Why couldnt she just say goodbye

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

This bothers me daily.  After going back and forth with NC for the 1st few weeks.  I finally said Id had enough, collected my stuff from her place, which was horrible btw, she was f and just nasty and cold.  Almost like it was my fault it was ending.  And I finally text her saying I loved her and was sorry for my part.  And a goodbye.  And I got nothing in return.  Why wouldnt you just say goodbye?  Why would you leave someone hanging like that? 

[seang]

This bothers me daily.  After going back and forth with NC for the 1st few weeks.  I finally said Id had enough, collected my stuff from her place, which was horrible btw, she was f and just nasty and cold.  Almost like it was my fault it was ending.  And I finally text her saying I loved her and was sorry for my part.  And a goodbye.  And I got nothing in return.  Why wouldnt you just say goodbye?  Why would you leave someone hanging like that? 

[saintgrey]

Learn to shut down your feelings mate, its the only thing that will help you move on.

If you feel anger use it to forget about all this, the silent treatment is the worst kind of abuse and it made me go crazy ! i will never put up with something like that ever again  with my ex she knew exactly how i would react and used it against me.

[SGraham]

I feel you man, i think its usually the lack of a satisfactory goodbye that gets us all. The last time i saw my ex in person, we were together at a music festival and i went to go use the toilet. I get back and she flat left with friends. It also bothers me how my ex could treat me with such little respect after i treated her so well. I think the key is to remember that these people are emotionally like 3 so when they do stuff like that it isn't intentional, in their sick worlds they are merely trying to protect their fragile psyches. Im not saying it diminishes the pain, but there is a certain power in understanding.   

[Dutched]

Sorry to hear, many, really many experienced the same and it hurts deeply.

Imagine a ‘no goodbye’ even after a 3 decades as exw  went ‘temporarily’... .

Anyway.

You are split black, she hates you utterly because of her intense and overwhelming emotions as you are the cause, you are the persecutor that caused her pain.

Therefore logical (in their mind) to consider you as death!

Therefore there is no civilised behaviour as we expect.

Not to be sarcastic, but wait!

Our expectations projected on a emotional 4yr. old?

That is the hardest part, isn’t it? Seeing an adult, expecting an adult but hidden inside a 4 yr old.

So in general, pw BPD never say goodbye.

It is about their need, their emotions, NOT yours.

The love object (you) betrayed them by not fulfilling their expectations (a process you noticed during the course of your r/s, which became more and more bumpier), and THIS was the final drop. 

At that moment they will do anything to survive emotionally.

That means cut/delete too, without thinking about consequences.

There is no empathy to be expected nor emotional adult behaviour.

They don’t care about you when split black.

The best some ever got as a ‘goodbye’ were:

‘take care’ or a  ‘you deserve better’.

And… never face to face, just via txt.

Once we were their favourite ‘hello’, now the hardest ‘goodbye’…

But foremost and as boring as it sounds, accept the fact that the person has a disorder

In case off… when in need… prepare to be a back up plan…

[Mr Hollande]

Well done for picking up your stuff. That took strength. If I may give you any advice it's no more texts or any other form of contact. You'll only open yourself up to more abuse. Be it silent or vocal. Don't do it. Focus on you from here on.

[gameover]

Why can't you just say goodbye?  That's the important question. 

If you look to her for closure, you give her the power to deny it.  Do you think she'll give that power up?  That would go against her entire survival strategy, which is to keep you emotionally dependent on her.  Even if she doesn't need you now, she might later.  Closure?  That would be unhooking you from her line.

When things go south with your replacement what happens when she hits you up to offer you closure.  Maybe over drinks?  Until you can give up that notion you're not out of the FOG yet.  She'll keep you as recyclable as possible for as long as you allow her.

All the best.

[Beach_Babe]

Saying goodbye requires human decency, of which they have none.

[sas1729]

Hey seang,

I'm sorry to hear that you're ruminating about this. As many others have said there is a certain logic to her behaviour. It really does suck, but I agree with others that the only closure you can get is from yourself and a logical understanding of the situation. Getting closure like this is not how we are wired, which is why it's difficult.

I got closure by thinking hard about why I was in a relationship like this for as long as I was. What was it about me that kept me coming back, despite the pain? I had to take a hard look at myself, and in doing so understood some character flaws. Once I realised that I had them, I knew that I could try to improve myself so that the next time around I would not fall into such a predicament. This helped me to leave the past behind, as much as I left my old self behind. Today, I look back on the past relationship with near clinical indifference, and the only real emotions my memories engender are ones of embarrassment and regret (for how I acted, not the relationship). It's like reading a fantasy story because it's so ridiculous. And that, in a sense, is the closure I have. While it's a part of story, it's no longer who I am.

Sorry for writing such philosophy. I know that you are ruminating and in pain because of it. I hope that my story can communicate some bit of closure, because you will not get it from your BPDex, and hoping for it will only keep you trapped, when in reality you are free.

It's all kind of like the Matrix. A made-up world that is a prison for your mind.

[seang]

Thanks for all the comments guys, appreciated.

Dont get me wrong.  I dont think my questions are me looking for closure.  I know that comes from within.  I guess I just have trouble coming to terms with this is what she actually is.  Even during the r/s, i knew things werent quite right, but I'd never experienced this before, so just kinda went along.  I think were our r/s went downhill quickly, was in the fact i wasnt tolerant of this behaviour. Whilst I bit my lip from time to time, sometimes i would fight back.  I even said on occasion that she must had serious issues to be acting this way,  think i even suggested BPD once when i was researching it, and sent her a link. LOL.  That didnt go down well.  And yep, It was me that had it anyway.  according to her.  All the while it was thrown back at me that i had the issues.  I was needy, smothering. LOL.  And i did make slight threats when she pulled away that this would be the last time.  I'd hinted that I was unhappy, this wasnt right, and that i would walk if things carried on.  She even said to me the weekend before we parted, that she needed to make an effort or she knew i wouldnt tolerate it and leave her.  The only genuine bit of sincerity ID ever seen in her.  Well that lasted.  She beat me to it.  Another trait, I know.

Sp yeah, I have good days and bad days.  Considering I have this real empty place in my heart, this is the 1st r/s I havent yet shed a real tear over.  That I dont get.  I mean not one night of despair.  Maybe a year is not long enough for them to have their hooks in a cause damage.  Maybe me realising the last few months, that this was going downhill fast makes it slightly easier to take now.  IDK.

But i still have this love for her even if she is damaged.  I just find it amazing that they can go on and it doesnt affect them.  I mean how fukin lucky is that in a way.  One minute im moving in, planning kids, looking to buy houses, just bought her a car, made love all weekend, then,bang, and argument, a rage, and im out in the cold without a thought for what we had.  Not once even really addressed it.  Im bad, its all mu fault, and I need to let go.  Not even any grief, apology, or goodbye!

Just crazy!

Never, ever again! 

[sas1729]

Seang,

I think you basically got to the bottom of why you're not grieving too much. No despair. It's because, as you said, you were essentially breaking up with her over months. Once you realised BPD you began to detach. So you've already grieved. The rest of the relationship is noise. Since you knew all along that things were not all right you began to detach in order to protect yourself. I was the same way. My grieving was over the last months of the relationship.

It sounds like you may be ready soon to be in a healthy, nurturing relationship. Of course, you are the judge of that. But you have this almost clinical detachment from your previous relationship, which sounds like it's aided by your acceptance of the logic and problems of BPD. I am like that as well.

But in getting back to your original thought - there is no way of wrapping your head around how they are emotionally. Yes, BPD provides a framework for understanding, but that is the most that we can get. Did you leave her the car?

[Pretty Woman]

This is going to be the hardest thing to explain because you, my friend are not disordered... .



There is no closure because it's ALL YOUR FAULT. YOU DID THIS.

Ok, really you didn't. She left you but how they deal with this is they project it onto you to avoid ANY responsibility.  You are the jerk.

Again, you are not a jerk 

See what I'm saying? It's part of their splitting. They can't see inbetween. You are good or bad and there is nothing you can do about it.

The more you try to get "closure" the more she will demonize you. This is where restraining orders come in because the BPD feels "threatened". All you are doing is looking from closure from an insane person and they are threatened?

It's ridiculous to us nons. Almost impossible to wrap your head around.

She's split you. It is nothing personal... .it's the disorder at play. Trust me though... .they can get vindictive and file false charges on you. You need to NC when you are split black. Don't temp fate.

PW

[saintgrey]

This is going to be the hardest thing to explain because you, my friend are not disordered... .



There is no closure because it's ALL YOUR FAULT. YOU DID THIS.

Ok, really you didn't. She left you but how they deal with this is they project it onto you to avoid ANY responsibility.  You are the jerk.

Again, you are not a jerk 

See what I'm saying? It's part of their splitting. They can't see inbetween. You are good or bad and there is nothing you can do about it.

The more you try to get "closure" the more she will demonize you. This is where s come in because the BPD feels "threatened". All you are doing is looking from closure from an insane person and they are threatened?

It's ridiculous to us nons. Almost impossible to wrap your head around.

She's split you. It is nothing personal... .it's the disorder at play. Trust me though... .they can get vindictive and file false charges on you. You need to NC when you are split black. Don't temp fate.

PW

Very scary ! After the silent treatment my ex knew how i would react, i got really crazy for moment and said a lot of things totally out of my character.

The restraining order part its weird because my ex and her mother mentioned, the weird part is that the mother was the one talking a lot about it (this one I'm 100% responsible for her BPD) and my ex said that she didn't want to get to that point, anyway i had a good laugh when she told that "if only you said that you wanted to talk all this could have been avoided" i told her nope your the only one to blame for this whole situation.

Anyway we continued talking for like 2 weeks and had sex, silent treatment but this time i didn't react like she wanted to but she made it look like i was stalking her she returned my call at 5 am with the replacement, the guy I'm sure doesnt know the whole story.

She was suppose to return something very delicate to me, i waited like 3 weeks and called her (she didn't respond) so i send her a txt with a remainder about my things.

I don't think i will try to get it back from her again, i will ask her mother or sister to get it for me.

[Targeted]

They never say goodbye!

The silence screams___ ILL BE BACK!

[Beach_Babe]

The more you try to get "closure" the more she will demonize you. This is where restraining orders come in because the BPD feels "threatened".

Omg this is so true! Thanks for the reminder. It really is sad, huh?