How many of you felt relief after it ended and how soon after?

[michel71]

Hello all. I know this is a generic topic... .relief... .but I would love to hear your stories. As my relationship is dying I look back over the course of it and felt that I was mourning the loss of the relationship as it was disintegrating. With every unkind word, tear, night and day of pure agony I can't imagine how when it finally ends it could be ANY worse. I think I am going to find a great sense of relief; as a matter of fact, I envision myself having it now. Happy and content in a stress free home, buying a new couch that I LIKE, re-decorating and painting and lighting sage to clear the bad vibes out, being able to have a good restful sleep, etc. I know there will be low periods, I am not deluding myself, but overall I think my feeling will be deliverance from hell.

Thank you friends for this supportive and wonderful site.

[Michelle27]

Over the last year or two of my marriage, I realize now I was detaching for self preservation and even mourning the loss of the relationship I thought I had.  I stayed in that time because I listened to the words rather than the actions, "It'll get better".  "I will make changes."  "I will get get help."  "I screwed up and am working on it".  Etc., etc., etc...  

When I finally realized I was done and couldn't wait for those promised changes anymore, there was a HUGE sense of relief at just making the decision. It took a week to tell him because I was scared of him (we had been separated for 3 months) and I was going to do it with a therapist but finally bit the bullet and just met him in public to tell him.  The words out of his mouth were insane so I realized how absolutely right my decision was.  I stayed for 9 years after the rages started and he had the nerve to say, "you didn't give me enough of a chance to fix it".  Whatever.  Then there was stalking and other creepy behaviors and he within weeks had replacements lined up in different cities. 

Every day I am thankful for having a home that is safe every day, so much less anxiety over things and I'm working hard to work on the damage caused to my sense of self esteem, and more.  It's a freedom I never had before.

[Darsha500]

I definitely felt a sense of relief upon the end of my relationship. It occurred immediately. There was, and is this sentiment of "it's finally over." From what I've read, it seems obvious how much of ourselves we sacrifice in these relationships Inorder to keep them afloat. Once we allow the relation"ship" to sink, we can stop trying so despratly to bale out the oncoming water.

I think beginning to grieve the end of the relationship before it ends is a good idea. I predicted the end of my relationship, and so allowed myself to imagine the worst. This, I think, sort of acted like a buffer when hitting the grieving process. Sort of as if I hit the ground running.

I am so grateful to have my life back. To have my SELF back. I feel that it is only our self that we truly posses in this life. We come into this world alone and we leave it alone, it has been said. So we must honor ourselves if we are to reach any sembelence of fulfillment.

[michel71]

Yes. Losing oneself. I have been so totally distracted by the ups and downs ( mostly downs) of the relationship that other areas of my life have suffered. I am a lawyer and my work product is down. I am fuzzy headed most of the time. My boss has called me on a few things so I have to greatly it up. At some point I may have to tell my boss of my impending divorce if I can't bring by A game. I really don't want to have to do that.

Other areas have suffered like my health and my love of hobbies. I used to ski all the time. I haven't seen the snow since I married her.

My finances have suffered. She has always needed help with money. Even before I married her. Now that was purely my thing. I gave it to her. Much like the other things, I kept giving and giving until it was largely GONE. Savings gone. Inheritance spent. She hasn't worked despite our declining financial picture and my near nervous break down state.

Thankfully trusted friends have stood by me. They all want this hell to end for me. I may have a big party once its all over to celebrate the new happier me.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit scared. Scared of those times when I might ruminate too much and miss the old us, which I know is not the real us.

I have to hold onto the worst image I have of her and the resulting complete lack of trust. IN one of our recent disagreements (I asked her if she could please help me with the dishes in a very nice way) she went nuts... .she flew out of the bed and kept pushing me across the room and into the master bath, up against the shower, saying how much she hated me. This is not somebody who truly cares about you and certainly not somebody who is SANE.

[rotiroti]

The relief came in waves:

1. At the moment of the b/u - as I was driving away with our house disappearing in the rear-mirror I has this huge wave of relief come over me. I was incredibly sad at the same time realizing it would be the last time I would see it, but the fact that there was relief spoke volumes to me. It felt good to listen to my instincts for once and it's something I have done time and time again since.

2. When I had made it 7 days of n/c... .then again at 10, 30, 70+... .the relief came from the fact that I still have my dignity. I left on a loving note and it would've been selfish to break my own request to initiate contact. I know I can re-establish communication in the future once i'm fully detached.

3. Reading others' posts on here, re-connecting with friends & family, and finally taking the plunge to see a therapist. All of these things reminded me that life goes on, and it can be a beautiful one.

[FannyB]

First time around I felt pain and no relief - second time around relief and no pain. BPD is such a complex concept to grasp it takes a while to process things.  Once you understand the situation you're in then relief can be instantaneous. I think it helps if you've been in the relationship knowing they had BPD. If you only find out after then it's much more painful IMO.

[balletomane]

My relationship with my ex ended when he told me that he had replaced me, with no warning, out of the blue. At the time I was in immense pain. There was no relief there, even though I had been unhappy and uneasy in the relationship - I didn't like the person I was becoming with him, the way I would watch every word and suppress my own views and feelings in order to head off outbursts and cruelty. Being replaced out of nowhere hurt so much and made me feel so used and trashy that any relief I might have had at getting out of the relationship was drowned out.

The relief came six weeks after this, when I decided to go no contact. As soon as I clicked 'unfriend' on Facebook, a wave of peace washed over me and I had the first deep night's sleep I'd had in ages. Since then, it has been almost always present. Sometimes I hurt a lot. I panic so much at the thought of another relationship that I push the possibility away in my mind - I'm not ready for that yet. But even when I'm hurting, I'm still relieved that I got out. I was too afraid of my ex's reactions to exit by myself and I still had hope that I could change him. However much I hurt now, I know that my position is infinitely better than it would have been had I stayed, and there lies the relief.

[JohnnyShoes]

I am Relieved.

It was just the other night... .she asked for $ back (that was a gift)

I was secretly disappointed... But said nothing...

I saw it as a small price to pay to get her out of my life.

I delivered it as requested.

Today I got a text:

"Where's the other HALF"

I was dumbfounded... .I felt the anger rush up in me, because here I was honestly and politely returning what was given me... .and she is TRYING to jerk me for more.

It was money for a car battery... .that we both shopped and got.

So along with a pic of the battery and Price from the website, a pic of the battery in my car... .

I Insisted that the cost was 100.

I mean, she was given the receipt when we bought it. I couldn't believe my eyes when I read that today.

I followed it by saying Dont Contact Me No More.

and tossed in "Get HELP".

Funny thing, I didn't hear back from her after that.

Perhaps she DID find the receipt! 

I got off easy for what I had to give her back.

I didn't ask for anything she had of mine, I just wrote it off as Lost In Combat.

Glad to be done with her.too draining... .she even tried to make the breaking up draining.

I feel like I just paid my own BOND today.

[SGraham]

It was a bit odd for me because immediately after the b/u i felt better but then a week or two after it hit me how hurt i was. I think thats because right after i just felt great because the anxiety was gone, but as soon as the relief of not being anxious wore of it really hit me how hurt i was.   

[coletown11]

It was a bit odd for me because immediately after the b/u i felt better but then a week or two after it hit me how hurt i was. I think thats because right after i just felt great because the anxiety was gone, but as soon as the relief of not being anxious wore of it really hit me how hurt i was.   

My situation was quite similar. I was having constant panic attacks for the last couple months of the relationship. The morning after she dumped me when I snuck out of her place without her waking (yes, after she dumped me she convinced me to spend the night - one of my lowest points) and immediately felt a massive weight lift off my shoulders. Anxiety has pretty much gone away.

However, after a little while the hurt and confusion sunk in. Luckily, in my search to figure out what had just happened to me, I was able to find out about emotional abuse, BPD and this board and other resources, which has helped a great deal.

[CharWood]

I think I feel some degree of relief... .probably not relief yet at this point, as is it is a few days shy of 5 weeks of being broken up... .but rather I feel more energy. I realized that being with my ex BPD for 4 years, most of that whole time I felt like a zombie... i felt like I had no amount of energy to do anything but go to work and barely muster up energy to do a few hobbies... .I felt depressed but did not know why... .I realize that my BPDs childish behavior, her being so demanding of me and needy and trying to get me to function as a parent of some sort to her, drained me. I was constantly worrying about things: how long will the good behavior last this time? When does the bottom drop out again? Why is she never satisfied with anything? What did I do this time to make her draw back? Why, out of no where, does she need space? Why did she spend money impulsively again? Why does she have to be so enmeshed with her mom? Why is she restraining intimacy from me? So many Why's and What-ifs... .I cannot say anymore that the highs were worth the lows... they were the lowest of the lows. Especially since my BPD had an issue with alcohol... not a habitual drinker, but when she did, boy did you want to get away from her quick. she had no limit and when she was dysregulating, she really depended on drinking as a crutch. And, she got very emotion and/or very aggressive. It was a nightmare during the low points... really. I often drove to work on my commute in the mornings thinking - when will this behavior ever end? when will she grow up? when will she appreciate the good life she has? why am I or anything I do never good enough for this woman? What is she going to do next - what problem or issue will she cause? It was bad.

Do I miss her? Yes. I miss the high point version of her. Was that the real her? yes and no. who knows. Am I better off without her? Unfortunately, after 4 years of being with this woman and loving her with all of my heart, I have to say I am. I deserve someone who is a whole person, or at least close to it, who can appreciate me and reciprocate the healthy adult love I give them. I do not deserve the neglect and abuse from my ex. I never did. I don't now. If she came crawling back and said " I love you. I am sorry. I need you!" would I take her back? Last time, I would have and I did take her back 100%. This time, honestly... .it is 50/50... I now have that part of me that says "no. leave it. let her go. she is no good for you.",,,I am stronger this time around.

It took me about a month of disappointing contacts with her to get to this point. I think every break up with a BPD is worse - they act out more and more each time they leave or you kick them out. That is just my observation though.

[sas1729]

Relief. Elation. Freedom. All of that I felt the day I broke up with my BPDex. I called my friends and family. My friends all got together and we went to the pub and had a great time. It was like my team had won the cup. But it did come with a background price. As others have said, I underwent a slow and painful detachment during the relationship's final months. I finally accepted that my ex has BPD to some extent. In all truth it was a suggestion by my therapist to read up on the disorder. After doing some research I had to admit that the traits described my ex well.

When I first read about BPD and made the connection is the moment when, on some level, I realised that eventually the relationship had to end. It was just too much. Of course, my battered self-esteem kept me dragging on in the relationship for months after learning about BPD. But over these months I grieved the relationship. I actually found myself thinking about being out of it. Thinking that way helped to bolster my self-confidence, to the point where I finally broke up with my ex. By that point I was so upset that ending a 2.5 year relationship with a fifteen minute conversation was relief. The emotional attachment was gone.

The pain came the next day. I went to collect my things (she was out) and I left the copy of the key she had. I cried. She had put my things in a box along with all the sentimental gifts and Christmas gifts she had bought me (it was December). Well, I threw them out. Relief in a way, but I was crying when I did it.

Yes, I missed her, but the scariest was facing the world alone. Over the course of the relationship I had lost my identity. I was a shell of my former self, and it would take a while to find myself again.

Now, over nine months out, I am so thankful that I stood up for myself. Relief. Happiness. Freedom.

[OnceConfused]

it was hard a few days after I walked out of the xBPDgf's house. As with all things in our lives, going from something to nothing gives you some strange feelings. WIthin a week or two , I overcame the feeling because I was the one that pulled the trigger first. I felt that I did what I had to do, and not being done to by her.

Looking back, walking out of her house was the defining moment for me. I have become as much more determined person, a stronger person, a happier person.

[hopealways]

It was a bit odd for me because immediately after the b/u i felt better but then a week or two after it hit me how hurt i was. I think thats because right after i just felt great because the anxiety was gone, but as soon as the relief of not being anxious wore of it really hit me how hurt i was.   

Same with me, this explains it well.

[SGraham]

It was a bit odd for me because immediately after the b/u i felt better but then a week or two after it hit me how hurt i was. I think thats because right after i just felt great because the anxiety was gone, but as soon as the relief of not being anxious wore of it really hit me how hurt i was.   

My situation was quite similar. I was having constant panic attacks for the last couple months of the relationship. The morning after she dumped me when I snuck out of her place without her waking (yes, after she dumped me she convinced me to spend the night - one of my lowest points) and immediately felt a massive weight lift off my shoulders. Anxiety has pretty much gone away.

However, after a little while the hurt and confusion sunk in. Luckily, in my search to figure out what had just happened to me, I was able to find out about emotional abuse, BPD and this board and other resources, which has helped a great deal.

Hi colletown, i think we are the same person. But yeah that is REALLY similar to how my r/s broke down, with the discarding me and then spending the night. 

[Cleveland]

She left on a Monday.

On Wed night I drove from Philly to Maine for a wedding.  12 hours straight on energy drinks and smokes.  I spent the time calling some people to let them know and obviously thinking about it.  We had broken up before but something about this one felt different.  I was really worried that going to a wedding would be the worst thing I could go through at that point but it was too good a friend's to pass up.

I was pretty sad and depressed the time I was up there, until we got to the rehearsal dinner on Friday night.  I was sitting with a friend of my friend's that I had met before, his wife, and another female friend of their's that this couple are extremely close to.  We had a riot of a time.  I could have a few drinks and relax - that hadn't happened in so long because I was always conscious of how much she was drinking and waiting for that shoe to drop.  Our conversation turned to completely inappropriate topics and I was loving it - and I realize how this never would have happened had she been there.  One, she loves to be the center and dominate conversations and we would have been talking about her favorite topics, traveling and music.  Also she would flip out if she knew I was having an "inappropriate" conversation with friends let alone allow it to go on in her presence. 

And I sat there and watched the guy and his wife joke around - and I knew that had had some real issues in the past so it wasn't like they were a "perfect" couple and it really hit me, I should find someone that can at least appreciate my sense of humor (sarcasm and inappropriate comments). I should find someone that can let me be me, someone less judgmental, someone who who has fun in the same way that I do.

That was my relief - it came pretty early.  I hadn't realize just how miserable I was the last few years of our relationship. 

Now, don't get me wrong, there were moments after that where I was sad or I missed her.  But I really came to realize that for me, I didn't miss "her", I missed the thought of her and the family dynamic we had going.  First time I would come home to an empty house in four years, first time not seeing my D for a day or two.  Things like that.  And when I would feel that way and I couldn't pull myself out, I had some friends I could call or text and they would remind me that was what I was missing.  And they would tell me to think of the day-to-day relationship - dreading going home after work and not knowing what kind of mood she would be in.  Having zero independence.  The double standards. 

We are starting to get along really well now, but I still think of that day-to-day crap and man... .I am so glad she's gone.

[nolisan]

I felt instant relief when I woke her up and told her to GTFO. That was almost 3 years ago. NC since!

After the "instant relief" there was pain - my psychologist described it right: ""like a phantom limb". The limb is gone but you still feel pain in it.

Time does heal.

[SGraham]

I felt instant relief when I woke her up and told her to GTFO. That was almost 3 years ago. NC since!

After the "instant relief" there was pain - my psychologist described it right: ""like a phantom limb". The limb is gone but you still feel pain in it.

Time does heal.

Yeah that's a really good way to put it. It's like you know the r/s is gone put you still feel the pain as if it was there.

[joeramabeme]

Relief is coming to me slowly.  I was married for 10 years and was really deep in the mindset that it was about me not doing XYZ.  Slowly I have begun to see that it was not JUST me.  Even though she blamed me for everything, my feeling was not all her fault, she just has the tools to exaggerate it. 

I came to the r/s loaded with a narcissistic sense that I could fix other peoples problems.  As I have begun to untangle this twisted thinking, I have begun to get a sense that I could not fix it all alone and what has followed that is clear analysis and that has lead to relief.  I am not the bad person that I had accepted her model of and the model from my FOO.

It has been 1 month now and the days feel a little lighter, but I still feel lonesomeness and wished it could have been different.  Overall, for me, it is a process.  I hope this is just the beginning.

[JohnnyShoes]

I came to the r/s loaded with a narcissistic sense that I could fix other peoples problems.  As I have begun to untangle this twisted thinking, I have begun to get a sense that I could not fix it all alone and what has followed that is clear analysis and that has lead to relief.  I am not the bad person that I had accepted her model of and the model from my FOO.

Joe... .Thanks for posting. You have also described myself.

It helped me.

Johnny

[helpmewithbpd]

I was exactly the same for the first two weeks I felt good,  we'll great in fact,  then out of now where I feel like I can't move on,  it been 3 months and I'm stuck bad,  then after 3 weeks of our break up I found out she was with someone else and it ripped me apart,  I haven't a clue why these people get sus a hold over you,  it is a terrible feeling to know they more than likely don't care at all about us after a break up,  that probably hurts the most along with knowing they move on and be happy so quickly and leave us stuck and so hurt

[Turkish]

Relief that she left, horrible loss when I only had the kids half the time. 1.5 years out, and I still feel anxiety, though the anger has diminished. I still consider it a miracle that she got approved for subsidized housing within three months of applying. A lot of people are on those lists for years. I just got a letter the other week from an apartment complex who asked if she wanted to remain on their waiting list. I really consider that a God thing, even if she stayed almost two months after she promised to move out "no matter what." Its not like she could have moved in with her bf, now husband, who was still in a college dorm