experience with a hfBPDexgf

[seang]

It seems to me a lot of posts on here are about lfBPD, and their infidelity, self harm, abuse etc traits.  But I believe My ex was hf.  Be good to get some experiences from you guys on the main differences and dealing with a hf. 

Its my belief, these "invisibles" are far worst.  I dont think you get the clingy, needy part in splitting as such, but god, they can drive you nuts in a cold, confident, strong way. 

[theoneone]

Yup, my ex is high functioning as well. Holds down a steady job, goes to school, makes lots of friends. If we are ever separated from me she doesn't blow up my phone with texts and calls, she basically just lets me go. She becomes cold and gives the silent treatment along with a air of arrogance. That's when I really see narcissistic traits in her, during times of separation.

It has wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. I know she is suffering from self-hate but she LOOKS like she is this super confident person who can charm anybody. So none of friends have seen her hurtful side. She comes off as a super likable individual who has been through a lot and deserves lots of love, right? Poor thing. But if you get too close to them that's when they show you their true colors. Deceit, lying, manipulative, etc. I'm lucky she didn't ever throw fits of rage. But it kind of hurts my ego that she has made zero effort to get me back in her life. She just moves on like it was nothing, right into the pants of some other man. It is hurtful and confusing.

[seang]

Yup, my ex is high functioning as well. Holds down a steady job, goes to school, makes lots of friends. If we are ever separated from me she doesn't blow up my phone with texts and calls, she basically just lets me go. She becomes cold and gives the silent treatment along with a air of arrogance. That's when I really see narcissistic traits in her, during times of separation.

It has wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. I know she is suffering from self-hate but she LOOKS like she is this super confident person who can charm anybody. So none of friends have seen her hurtful side. She comes off as a super likable individual who has been through a lot and deserves lots of love, right? Poor thing. But if you get too close to them that's when they show you their true colors. Deceit, lying, manipulative, etc. I'm lucky she didn't ever throw fits of rage. But it kind of hurts my ego that she has made zero effort to get me back in her life. She just moves on like it was nothing, right into the pants of some other man. It is hurtful and confusing.

I could of written that myself.  Hope your good man!  Im only 7 weeks out and 2 weeks NC.  Doing my head in.  Almost like they enjoy it.

[gameover]

My BPDexgf was/is very high functioning--to the extent that she was always self-conscious about being the 'crazy girlfriend.'

Because of this, when she split her friends over trivial issues, all of her friends would be desperate to get on her good side. 

That's what made our b/u so crazy to me--we did a total role reversal.  She went from super clingy throughout our whole relationship to not needing me at all.  And for a moment, I almost became the clingy one (luckily I caught myself  ).  However, she's been dysregulating to the extent that our mutual friends have picked up on it a little bit.

But it makes it very hard to spot going into the relationship.  I screen women pretty hard before I let them into my life--she seemed like the most sane, down-to-earth girl ever, a little clingy (which was cute), a little afraid to be hurt.  It also made the little episodes from time to time super easy to forget.   

[SGraham]

I feel that its necessary to join the choir of indivduals with hfexs. My ex holds it in well enough that i and her friends weren't aware that there was a problem until she got super drunk at a party.

But it makes it very hard to spot going into the relationship.  I screen women pretty hard before I let them into my life--she seemed like the most sane, down-to-earth girl ever, a little clingy (which was cute), a little afraid to be hurt.  It also made the little episodes from time to time super easy to forget.   

Totally the same. Because of certain events in my life, i was already a fairly cynical person but my ex managed to completely destroy any walls i had erected. Like you said, she was kinda clingy and a tad unconfident which i found endearing because im the same way.

Yup, my ex is high functioning as well. Holds down a steady job, goes to school, makes lots of friends. If we are ever separated from me she doesn't blow up my phone with texts and calls, she basically just lets me go. She becomes cold and gives the silent treatment along with a air of arrogance. That's when I really see narcissistic traits in her, during times of separation.

It has wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. I know she is suffering from self-hate but she LOOKS like she is this super confident person who can charm anybody. So none of friends have seen her hurtful side. She comes off as a super likable individual who has been through a lot and deserves lots of love, right? Poor thing. But if you get too close to them that's when they show you their true colors. Deceit, lying, manipulative, etc. I'm lucky she didn't ever throw fits of rage. But it kind of hurts my ego that she has made zero effort to get me back in her life. She just moves on like it was nothing, right into the pants of some other man. It is hurtful and confusing.

 

Like the other sg said, i could have written that. I really gave my ex everything i had to give, all my love, all my compassion, all my patience. It's as if my ex took all my good parts and then left with them. My ex didn't just hurt my ego, she killed it, so now im at the point where i basically need to reassess who i am. 

[sas1729]

Hey,

The responses to this thread are in line with what I experienced. My BPDex is high functioning. During our relationship she completed her doctorate. She has a group of friends that she's known since undergrad, and they all like her.

But under the veneer of her professional and social life I experienced many BPD traits. Fights, highs and lows, impossible standards of perfection, and daily anxiety about what will happen were all part of my experience. True, there were no shouting matches. And as someone said, when I got pushed away it was more in silence than in an eruption of texts.

I think, as someone said, one of the important things to be aware of is that a hf pwBPD is probably aware of the social implications of being visibly "crazy". Likewise, my BPDex was proud. On many levels deservedly so, but does anyone know of how I supported her throughout her thesis writing? No.

Of course I was hurt by that. But again, my self-confidence was already trampled, so I dutifully let it pass. Because there were no flailing of arms and extreme shouting matches it usually felt like I was indeed in the wrong. That compounded over a couple years really did my self-confidence in. Furthermore, in part because she was hf she had outside interests and opinions which competed with my own. I wanted to go play hockey - this was discouraged and we had fights over me leaving for a game (on a weeknight and she didn't have to go). It was a struggle. Slowly but surely my own personality was replaced by what she wanted. So in the end I had low self-confidence and had lost my identity in a way.

One final thing that I have noticed is starkly different from many of the posts on this forum. The breakup. She told me early on that when things are over she moves on. She doesn't stay in touch with exes. Well, the day we broke up is the day we went NC. She really never tried to get back with me. In fact, it was actually NC. I read about how many people struggle with their BPDex trying to get them back on the hook. I don't think she would respond to me if I reach out. I think the NC is in part because she was hf. As I said, she was proud, and I really think it would have hurt her pride to try to get back with me. Maybe I'm wrong about this being a facet of high functioning BPD, but it seems plausible.

It took me a long time to accept BPD because she seemed so normal in social situations. Looking back I can now see some strange behaviours indicative of BPD. But at the time I was naive.

[SGraham]

Sas, i think you may be on to something. I havent spoken to my ex once since she broke up with me and honestly i doubt she ever will try to contact me.

[scgator]

Yup, my ex is high functioning as well. Holds down a steady job, goes to school, makes lots of friends. If we are ever separated from me she doesn't blow up my phone with texts and calls, she basically just lets me go. She becomes cold and gives the silent treatment along with a air of arrogance. That's when I really see narcissistic traits in her, during times of separation.

It has wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. I know she is suffering from self-hate but she LOOKS like she is this super confident person who can charm anybody. So none of friends have seen her hurtful side. She comes off as a super likable individual who has been through a lot and deserves lots of love, right? Poor thing. But if you get too close to them that's when they show you their true colors. Deceit, lying, manipulative, etc. I'm lucky she didn't ever throw fits of rage. But it kind of hurts my ego that she has made zero effort to get me back in her life. She just moves on like it was nothing, right into the pants of some other man. It is hurtful and confusing.

I could of written that myself.  Hope your good man!  Im only 7 weeks out and 2 weeks NC.  :)oing my head in.  Almost like they enjoy it.

Same here, could have written it myself. My exgfwuBPD has a lot of friends and always seems happy. She also told me when she's done with someone she's done and this is the first time she's kept contacting an ex. Not sure what to make of that. I did experience constant comparisons to her exbf during the rs and she would text him back when he would reach out to her, plus one night she went through my phone and found spam email about hook ups, russian brides and discrete affairs which triggered her and she ran to his house for consoling (cheating I think - this is when the lies/manipulation really revved up, she said she did sleep with him, didn't, did, didn't, did, didn't, ugh) so I'm not sure I believe what she's saying. She sells it really well though.

[gameover]

My ex didn't just hurt my ego, she killed it, so now im at the point where i basically need to reassess who i am. 

I know it's tough, but that's a super powerful position to be in.  How many people get the opportunity or the motivation to really change who they are?  We live in a culture of "Oh, just be yourself."  But how much of who we are is predetermined by childhood experience and conditioning from a time before we can even remember?  Is that really who we are or just how we learned to adapt to certain situations?  And how many of those are useful/productive adaptations that lead to a better life?

Think about it.  You have the chance to become a better version of yourself.  After having your soul destroyed by a pwBPD, if you can pull yourself out of it, what can really hurt you after that?  Not very much.  

Honestly, through all this I've had to face all my worst fears regarding myself and other people.  And you know what?  I know I don't have to be afraid of that anymore.

[Michelle27]

Mine was high functioning to a point.  He kept a job, although he went through 3 different jobs, all with declining pay and benefits.  Our friends didn't see most of what he showed me behind closed doors until towards the end of the relationship at which time some of them report seeing odd behaviors.  Only then I think did people really understand what it was I went through.

[theoneone]

Think about it.  You have the chance to become a better version of yourself.  After having your soul destroyed by a pwBPD, if you can pull yourself out of it, what can really hurt you after that?  Not very much.  

That's a really good point. We have the ability to learn, grow, and change. I'm looking forward to the next healthy relationship I'm in after getting myself back together. How easy breezy and refreshing will that feel?

[rotiroti]

Mine was a physician who is loved by her patients and friends. The most frustrating part was that I loved that part of her, but no one witnessed her behind closed doors. I actually enjoyed going to her work parties because she would be this completely different person and would love to introduce me to her colleagues and such.

Like the other posters here, much of the acting out was silent treatment or criticisms that would carry immense weight. To make things worse, when she would apologize she would be very lucid and rationally explain that in her emotions she lost self-control and said those soul-destroying things.

but yes, there wasn't any self-harm, yelling, etc... .but terrible just the same!

[seang]

One final thing that I have noticed is starkly different from many of the posts on this forum. The breakup. She told me early on that when things are over she moves on. She doesn't stay in touch with exes. Well, the day we broke up is the day we went NC. She really never tried to get back with me. In fact, it was actually NC. I read about how many people struggle with their BPDex trying to get them back on the hook. I don't think she would respond to me if I reach out. I think the NC is in part because she was hf. As I said, she was proud, and I really think it would have hurt her pride to try to get back with me. Maybe I'm wrong about this being a facet of high functioning BPD, but it seems plausible.

It took me a long time to accept BPD because she seemed so normal in social situations. Looking back I can now see some strange behaviours indicative of BPD. But at the time I was naive.

The breakup, the same,  the pre warning, the same.  My god, too many similarities.   Again, I could have written

[SGraham]

My ex didn't just hurt my ego, she killed it, so now im at the point where i basically need to reassess who i am.  

I know it's tough, but that's a super powerful position to be in.  How many people get the opportunity or the motivation to really change who they are?  We live in a culture of "Oh, just be yourself."  But how much of who we are is predetermined by childhood experience and conditioning from a time before we can even remember?  Is that really who we are or just how we learned to adapt to certain situations?  And how many of those are useful/productive adaptations that lead to a better life?

Think about it.  You have the chance to become a better version of yourself.  After having your soul destroyed by a pwBPD, if you can pull yourself out of it, what can really hurt you after that?  Not very much.  

Honestly, through all this I've had to face all my worst fears regarding myself and other people.  And you know what?  I know I don't have to be afraid of that anymore.

I just have to make sure that the "me" coming out of this is better person than before, i feel like it!s really tempting to become even more cynical and jaded.

[gameover]

I just have to make sure that the "me" coming out of this is better person than before, i feel like it!s really tempting to become even more cynical and jaded.

Why cynical and jaded?  Do you honestly think you can find anyone that'll ever hurt you worse than your hurting now or leave you more exposed? 

You'll be able to spot manipulative behavior 1000 miles away.  And, yeah, maybe none of us'll ever find that fairy tale love story ever again--but we all know how the fairy tale ends.

[theoneone]

Why cynical and jaded?  Do you honestly think you can find anyone that'll ever hurt you worse than your hurting now or leave you more exposed? 

You'll be able to spot manipulative behavior 1000 miles away.  And, yeah, maybe none of us'll ever find that fairy tale love story ever again--but we all know how the fairy tale ends.

Plus that the overly charming, overly seductive, idolization phase of the beginning of the relationship is not normal, healthy behavior. I remember at times the way she looked so deeply into my eyes actually made me feel uncomfortable because in the back of my mind alarm bells were ringing saying this is not normal, alert!

Basically we have to disillusion ourselves that these partners were as "perfect" as we sometimes see them. It's easy to think we won't find love that strong again because of how well they treated us in the beginning, but do we really see our ideal partner as someone who is hateful, manipulative, deceitful, and untrustworthy with no regards to our feelings? Probably not. It's like we are still attracted to what could have been, even though that is not a reflection of reality. It can all really mess with the mind.

[Dutched]

Well this topic resonates and brought memories back of my first ‘aha moment’ yrs. before that r/s ended.

It was spot on. 

Randi Kreger, co-author of Stop Walking on Eggshells, says the situation with high functioning will look more like this:

Denial is their primary characteristic. They disavow having any problems and see no need to change. Relationship difficulties, they say, are everyone else’s fault. In couples therapy, their goal is often to convince the therapist that they are being victimized

They cope with their pain by raging outward, blaming and accusing family members for real or imagined problems (“acting out”) or abusive to significant others

Family members’ greatest challenges include coping with verbal abuse, trying to get their family member to seek treatment, and maintaining their self-esteem and sense of reality.

They refuse to seek help from the mental health system. If they do go, they usually don’t intend to work on their own issues.

They may hide their low self-esteem behind a brash, confident pose that hides their inner turmoil. They usually function quite well at work and only display aggressive behaviour toward those closed to them (high functioning). But the black hole in the gut and their intense self-loathing are still there. It’s just buried deeper

Situational Competence in most places other than the home

Are often perfectionists in some areas of their lives and sometimes do achieve near perfection in these areas

Well Thought of in the Community

Highly Successful Professionally

Lack of Physical Self Mutilation

[SGraham]

I just have to make sure that the "me" coming out of this is better person than before, i feel like it!s really tempting to become even more cynical and jaded.

Why cynical and jaded?  Do you honestly think you can find anyone that'll ever hurt you worse than your hurting now or leave you more exposed? 

You'll be able to spot manipulative behavior 1000 miles away.  And, yeah, maybe none of us'll ever find that fairy tale love story ever again--but we all know how the fairy tale ends.

I've heard so many stories on here about people who end up getting into several relationships with BPD partners so that kinda scared me a bit, But i guess the chances of that happening are pretty slim. you are right though, i guess any relationship from here on out will seem like a piece of cake.

[seang]

Yep.  Its my thinking that hfBPD's are probably one of the worst to get involved with.  Granted they have the disorder, but they are so in touch with reality too, or at least able to function at that level without sign, and that things just dont get on top of them.  It truly is a real Jeckel and Hyde.

Trust me!

[sas1729]

Hey everyone,

I've said this before, but it does seem like the majority of threads on this forum involve lfBPDexes. Low functioning meaning having troubles with finances or anger management (public shouting and possibly physical abuse). Being involved with a pwBPD of that nature has its host of challenges. High functioning pwBPD bring their own set of challenges. I don't want to say which is harder; it's all difficult and painful. Maybe the pain is manifested in different ways, but we all went through emotional trauma that we did not deserve.

It's interesting, still, to have this thread about hfBPD. My ex just had a way of making me feel responsible for problems and in the wrong. The few times, and they were genuinely rare, that she actually acted in a "crazy" fashion (fighting in public, etc), really pushed me along towards ending the relationship. Maybe my tolerance for subversive pain such as logic traps and manipulation was much higher than anything "crazy" from her. I think the damage caused by a hfBPD relationship may also be different because of this. I said earlier that I completely lost myself, meaning my identity, to the relationship. I stopped pursuing my hobbies, pushed away my family, and infrequently saw my friends. Everyone on the outside could see how bad the situation was, but the logic games we played within the relationship kept me trapped.

Trampled self-confidence and a dispelled identity are a bad combination, and intrinsically it led to a basic fear of facing the world without my BPDex. She was my world and my identity, and the rest did not matter. I have read several threads and posts about perpetually "breaking up" and getting back together within a week or so. This never happened in my relationship. Yes, I was "sent away" (like being punished with a time-out as a child) and those moments terrified me. But there was never a mention of a breakup. Inevitably the time-out would end in a day or so, and I would return to her place. I basically lived there, and we almost never spent time at my place. My apt was not as nice, but the key is that it was MY apt. I had my things there, my decorations, my photographs, my identity. But none of that was valued very much.

All of this is just me trying to look at how the pain can be different based on how high functioning our BPDexes were. I truly don't know what it is like to be with someone who shouts a lot, pushes you around, breaks up only to bombard you with texts... .I can only imagine that it must be a whirlwind of crazy that leaves you staggered when it finally ends. For my case, though, I was left an empty shell with trampled self-confidence. Instead of it ending with a thunderstorm, my ending was silence. I don't know how many can relate, but I think if some can then they would be posting on this thread.

[enlighten me]

Is there such a thing as a mid funtioning BPD?  My ex wife was low functioning and I thought my exgf was high functioning but she also has low funtioning traits. She did well in college. Had a decent career. Lots of friends and everyone thinks she is wonderful. On the other hand she has public outbursts. Is bad with money and anger management issues.