Life with my BPD Mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I am 19 years old and the daughter of a mother with the character traits of BPD.  I know that I cannot diagnose her because that is extremely hard to do, even for professionals, but everything that I have read about BPD so far has described her and our situation so perfectly. She has had several abandonment issues and traumatic events in her childhood. Also, she was told by a doctor a long time ago that he strongly believed that she may suffer from anxiety.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has been completely irrational.  She goes into fits of rage, where the only thing that I can think to compare her to is a wild animal.  She cannot be tamed. She cannot be talked to. She cannot be reasoned with.  All logic is completely gone. She will accuse me or my father of saying and/or doing things that are not even possible to have been said or done and that make no sense whatsoever. She will swear that you said something that you know for certain you never did.   Then, one day, I will wake up, and she will be acting as if nothing has happened... .and no one dares to try to bring it back up because you had better take the peace while you can get it. 

Just so that you get an idea of me, I am pretty much the poster child for "goody-two-shoes." I go to work, I go to school, I'm on the dean's list, I've never been in any trouble whatsoever... .and one minute, I am the most perfect child in the world to her and she's so proud of me and she couldn't imagine a better child, but the next minute I am ruining my life and my reputation and she can't even stand to look at my because she is so disappointed. She has gone so far in her rages as to say things such as

      If I this is what 18 years of parenting gives me, then I regret the day that I had you.

      I hope that you get bitten by a snake

      If you were dying and in the hospital, I wouldn't show up.

      For all I care, you can go jump off of a bridge

   And she has also become very physically violent and ran at me while I was sitting in a chair and flipped the chair over.  She has also hit me, but never severely enough that it would leave a physical scar or bruise.

Its so hard to understand any of this because I know that she loves me beyond measure.  She has gone without so much in her life, so that I could be successful.  That's why I know that this has to be an illness.  There is no way that any rational person would be able to do and say the things that she does to someone that they love that much.

It's also important to understand that I have the most amazing father in the world.  He is very healthy and has always come to my aid.  He is going through this as much as I am.  He went through it long before I was born, and until I was old enough to also realize there was a problem as well, he went through it completely alone.  We have known for a while now that her behavior isn't normal.  However, we believed it was just anger management or hormonal.  Now that we have bother realized that it is most likely much deeper than that and have looked into BPD, we are both reaching out to get help.  I am really hoping that joining this group can help me to learn what the next step is and how to properly deal with this.  Thanks in advance for all of the help.

[bpchild]

Hi, I am 19 years old and the daughter of a mother with the character traits of BPD.  I know that I cannot diagnose her because that is extremely hard to do, even for professionals, but everything that I have read about BPD so far has described her and our situation so perfectly. She has had several abandonment issues and traumatic events in her childhood. Also, she was told by a doctor a long time ago that he strongly believed that she may suffer from anxiety.

For as long as I can remember, my mother has been completely irrational.  She goes into fits of rage, where the only thing that I can think to compare her to is a wild animal.  She cannot be tamed. She cannot be talked to. She cannot be reasoned with.  All logic is completely gone. She will accuse me or my father of saying and/or doing things that are not even possible to have been said or done and that make no sense whatsoever. She will swear that you said something that you know for certain you never did.   Then, one day, I will wake up, and she will be acting as if nothing has happened... .and no one dares to try to bring it back up because you had better take the peace while you can get it. 

Just so that you get an idea of me, I am pretty much the poster child for "goody-two-shoes." I go to work, I go to school, I'm on the dean's list, I've never been in any trouble whatsoever... .and one minute, I am the most perfect child in the world to her and she's so proud of me and she couldn't imagine a better child, but the next minute I am ruining my life and my reputation and she can't even stand to look at my because she is so disappointed. She has gone so far in her rages as to say things such as

      If I this is what 18 years of parenting gives me, then I regret the day that I had you.

      I hope that you get bitten by a snake

      If you were dying and in the hospital, I wouldn't show up.

      For all I care, you can go jump off of a bridge

   And she has also become very physically violent and ran at me while I was sitting in a chair and flipped the chair over.  She has also hit me, but never severely enough that it would leave a physical scar or bruise.

Its so hard to understand any of this because I know that she loves me beyond measure.  She has gone without so much in her life, so that I could be successful.  That's why I know that this has to be an illness.  There is no way that any rational person would be able to do and say the things that she does to someone that they love that much.

It's also important to understand that I have the most amazing father in the world.  He is very healthy and has always come to my aid.  He is going through this as much as I am.  He went through it long before I was born, and until I was old enough to also realize there was a problem as well, he went through it completely alone.  We have known for a while now that her behavior isn't normal.  However, we believed it was just anger management or hormonal.  Now that we have bother realized that it is most likely much deeper than that and have looked into BPD, we are both reaching out to get help.  I am really hoping that joining this group can help me to learn what the next step is and how to properly deal with this.  Thanks in advance for all of the help.

[Kwamina]

Hi bpchild

Dealing with a BPD parent isn't easy for a child, even when you're an adult child it's still often hard. Your mother's behavior sounds quite concerning. Do you feel (physically) safe around her?

I am glad that you do have your father around and that he has been there to help you. Is your father aware that your mother has also been physically violent towards you?

Your mother's words are very hurtful. It is good though that you are able to see that they are coming from a disordered mind. Realizing this can make it easier to not take the things she says and does that personally. Her words and behaviors aren't a reflection of who you really are at all, but a reflection of her own inner turmoil and negativity which she is projecting onto you. You can read more about projection here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

One moment your mother seems to view you as all-good and the next as all-bad. It sounds like your mother is engaging in the BPD behavior known as 'splitting', are you familiar with this term? You can read more about it here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Welcome to bpdfamily

[survivor1990]

Hey bpchild

growing up with a mother with BPD can be very damaging. The things you are told as you grow up, such as the things you have mentioned, can have a very signifcant impact on people long into their adulthood. It is great that you recognise that her unkind words are a part of her difficulties. At the same time, it doesn't mean that you need to tollerate this verbal abuse.

My mother is very much like yours, and I do have a lot of empathy for her. However, I also need to protect myself and preserve my own well being. For that reason, I have put some rules into place - for example, if she insults me I will explain that I can see that she is angry, and therefore I am going to end the conversation and we can come back to it when things have calmed down.

Do you mind me asking - do you live wth your mother?

[bpchild]

Hi survivor1990

Thank you so much for responding.  Just knowing that someone understands what is happening is extremely liberating.

Since I have realized that my mother may have BPD, I have tried that method as well.  Sometimes it works, but sometimes it makes things worse because she gets so defensive if she thinks you are suggesting that she's too angry or should calm down.

And yes, I do live with my mother.  I am a sophomore in college and I commute because I decided to stay close to home. 

I have noticed in the last few months that when I go out with my friends or my boyfriend, I begin to feel very anxious after a few hours because I haven't seen my mother in a few hours and even though I know she has nothing to be angry about and wasn't angry when I left, I will make up a reason to call her just to see if she answers angrily or hastily, seems stressed out, etc.  I am also beginning to wonder if my decision to live at home through college may have subconsciously had to do with this as well.

[bpchild]

Hi Kwamina

It helps so much to hear someone outside of the situation validate my concerns and to know that there is a whole family of people going through this as well.  Thanks for responding.

Most of the time, I feel physically safe around my mother.  I can only remember twice that her rages have become so intense that she has physically attacked me and I wasn't badly hurt either time. It has to be really bad to get to that point.  However, when she begins to rage, those times are in the back of my mind and I do not like to be home with her if my dad is not there.  Not necessarily because I think she is going to hurt me, but because those times have scared me enough to not want to take the chance.  She is so unpredictable that you can't rule out anything.

My father is only aware of the one instance, which is when my mother flipped the chair over that I was sitting in.  He walked in shortly after and saw me on the floor.  I was so stunned and terrified and I was praying that my father would walk in, so when he did, he ran over to see what happened and I immediately sobbed/shrieked "Something is wrong.  I'm so scared.  Something is really wrong, she came at me." He instantly started sobbing and saying "Oh my God, Im so sorry.  Im so sorry." and seeing how hurt he was and how he felt it was his fault somehow for not being there at the moment, I couldn't handle it... .that made me immediately come back to reality and start telling him that it was totally fine and that she did come over, but I was already unbalanced and that I was just shaken up and that it wasn't as bad as it seemed.  So, yes, he knows... .but not to the actual extent of what happened. 

I am not very familiar with the term splitting, but I will definitely read more about the term using your link.  Thank you so much again.

[Kwamina]

Hi again bpchild

It helps so much to hear someone outside of the situation validate my concerns and to know that there is a whole family of people going through this as well.

That's also what I love about this community. The people here actually know what you're talking about because they've had similar experiences.

However, when she begins to rage, those times are in the back of my mind and I do not like to be home with her if my dad is not there.  Not necessarily because I think she is going to hurt me, but because those times have scared me enough to not want to take the chance.  She is so unpredictable that you can't rule out anything.

Given the things she's done, I'd say it is very wise of you to keep your distance from your mother when she's raging. Her running at you and flipping the chair over while you were sitting in it, is something that I find really shocking and disturbing. It is horrible to have one's own mother do something like this to you.

He instantly started sobbing and saying "Oh my God, Im so sorry.  Im so sorry." and seeing how hurt he was and how he felt it was his fault somehow for not being there at the moment, I couldn't handle it... .that made me immediately come back to reality and start telling him that it was totally fine and that she did come over, but I was already unbalanced and that I was just shaken up and that it wasn't as bad as it seemed.  So, yes, he knows... .but not to the actual extent of what happened. 

Is this perhaps something you have also done in other instances, shielding your dad from the true extent of your mother's abusive behavior towards you?

[bpchild]

Kwamina,

Until this past year, I hadn't told my dad some of the more awful things my mom had said, such as:

      If I this is what 18 years of parenting gives me, then I regret the day that I had you.

      I hope that you get bitten by a snake

      If you were dying and in the hospital, I wouldn't show up.

      For all I care, you can go jump off of a bridge

I really can't say exactly why.  Part of me felt like, in some way, it would hurt him too much... .which I realize doesn't make a whole lot of sense considering I'm the one that these things were said to.  Another part of me felt like I just couldn't admit it to anyone, ever.  Its almost as if I felt embarrassed by it.  Again, I'm not sure why.