New Here Seeking Direction

[trc63074]

Hi. I believe my mom has BPD undiagnosed. For years she was treated for bipolar disorder unsuccessfully and has been unmedicated for a long while now. Not that it matters as medication didn't help anyway. She is always indignant, irritable, angry, hostile, frustrated, blaming, fault finding, unbending, sad, lonely, hopeless, and the list goes on... .  She recently started renovating my shed into a tiny house and uses my bathroom and kitchen facilities and cares for my 5 year old on a regular basis which means she is a big part of my children's lives and my own. Our home was peaceful and happy before she came. She has no vehicle, no job but has a small monthly income, doesn't pay rent or utilities but does things around the house and yard (however, I can't ask her to do any certain thing. Whatever she does has to be on her own timeline/agenda). No matter what I do for her or how much I provide for her she is unhappy and ungrateful and I believe feels as if she does more than enough to warrant anything I do and expects I should do more. My children are uncomfortable around her as she makes them feel like they can't do anything right. I feel guilty for allowing her to be here and exposing them to such negativity. We love her but she is impossible to like.  Side note... .She was barely 14 when I was born and did not raise me. Why do I feel responsible for her? Why do I think I need to find a way to "fix" her?

[Kwamina]

Hi trc63074

Thanks for this introduction. Having a mother with BPD can be quite challenging, especially when you live together. What led up to your mother coming to live in your shed?

Hi. I believe my mom has BPD undiagnosed. For years she was treated for bipolar disorder unsuccessfully and has been unmedicated for a long while now. Not that it matters as medication didn't help anyway. She is always indignant, irritable, angry, hostile, frustrated, blaming, fault finding, unbending, sad, lonely, hopeless, and the list goes on... .

This list does make it seem like your mother is a difficult person to be around with. Do you feel like she in any way has ever acknowledged that she has certain problems? Did she only get medication in the past or also (talking) therapy?

No matter what I do for her or how much I provide for her she is unhappy and ungrateful and I believe feels as if she does more than enough to warrant anything I do and expects I should do more.

Do you perhaps feel that your mother uses things such as fear, obligation and guilt to try and get you to do what she wants? If so, you might find this article we have here interesting:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

My children are uncomfortable around her as she makes them feel like they can't do anything right. I feel guilty for allowing her to be here and exposing them to such negativity. We love her but she is impossible to like.

To help protect your own well-being and that of your children, I strongly encourage you to take a look at some material we have here about boundaries:

Setting Boundaries

Is setting and defending/enforcing boundaries something you are comfortable with doing when it comes to your mother?

She was barely 14 when I was born and did not raise me. Why do I feel responsible for her? Why do I think I need to find a way to "fix" her?

Having a child at such a young age isn't easy. Do you have contact with your father?

We (unfortunately) can't 'fix' or change people if they themselves don't want to change. What you can do is change your own behavior and how you interact with your mother. By doing so you will be able to change the dynamics of your relationship with your mother, regardless of whether she changes or not.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[trc63074]

Kwamina,

Thank you so much for your response and for the helpful information and links. I will be sure to check them out.

My mom has lived with us off and on for a very long time. She maintains her own place for a while until she can no longer afford it or until too much friction is created with neighbors or management. She is on disability and therefore has a hard time finding a place she can afford or that will accept her with such a small income.  When that happens she lives with us until it begins to uncomfortable.

She believed she had bipolar disorder because her mother was diagnosed so she was medicated for it for years, however, if the Dr would try to change her meds for whatever reason she would not allow it.  She didn't not, has not utilized therapy that is offered to her through MHMR. She generally believes her problems are the fault of others.

I'm sure she does use fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate. I do not have/use good boundaries and am not comfortable with them. I've just purchased the book Stop Waking on Eggshells to try to learn how to improve the way I handle her behavior and create healthy boundaries.

Thank you for welcoming me. I'm so glad to find a community of people who can relate.