The real reason it's hard to leave

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After yet another surreal night with my BPD wife I've come to the conclusion that the real reason it's so hard to leave is that I just want it all to go away. My mind and world is fairly logical, so I expect most the time a linear reaction to any action. This DOES NOT HAPPEN with a BPD. My utter disbelief at what she says when coming up with yet one more whacked out reason why our relationship doesn't work just boggles the mind. How many times in the past I've wakened in the morning with "surely that didn't happen, surely I'm just confused" is beyond count.

I entered this relationship after a two year hiatus from a 20 year relationship with my ex-wife, who in hindsight was also BPD. My big mistake here was to feel guilty in some way for my previous divorce, that I was somehow to blame. That of course telegraphed into "I am going to be the adult and work through this relationship until we get past this trouble spot", because that's what all of modern society has drummed into my head. The BS delusion in modern society that everyone is the same and entitled to love is completely wrong and very destructive here.

I hated splitting with my first wife, I hated working through the divorce and the pain. It's thus very logical to not want to repeat that experience with my present wife. I thought I was very careful when I met my 2nd wife so that she wouldn't "be like that". I vetted her with my friends and family and thought that they felt she was a vast improvement over my 1st wife. I of course noted small discontinuities in her behavior, but who doesn't have these? When she reached the "melt down" stage of the BPD relationship I was shocked to my bone marrow. I felt myself suddenly spiraling down the same drain I was in for the last 20 years. Hence the continuing mantra: "I just want it all to go away". Ha ha, life isn't ever that easy!

Now my wife is firmly entrenched in the "hater" phase after cycling radically between the clinger/hater business for the last several years. And every day I "just wanted it to go away". In some ways her hate may turn out good because she may choose to remove every vestige of my persona from her life, hopefully most of my retirement savings as well. When Nietzsche said "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger", he was definitely speaking about relationships with BPD.

[TheRealJongoBong]

After yet another surreal night with my BPD wife I've come to the conclusion that the real reason it's so hard to leave is that I just want it all to go away. My mind and world is fairly logical, so I expect most the time a linear reaction to any action. This DOES NOT HAPPEN with a BPD. My utter disbelief at what she says when coming up with yet one more whacked out reason why our relationship doesn't work just boggles the mind. How many times in the past I've wakened in the morning with "surely that didn't happen, surely I'm just confused" is beyond count.

I entered this relationship after a two year hiatus from a 20 year relationship with my ex-wife, who in hindsight was also BPD. My big mistake here was to feel guilty in some way for my previous divorce, that I was somehow to blame. That of course telegraphed into "I am going to be the adult and work through this relationship until we get past this trouble spot", because that's what all of modern society has drummed into my head. The BS delusion in modern society that everyone is the same and entitled to love is completely wrong and very destructive here.

I hated splitting with my first wife, I hated working through the divorce and the pain. It's thus very logical to not want to repeat that experience with my present wife. I thought I was very careful when I met my 2nd wife so that she wouldn't "be like that". I vetted her with my friends and family and thought that they felt she was a vast improvement over my 1st wife. I of course noted small discontinuities in her behavior, but who doesn't have these? When she reached the "melt down" stage of the BPD relationship I was shocked to my bone marrow. I felt myself suddenly spiraling down the same drain I was in for the last 20 years. Hence the continuing mantra: "I just want it all to go away". Ha ha, life isn't ever that easy!

Now my wife is firmly entrenched in the "hater" phase after cycling radically between the clinger/hater business for the last several years. And every day I "just wanted it to go away". In some ways her hate may turn out good because she may choose to remove every vestige of my persona from her life, hopefully most of my retirement savings as well. When Nietzsche said "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger", he was definitely speaking about relationships with BPD.

[Learning_curve74]

Sorry to hear you're having so much frustration over your relationship especially considering how much work you were putting into it after having split from your first wife. 

Feeling that you just want it to go away is a normal feeling when in bad relationships. However, since you're logical, it doesn't seem like staying is the logical course of action when you feel that way. Do you also feel stuck since you thought you were going to work hard enough to make this marriage work unlike your first marriage? Do you feel drained of energy just not wanting to fight anymore?

Hang in there! 

[Mutt]

Hi TheRealJongoBong,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

Do you feel dread because you hated splitting with your first wife and working through the divorce and pain and that you don't want to go through this experience again?

[TheRealJongoBong]

I certainly do dread going through a divorce with this woman. Not only do I get to endure the standard pain of this process, the lawyers, the awful paperwork, the probable loss of most or all of my retirement savings, I also get to endure whatever crazy-making response from her this step is going to make. She says she no longer wants me in her life, but it seems likely she's just enjoying grinding this particular boot heel into me. When the real deal begins I have absolutely no clue how she's going to react, and that scares me.

[Mutt]

I can relate with how that feels like when you say "I wanted everything to go away" with the clinger / hater stage.

It sounds like you're walking on eggshells.

She says she no longer wants me in her life, but it seems likely she's just enjoying grinding this particular boot heel into me.

Have you decided that you're done or are you waiting on her to make the move?

Is it leaving that has you scared?