smart." (F*ck You, by the way). I just need to vent and let everything out so I can finally move forward. I've been too nice to you and well, it's time to say what I want.

You have issues. BIG issues. And, I should have run like hell when I started noticing them. You were too good to be true and that's usually the first sign, not to mention, you kinda tried to warn me, don't you remember? Lol. The bad part is that I have issues too, but not the kind that hurt people, the kind that attracts me to people who hurt me: YOU.

You are NOT the person your friends think you are and I think that's why I even let it rock on as long as I did... .I was in denial that the guy I got to know (who our friends say is a good guy) was a lie. That's the only way to explain your sudden flip in personality and the way you treated me.

Honestly, I think you need professional help.

I have alternated between compassion - because you do this to yourself and it's a mental illness - and anger toward you because for someone that has been hurt over and over by people, you treating me the way you did was like sticking a knife in a wound and twisting it.

You deeply hurt me in a way you can't even imagine. It's hard for me to open up to people because I've encountered a lot of spineless, deceitful asss like you who have eroded my trust in others. You made me think we were on the same page and I extended my hand and heart to you over and over. You said you were afraid of me leaving, but when I offer to stay... .POOF. You're gone.

To turn and walk away from someone who is laying their heart on the line and communicating like an adult without saying a word is immature and exactly one of the reasons why I finally loved myself enough to put an end to the bullsh*t rollercoaster ride you put me through.

I don't want to be your friend, unlike your ex who is probably in denial about poor little Brian, bless her heart. I don't want anything from you. (I learned the hard way that you have nothing to give.) I just want you to see how destructive you are. How much pain you cause others. Please stop hurting women because you can't be normal with them. Please seek help so that you can have a normal relationship one day.

Maybe one day I will forgive you (I have forgiven the guy who treated me just like you did over a year ago), but I don't think I can get past the hurt and betrayal I feel right now.

I trusted you and believed what everyone said about you and that was my mistake.

I really don't know how to end this and it really doesn't matter. I pray that you grow up and seek help so that no other woman has to feel the immense hurt and betrayal I do right now.

Goodbye Brian, for good.

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I just needed to vent. I know it's a bad idea. But, I feel so weak for leaving things on a good note. It's been over a month and it's bothering me that I didn't tell him off. I always get like this when I'm healing. I always detach in love and compassion and after stewing on things and realizing what happened because I never see that they are BPD at first, I always want to go back and say F*CKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUU. I have in the past and it made me feel way better, but the guy called me psycho and threatened to call the police (LOL), but it's just funny how they have no idea how hurt they make us feel, do they? I want him to know how destructive he is... .it's eating me alive. 

[misssouthernbelle]

As if that wasn't bad enough, I'm playing 80's music right before bed and his favorite band comes on - a not so popular one at that. I just want him out of my head, heart, and life! 

[hurting300]

Ok, why not send it? Your free to speak your mind to someone that hurt you.

[BlackandBlue]

I wish I could write something that well to send to my ex... .that was something fierce! Well done!

[rickdeckard]

Hi, MSB!

Nothing wrong with venting  . It's healthy to allow yourself to feel anger! Let it out, scream at the moon and stars and sun and rainbows! And Internet!

I've always been glad I didn't send these types of emails to her. It would open communication again as well as make me feel bad for being mean (wait, WHAT?... .you know what I mean). Oh, I've typed up plenty of 'em. Just didn't hit send.

And, yeah, '80s music. Took a while to detach it from her. ITS MINE DANGIT! YOU DONT GET TO HAVE THAT! EVEN IF ITS IN MY HEAD!  

I'm 1.5 years out and don't come here too often anymore. It really does get better. But sometimes... .sometimes... .the thoughts come back. Not for long anymore. Looking at a tree can distract me from them now. No, hang on, that always distracted me. Um... .it gets better, m'kay?

Be angry, happy, sad as it comes to you. You're allowed to feel what you are feeling   . Vent as you need to... .but I'm pretty sure you'd agree that venting to him will just open up a can of worms. Better to do it here, eh?

BTW, if I ever really did decide to send that **ONE LAST MESSAGE** I would like to have you ghost write it for me, 'cause WOW, your letter is good! 1.5 kilotons of elegantly stated FU.

[Pretty Woman]

Great job NOT sending that letter. It won't affect him because he has O empathy. Sending that only gives him ammo to show his friends, er "enablers"... .look, she IS crazy.

Darlin, if you EVER itch to send him a message just PM me on here with it. I won't even read it if you don't want me to. You can address it to Brian, go ahead. Don't give him the warped satisfaction in his mind he is right.

I was painted as a nutjob all the while my ex was showering me with promises of forever. No one on "her side" was surprised when she dumped me for someone else... .again... after many times of her dumping me... .

and I'm the ahole? Um.

Stay strong. It's ok to be angry. I am in that stage too. You were treated like shyt. I love how you say you know something is wrong as you were attracted to him in the first place... .

you are on the right track there! Keep working on you!


PW

[zundertowz]

I don't believe that all rules apply to everyone if you feel like sending that letter is good for you then send it... .just make sure that you block him and make that your last contact... .don't wait for a reply and don't go back and forth.  Who cares what he thinks or his friends... .it's about how you feel.  I was no contact with my ex for 4 months and replied to a email with a email like this... .my reply was a bit harsher and it felt good to get my thoughts off my chest... .it actually gave me a bit of closure and even tho the exchange was cold We at least said goodbye to each other.

[Learning_curve74]

Good job belle on not sending that letter but simply writing it to vent. All too often actually sending it will simply give them physical proof that we are a crazy psycho, which is great for them to carry on a smear campaign if they're into that. I've learned you can always share here as so many of us have been in the same position and can understand.  

And as mentioned by others, it's perfectly okay to feel angry now. It's totally admirable to detach with love and compassion, and is important if that is the kind of person you see yourself as. It's when we violate our own values that we betray ourselves in the worst way.

It's totally cool to vent your anger towards him. He was a jerk the way he treated you. However focusing on him only goes so far too making your life happy and fulfilling. What kind of things have you been doing for yourself recently?

[once removed]

you might try asking yourself why you "need" to tell him off.

it is okay and natural to feel the anger, most of us have been there; i wanted a sense of justice myself. personally, i have found that when ive been able to sit with and accept my anger, without acting on it, with time, it sort of "melts" into a profound sense of inner peace.

and yes, it usually helps to vent, and many members feel a great deal better when they write these sorts of letters without sending them.

[rickdeckard]

I was on some forum somewhere that had an "unsent letters" area. Seemed like a good idea. The letters were only visible to members so just anyone cruising by didn't know it was a section of the forum. Fairly private. The letters weren't all rage-y, there were plenty that were incredibly sad.

I thought about starting something like "7 cups of tea" w/live support but calling it "7 cups of cathartic", where you could vent your frustrations with a live "surrogate" for your ex/boss/Family member/annoying-person-on-the-bus/whomever. Probably hard to find volunteers, though. More effort than I am capable of, though. And I already do that with my family and friends

[FigureIt]

He did a lot of mean things to you and you have every right to choose to send it. I talk with my mom all the time about what of his "issues" I deal with. She is a good catholic and she said on the day I leave for good I should tell him honestly what I truly think of him. That day is almost here and I haven't decided yet what all I will say.

[WhatJustHappened?]

For what it's worth, I did send a final email and felt great about it. I felt like I was made the fool and for my own self-confidence, needed to tell my exBPDgf how I felt about it. I even tried to call her to tell her directly but she wouldn't take the call.

I was concerned about possible fall-out but none ever came. I think she was surprised at my anger because I gave her a lot of slack throughout our relationship.

I also had the expectation that this was the last thing she would see from me. No more after that. Once you have set that expectation in your own head, I think it helps a lot.

I say if you think you will feel better, do it. This is more about you than anyone else. Just my 2 cents.

[once removed]

are we sure we want to encourage "eye for an eye" behavior in dealing with people who are mentally ill?

these are not con artists, they are not predators, we werent duped. we willingly remained in these relationships, and we shared in their dysfunction. we are on the leaving board because they are over and we (at some point, when we are ready) are working on ourselves and the direction wed like to go. what if, at the conclusion of every relationship, everyone lashed out all their pent up frustrations at their exes?

from the biology and neuroscience of breaking up (https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up):

"The intensity of the pain may be what compels some spurned lovers to do just about anything to make the hurt go away -- and that includes a host of unhealthy things ranging from demonizing their ex-partner, to excessive anger, to bashing whole groups of people.

Those with a secure attachment style... .are most likely to approach breakups with psychological integrity."

the hurt and the pain is all understandable. mourn. grieve. cry. vent. punch your pillow. these are healthy expressions, and they will help. we want our anger and hurt to be heard and validated; our exes cannot do this, but folks on this board can and are listening.

[misssouthernbelle]

I really wish I could reply to all of you! You all offered some helpful and caring insight and it means so much to me! I don't know what I would do without this site and I wish there was a way to give you likes, points, hugs, or something, so here is my hug to all of you 

I know I will continue to probably alternate between wanting to contact and being okay, like I am right now. I don't know if it's just because I had a good day, or if it's because more time is passing and my life is starting to get back to normal. I'm not sure, but I'm feeling better today.

I know I don't want to give him any more ammo, so I'm glad I didn't send it. I know he uses his ex still stalking him and begging to be friends as ammo against her craziness. Though she did come out as a lesbian after they had been together on/off for two years, I think he obviously did a number on her too, and it makes me wonder if he was just with her because she would take his crap and didn't engulf him because he wasn't really attracted to her? I'm not sure. He was so focused on her "doing him wrong" by being a lesbian the whole time that I think it's a possibility.

Anyways, I don't want that to be me because it wouldn't be true. I'm not crazy. I'm not entirely sane, but who is? I'm sane-enough to know that he's probably going to make me look like that bad guy when he walked away from me.

It still feels like I really didn't get closure, even though I did pretty much get it for myself, because I hate not knowing what happened. But, it's over.

All in all guys, thank you for the advice. It's getting easier and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he's even a thought in my head.

[once removed]

glad to hear youre doing better misssouthernbelle . i know none of this is easy, but i think thats a very mature and balanced attitude in the face of it all  .