How do you stop comparing yourself with your ex's new partner?

[theoneone]

This has been one of the most difficult things for me to work through. I left her after repeatedly ignoring my boundaries and she would act in highly suspicious ways with other men. One night I didn't speak to her the entire night, heard from her at 4 pm the next day and she told me she did a bunch of cocaine and got drunk and ended up having a one-on-one boxing match with an ex-fling of hers by themselves in his apartment. That was the last straw and I knew I had to get out to save my decency.

Well... .9 days later I'm calling her up to hang out again like an idiot. We hang out, have some fun, dance around, but I find out that during that time she found herself a sex buddy. She's 27, he is 47. She tells me about their sex life and why it's so good. She tells me she's not making a good decision on purpose and that they have this weird dynamic that she likes exploring right now, but she'd be happy if I stayed in her life. He is "kind of like a father figure" in a way.

Ouch. I left and I haven't talked to her in 35 days. But my mind is constantly comparing myself to this new person in her life. They are still seeing each-other. I was at the bar and he drove and dropped her off and picked her drunk ass up later. I didn't say anything to either of them.

It hurts really bad to feel like I was so quickly "traded in" for an older man. I dunno... .for some reason that is just reaching a place in me that hurts deep. Like I wasn't man enough for her or something. She says he spanks her so hard that she almost cries. She told me that. I had to get out. So now I have images of her feeling super sexually satisfied and taken care of by this guy while I was totally disrespected and she made no attempt to keep me around. I mean we had a great sex life too but my mind is all twisted up like she found something better. Like this new person knows how to better handle her and they'll fall in love and I was a failure. I feel like it's creating psychological damage in me. I have a therapist that I just started seeing. Please someone tell me that what she is doing is not healthy and that it in no way is a "replacement" for the love and care I poured into her and the relationship for almost 3 years.

[workinprogress]

This has been one of the most difficult things for me to work through. I left her after repeatedly ignoring my boundaries and she would act in highly suspicious ways with other men. One night I didn't speak to her the entire night, heard from her at 4 pm the next day and she told me she did a bunch of cocaine and got drunk and ended up having a one-on-one boxing match with an ex-fling of hers by themselves in his apartment. That was the last straw and I knew I had to get out to save my decency.

Well... .9 days later I'm calling her up to hang out again like an idiot. We hang out, have some fun, dance around, but I find out that during that time she found herself a sex buddy. She's 27, he is 47. She tells me about their sex life and why it's so good. She tells me she's not making a good decision on purpose and that they have this weird dynamic that she likes exploring right now, but she'd be happy if I stayed in her life. He is "kind of like a father figure" in a way.

Ouch. I left and I haven't talked to her in 35 days. But my mind is constantly comparing myself to this new person in her life. They are still seeing each-other. I was at the bar and he drove and dropped her off and picked her drunk ass up later. I didn't say anything to either of them.

It hurts really bad to feel like I was so quickly "traded in" for an older man. I dunno... .for some reason that is just reaching a place in me that hurts deep. Like I wasn't man enough for her or something. She says he spanks her so hard that she almost cries. She told me that. I had to get out. So now I have images of her feeling super sexually satisfied and taken care of by this guy while I was totally disrespected and she made no attempt to keep me around. I mean we had a great sex life too but my mind is all twisted up like she found something better. Like this new person knows how to better handle her and they'll fall in love and I was a failure. I feel like it's creating psychological damage in me. I have a therapist that I just started seeing. Please someone tell me that what she is doing is not healthy and that it in no way is a "replacement" for the love and care I poured into her and the relationship for almost 3 years.

Theoneone, you know this isn't healthy, or else you wouldn't have thought to ask about it.  They may have a highly charged relationship, but what do you think will ultimately happen?

Here's a tip that I am figuring out.  Focus so much on yourself and healing yourself, that you don't have time to worry about her and her behaviors.  Do something and set the world on fire!

[gameover]

Hey man, glad you got out.  Respect.  I know how hard it can be to walk away.  Especially when it come down to what you want to do vs. what you have to do to keep your dignity intact.

Now, about your ex... .  Remember, there was a time when you were "the best thing that ever happened to her."  She was "so satisfied."  Etc., etc. 

I know it's hard to let go of the idealization phase.  But right now you're letting a mentally disordered female determine you're self worth.  What she's doing isn't healthy; you know that.  And telling you about it is mad disrespectful.

But the cool thing is that at the end of the day you get to decide your own value.  Stick to your guns, live the kind of life you want to for YOU, and eventually you'll meet a girl that will want to get on board with that.  All the best.

[Dutched]

I understand your pain, however, please, don’t compare yourself with another guy.

Want to know why? Because you are unique therefore can’t be replaced by a ‘replacement’! 

As you will read many times and later fully understand, it is not about you, it is her.

PwBPD suppress grieve (a defense mechanism) out of coping in order to ‘move on’.

You have seen (sadly enough) signs of certain behaviour in the aftermath as their emotional core is underdeveloped (no or partial sense of self)

= pwBPD craves for love, to be loved. So anyone who gives her attention and is seen as nice, will become ‘the best ever happened to me’.

So fat, athletic, rich, poor or a great granddad (as exw is hooked by), it doesn’t matter.

= to make their core complete, pwBPD are often compared with chameleons. So they will most certainly abandon everything she was with you. That is in order to have a deep and understanding bond (but superficial as you might have noticed, as deep emotional subjects were avoided).

 

In time, despite every r/s is different, the disorder will surface again, no doubt and don’t worry about that.

Please focus on the most important, YOU.

[gameover]

P.S. Never seriously date a girl who girl who drinks more than you do   

[OnceConfused]

You should not care who she is with. Why would you do that?

The only thing that I can see, is that your x is trying to use your replacement as a way to taunt you, to tell you that she is worth it, and you don't know what you are missing, to make you jealous.

Be thankful that you are out. Then say a prayer for her replacement because his inevitable suffering is coming and coming fast to him.

[JohnLove]

Hello theoneone, sorry to learn of your suffering. I have learnt the hard way not to ever trust 100% what a pwBPD says... .ESPECIALLY under these circumstances. The real truth may be quite different. Don't buy it. They will cause hurt to someone they have painted black any way they can. It might even be a recycle attempt. 

[Turkish]

Well... .9 days later I'm calling her up to hang out again like an idiot. We hang out, have some fun, dance around, but I find out that during that time she found herself a sex buddy. She's 27, he is 47. She tells me about their sex life and why it's so good.

Stop. Right there. This has to be hurtful to you. Do you communicate that it is and stop the conversation?

[rickdeckard]

Well... .9 days later I'm calling her up to hang out again like an idiot. We hang out, have some fun, dance around, but I find out that during that time she found herself a sex buddy. She's 27, he is 47. She tells me about their sex life and why it's so good.

Stop. Right there. This has to be hurtful to you. Do you communicate that it is and stop the conversation?

I'm with Turkish here, and would like to add something - that feels like emotional abuse on her part. No one should be treated like that.

[GreenEyedMonster]

You are operating on the assumption that this is a normal relationship, and that your former partner is seeking out the *best* boyfriend she thinks she deserves.

She is not emotionally capable of doing that.  Anyone who pays attention to her is going to be a candidate for supplying her with self-esteem.  She needs this self-esteem so badly that she will look past almost any flaw, incompatibility, or even danger.  She did it with you and now she is doing it with this guy.  The fact that she is happy with this guy has nothing to do with who is the better man, or even who was the better boyfriend.  For reasons that exist only in her mind, this guy is making her feel safe right now.  His fifteen minutes will be up soon.

You'll be a lot happier if you stop thinking there is any real reason that he is "satisfying" her that you can figure out.

[theoneone]

Well... .9 days later I'm calling her up to hang out again like an idiot. We hang out, have some fun, dance around, but I find out that during that time she found herself a sex buddy. She's 27, he is 47. She tells me about their sex life and why it's so good.

Stop. Right there. This has to be hurtful to you. Do you communicate that it is and stop the conversation?

Well, we were laying in bed when I found out. And I asked why she got involved in that and what the appeal was and she told me because the sex was really good and told me about how rough it was. I asked if she was being safe about it at least and she said no that they weren't using protection. I quickly realized that asking questions was just hurting me further, so I didn't ask any more questions after that. She knew her answers hurt me. That's when I truly knew that things between us were done for good. It was too much of a mess and the girl I once knew turned out to be someone completely different and I saw her for the first time as ugly. Thankfully we didn't have sex that night, I refused because I knew she is prone to being promiscuous and I'm glad I made the right choice for my own health, even though she was practically begging me for it.

GreenEyed thanks for your response. I do have trouble separating all of this from a normal relationship/breakup. I learned she had BPD early on in the relationship but like a fool I didn't really educate myself until the relationship started to collapse. Now I am having to re-evaluate what the relationship event meant and looking a this breakup from a totally different point of view. I know she is running to the next thing that makes her feel safe and secure. It is still hurtful, but I am learning to not take it personally. It's hurtful because she seems so willing to walk away from me and stay with this other man, making no attempts to keep me in her life. Not that I want that, but that is why I am comparing, because she is choosing to be with him rather than attempting to be with me. That is just my ego being damaged and I obviously have my own issues of self-esteem to work through to get past that.

[Pretty Woman]

The OneOne,

   She sounds very emotionally abusive.  You know how I stopped caring about my replacement?

When I realized that none of this has anything to do with me.

Yes, I played the "game". I took her back more times than fingers on my hands... .and I have all ten.

I had no idea what the hell BPD was. Doesn't matter. I ALLOWED someone to treat me piss poor. Why? Bad self esteem coupled with mommy issues I didn't realize I had.  My mom is BPD so is her twin sister. My mom and her sister married two brothers. Those are my closest cousins. That whole side is heavy drinkers (multiple DUI's) with severe issues-bi polar and mood swings.

Overall I am lucky. I am an attractive woman, successful. I have no debt. I live well BELOW my means but travel and can afford luxuries when I want them. I am talented. I am a trained opera singer, a comedy writer. I have a job where I get to use my creative talents. I have friends and am social. I run a social group with over 250 people.

My replacement joined my group desperate to make friends. She said she had none. She hooked up with my ex.

Karma.

This is a person that is very insecure, needy and my ex will eat her alive. I was angry the first few months. Now I am not even angry at my ex... .if I am it is fleeting.

She is incapable of giving and receiving love. All she leaves in her wake are broken souls. I am finally moving forward. I have a huge heart and am not afraid to love. I like receiving love... .I was getting none of that. Absolutely NONE of my needs were met in three years.

Pity the replacement. Even if they knew about you, you were likely slandered by the ex.  Trust me... .I used to think all her exes were rat asss. Now I realize they were just like me... .core wounded and attracted to someone who was not healthy for us.

It gets better. If she showed up today I could honestly say I would turn her away with kindness. I don't want anything to do with her. She damages my life, she doesn't enhance it in any way.


Be good to yourself. Don't compare yourself to the next Joe Schmoe. He will inevitably suffer. Maybe longer (if he has no boundaries). Rest assured, it will never be a reciprocal relationship... .only a facade.

PW

[SGraham]

"I used to think all her exs were rat asss" - made my day.

[sas1729]

Dude,

That's pretty messed up. And yes, telling you was a calculated move to make her feel better by thinking she "triumphed" over you. Frankly, that's pathetic.

I'm sorry, but from the outside hearing what you are saying is absolutely ridiculous of her. In fact it's dangerous from a sexual health point of view. This is not good and in no way will this be a "better" relationship than what you had with her. Just do yourself a favour and go NC.

I know that you are hurting. If there is a next time she pours drunkenly into your pub take a good look and see what you've escaped. Someday you'll be at a pub with a future girlfriend, happily in a healthy relationship, and this will be such utter drivel that you won't bother thinking about it.

As with so many other posts, I think you and all of us deserve so much better.

[stacma04]

In someways its very difficult to not compare yourself, were all human. I know my Ex PBD BF is now engaged to a beautiful woman. But do not compare yourself to them, they are mentally ill people and who they trap into there craziness has nothing to do with you, its all about them... .stay strong

My Ex BPDBF is engaged, and I am now in a healthy relationship. I have unblocked him from my Facebook after going NC. I think that now that he's engaged and I'm in a relationship he will leave me alone. I think I deep down, I want him to see that I've moved on and I'm not waiting for him to come back.

Does anyone have Any thoughts on this ? Is this a bad idea to unblock him?

[Pretty Woman]

Stacema,

   Are you still with your ex?

No.

Unblocking him not a great idea. He's engaged... .not married. No guarantee he won't attempt to come back.

Keep life predictable. NC. No Un-blocking.

And it's all about them anyways. Seeing you happy, even years later still may trigger. You don't need that.

PW

[gameover]

Thankfully we didn't have sex that night, I refused because I knew she is prone to being promiscuous and I'm glad I made the right choice for my own health, even though she was practically begging me for it.

THAT is taking your power back.  THAT is an indication of self-esteem.  And that tells you all you need to know--if he was so good in bed then she wouldn't need you, except that in the context of many pwBPD SEX=CONTROL.

Once you can detach your ego from the relationship you'll be good to go.

[Herodias]

I am kinda obsessed with my exes situation as well, since she is totally different than him or me. So ridiculously different, he used to make fun of people like her! I think the comments above telling that it doesn't matter who they are with as long as they are giving them praise and attention, they will latch on makes sense to me now. Honestly I feel better about myself that he has lowered his standards really really low. I may have been more jealous if she was pretty at all.  I don't see how he will remain happy in this situation, he keeps calling me for money all the time and I refuse to help him- I tell him to ask her! But poor guy, she's broke too. He only is because he can't stop spending... .particularlly on booze. I had hoped my leaving would prompt him to get help... .I think that is why I am so sad... .He just chose to find some loser that praises him and feeds his ego and drinks with him! It's very sad.

[Cleveland]

That's pretty messed up. And yes, telling you was a calculated move to make her feel better by thinking she "triumphed" over you. Frankly, that's pathetic.

I have a strong belief that my ex moved on so quickly with my replacement - introduce D3 at two months with immediate sleepovers, moved in at three months, and engaged at four months - for two reasons: 1) emotional and financial stability and 2) to get a reaction out of me.

He makes a lot of money - she was always a lifestyle queen.  Also she got him to propose in four months whereas I didn't propose in five years - I believe that had her feeling like it was clearly me that was the problem not her. 

[balletomane]

It is really hard not to compare myself to my ex's new partner. She's a lot prettier than I am. She works in the exact same field as me, but she is four years younger than I am and still has better clinical qualifications. We even have some hobbies in common and she is better in all of them. I am still plodding along at beginner level in a language class that she is proficient enough to teach. She's the kind of person who can manage to cook a full and delicious meal every night, whereas I end up burning saucepans and falling back on beans on toast. She feels like a more beautiful, more capable version of me and that really hurts. And it hurts too that she's so nice with a great sense of humour. I know her personally. (She's my ex's flatmate.) If she were horrible I maybe wouldn't mind so much.

I am 95% sure that she doesn't know that my ex and I were still romantically and sexually involved when they got together (he'd lied to her about it before - she asked, and he denied it). When he broke the news to me he told me that his flatmate really likes me and she hopes I will still come round often. When I failed to do that, I am sure he gave her his own version of events - he'd made such a generous offer of friendship, but I was so unreasonable and still not over him, and I tried to emotionally blackmail him (yes, he accused me of that when I got upset at being told he'd replaced me with no warning). I don't know if she'll believe him, but the fact that she's still with him suggests that she does. I'm pretty sure he will also have told her how much I hate her or some such rubbish. I don't. He told me that his girlfriend before me really didn't like me, and now I don't believe that either.

I also worry that his new gf will be able to make him happy and stable, and that I will have to face the fact that it was only my own deficiencies that caused our relationship to implode.

[klacey3]

I find it extremely hard not to. I remember when I was with him I would feel really jealous and insecure about his exs. I thought it was me with the problem. Then I remembered the comments he would make "what size clothes do you wear? Most of my exs were size *smaller number*". "I thought my ex was the one i never thought i would get over her, my family loved her, you can't meet them until I know they will like you more" "my ex was a breath of fresh air compared to you. She was always honest and treated me alot better" he would have alot of pictures of his exs on facebook and none of me. I used to torture myself on how he must think they are so much better looking and like them more.

Do they really mean these things? Or is it just emotional manipulation?

I think if he got a new girlfriend I would feel the same. I would worry he would treat them better than he treated me and he would love them more and do more to make them happy. This isnt all in my head, he already told me he was taking someone on a date to the zoo. This is somewhere he knew i always wanted to go with him and never did... .

[LostGhost]

Klacey3, wow... .I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I understand all too well. Your post really resonates with me. I was hoping maybe someone could offer an answer about this specific issue.

I remember our first conflict in the recycle. I took her out for her birthday and it was over the top. I really went all out for it to make her feel special. I spent so much time, money and energy to make sure she had an amazing time. And she did... .but right when the night was winding down, she pulled out her phone and started going through her facebook pictures and showing them to me like "look here I am at this place with xxxx". Most of them were just male friends but some were of her ex. And what I noticed is there wasn't a single one of us or anything we'd done, in all the time we'd been together. And I remember feeling so hurt that these random people who aren't even that important or involved in her life occupied this space on her facebook and I didn't. And it hurt so much that I had to bring it up.

That didn't go too well. I was called jealous, possessive, insecure. You name it. And she brought that up forevermore as breaking her heart, I betrayed her by being insecure and jealous and on and on. All I asked was why there weren't any pictures of us. It seemed reasonable to me that I should be able to be questioning that.

Which brings me to my point... .why do they feel ok having some photos of exes around but not ours? She even told me she used to give her ex back massages, sexual favours etc. and I never received any. Why? I don't know about being "jealous" but I sure felt inferior, like I didn't matter as much.