God help me why is this happening?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This might be a bit rambling, sorry. Some of you know, especially in my private messages that I have had the worst day ever. My face and eyes are raw from crying for hours and hours. My ex has insisted on this just friends thing for so long and I have gone along with it hoping against hope things would change even while knowing I had to get away because I was being destroyed. I have explained again to him that to be with him, eating sleeping doing lots of fun things are all tainted for me by the fact that I still loved and wanted him and needed to be hugged and kissed like we used to. That I couldn't do the just friends thing. He has not kissed or hugged me for weeks and weeks. he never calls me by the nick names he had for me or puts kisses at the end of his texts anymore. Its an odd thing, every one in our street, local pubs, shops etc think we are a couple. He knows how I feel and knows that I have been planning to move away because I cant handle it anymore, and has always seemed cool about it. I told him that I had made my choice. I would be leaving the area at the end of September to stay at my aunts house whilst I looked for somewhere to live and that I would come back here to pack up my house when the lease runs out in December. Its difficult because he lives straight over the road from me. we had a crappy row this morning and he was his usual angry bullying self so I told him that I had picked the end of September so we could hopefully have a few nice weeks with no emotional pressure on him to feel something he didnt. I was ignoring how hard it would be for me, just thought it would be nicer to end like that. He got angry, not about me leaving, just the original row and me crying. I cried and he left, hence the state I have been in all day. Sorry, still rambling. I eventually sent him this text " Cant happen can it? nice few weeks. It was a stupid idea of mine, it doesn't matter. I cant be with you without love or physical affection (not sex, just touch) it hurts me too much. My head wont stop going back to how we were, I still feel like that, you dont. You dont want that with me, can barely touch me. You dont know how bad that makes me feel. Evidently I cant deal with rejection and loss, my huge problem and you cant deal with emotion, your huge problem. Too bad. You have been loved and wanted very much, deal with it. Some people never get that. Best thing is no contact from now on. I will be gone from you as soon as I can, I dont have to wait until the end of Sept, like I said, stupid idea and I cant do it. No drama, no fuss, goodbye (his name)." I have spent the rest of the day sobbing and on these boards. 8 hours later I get a text " Night babe, goodnight love xx"  Never for weeks and weeks not ever, even when my little cat was sick has he called me babe and love and put kisses. What the heck I had to run and be sick literally. Dont worry, I know what he's doing I think? but does anyone think I did actually reach him in some way even if it wont change things in the long run. What a hideous debilitating day. 

[Sadly]

This might be a bit rambling, sorry. Some of you know, especially in my private messages that I have had the worst day ever. My face and eyes are raw from crying for hours and hours. My ex has insisted on this just friends thing for so long and I have gone along with it hoping against hope things would change even while knowing I had to get away because I was being destroyed. I have explained again to him that to be with him, eating sleeping doing lots of fun things are all tainted for me by the fact that I still loved and wanted him and needed to be hugged and kissed like we used to. That I couldn't do the just friends thing. He has not kissed or hugged me for weeks and weeks. he never calls me by the nick names he had for me or puts kisses at the end of his texts anymore. Its an odd thing, every one in our street, local pubs, shops etc think we are a couple. He knows how I feel and knows that I have been planning to move away because I cant handle it anymore, and has always seemed cool about it. I told him that I had made my choice. I would be leaving the area at the end of September to stay at my aunts house whilst I looked for somewhere to live and that I would come back here to pack up my house when the lease runs out in December. Its difficult because he lives straight over the road from me. we had a crappy row this morning and he was his usual angry bullying self so I told him that I had picked the end of September so we could hopefully have a few nice weeks with no emotional pressure on him to feel something he didnt. I was ignoring how hard it would be for me, just thought it would be nicer to end like that. He got angry, not about me leaving, just the original row and me crying. I cried and he left, hence the state I have been in all day. Sorry, still rambling. I eventually sent him this text " Cant happen can it? nice few weeks. It was a stupid idea of mine, it doesn't matter. I cant be with you without love or physical affection (not sex, just touch) it hurts me too much. My head wont stop going back to how we were, I still feel like that, you dont. You dont want that with me, can barely touch me. You dont know how bad that makes me feel. Evidently I cant deal with rejection and loss, my huge problem and you cant deal with emotion, your huge problem. Too bad. You have been loved and wanted very much, deal with it. Some people never get that. Best thing is no contact from now on. I will be gone from you as soon as I can, I dont have to wait until the end of Sept, like I said, stupid idea and I cant do it. No drama, no fuss, goodbye (his name)." I have spent the rest of the day sobbing and on these boards. 8 hours later I get a text " Night babe, goodnight love xx"  Never for weeks and weeks not ever, even when my little cat was sick has he called me babe and love and put kisses. What the heck I had to run and be sick literally. Dont worry, I know what he's doing I think? but does anyone think I did actually reach him in some way even if it wont change things in the long run. What a hideous debilitating day. 

[Learning_curve74]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now Sadly. It sucks and hurts to love somebody who doesn't love you back the same. Hugs to you 

You are brave to realize you probably need some space away from him to get over him. Do you have friends or family you can lean on right now until the time you plan to move away at the end of next month?

[Sadly]

Thank you for your  . I am an engineering contractor and have lived all over the country so dont have many roots, i.e. long standing local friends. I do have a a couple who are really good friends but they are very busy right now. I can move earlier but quite honestly am struggling with this terrible depression and crippling unhappiness. I can barely function to work never mind organise moving. Today has knocked the stuffing out of me again. I dont want to believe he is playing a cruel game with me. I hate it when my little cat does that with a mouse. I am just floored and bewildered.

[patientandclear]

I really suggest you post on Staying. It seems clear you don't want this r/ship to be over if you had a real choice. You may find suggestions on Staying that help there be a real choice.

Let me just say here that I think your tears and sadness and disappointment, while completely understandable, are playing into the impasse you have with him. It may be possible to draw boundaries and react to his withdrawals without making such a big deal of it and acting like the world is coming to an end. In that way it may be easier for him to step back from the position he's dug himself into.

When I posted on your other thread about Staying members handling the "friends" thing by backing way off and matching their contributions to the stated limit of the person wBPD, it's not in the context of leaving or huge drama. It's just a gentle adjustment communicated matter of factly or even warmly. Do you see the difference?  I myself probably learned this lesson too late for it to benefit my BPD r/s (we'll see) but I wish I'd grasped earlier that these things can be negotiated more subtly and without huge final sounding declarations that trigger abandonment and rejection fears.

I'm sure your guy sent his goodnight msg intentionally to meet your stated needs and make it harder for you to go away. In that sense it's manipulative. Is that entirely bad? It shows he DOES know what you want. The question is whether he will want to keep pleasing you in this way. Usually, positive response to behaviors you like encourage more of the same. And you finding ways to take care of yourself without shutting things down btwn you entirely may introduce some new more positive dynamics that he enjoys and wants to build on.  Hard to know but you can try. If you want to try, please check in with the Staying folks.

I am however not necessarily encouraging you to try. These r/ships are tough and require an ability not to take what seems like rejection personally. Due to my own history that is super hard for me and I know that's true for many here. It may not be the right choice for you to continue to engage with someone who uses this kind of coping mechanism. Hopefully therapy will assist in figuring that one out.

[Sadly]

This too all makes such sense however I really don't think he wants me in a romantic way anymore. I think he wants me as his security blanket, the pleasure in sharing the little things in our lives. My cat and I are closely bonded, she pats and strokes my face and gives me kisses. She was a rescue cat badly treated and fears other humans. he doesn't like cats and is slightly allergic but his total  love for her and her for him came out of the blue and his face when she stroked it the first time was a joy to behold. She plays and I have ensured he has his little games that he has with her exclusive to him. We enjoy many things the same and can make each other laugh. He cannot see that perfection does not exist and he could be happy with imperfect me and has totally withdrawn the grown up love and any form of love outside of friendship. I think he wants all this until someone he thinks is more suitable comes along. He really thinks I have lied and deceived him even though his knowledge of me by now should tell him it is something I just wouldn't do, he is convinced he has proof. 

Also, the tears and sadness are coming as naturally as every breath I take. The struggle is monumental so I can go days but then it builds up again. He is very intuitive and sees when I am struggling. Hand on heart I will say he is not a bad person, he is very ill. Even at its worst when he is being vile and bullying to me I have no problem in seeing it for what it is. Yes, I have moments when I hate and despise him but thats how I can cope.

I think in my heart I know I have to go. I haven't got the mental requirements to deal with this longterm, I have discovered that from reading on this site. I want to see if there is anything left inside him of the love he once felt and if his problems are making him hide it but I fear trying to and then him shooting me down in flames again. I think I have been close to suicidal these last couple of weeks. Thats not good. I keep saying this but I am so so tired, dont know what else to say except to thank everyone.

[patientandclear]

Hi Sadly. I completely identify with the dynamic you're describing here--him enjoying the goodness btwn you which is really so special, until the perfect person comes along. Being unable to view you as a romantic partner because it is not "perfect." That's pretty much my experience too. So wrenching because it's not like they don't want to spend time with you ... .It's that the significance of that to them is missing.

To reiterate my suggestion to post on Staying though: over time I've been able to navigate those dynamics with more of a sense of core strength and even humor. Back when it first became clear he thought of us as "friends" it was as awful for me as you are explaining here. Now I see it more neutrally and am more or less able to engage with him around it in a way that is consistent with my self respect and respect for our r/ship, if that makes sense. The Staying tools, which are the opposite of black-white in-out all or nothing stances, really helped with that.

[Suzn]

I have explained again to him that to be with him, eating sleeping doing lots of fun things are all tainted for me by the fact that I still loved and wanted him and needed to be hugged and kissed like we used to. That I couldn't do the just friends thing.

He knows how I feel and knows that I have been planning to move away because I cant handle it anymore, and has always seemed cool about it.

It is normal, and healthy, to take time apart when a breakup happens. From the response below, he doesn't know how to do this.

8 hours later I get a text " Night babe, goodnight love xx" 

He likely doesn't know how this effects you. You do though, it made you physically ill. That's pretty significant and is a good indicator you are making the right choice to take some time for yourself and put some space between you.

I think I have been close to suicidal these last couple of weeks. Thats not good.

This is significant as well and a solid reason for NC, even if just for a while. This isn't punishment for him, this is self preservation. Kudos to you for taking care of you.  

[Sadly]

Hi P & C & Suzn

Thank you, It's that the significance of that to them is missing. Thats about how I see too. I have read all the stuff on the Staying, actually I have read all the categories, even the child one because I thought at one time I may be able to help him with his son if ever he got contact with him again but when I tried all I got was "shut the f*ck up, what do you think you are some sort of expert" ? I felt like saying if BPD was an olympic sport I would win a gold medal the amount I have read up on it because of you but of course I didnt and wouldn't.

So are you just friends then P&C or have you a proper relationship? I know I can't live this intense but empty just friends life. I know myself well and have discovered more about myself and my own problems through this site.

I am not a black and white thinker, have always seen shades of grey but I know that about myself.

Suzn

nail on the head he doesn't know how to do this.

I eventually replied to his " Night babe, goodnight love xx" quite simply "Oh my god you have surprised me. Night (his name) xx. Guess what I got back several hours later  " Why Surprised" ?.

I have not answered. No matter what he knows damn well that was not a response to my text to him and he hasn't put kisses on texts to me for weeks or called me babe or love.  Even he knows that and he can read his texts for black and white proof, he likes black and white.

Last night I slept, woke a lot but only briefly, I was exhausted. Today I feel wobbly but a bit better though how I will feel if he texts me or turns up at my door later I just dont know. I do know to get away is the best thing and am working towards it. Yesterday was pure melt down. Thank you both for your wisdom, experience and help.  

[Sadly]

Update today.

As expected I got a text (like nothing had been said)

Do you want to watch a film tonight, no heavy stuff.

.

want to very much but just can't. I cant be what you want love, just a friend, anymore than you can me, a lover. I am sad but spend so much time when I am with you hiding it then eventually it all comes out. Hence discord.

Ok shame though cos I want to too

Want to what?

Watch a film together

well?

I am sorry, please please understand, it hurts me.

Ok, sorry babe

Me too love.

I wont bother you again if you dont want

Dont call it bothering me, that doesnt sound nice. None of it is what I want. Reality is I love you and want us to be more than friends. You dont want/love me and just want to be friends. Weeks of hoping have hurt me very badly. My sadness annoys you. That is what it boils down to love. Plain black and white. I wish we could be different but we are not.

At least he isnt pretending. Thoughts anyone? God I am sad.

[Suzn]

It looks to be going well. He doesn't seem angry or bullying. Just open communication so far.

You are taking control of your well being. That's really a big deal given how low you felt a few weeks ago. What do you think? 

You may want to use controlled contact for a while to help you both through, your call of course.

You're doing well here even though it's sad. 

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Sadly, thank you for the update. Hugs to you.

I'm sorry you're hurting, that's part of the sadness, and I felt the same despair when I broke up with my exgf.  We're only human, and it's natural to feel sad. We keep going on living our lives and the sad clouds aren't as dark eventually. Every storm passes and sun comes out again.

As Suzn said, you're taking control of your well being.   

[Sadly]

thank you for your support and hugs both of you, I need them right now very much. Has your sun come out again Learning Curve? I sure hope so 

I feel a bit brave but I am trying so hard not to cry, it's not working very well. Its strange Suzn, I have waffled about for weeks and truly believe I hadnt made any progress but today I did however the hurt is still as painful so I guess yes for the first time I feel I have taken a step.

Not sure what controlled contact is but actually feel I would be better with non however I cant seem to help myself replying. Maybe he wont contact me again which would make it easier but I have a feeling he will. To love and not be loved in return is a terrible thing.

I am still very afraid for myself and my coping abilities.   

[patientandclear]

Sadly, that exchange you just had with him is very honest and accurate.  You are both being clear what you can do.  That's sort of where thiings trailed off with my person wBPD.  Our needs and ability to show up for one another do not match well, and we both are sad about that, though to be honest, due to dissociation and his very effective other coping mechanisms including focusing on the prospect of new love, I don't think it's the same kind of sadness.

My ex would like to have me in his life in the way your guy does as well.  Like you, I cannot do that.  If that is the situation, and he doesn't reconsider his stance, and you aren't going to change your mind on being able to be his muse or emotional FWB, then, it just is what it is.  Sad.  But true.

It is indeed a huge step forward to get that out there.

In the case of the person in my life, he does quite a bit of the "love xxx" type of thing, things he knows will hook me.  It is tough not to get confused, especially when I very much want things to be different than they are.  You're doing a nice job of not getting distracted by what I think was a pretty manipulative move with his text.

[Sadly]

Thank you, you are right, his wont be the same kind of sadness. I am hurting so so much but I cant take a step backwards. I dont believe he can change, I still dont understand where the love went but I do understand his difficulties. I am trying to respect him despite the Night Love xx shock text.

Luck to you with your stuff going on

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sadly, It seems like you are doing the dysfunctional dance.  You know this r/s isn't working out, yet you seem unwilling to let go of something that is unhealthy for you.  I understand, it's hard to make the break, yet I think you are hurting yourself by prolonging the inevitable.  Why not take a break and then re-evaluate?  I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

LuckyJim

[Sadly]

Hi LuckyJim

dysfunctional dance is exactly what it is and I am desperately trying to stop. I am not unwilling to let go of something that isnt healthy for me I promise you that. I have been unable to up to now and even that is fairly tenuous. I am stuggling with the total unbearable grief of losing the man I love with all my heart regardless of his illness and hurt just as much seeing him in so much bewildered pain from emotions he has to deny for him to just function. I forgive him all the manipulating and badness, all the control and all the hurt. This I can do quite easily now I understand. Forgiving him is the easy part for me, being unable to help him is hard and saying goodbye to all my hopes and dreams that have been trampled on is devastating me.

Thank you for your sympathy, it means a great deal.   

[Suzn]

Crying is brave. Let the tears flow when you feel them come. This allows you to grieve and is healthy. As deeply as you can feel sadness, you can feel joy just as deeply on the other side of this, when that time comes.

Controlled contact is allowing contact at a designated time, for designated length of time. And the times of contact are slowly drawn out over longer periods. For example, with the contact you had today you could tell him I prefer you don't text me every night right now. Maybe we could chat again on, say, Wednesday. When he calls or texts on Wednesday, you say hi... I have an appt in 30, 40, 10... mins (so you chose how long the conversation lasts too) When you are done talking... hey maybe we can chat again on Saturday... I'm trying to throw myself into my job or I have a new project with my job and I'm swamped... .you chose what to say of course but that's how it works. It helps both of you.

Taking care of you and coping can be many different things. Getting out and taking walk around the block to get your endorphins going. You may not feel like it but do it anyway... .push yourself a little bit. make an appointment for a massage or to get your hair trimmed, let someone dote on you a little bit. Rent a few feel good movies, comedies... .join a yoga class. Just a few ideas.

There will be good days and bad days, a good day might be taking a shower and a walk around the block or maybe out to dinner with a friend. On a bad day recognize it for what it is and look for ways to comfort yourself... hot bath, comfy pjs, upbeat music, call a friend or family member, post here on the boards. Or whatever helps you feel better. You know you best. Sitting with this sadness is important too, to feel it and not numb will help you get to the other side quicker.

You definitely to a step. Keep with it. Your second wind is coming, expect it.

[Sadly]

Thanks Suzn, your advice is always sound. I am crying, goodness knows when it will stop. I am crying inside and out but the depth of understanding and living knowledge I get from here is amazing.

Thanks for the explanation re controlled contact, I understand now however it wont be happening I dont think. I know him well enough to know it wont work. I would be accused of dictating to him at the very least and manipulating at the worst regardless of how carefully I worded it.

I am taking time out to go to the hairdressers tomorrow but its weird because my first though was, " will he like it" I guess it takes an age to break these thought patterns.

Today wasnt as bad as yesterday and I cannot predict tomorrow but I will regardless be back on these boards at some point. They are keeping me sane right now. 

[honeysuckle]

Sadly,

I have been out of my relationship for over a year. I relate to everything that you are saying and feeling. I see things now of course from a clearer focus and not quite so emotional mind. A few things I think caught my attention.

First: You can not be with someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you. You're torturing yourself with the hope that he will see things differently and you can get back the love and affection you once had. A basic fact about BPD. That rarely if ever happens and when it does it does not last. Hope is a major problem in the beginning of this process. If you are hoping things will be a certain way you will be stuck in that place. When you let go of the hope and see it for what it is then things will change for you. When you received the text you wanted you are now hoping he will get it together and give you what you want. This is not healthy. He wants you in his life because you fill a need. He needs to get those feelings from you. You supply it and then feel that this will eventually be reciprocated. It wont. At least not in the way it works for you. Even worse you will supply it until he doesn't need it anymore and gets it from someone else and you are dropped on your head and pretty much cut off. This is the most likely outcome and then you are really going to be a mess.

Next: You are focused on him. That is how these relationships often work. You need to be focused on you. Every word he says. Every action he makes you are "hoping" it is a sign of a change. I have been there and I understand. But at some point you will need to stop thinking about him and think about yourself. How this is effecting you? Why is it ok for him to get your hopes up and get all your love and not return it and not feel bad about how it makes you feel? The bottom line is BPDs do not generally think that way. It is about how they feel always. If you stay thats great for him. End of story. They don't take it further then this. You have made the biggest step by deciding to leave. That is a huge step and not an easy one. But if you know you need to leave why are you still driving yourself crazy trying to have the last few weeks? Hoping he will change his mind? beg you to stay?

Lastly: You may have read that most of this is such a huge emotional disaster and feels like we are dying because in a way we are. Something about ourselves have made us define ourselves and or self worth through their love. That is the hardest part and where the real work begins. Believing in and loving yourself is the key. Then it won't matter if they love us or not.

Good luck.

[JohnLove]

I am taking time out to go to the hairdressers tomorrow but its weird because my first though was, " will he like it" I guess it takes an age to break these thought patterns.

Hello Sadly, so sorry you are enduring such intense emotional pain. This is what I believe it must feel like for a pwBPD most of the time. That gives you a little insight.

Your quote above is somewhat revealing. This is a realisation. I hope you have many more.

I have noticed that you are very focused on your partner, maybe a little too much?... .I understand why but relief from this pain must come from within you rather than the false hope that your pwBPD can do this for you. I didn't say this will be "easy" but it's your path. He may be able to offer relief at times, but consistency is what you need. Poker machines hook people the same way. A little payout and a whole lotta hope. But guess what. House always wins. I feel you are caught in the FOG (fear, obligation, and guilt) that comes with a relationship with someone suffering BPD. When you focus on yourself, this FOG will lift and you will see things with renewed clarity. I want you to "win".

I feel the advice offered by honeysuckle is spot on. Hope you're feeling much better soon.

[Sadly]

Hello Honeysuckle and Johnlove.

Yet more great support and insight on my situation, thank you both so much. I admit I fell to bits and sobbed my heart out again last night, I never knew how deep inside and gut wrenching grief could be, and yet when I got a goodnight text from him I ignored it. I am so pleased this morning that I did.

I have been able to see more clearly these last two days and I know now I cant have what I want and recognise that I now come first. I dont think I am crying for the moon anymore, just for my loss. I have let hope go, 100% and know that even if he told me he has changed his mind or admitted that he did love me the way I wanted I can never go back, I have the love and empathy needed but not the mental strength required to live with a pwBPD. I am moving away soon and that will be so much easier. I think that when I wanted those extra few weeks I still knew it was over, I wasnt expecting a miracle, I just thought it would be a nice ending for both of us, highly impractical I guess. I do have my own issues that go from way back and realise that is why i let myself open to the powerful beginnings of our relationship. I will go to therapy, it is pointless going to the one here in two weeks I am hoping to be gone by then or at least the week after so can arrange it in my new place. My sadness and grief will continue to hit me I know this but I no longer have the suicidal thoughts I had before. It is a long hard road ahead but you guys have done it so I reckon I can too. Thanks again for your support and care, I come everyday to this site and the help is tremendous. I know that distance can make the heart grow fonder (but not in the case of a pwBPD) so when I do get these thoughts I will come back here immediately to remind myself, thats a good plan isnt it. I have made a small donation and I am getting some money coming to me soon and intend to leave a larger one, not life changing amounts but what I can afford. In my reading here I have become aware that it is not only me that has had their life (literally ) saved and cannot express my gratitude enough.    to you both. xx

[FannyB]

Sadly

So pleased you have seen the light and are starting to put you first. 

Hopefully your fresh start will bring exciting times and new opportunities shared with people who are life enhancing rather than soul-destroying.


Fanny

[Sadly]

  xx