I feel like I have a little bit of clarity about why I am feeling so bad and lonely about being in NC with my Ex. I spent so much time molding and shaping my life around her. Trying to make her happy, comfortable, taken care of, and be with her in general. Now I am free. Free of the stress, the walking on egg shells, the waiting to see what kind of mood she is in, the finical burden of living with an unstable person, and everything else I was doing for her, for us. In 21 years I have known her I have never really stopped to think about what I want and take care of myself first. I thought if I put her first, changed my ways, got angry, got quiet, withdrew, got close, made more money, bought a house, got pets, you name it I tried it, hoping it would bring her happiness, which would bring me happiness, and she was never happy, neither was I. She suffers from depression, anxiety, and most like a personality disorder (borderline is my guess). I understand now that I can’t fix her. I can’t make her happy. I don’t know if she loved me or not. I think she did and maybe still does. I know I wasn’t always the best partner; I was not equipped with the skills to deal with this type of relationship. I know that now, but I also know I truly loved her and did the best I could at the time.
So back to my point of why this has been so hard on me, I am faced with an unknown future. I only have me to take care of, to worry about (my fur babies too ). I can do what I want when I want. This is new territory for me. My identity was so wrapped up in her. Now I am faced to face with someone I don’t know, or at least lost my connection with. I miss the comfort of the chaos, which is really kind of insane. I guess we are all a little crazy.
I feel a certain amount of relief from seeing this now. I still have a lot of healing and reconnecting to do, definitely a work in progress, but I am feeling stronger and more empowered then I have felt in a really long time. I the creator of my life and my world! I am taking my life back and will no longer define myself through someone else eyes. I will no longer try to control the uncontrolable. I am learning to love myself. I will succeed! Anything I set my mind to and feel very passionate about I can accomplish. Right now I want emotional freedom, so I can make room for new experiences, friendships, and love!
