BPD and spending

[Sofie]

Last night I watched a tv program about the many reasons as to why people end up in bottomless debt. It got me thinking about the relationship my exBPD had with money, which still equally puzzles and scares me.

Long story short: A while into our relationship I began wondering about how her rather modest income could support a lifestyle of constant shopping for luxury items and I asked her about it. Her father had recently died, and she told me that she had inherited some money from him. Knowing that her parents were relatively well-off, I found it plausible that she could afford her lifestyle at the time even though I personally found it extremely extravagant. But hey, I was in love.  

Fast forward, I began noticing that she always seemed to have "forgotten" her wallet when we went out and seemed to neglect shopping for many basic commodities. Then one day, she asked me if she could borrow money to pay her rent. Puzzled, I questioned her about why she suddenly lacked funds, and she broke down and told that she had never had any (besides her modest income) to begin with, but was buried up to her neck in debt.

She showed me some letters and emails from really shady online loan services, and even though I suspect that the rabbit hole went much deeper, I from those alone could deduct that there would be a good chance that she, now in her mid-30s, would never be able to repay just a fraction of the massive amount of money she owed. Turned out that her entire lifestyle was based exclusively on high-interest loans.

I was just flabbergasted that a woman who was so intelligent could gamble away her future like that just to have the newest Iphone in every colour. We had discussed moving in together, buying a summer cottage together... .man, I feel I dodged a bullet.

I have since learned a lot about BPD and understand that this recklessness of hers is part of her illness, and it is just tragic, really.

How was you BPD partner with money?

[Darsha500]

Mine has 30,000 in debt. Towards the end of our relationship she bought a brand new car for her latest job which involved driving around autistic people and integrating them into the community. She was convinced she needed a new car for this, sense her old car was on the verge of breaking down.

Well, she ended up having to get a second job in order to pay for the car which she bought for her first job. So. I-RATIONAL!

In sum = horrible with money.

[Suspicious1]

Mine was careful with money, hated any debt, yet was very generous to me when I needed help. It wasn't one of his weak points, I guess.

[coldmist]

My exgf controlled the finances in her relationship with her ex that I replaced. Money was one thing she behaved like an adult about. She was careful with it, paid her bills on time, etc. She's high functioning and narcissistic though.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mine is a financial disaster waiting to happen.

He lives with his brother, and their combined income is about half the federal poverty level.  He has student loans, pretty serious credit card debt, and a mortgage to pay.  They hire a lawn service to do their lawn and run their air conditioning wantonly.  He somehow found money to go on three vacations this year.

He is not employed full-time and lacks health insurance.  He has not worked since sometime in May.  He is basically an independent contractor, so if he feels like taking a day off, he does.  I have no idea what he does all day, really.  I would be bored out of my mind.  He describes himself as having a good work ethic and says he likes getting up to go to work.  I guess this is selective.

He quits jobs impulsively just because he feels like it, or because he deems them "not worth it."  He ended a ten-year career in his field of expertise because it was "not worth it."

When we first started dating, he described himself as "good at saving money."  I have news for him -- putting money in the bank when you have as much debt as he does is not "saving"!

[antelope]

mine filed for bankruptcy at 29, amassing massive debt mostly through clothes shopping... .overall, she was a DISASTER with money

she went right back into the thick of debt during our relationship, and was asking to borrow several thousands towards the end (she was a teacher and had saved zero for that upcoming summer)... .

thank god I never lent her that money!

[JohnnyShoes]

Sofie

I can identify with you. My exBPDgf also came into money.

I remember her telling me stories of when she would just Give It Away... .she said she's just that way... its only money. She told me her father once berated her for that.

I found she was hap hazardly throwing money at me. Then she called me one day to say the church dropped her off a hundred... .she told them she couldn't pay it back, they insisted (cause she had been in poor shape previously with her 30 ye old daughter)

Anyways... she accepted it.

She collects SSdisability.(bad back/quarter of a disc). (?). .and works over 40 hrs a week stocking shelves, unloading trucks.

She wanted to take me to Captiva Island after our 3rd date (rich island)

Towards the end I learned.

She's behind in Rent.

Her Car payment is 3 months in arrears.

.and she was buying me stuff she said I needed (?)

I knew the difficulties of her rent... and daughter who just wants to freeload, take pain pills and have a personality worse than a Wolf... .

Bit, to be 3 months behind in A CAR Payment?

Scary... .just another piece of the puzzle I was looking for to build this case of her having a PD.

Yes, was thinking of moving in. At one point, I thought of marriage.

Dodge a bullet? That's putting it easy.

[balletomane]

Mine was sensible with money. He didn't seem to want to own many things - he would only buy something if it was needed. Come to think of it, this is one reason why I used to find his room a bit cold and unwelcoming: most people take some pleasure in decorating their space, have got favourite books or a chair they particularly like, etc. He had none of that. His room was purely functional.

[hopealways]

BPD tend to overspend, it stems from their sense of entitlement.

[DearBFF]

I myself had credit card debt of over $10,000 at one point so I probably should't talk.   

I actually thought BFF was doing good with money as when we would make plans I'd try to plan something free/cheap, but she would often suggest going out to eat.  I wouldn't argue, because that never ends well.  I figured she could afford it, but then I would get confusing messages when I would suggest thrift shopping or window shopping to spend little/no money and she would turn me down saying "I don't have any money to spend."  I would think maybe it's because she is in between paychecks.  Then I found out that she has over $600 of credit card debt, and is struggling now that her roommate moved out (partly due to her ex-boyfriend practically moving in) so she can't afford all of her rent.  One of the last nights we hung out before the last boot from her life she actually was excitedly telling me she applied online and was approved for a new credit card.  She said it was better to just get a new one than just get her limit raised, apparently it wasn't much more than the $600 that was already on it.  I don't know what will happen when that second limit is met, but perhaps "boyfriend" is paying for her things now?  Her parents just gave her a check, which she spent on who knows what as she probably could have paid off her debt with it although I'm sure she didn't.  It's not like she goes out and spends a ton, she isn't out drinking like she used to be when she had a better paying job, but she spends to make herself feel better it seems.

It's frustrating watching it, as if it were me I'd move to a cheaper apartment, and/or get a better paying job.  She just comes up with excuses though about why that's not possible so she keeps on adding to her debt and living in a place she can't afford.  Unfortunately, her long term vision isn't so good and I hate to think how it might end if she keeps it up.  How many credit cards will she have next time, with how much debt?  I honestly feel like the main reason she doesn't have that much debt is because she prefers other vices, like sex and/or weed to spending.  I suppose at least the sex is cheaper... .