Power

[workinprogress]

Power:a. The ability or capacity to act or do something effectively.

www.thefreedictionary.com/power

As part of my effort to understand how I got so far off track in my relationship, I have been doing a lot of reading, self-analysis, and lifting weights.  One thing that I have really noticed in my readings (I am reading multiple books at a time) is the concept of power.  Power is something that I never really thought much about in my life.  I think it is dawning upon me how important it really is in life.  I am starting to believe that action is power.

The first step was for me to understand that I surrendered my own personal power to my uBPDw.  I realize that basically she is a bully.  I allowed my need to please her to give up my self-respect and my power.  Again, these BPD's are bullies who refuse to deal with their inner childhood pain.  They deserve our sympathy, but ultimately they have to face themselves in the mirror and make their own adjustments in life.

So, what I've been reading is varied.  The Bible mentions "The Spirit of Power, Love, and of a Sound Mind."  God is often referred to as "Powerful" in the Psalms.

I am also reading the Book of Enoch, a book that was excluded from the Bible, and it has been a bit of a disturbing read.  I'm not going to go into all the details of it, but it also focuses a great deal on God's Power.  An interesting passage that I read tonight mentioned a vision of "7 Metal Mountains" containing valuable minerals which an angel said, "All these things that thou hast seen shall serve the dominion of His Anointed that he may be potent and mighty on the earth."

Another good read is Power:  Why Some People Have It and Others Don't.  I highly recommend it.  It has a great deal to do with personal power and learning how to have confidence, take risks, and create power in your life and work.

I can't believe that I gave up the power in my life.  I attempted to be "likable" and "respectable."  The bottom line is, it made me miserable.  So, I continue to slowly turn things around.  I have greatly improved my work situation over the last 6 months, and I have also been sculpting my body into something I am starting to have more appreciation for.

My next steps are to become more assertive in my marriage, instead of being a "hen-pecked husband," as one of my wife's friends referred to me as.

The biggest thing is not to be afraid to step out of your comfort zone!

[fromheeltoheal]

The biggest thing is not to be afraid to step out of your comfort zone!

And even if we're afraid, do it anyway.  Courage is not the absence of fear, it's action in the face of it.  And courage isn't something we get, it's something we do, a set of empowering beliefs.  

Good for you WIP, great area of focus.  There's a difference between power and control too, which shows up when two powerful people meet, the best resolution being to channel both powers in a common direction instead of at each other, which just creates a power struggle.  And another piece is what do we use that power for, to impose it on others or prevent others from imposing there's on us, an offensive or defensive stance.  These issues come up when we embolden our personal power, and they're great issues to have!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey workinprogress, I agree:

The first step was for me to understand that I surrendered my own personal power to my uBPDw.  I realize that basically she is a bully.  I allowed my need to please her to give up my self-respect and my power.  Again, these BPD's are bullies who refuse to deal with their inner childhood pain.  They deserve our sympathy, but ultimately they have to face themselves in the mirror and make their own adjustments in life.

My BPDxW is a bully, which I suspect comes from a place of deep insecurity.  Like all bullies, she uses fear to intimidate, through physical violence (smashing things, punching holes in the wall, breaking down doors) as well verbal threats and abuse.  I was under the mistaken impression that it was my job as her husband to defer to her and gave away my power.  She isolated me from friends and family, and pressured me to give up the things that brought me the joy.  At the end, I was a shell of my former self.  No more.  Now we're divorced and I'm back on my path.

LuckyJim

[workinprogress]

Hey workinprogress, I agree:

The first step was for me to understand that I surrendered my own personal power to my uBPDw.  I realize that basically she is a bully.  I allowed my need to please her to give up my self-respect and my power.  Again, these BPD's are bullies who refuse to deal with their inner childhood pain.  They deserve our sympathy, but ultimately they have to face themselves in the mirror and make their own adjustments in life.

My BPDxW is a bully, which I suspect comes from a place of deep insecurity.  Like all bullies, she uses fear to intimidate, through physical violence (smashing things, punching holes in the wall, breaking down doors) as well verbal threats and abuse.  I was under the mistaken impression that it was my job as her husband to defer to her and gave away my power.  She isolated me from friends and family, and pressured me to give up the things that brought me the joy.  At the end, I was a shell of my former self.  No more.  Now we're divorced and I'm back on my path.

LuckyJim

Lucky Jim, I have to admit, the thought of divorce has been entering my mind regularly now.  My youngest is now 15, and I am holding on a bit for him.

Also, it occurred to me today, that it was much easier to hand over my power as opposed to defend it.  I think I learned to give up my power from my mom.  She had raging anger that she regularly displayed to my brother and I.  I would watch him stand up to her and pay the consequences.  I learned to shut up and go into a shell.  For some reason, my childhood has really been haunting me lately, even 40 years later.

[Lucky Jim]

workinprogress, I understand.  My mother was much the same and would blow her top from time to time.  I learned to travel under the radar.  Then I ended up recreating much the same dynamic in my marriage by marrying a pwBPD.  As you note, most personal issues have their roots in our FOO.  In some ways, a BPD r/s forces you to confront these unresolved issues from childhood, which is beneficial albeit painful.  You are on the right track, I think, by taking back your power.  You give an inch here and an inch there in a BPD marriage, and pretty soon you've lost a mile.  Glad you are gaining back some of that lost ground.  I have kids, too, which is why I stayed as long as I did, but eventually I used up all my reserves by staying, until there was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak.

LuckyJim

[workinprogress]

workinprogress, I understand.  My mother was much the same and would blow her top from time to time.  I learned to travel under the radar.  Then I ended up recreating much the same dynamic in my marriage by marrying a pwBPD.  As you note, most personal issues have their roots in our FOO.  In some ways, a BPD r/s forces you to confront these unresolved issues from childhood, which is beneficial albeit painful.  You are on the right track, I think, by taking back your power.  You give an inch here and an inch there in a BPD marriage, and pretty soon you've lost a mile.  Glad you are gaining back some of that lost ground.  I have kids, too, which is why I stayed as long as I did, but eventually I used up all my reserves by staying, until there was nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak.

LuckyJim

Thanks Lucky Jim.  My tank has been running very low.  My attempts at communicating with her have come to nothing.  She just doesn't respond or says "I don't know."  It is hard to continue in this way. 

I think she is planning on leaving.  She rarely communicates with me.  She works out all the time.  I'm at my wits end on what to do with her.  So, I continue to work on myself.  It makes for kind of a lonely life.

[jhkbuzz]

When I read the original post, I couldn't help thinking that what you're really referring to is not power, but boundaries.

[workinprogress]

When I read the original post, I couldn't help thinking that what you're really referring to is not power, but boundaries.

That has occurred to me, too.  Maybe setting boundaries is what creates power?

In reference to Lucky Jim, I would give anything to have the woman I married back.  I am beginning to realize that she is gone and will never come back.

[jhkbuzz]

When I read the original post, I couldn't help thinking that what you're really referring to is not power, but boundaries.

That has occurred to me, too.  Maybe setting boundaries is what creates power?

In reference to Lucky Jim, I would give anything to have the woman I married back.  I am beginning to realize that she is gone and will never come back.

I think you're on to something, workinprogress.

And in reference to your comment to Lucky Jim: I began to heal when I accepted that, in many ways, the woman I met was a mirage. Not that I was intentionally "duped" - it's just part of the disorder.

[workinprogress]

When I read the original post, I couldn't help thinking that what you're really referring to is not power, but boundaries.

That has occurred to me, too.  Maybe setting boundaries is what creates power?

In reference to Lucky Jim, I would give anything to have the woman I married back.  I am beginning to realize that she is gone and will never come back.

So, my theory on power is, it's setting boundaries, knowing what you want, taking action to fulfill those wants, and protecting yourself and your needs. 

I think you're on to something, workinprogress.

And in reference to your comment to Lucky Jim: I began to heal when I accepted that, in many ways, the woman I met was a mirage. Not that I was intentionally "duped" - it's just part of the disorder.

[workinprogress]

I'm noticing a shift in myself.  I'm not sure really what is happening, but I'm going to go with it for now.

#1.  I'm reading The Book of Enoch and it has literally scared the crap out of me, kinda.  It is really making me look at my behaviors in life and I think I wasted many many years.  I want to get on the right path and I want to live a life worth living.

#2.  I'm reading Dr. Benjamin Carson's book and I am amazed at not only what he did with his life, but, why he did it.  It's a good read, I highly recommend it!

So, I'm beginning to believe that power comes from setting boundaries (so we don't waste our time on BPD like people), focusing on our higher calling in life, sticking to our higher calling and not being taken off course (more boundaries), and loving and caring for the people in our lives.  Firstly though, would be following our higher calling and associating with people who respect and honor that.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm noticing a shift in myself.  I'm not sure really what is happening, but I'm going to go with it for now.

#1.  I'm reading The Book of Enoch and it has literally scared the crap out of me, kinda.  It is really making me look at my behaviors in life and I think I wasted many many years.  I want to get on the right path and I want to live a life worth living.

#2.  I'm reading Dr. Benjamin Carson's book and I am amazed at not only what he did with his life, but, why he did it.  It's a good read, I highly recommend it!

So, I'm beginning to believe that power comes from setting boundaries (so we don't waste our time on BPD like people), focusing on our higher calling in life, sticking to our higher calling and not being taken off course (more boundaries), and loving and caring for the people in our lives.  Firstly though, would be following our higher calling and associating with people who respect and honor that.

Indeed!

[foggydew]

So, I'm beginning to believe that power comes from setting boundaries (so we don't waste our time on BPD like people), focusing on our higher calling in life, sticking to our higher calling and not being taken off course (more boundaries), and loving and caring for the people in our lives.  Firstly though, would be following our higher calling and associating with people who respect and honor that.

I have a bit of a problem with this. If the BPD person was suffering from some other type of disorder, like depression, cancer, or MS, would you still call it wasting time? Then you talk about loving and caring for people in our lives. And a higher calling. What could that be? Honestly, no idea. For me, the higher calling (which I am for sure not well fitted) IS caring for those who can't care well for themselves.

[TheRealJongoBong]

I remember the day when I surrendered my power to my wife. We had been remodeling our kitchen and she started bullying me about it's progress. I asserted myself like I taught myself after my first marriage, she came right back even harder and I snapped back into the "you can push me around" guy I was in my first marriage. For months it felt like I was been whirled into the same vortex of despair that I was in before. I had lost my power. I had sold myself for love.

Understand, I never had a strong power base to begin with. I was the last of 5 kids in a family where the father was mostly absent and the mother only wanted to deal with the good stuff. A lot of the time it was Lord of the Flies, and I did it everybody else's way or it was the highway. My father usually only interacted with me for punishment, and my mother generally only payed attention to me when I was a "good boy". I was very intelligent and my self esteem had the strength of a cobweb.

So in many ways being in a BPD relationship has been a very good thing for me. It's forced me to look at my past in an unbiased manner, and made me understand where the roots of my power lies. I no longer react to my wife when the abuse starts, when she tries to manipulate me into doing things I don't want to do. I don't need to sell a part of myself in sad attempts to buy love from others.

My power has helped me to build boundaries. My boundaries are my power.

[workinprogress]

So, I'm beginning to believe that power comes from setting boundaries (so we don't waste our time on BPD like people), focusing on our higher calling in life, sticking to our higher calling and not being taken off course (more boundaries), and loving and caring for the people in our lives.  Firstly though, would be following our higher calling and associating with people who respect and honor that.

I have a bit of a problem with this. If the BPD person was suffering from some other type of disorder, like depression, cancer, or MS, would you still call it wasting time? Then you talk about loving and caring for people in our lives. And a higher calling. What could that be? Honestly, no idea. For me, the higher calling (which I am for sure not well fitted) IS caring for those who can't care well for themselves.

Good points.  I'm no expert on anything, but I'm thinking that if you have an ill family member then they are the priority until they get back on their feet.  Ultimately though, a man has to have a higher calling.  This is created in us in a way.  Being raised by BPD families can extinguish the awareness of this.

I see it in my kids.  I have guided them, but I have allowed them to make their own choices and follow their own paths.  They have gravitated to arts/sciences and spend hours of their own free time working on projects that bring them passion in their lives.  This entails creating music, painting, studying scientific research, and so forth.  They have rich fulfilling inner lives that come from being in touch with themselves and their calling/passion in life. 

As for "wasting" time on BPD relationships, they don't hang around people who take more from them than they give back.  They stay focused on building their lives.

I hope this makes sense.

[workinprogress]

I remember the day when I surrendered my power to my wife. We had been remodeling our kitchen and she started bullying me about it's progress. I asserted myself like I taught myself after my first marriage, she came right back even harder and I snapped back into the "you can push me around" guy I was in my first marriage. For months it felt like I was been whirled into the same vortex of despair that I was in before. I had lost my power. I had sold myself for love.

Understand, I never had a strong power base to begin with. I was the last of 5 kids in a family where the father was mostly absent and the mother only wanted to deal with the good stuff. A lot of the time it was Lord of the Flies, and I did it everybody else's way or it was the highway. My father usually only interacted with me for punishment, and my mother generally only payed attention to me when I was a "good boy". I was very intelligent and my self esteem had the strength of a cobweb.

So in many ways being in a BPD relationship has been a very good thing for me. It's forced me to look at my past in an unbiased manner, and made me understand where the roots of my power lies. I no longer react to my wife when the abuse starts, when she tries to manipulate me into doing things I don't want to do. I don't need to sell a part of myself in sad attempts to buy love from others.

My power has helped me to build boundaries. My boundaries are my power.

TRBG, that's great!

[jhkbuzz]

So, I'm beginning to believe that power comes from setting boundaries (so we don't waste our time on BPD like people), focusing on our higher calling in life, sticking to our higher calling and not being taken off course (more boundaries), and loving and caring for the people in our lives.  Firstly though, would be following our higher calling and associating with people who respect and honor that.

I have a bit of a problem with this. If the BPD person was suffering from some other type of disorder, like depression, cancer, or MS, would you still call it wasting time? Then you talk about loving and caring for people in our lives. And a higher calling. What could that be? Honestly, no idea. For me, the higher calling (which I am for sure not well fitted) IS caring for those who can't care well for themselves.

A higher calling is indeed caring for those who can't care well for themselves... .but we shouldn't fool ourselves into thinking that a codependent r/s with someone who has mental health issues fits the definition of a "higher calling." It certainly fulfills something, but it's not a higher calling.  Typically, it's dysfunctional on both sides.

[foggydew]

I do agree with you. However, there doesn't have to be codependency. Having had to care for/deal with a stepson with schizophrenia and a stepdaughter with bipolar, I'm a bit sensitive. And it seems that often  people with mental illness are just written off, particularly the BPD people.

[jhkbuzz]

I do agree with you. However, there doesn't have to be codependency. Having had to care for/deal with a stepson with schizophrenia and a stepdaughter with bipolar, I'm a bit sensitive. And it seems that often  people with mental illness are just written off, particularly the BPD people.

No insult intended, I hope it's not taken that way. Just shining an honest light on it - and I include myself in that light!

Caring for a child is a whole different ballgame, by the way. That must be difficult and draining for you. 

And just for the record: I didn't write off my ex - she chose to leave. While I can say that loved her very much, I also recognize that a healthy, intimate r/s is next to impossible for her. And I sure don't want the "parentified" r/s that our r/s somehow devolved into. Friendship? Perhaps, but that would be far in the future and even then I'm not certain. I feel for her - mental health issues are very difficult to deal with - but I also feel for, and need to emotionally protect, myself. Especially in light of the fact that we are both adults.