Just one Day

[twanda2020]

I would like just one day where I didn't wake up thinking about my ex. Just one day where I didn't fall alseep thinking about my ex. Just one day of peace!

Please tell me this day will come?

The thoughts are less emotional and maybe not as constant as they were in the being, but they are there. I wish there was a quick fix for this. A lightning fast highway to detachment and moving on.

I am so over this. So tired of thinking about someone who I devoted a large amount of my life too and doesn't seem to count for anything. So tired of feeling less then because I didn't (haven't) run out to fill the void with someone new. So tired of worrying about when and if she will make contact. So tired of worring about running into her and her new GF and being triggered, set back in my progress to healing. So tired of thinking about someone that wasn't good for me, or me for her. 

I am trying so hard to surrender, accept, change my thinking, etc. Somedays it is just so hard. I just need to know it really does get easier.

[Herodias]

I don't know... .I have been separated from my stbx since Jan. We stayed in contact until I found out he had a gf. That made it all the worse for me. We legally separated in April. Now he is introducing her to his family! Neither of them are divorced! It all makes me sick, but I think about it all every darn day and I am sick of it as well. I keep wishing for a lobotomy! Maybe if we could find someone else to focus on instead of them, but it's not as easy, because we are "normal" and need to heal before moving on. Plus, I don't find it so easy to meet anyone new, especially when hurt so badly from spending 8 years with someone so insane, I don't want to make that mistake ever again! I do know the first sign is if they tell you they love you right off the bat- RUN! Good luck, but I don't have an answer... .they keep saying no contact is the only way. I am happy when I know mine is out of town... .sometimes I think distance is good. Sometimes I wish I could be like him and just turn it off... .Sometimes I wish I could just pretend in my head that the relationship is dead, or that he is dead... .Sounds awful, but I don't know how to handle the constant thinking about him. I just keep praying for answers... .I do know it's best to be out of it. The few times he has said he wanted to come home, I felt actual fear! I try to remember the bad and not the good... .It's the only way for me.

[sas1729]

It does get better. It will. It takes time. How much I cannot say; it's different for everyone. You know why you left. All of the facts are in your memory. You stood up for yourself and it's over. You protected yourself and exited a bad relationship. These are all things that you know. But I also know that you don't feel it, not to the level where you don't wake up thinking about your ex.

The hardest part for me was self-validation. My very identity had been trampled into the ground, and I was a shell of my former self. Finding myself was difficult, but that was so critical to my healing. Despite the facts, I did wonder if I made the correct decision.

Unfortunately there is no magic. You have to power through it, finding ways to rediscover who you are. I think a large part of why it's so painful and we miss our exes is because they molded our identity to be intrinsically linked to theirs. Without them who are we? This is why rediscovering yourself is crucial, I think.

It will get easier. As an extrovert I want to suggest that you go out and be with friends and meet new people. I know that this is not for everyone, though, so take it with a grain of salt. But do what you used to do before your relationship. For me, simply being with people allowed me to express myself, and I quickly realized that hey, I am an interesting person. Something clicked, and I stopped waking up thinking about my ex. There is an entire world out there, and you deserve to be loved for your genuine kindness and compassion.

Jumping into a relationship before you find yourself I don't think is a good approach. But that said, casual dating (even just meeting new people not in a dating scenario) can be a way to realize that there are genuinely kind people out there. And that you have so much to offer to a healthy relationship when you're ready. Again, take this with a grain of salt.

Ultimately, things will get easier. You will find a way to heal. And you will emerge from the storm stronger and more confident of yourself. No longer will you allow your kindness to be taken advantage of. And when you meet the right person, they will see this strength and cherish your kindness ever more for it.

[Darsha500]

Thank you all for sharing this. I too woke up this morning thinking about my ex. This grieving process is so bananas. I'll think I'm good, and that I'm over her, but then I'll be back in tears, fits of anger, or missing her and wanting her in my arms. I'm learning to just go with the flow, and unpredictability of it all. It's interesting, the behavior in our relationship was unpredictable and now the behavior in the grieving process is unpredictable. It's as if it's just a sort of extension of the relationship.

I just gotta take care of myself the best I can.

Stay strong grievers.

[Mutt]

Hi twanda2020,

Someone else said that it takes time and it does get better. I found that I felt the pain for the entire day and would wake up and fall asleep feeling incredible pain. After awhile I started feeling like my old self again for 15 minutes at a time  ( I wasn't focused on the pain ) eventually those 15 minutes windows became an 1 hour long window and then I started to feel relatively good for most of the day and eventually the pain went away. It does get easier. Hang in there.

[JohnnyShoes]

I do know the first sign is if they tell you they love you right off the bat- RUN!.

Herodias... .When I read this... its was a smack in my head... .something I NEEDED to remember... .because I have been under the train wheels of Blaming Myself... and forgetting all those little flags... .I was so so close to throwingbin the towel, breaking NC, and sacrificing what's left of me.

I knew I should've not gotten involved with her since the first date... .

But NO, I had to doubt my self... and go on a 2nd and 3rd... .I ran from her at that point, BUT ALWAYS SECOND GUESSED MY SELF.

Now I'm tangled in emotions ... .trying to look back over the relationship to see what was real/true... .and what was lies.

But Yes, when she first said I love you after the 3rd date... .when I heard it, deep inside me I SHRIEKED.  First thing I said to myself was : But she doesn't even know me!

[twanda2020]

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just moved home which is three hours away. Being in the same city and running in the same social circles makes it hard for me to want to go out. If I was closer to my family they would keep me busy and there would be no chance of running into my ex. I think about it a lot. I would have to sell the house and find a new job but sometimes it just seems easier.

I talked to my sister last night she's my voice of reason when I need it. I told her how I was feeling about being guilty about not being friends and being a no contact. She reminded me that the friendship was one-sided. That my ex has serious issues and is not capable of being my friend. That my ex will most likely crash and burn in this new relationship too because she hasn't dealt with her issues. That the best thing I can do for me is to stay away and not get involved so I can heal and move on. Which is also the best thing I can do for my ex. She needs to deal with her own issues and if she hits rock bottom I have let that happen. No saving, rescuing! I know she's right and I'm glad I have someone like her to help remind me of these thing and this board too. So many say things like this, so there is truth there.

Feeling better this afternoon. Still wishing there was a quick fix. 

 

[Mutt]

It's good to be able to have someone that you can turn and talk to and it sounds like your sister is wise.

That's good to hear that you're feeling better 

If selling your house and finding a new job helps you, I suggest listen to your intuition.

[coletown11]

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just moved home which is three hours away. Being in the same city and running in the same social circles makes it hard for me to want to go out. If I was closer to my family they would keep me busy and there would be no chance of running into my ex. I think about it a lot. I would have to sell the house and find a new job but sometimes it just seems easier.

Yeah Im in a similar boat.

Im in the process of moving closer to my friends and family, after having moved away from them and closer to her only half a year ago. I have spent every weekend with my friends and family since the split, and it has been extremely helpful. Im also able to walk around totally relaxed in knowing there isn't a chance I will run into her, which I cant do where im currently at. It helps a good deal having that piece of mind

[gameover]

One thing that's really helped me is guided meditation.  Especially before bed--I just focus on telling myself that I'm at peace, that I'm self sufficient, that I feel good about things., etc.  Here's a link if you want to give it a try.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJb55LBKPpM

Mornings are by far the worst.  That damned subconscious mind  .