Curious behavior

[TheRealJongoBong]

Hi,

My uBPD wife has started even more peculiar behavior and I would like some perspective. She has been for several years accusing me of horrible things, but lately has said she's afraid of me. She moved out of our bedroom together into another and is now locking the door. She says she "just wants to mind her own business" and otherwise not interact with me at all. She is also sequestering our dog because he always wants to hang out with me instead of her. Should I be concerned with this behavior? She has never done it before. She's also stated that she wants me to move out but I say f*** that, if she doesn't like me she can move out.

Is this just one more method to yank my chain or is something important happening?

[sirius]

I have been through the same thing on my 9th year with my BPDex in 2010. She started to say that we were like housemates and I and my dog have to sleep in the spare room. This goes on for 4 to 6 months. During that time, she suggested a trial separation ans she sleep at her parents on weekends. Once or twice a week she would be nice to me or tell me to sleep beside her. 6 months later I found out she had lied to me about a lot of things and I went off to visit my mother for a few days. She then begged me to come home then that behaviour ended.

4 years later, we broke up in 2014. I found out the truth of the entire 13 years. During that time in 2010 when she was doing these things, she has a lot of enablers, she was saying she is afraid of me, she doesnt talk to me and annoyed of my presence. She was on the phone with male collegues and always goes out partying where she lied to me that she was with her sister or parents.

That is my experience and your sounds the same.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Thanks Sirius. I'm just wondering if this behavior is going to escalate to the point that I'll come home some day and the locks will be changed. She hasn't wanted to get close to me for many weeks now, not that I especially mind since she got to be very controlling about anything sexual.

[Pretty Woman]

They are skilled actors/actresses.  While mine was telling me she was madly in love with me... .she was telling all her "enablers" (I don't call them friends because she talks horribly about them... .unless she needs them) that I abused her, am manipulative and should be locked up. Of course I find this out years into our "" relationship... .or whatever this was.

Anyone who knows me knows I am not abusive. I run a social group in the community with 400 members. I'm pretty visible. I volunteer a lot and am a hard-worker with a great job (that I could have lost when I spiraled into depression over this a year and a half ago).  I am contemplating running for a local government position.

Let me tell you... .so glad I am no longer in this.  I work with her sister and the sister has threatened my career. The only reason I haven't gone to HR is because this is so embarassing and immature. I've saved all emails and texts... .anything that can help me should she follow through. I just don't want to stoop to her bullying and abuse.

We are painted worse than a Disney villian and we did nothing, absolutely NOTHING to deserve it.

[cloudten]

In my opinion... .whether a woman has BPD or not... .any time a woman wants space or seeks space... .it is because she wants to be or is involved with someone else.

I am not saying this is the case in your case, but I would be very very suspicious.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Cloudten, the thought has certainly crossed my mind. She accused me for years (and from all appearances still believes it) of having affairs with gay men. Seeing as most of what she has said is telegraphed from her own feelings, and her statements that when her past relationships went sour she would just "go get a new one", it all makes a grisly sort of sense. I'll keep my eyes open.

Here's a good one too. In the last few weeks she's also decided that she's codependent (I'm the narcissist, of course) and has started to go to codependents anonymous. Maybe she's searching for fresh meat since I'm not playing the game anymore.

[sirius]

Thanks Sirius. I'm just wondering if this behavior is going to escalate to the point that I'll come home some day and the locks will be changed. She hasn't wanted to get close to me for many weeks now, not that I especially mind since she got to be very controlling about anything sexual.

Mine did not do it, in fact she comes and goes as if I dont exist, whenever i wanted to speak to her in person, she would say I dont want to talk, even we are living in the same roof, she wanted to text. She would still inform me where she is going and sex was 0 at that time. Mine seems to calm down but kept ignoring me and avoiding me during that time. She kept saying we were not meant to be, we should consider properly of our relationship, we should give ourselves time and all that sort of things. She seems to be keeping tabs on me while acting cold. Its a very weird phase. And she was not threatening, very calm. No arguments or quarrels.

[sirius]

In my opinion... .whether a woman has BPD or not... .any time a woman wants space or seeks space... .it is because she wants to be or is involved with someone else.

I am not saying this is the case in your case, but I would be very very suspicious.

What you said here is quite accurate. Years later after the break up, during that period of time she wanted space, she was infact having affairs with several guys. I found phone records and text messages of that period after we have broken up. If I would have looked more closely and dont believe what she told me and sniff around or snooped around, I would have caught her easily, I did not because I trusted her. She was accusing me of affairs for the past 9 years during that time.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Thanks Sirius. I'm just wondering if this behavior is going to escalate to the point that I'll come home some day and the locks will be changed. She hasn't wanted to get close to me for many weeks now, not that I especially mind since she got to be very controlling about anything sexual.

Mine did not do it, in fact she comes and goes as if I dont exist, whenever i wanted to speak to her in person, she would say I dont want to talk, even we are living in the same roof, she wanted to text. She would still inform me where she is going and sex was 0 at that time. Mine seems to calm down but kept ignoring me and avoiding me during that time. She kept saying we were not meant to be, we should consider properly of our relationship, we should give ourselves time and all that sort of things. She seems to be keeping tabs on me while acting cold. Its a very weird phase. And she was not threatening, very calm. No arguments or quarrels.

From what I've read this is behaviorally like a narcissist where they ignore you while you are trying to speak to them and try to keep tabs on you while at the same time wanting space. Generally I have read that when someone with a disorder like this is wanting space or getting quiet generally they are involved with someone who is giving them new "supply." And in particular when they accuse you of things that you know you aren't doing it may be a sign that they themselves are involved in the accusatory behavior.

Knowing my ex, my first thought would be there is someone they are hiding from you.

[sirius]

What you say is true, at that time she has many enablers and she was very deep into the things she accused me of. Somehow when i found out a small part of her lies and left to my mom's to clear my head, she panicked and all this weird behaviour ended, then 6 months after that it started again for one month and then back to the usual BPD relationship again.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Well. All of your input coupled with the behaviors I've observed makes me seriously consider something is not quite what it seems to be. It's hard to believe she's been sneaking around for years without letting something slip, since she telegraphs virtually everything going on in her life. It's also kind of clear she's shopping around for a new supply so maybe that's it. Sex has always been a focus of hers, and since she destroyed our sex life she hasn't been getting any.

I think I will take these behavior changes more seriously than I have up to now. Thanks for the input!