why is it so hard to let go?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I had my ex's unwanted contact logged today with the police. They gave me advice about what to do if he continues to find ways of contacting me etc. They said there was nothing they could do at this point as I was still responding to his messages (even though in them I was telling him I no longer wanted contact and will contact police if he continues)

It made me realise that deep down a part of me must still want contact as the thought of never ever having another conversation with him or hearing from again feels heartbreaking. But at the same time freeing that I will never have to listen to his guilt tripping, verbal and emotional abuse, mood swings and accusations ever again. It got to the point where he told me he wanted to kill himself without me, then begged for me back, then became nasty and then made confessions about how everything was a lie and he never cared about me at all he just used me and cheated on me the whole time.

When I have put up with so much emotional pain and confusion, contradictions etc, why do I feel like I am going to miss him so much? Why is it so hard to let go?

I know he wasnt good for me and there is no way i could be with him after everything that has happened. Since finding out how he used me and never cared about me and cheated on me the whole time I feel even worse and more emotionally attached...

At times I think he wasn't even bad or worrying, even though mentally I know he fits the description perfectly of an emotionally and verbally abusive person. Why would I miss being abused emotionally and verbally by someone who wanted all of their needs met but not mine? Why would I miss someone after hearing them confess they used me and cheated on me, hated aspects of my personality and how everyone in their life hated me?

I feel ashamed of myself for even feeling this way about someone who has treated me so badly, yet at the same time im confused whether it was that bad...

[klacey3]

I had my ex's unwanted contact logged today with the police. They gave me advice about what to do if he continues to find ways of contacting me etc. They said there was nothing they could do at this point as I was still responding to his messages (even though in them I was telling him I no longer wanted contact and will contact police if he continues)

It made me realise that deep down a part of me must still want contact as the thought of never ever having another conversation with him or hearing from again feels heartbreaking. But at the same time freeing that I will never have to listen to his guilt tripping, verbal and emotional abuse, mood swings and accusations ever again. It got to the point where he told me he wanted to kill himself without me, then begged for me back, then became nasty and then made confessions about how everything was a lie and he never cared about me at all he just used me and cheated on me the whole time.

When I have put up with so much emotional pain and confusion, contradictions etc, why do I feel like I am going to miss him so much? Why is it so hard to let go?

I know he wasnt good for me and there is no way i could be with him after everything that has happened. Since finding out how he used me and never cared about me and cheated on me the whole time I feel even worse and more emotionally attached...

At times I think he wasn't even bad or worrying, even though mentally I know he fits the description perfectly of an emotionally and verbally abusive person. Why would I miss being abused emotionally and verbally by someone who wanted all of their needs met but not mine? Why would I miss someone after hearing them confess they used me and cheated on me, hated aspects of my personality and how everyone in their life hated me?

I feel ashamed of myself for even feeling this way about someone who has treated me so badly, yet at the same time im confused whether it was that bad...

[disillusionedandsore]

It was that bad,  it sounds horrific.  The thing is he was lovely at times too.  In the beginning he was probaby very attentive,  charming etc? Things gradually got worse and you were most likely 'hooked' on the push/pull drama without realising it.  (Intermittent reinforcement is very powerful)

I went through this type of questioning of myself too in the early days of the break up and NC... .How the hell am I missing that madness? What is wrong with me? How did this happen to my Life?

Reading about the Jekyll and Hyde personality helped as did reading about grieving and bereavement.  If I could only have the good stuff without the bad... .but that was not realistic (facing the facts of BPD).

This went on for me for quite a while,  I learned to be gentle with myself around missing the good times and his good qualities,  grieving for my lost hopes and reminding myself of the worst stuff so I would never go back.

It's a rollercoaster during and a rollercoaster after until we get down the healing road a bit.

Keep sharing and posting. 

[GreenEyedMonster]

I'm having one of those nights when I miss him like crazy too.  I know better.  But it sure hurts.

Mine left me, not the other way around, so I have no control.  He went NC on me and told me never to contact him again.  It is beyond me how he can not miss me at all.  I am in so much pain some days, and it's been 22 days.  I hope it gets better soon.

[hopealways]

I still look out the window wondering, hoping she will be walking back miraculously cured of BPD.  As the days pass I do become stronger, sometimes in ways I never thought possible.

[Mutt]

Hi klacey9,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Someone said despite his bad behaviors that there's likely times he paid attention and was nice? I completely understand and it's Ok to feel this way. The police told you that there's not much that they can fo for now.

I recall having over 50 replies back and forth with my ex in e-mails. I was frustrated, angry, hurt that she abandoned me and was having an affair behind my back.

We can get off this emotional roller coaster by detaching. I understand how hard that is to let go, we have suffered enough in these r/s' and deserve better. The first step is always the hardest and you have support here from people that can relate.

[theoneone]

I'm having one of those nights when I miss him like crazy too.  I know better.  But it sure hurts.

Mine left me, not the other way around, so I have no control.  He went NC on me and told me never to contact him again.  It is beyond me how he can not miss me at all.  I am in so much pain some days, and it's been 22 days.  I hope it gets better soon.

It's such a conflict of feelings. Missing someone and being mad at them and wondering if they even give a damn about you anymore. I left my ex and went NC, almost a month later out of the blue she texts me telling me she hates me and to never contact her again. Then two days later how wonderful I am and how she loves me but that those will be the final words she says to me.

And here this whole time I was hoping she would text me that she misses me and she wants me back and blah blah blah. Nope.

It does get easier. One month was a real turning point for me. I miss her less, but for some reason I find myself sad more often. I think this is because it's finally sinking in that there is a good chance she really never will contact me again and it's finally done for good. Hurts pretty bad but there's light at the end of the tunnel: a more level and happy life!

[hopealways]

One month seems to be a common recycle time.