should I have called 911?

[ProfDaddy]

I traveled to New England to spend time with DS11 while he is between a summer program and the year-round program at his new RTC.  After a typical rough start, he did well in their summer program, well enough that I was comfortable taking him off campus for a few days... .but not well enough that he is ready for a home visit.  I came down myself so that he would be easier to manage, to spare my wife and D14 the drama, and let D14 start high school this week.

The weekend started well enough, he met me at the airport, we went to a hotel room near the commuter rail, and headed into Boston yesterday morning, to hit the aquarium and science museum.  The trip was a combination late birthday present and celebration that he did well at the end of the summer RTC camp.  Having an experience rather than stuff for his birthday helps with his OCD. DS11 did well initially, once was overwhelmed by a crowd but after getting grumpy said so and was able to redirect to another's activity.  He really got stuck by the gift shop, the only way to exit.  i said in advance, multiple times, that we weren't even going into gift shops, since the trip is about people, not stuff. 

Anyhow, S11 was really upset at me for the no gift shop rule, rude, argumentative.  He also said he was hungry.  So I bought him a snack and water, we sat by the harbor until the frustration ran its course, then went to see the Imax movie on humpback whales.  He was able to enjoy the rest of the day, sort of, after that.  We went to lunch and then the Boston Science Museum.  He had a very short attention span and was very hard to engage and teach at any of the exhibiits.  His mind was racing in the past or the present, not able to easily focus on the here-and-now. Quite sad at one of the country's premier science teaching facilities.  He burnt out quickly thee and was ready to ride the subway and commuter rail back to the car.  Another good choice.

He was able to negotiate public transit very well. During the car ride, however, he was unable to negotiate a stop i made to consider replacing my shoes, which were starting to fall apart.  All his anxiety and frustration about the visit came out in the store, as insistance that i buy him something.  He got going with some really BPD typical rants, all aimed at engaging me in a fight to mask his feelings.  He would not leave the store for 30 minutes, after that he stepped outside and was verbally insulting for 30 minutes in the parking lot.  I followed all the training from the RTCs and validated his emotions while maintaining clear limits about behavior.  This didn't get the intended fight out of me, so he ran off in the fields around the parking lot.  I did my best to keep him in view and reminded him that he can run off energy but can't go out of view 

S11 then switched to punching, kicking, and hitting me as hard as he could, for quite a while.  I considered calling 911, which he was then screaming for me to do.  It just didn't feel like the right thing to do.  He desperately wanted me to confirm that was what he needed. I felt like that call would have been playing into his manipulation.  Instead, I initiated a holding for 20 minutes.  He continued to be verbally and physically aggressive.  I let him go when he was calmer and said he could be safe.  It still took another 30 minutes before he was calm enough to drive anywhere.

in processing the emotions afterward, S11 felt horrible, empty inside, like he deserved nothing.  He very much wanted me to be angry.  I shared that my two big emotions were sadness and disappointment -- I know he can do better than that evening, he did so all day.  I am also sad that he is suffering so badly.  Anger would just mask those two emotions.  He really wanted me to be angry and persists on the idea, I asked if that's another of his emotions about himself that he is trying to give to me.

Now for consequences.  I haven't said much specific about consequences, other than he is going to have a small world for the last two days of the visit.  No movies or TV, quiet time together.  This afternoon we go to meet people from the year round program at the RTC, after which he was going to have 1 more night at the hotel with me.  His behavior hasn't been safe enough to earn another night at the hotel, I'm not comfortable managing him on my own (and am still bruised from his violence yesterday).  I'll tell him that decision when at the RTC and I have backup. 

In the end, the big question that sticks in my mind is whether I should have called 911?  The message from his previous RTC was that if he had a violent rage episode when under my supervision, the consequence would be that I would call 911, since I don't have a staff to keep him safe.  Did i blow it and sheild him from a real world consequence to selfishly avoid some public drama?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DisneyMom]

I think you did an amazing job with your son. Remaining calm and not getting dragged into the anger is so key to ending BPD rages. I would not have called 911. It sounds like you had the situation under control while he was raging. Going to the hospital often creates many more long term problems than it solves. It creates big attention, and I think can even reinforce that kind of behavior. My DD sometimes says "she is not safe" when she is really angry. Rather than head to the hospital, I stay with her and keep validating. When the mood passes, she is fine. I would call the authorities if she is making threats against her safety, AND she storms off away from home by herself in a rage, or she isn't with me and I can't confirm with anyone else that they are with her and monitoring carefully.

[mggt]

Dear Prodaddy. I think you did the right thing by not calling the police .  I can only imagine your sons frustration not sure how long it has been since you have spent nights with him but maybe you not calling the police made him somehow feel better if you did call the police Im sure it would have harmed him more than help this is just my opinion never know with our bps what is the right thing to do .  Hang in there and god bless is he at Mcleans ?  I heard alot of good things about that facility   

[thefixermom]

I agree with the others that you did right to not call 911.  While 911 can be a consequence of violent behavior, I did not sense your physical well being was in danger since you appear strong and capable of handling your son... .well done. And I think that in the long run, your having allowed the time for him to ride this out the way you did, it will be a reminder and a discouragement for him to go there again... .to some degree anyway.  One thought crossed my mind. I wonder if cramming both the aquarium and the science museum into one day was just too much to ask.  When you indicated it was a shame that he couldn't enjoy such a good museum, I felt a twinge about that... .like the caliber of museum made you feel he should be taking advantage of it and that indicated a type of invalidation.  Perhaps it would have been better had you two visited the aquarium and then after that seek something more along the lines of a physical outlet, be it a walk in the park or a game of badminton or something that would engage you both in a happy bonding sort of way while allowing him to release some pent up energy. I know for myself that I can only take so much intellectual stimulation before I start stirring inside and need to run, jump, play and I'm 60 years old! Perhaps as an 11 year old it's even more intense.

[twojaybirds]

You did awesome.  No need for 911 at that point.

I do wonder about the consequences.  Often those with BPD do not learn with consequences that are not direct cause-effect.

I have found in my situation a few things:

TV/Movies have been a way for my dd and I to sit and be together without the strain of conversation or over stimulation yet  it allows for us to talk about the movie without pushing personal limits. Of course it can allow the conversation to broaden but it does not have to.

I also talk to my dd about experiences like this as learning. We all need to learn about ourselves, our limits, our boundaries, etc.  Having a not too long conversation about what happened.  You can owe up to your part perhaps admitting you tried to do too much in one day and in retrospect next time you will... .then have your son give his thoughts.  I remind my dd to color even being in her 20's.  It is our code for when she was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital they used coloring as a calming tactic. 


for loving and caring your son!

[ProfDaddy]

Thanks for the responses.  Fixermom and twojaybirds are right on target -- too much in one day, no physical outlet, and the consequences aren't working right.  DS11 spent 2 years in an RTC where "his world got smaller" after an outburst.  He still has outbursts.  Time for a different model, but I need to wrap my head around that. 

DS11 struggled a few times today, when we went to breakfast, when we went to spend the afternoon at the RTC, and afterwards at a "win crap with a claw" machine in a laundromat.  This time he didn't go so far off the deep end.  It feels random, like there's no progress sometimes.  Nobody feels safe, especially not DS11. 

[ProfDaddy]

Well... .I was initially inclined to agree, too much for him.  On further thought, the idea has been disturbing me this evening. There's always something that sets DS11 off.  He can't exist in normal life situations.  Last month it was a home visit that was too much for him, this month it is a stop in a store.  There was a phone conversation where he obsessed about a bicycle, argued, and hung up.  This afternoon it was a vending machine in a laundromat.  Why the frack should I be thrilled that he didn't start hitting, kicking, and punching because I didn't give him a quarter to waste?  I can't predict when he's going to get overwhelmed.  It isn't reasonable to walk on eggshells around him.  We're headed to a second RTC because 7 years of inpatient and outpatient treatment hasn't worked.  A cornucopia of benzos, alpha blockers, antipsychotics, but he still goes kaboom for hours.  He has great emotional insight, but moments of absolutely no control.  I'm worried that he will never be able to exist in an environment without serious amounts of structure.  Emotionally, bringing him into any family situation is like letting a bull loose in a china shop.  Keeping him in an RTC is the only way I can preserve my sanity and keep the rest of my family together.  It is also the only way I can work and keep my job -- schools can't manage him, so it always falls back on me.  Three days with him and my patience is wearing thin.  He's my son, I love him, love being with him, but also can't wait to hand off responsibility to the RTC tomorrow.  This is a mess, it has always been a mess, and I don't see a way out.

[treefrog]

Profdaddy.

My heart goes out to you! I have to say I am extremely confused by some of the responses of "great job". You did what felt right in the moment. That is all any of us can do.

If I understand correctly your son is 11?  For now you can put him in a "hold" when he is physically violent. And  you do not feel it is safe to have him around your wife or daughter? What happens when he is 21? And he takes it to that level of violence?

So many times I felt that if I could keep my dd24 "abuse" directed at me ( instead of my husband and son, etc.) that it was "manageable". It just doesn't stop there... .If the pwBPD in our life were not our child, what would people advise us to do?

I don't know what the correct thing to do is either. And I know that all the options are horrific. NC, LC, even using all the tools won't give us a relationship with our child that feels normal and healthy. Just "healthier".

In the end we are left with unconditional love, grief, and undying hope. It is heartbreaking!

Just know that you are not alone in the confusion.

Sending out love and support

Treefrog

[lbjnltx]

Perhaps off campus visits are not in anyones' best interest at this time.  

It seems to me since your son is still under the care of the RTC that they would be the ones to call in case of out of control behaviors.

Option A:  Call RTC to come pick up their client and return to RTC ASAP.

Option B:  Return son to RTC in a cooperative manner.

The RTC my d was in used both options... .off campus visits were to be kept within a 30 mile radius of the RTC just for that reason.