Could it be C-PTSD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I had a major breakthrough today.

I've taken myself off Facebook and twitter for the most part (I was snooping too much, and I didn't know why it was so hard not to, especially 7 months out), and I have been feeling very anxious because of it lately. Long story short, I realized that by doing this and being unaware of the true mechanism behind my lack of control, I was furthering the trauma bond with my pwBPD—making it worse, even.

After clearing my head by blocking my access to these websites (and still feeling anxious seemingly for 'no reason', it suddenly occurred to me that I probably am suffering from C-PTSD as a consequence of the push/pull emotional abuse cycle that occurred during my relationship with my pwBPD. I had looked into C-PTSD in the past and kind of nodded and shrugged at the idea, but it feels very real to me all of a sudden.

Now, for instance, if I am feeling anxious and it seems to be for 'no reason', I simply recall this idea ('hey, this is your brain waiting for the other shoe to drop', realize that I am safe and that there is no shoe, and that even if there was I just wouldn't be affected by it, and wallah, I am calm. It seems as if things are finally coming full circle. I am concentrating fully on myself and not on the relationship, BPD, or why it ended. I made peace with its ended long ago, but I was compelled to continue researching and learning about BPD and how the relationship affects us (the non-BPD partner) simply because I could not figure out what the heck was going on inside me and why I was experiencing that amount of anxiety with seemingly nothing to worry about. I still thought that there was something 'wrong with me' in a complex, convoluted way.

I had been spending a lot of time trying to ground myself (I posted a thread here about it), thinking that I had everything figured out and that if I just stayed the course and acknowledged my feelings, things would go away. The problem was that I wasn't acknowledging my feelings at all... .because I didn't know what exactly they were or how they were caused.

I guarantee that I've said some variation of this before, but I always doubted myself before: I feel ready to be whole now. I don't doubt myself anymore. I actually am ready. This seems like the missing piece, and now I just need to seek treatment in some capacity for it. The future is bright, yo.

[valet]

I had a major breakthrough today.

I've taken myself off Facebook and twitter for the most part (I was snooping too much, and I didn't know why it was so hard not to, especially 7 months out), and I have been feeling very anxious because of it lately. Long story short, I realized that by doing this and being unaware of the true mechanism behind my lack of control, I was furthering the trauma bond with my pwBPD—making it worse, even.

After clearing my head by blocking my access to these websites (and still feeling anxious seemingly for 'no reason', it suddenly occurred to me that I probably am suffering from C-PTSD as a consequence of the push/pull emotional abuse cycle that occurred during my relationship with my pwBPD. I had looked into C-PTSD in the past and kind of nodded and shrugged at the idea, but it feels very real to me all of a sudden.

Now, for instance, if I am feeling anxious and it seems to be for 'no reason', I simply recall this idea ('hey, this is your brain waiting for the other shoe to drop', realize that I am safe and that there is no shoe, and that even if there was I just wouldn't be affected by it, and wallah, I am calm. It seems as if things are finally coming full circle. I am concentrating fully on myself and not on the relationship, BPD, or why it ended. I made peace with its ended long ago, but I was compelled to continue researching and learning about BPD and how the relationship affects us (the non-BPD partner) simply because I could not figure out what the heck was going on inside me and why I was experiencing that amount of anxiety with seemingly nothing to worry about. I still thought that there was something 'wrong with me' in a complex, convoluted way.

I had been spending a lot of time trying to ground myself (I posted a thread here about it), thinking that I had everything figured out and that if I just stayed the course and acknowledged my feelings, things would go away. The problem was that I wasn't acknowledging my feelings at all... .because I didn't know what exactly they were or how they were caused.

I guarantee that I've said some variation of this before, but I always doubted myself before: I feel ready to be whole now. I don't doubt myself anymore. I actually am ready. This seems like the missing piece, and now I just need to seek treatment in some capacity for it. The future is bright, yo.

[rotiroti]

I feel ready to be whole now. I don't doubt myself anymore. I actually am ready.

Good stuff Valet!

Laying off the social media is a step towards the right direction

[fromheeltoheal]

I had a major breakthrough today.

Breakthroughs are cool man, feels like life is brand new for a while, enjoy!

Long story short, I realized that by doing this and being unaware of the true mechanism behind my lack of control, I was furthering the trauma bond with my pwBPD—making it worse, even.

Was there some hope in there too?  An incessant need to see what's up with her could have been motivated by that stubborn hope that things will work out, and I agree, continuing to chase that hope in a hopeless situation makes things worse.

The problem was that I wasn't acknowledging my feelings at all... .because I didn't know what exactly they were or how they were caused.

Was that why, or were you in denial because there was something scary there you didn't want to face and you were protecting yourself?

I feel ready to be whole now. I don't doubt myself anymore. I actually am ready. This seems like the missing piece, and now I just need to seek treatment in some capacity for it. The future is bright, yo.

Yes, the future is bright.  And what if you were whole the whole time, and just hindering yourself by holding on to some inappropriate hope?  Letting go is simple really, we don't have to do much, just let go, let go of an anchor so we can fly high, which we will all on our own once we get out of our own way, yes?

[Skip]

This is a good perspective piece on C-PTSD:

www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/PTSD-overview/complex-ptsd.asp

Judith Herman (MD, Harvard) has suggested that much of BPD be re-classed as C-PTSD - years of traumatic parental trauma that one cannot escape.

Can we acquire this via a 2 year relationship where we could exit at any time? I'm not sure.

Have you looked at attachment theory?  Insecure attachment styles?

[valet]

This is a good perspective piece on C-PTSD:

www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/PTSD-overview/complex-ptsd.asp

Judith Herman (MD, Harvard) has suggested that much of BPD be re-classed as C-PTSD - years of traumatic parental trauma that one cannot escape.

Can we acquire this via a 2 year relationship where we could exit at any time? I'm not sure.

Have you looked at attachment theory?  Insecure attachment styles?

I have read quite a bit on attachment theory and the different attachment styles.

The more that I have thought about the ending of the relationship, the more that the scabs from FOO wounds had been stripped away. I have been having lots of nightmares lately. They've led me to remembering things from my past (specifically, my father's 'relationship' with alcohol and my mother's enabling of his behavior) that always kept me on edge. 'I hope he comes home sober today' or 'I hope he doesn't talk to me' type of stuff. There was never any physical violence, but I also never felt safe from my family being torn apart by divorce. The reality was that the family had already been torn apart by the dynamic between my parents, and it really did a number on both myself and my sister.

I'm thinking that this was/is probably the root of my anxiety. It was never about my pwBPD. It was always about me. I was just afraid to look at myself and see things for what they were. That is a natural coping mechanism, but now I need to really buckle down and come to terms with the behavioral patterns that I took on in response to the instability in my childhood. So, C-PTSD or not, I've realized some things that I wasn't doing for myself. I've been very angry this week, and very sad, in waves. But I can't attribute the majority of these feelings to grieving my failed relationship. It is deeper. There is more to explore.

Was there some hope in there too?  An incessant need to see what's up with her could have been motivated by that stubborn hope that things will work out, and I agree, continuing to chase that hope in a hopeless situation makes things worse.

The problem was that I wasn't acknowledging my feelings at all... .because I didn't know what exactly they were or how they were caused.

Was that why, or were you in denial because there was something scary there you didn't want to face and you were protecting yourself?

It has taken me some time to see this, but yes, there was a lot of hope. There probably still is in many ways that I haven't come to terms with, but my feelings have changed far more in this past week (since getting myself off of the internet) than they had in the last few months. More time and space are needed (space away from social media and the boards, because I use both of them to internalize instead of simply feel), but I don't feel that intense abandonment fear that I did before. My recent anger has really propelled me away from that type of thinking. Today, for instance, I had (for the first time without actually reasoning against my feelings) that moment of pure 'go to heck' rage against my pwBPD, privately. I had never understood why people on the boards were so angry. It baffled me. I get it now.

My thinking at the beginning was based around this idea: 'Can't we just forgive immediately? Can't we just be mature?' The truth is, no, we can't. Forgiveness is a process and it has to be with oneself. I never really learned how to forgive myself so well. Now I am. The reconciliation goes on internally—the realization that reality really is real and there is no reason to ignore even part of the facts anymore. My original assumption that I was just immediately alright was an act of inherent denial. I didn't want to give myself the space to let go because I didn't want to let go. This was self-invalidation. I wanted to be friends with my pwBPD for the wrong reasons. I think that I am starting to realize what the right ones are, but there has to be communication. Real boundaries. No passive aggressive stunting or mind games. I can't control how that series of conversations will go, but I am willing to accept that I am not perfect, and that this is not all about the disorder.

I'm going to stay the course. I feel this intense anger towards my pwBPD, and it could have grown into resentment had I not read everything on these boards that I did before I reached this moment. I want to preserve relationships, not destroy them. A new chapter, really. And that's how I see it. That was chapter x, and this is chapter y. I honestly, really hope that no one gets hurt in chapter y, but I also have the power to reduce the chances of that as much as possible.

The moral of the story is this: I wasn't giving myself the space I needed. A big lesson learned, and something that I'm going to stick by. If need space, then I need to take that space, without negotiation.

[fromheeltoheal]

My thinking at the beginning was based around this idea: 'Can't we just forgive immediately? Can't we just be mature?' The truth is, no, we can't. Forgiveness is a process and it has to be with oneself. I never really learned how to forgive myself so well. Now I am. The reconciliation goes on internally—the realization that reality really is real and there is no reason to ignore even part of the facts anymore. My original assumption that I was just immediately alright was an act of inherent denial. I didn't want to give myself the space to let go because I didn't want to let go.

You reminded me of me here valet.  I left my ex and had it in my head that it would take 2 or 3 months to get over her and off I'd go to my future.  Nope.  It took over a year.  It wasn't denial necessarily though, I just didn't realize how deeply the hooks got in, and once the fog cleared the real feelings surfaced, feelings I didn't know I had.  I can't relate to you on the friendship thing though; I've forgiven my ex and myself and I have compassion for her and the road she walks, I just don't like her, and these is no way the new, revised me would want or let someone like that in my life.  I'm not really clear on your motivations for continuing some sort of interaction with yours, but you do seem good with it and strong.  Take care of you!

[valet]

I get that, fromheeltoheal.

The less I think about my motivations, the easier it is to let go. I think that all of this thinking about my own motivations was just prolonging my real feelings from coming to the surface. I just like her more as a friend. It is easier. I don't have to deal with so much, and it is nice. I was trapping myself in my own thought patterns.

Nothing 'bad' has happened and continually bringing my own concerns to mind was a way for me to always expect the worst. I wasn't looking at the bright side, only the negative aspects of 'what could be'. That wasn't healthy, and the best way for me to get what I want has been to get rid of all the nonsense and only rely on the interactions.

I'm going to face the facts about myself here. I like to be in the know. I like to have information that provides me the immediate gratification of knowledge. This is just me trying to control things. I like to snoop. I like checking her social media and trying to piece together what's going on in her life, but this is only a projection of my own insecurities. It causes me anxiety and prevents me from thinking about my own life. I would like to not really care, so I am setting boundaries for myself to accomplish what I need to be happy. This is learning by experience. I am teaching myself how I would like to treat myself. I deserve respect, so I am respecting my own distress tolerance. Yes, there are things that I cannot do. There are also things that I can. I am searching for the middle ground in hopes of expanding my abilities, and it is working, for me.

[valet]

I am trying to 'rise above' the nonsense.

I want life to be simpler, not more complicated. Accepting other people's projections and attempts at projective identification makes things more complicated. If I invalidate myself by participating in these activities I become hurt emotionally. If I stay away from these things consistently, then when I am faced with them head on I am in a better place to see them for what they are, which are just words.

With empathy, we can do what is best for ourselves while also being considerate of others. A meeting of minds can and will occur if we let it. Some people are better at being empathic than others. Outside of a boundary of extreme behaviors, this is toxic. Deregulation is not a constant, daily factor. It is often not discerned in places outside of the super intimate boundaries that we have all witnessed. This is why people just 'don't get it; they just don't understand', to us.

I'm sure that a lot of people on this sub-board have reconciled this idea. People don't get things and that is ok. As long as I am happy for a long time, continuously, I must be doing what is right for myself. And this... .is the only thing that matters—my foundation. Is it rock, or sand? It is rock, finally. Now I just need to build the house up.

[rotiroti]

The strong foundation of self... .what a powerful conclusion!

Great to read that you're putting YOU as the main protagonist to your tale.

Realizing that it's possible to be empathetic while having firm boundaries was a powerful moment for me. Now if I can just enforce it 24.7... .

[doubleAries]

great thread!

In the midst of something very similar myself. Always interested to read others experiences and see the little pieces of the puzzle they got and I missed. (thanks, Skip, for that puzzle piece about insecure attachment styles!)

[borderdude]

I belive myself to have cptsd, but i am not emotional immature, i do not suffer from object constancy, nor do i have traits similar to loosing reality, weak self or acting in the moment without thinking. I only have issues with being nervous caused by sublime and more direct causes, being triggered. I have a typical violent chilldhood or a longer torture history. No those two illnesses seems very different at first glance.

[eeks]

My thinking at the beginning was based around this idea: 'Can't we just forgive immediately? Can't we just be mature?' The truth is, no, we can't. Forgiveness is a process and it has to be with oneself. I never really learned how to forgive myself so well. Now I am. The reconciliation goes on internally—the realization that reality really is real and there is no reason to ignore even part of the facts anymore. My original assumption that I was just immediately alright was an act of inherent denial. I didn't want to give myself the space to let go because I didn't want to let go. This was self-invalidation. I wanted to be friends with my pwBPD for the wrong reasons. I think that I am starting to realize what the right ones are, but there has to be communication. Real boundaries. No passive aggressive stunting or mind games. I can't control how that series of conversations will go, but I am willing to accept that I am not perfect, and that this is not all about the disorder.

"Reality really is real"!  hehe.

It seems to me that's the process most of us are in, reclaiming our life story and the right to tell it, just as we experienced it, whether of our childhood/FOO or the relationship with a pwBPD.  And the right to feel the way we feel about it.  

Denial is a way of avoiding pain, so facing this stuff takes courage.  I was going to say "I'm sure you know that" but you know what... .no... .I think we all need to congratulate ourselves, seriously, pat ourselves and each other on the back, for having the courage and commitment to do this work, even if we get "stuck" or feel afraid sometimes.