My alcoholic dad left my (i suspect) BPD mom... kill me now...

[GirlsCanDoMath]

Hello!

I went to therapy for about two years and my therapist suspected my mother was BPD, but she was never officially diagnosed.

I found the following article and it really hit home for me... .

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

My mother meets every sign on the list. I felt like someone was writing the article about her.  :'(

Do I belong here? Is an emotional bully the same as a BPD?

Thank you

B.

[Leaving]

I'm familiar with that site you referenced.  While I think the information they provide has merit, they seem very slanted against women in general which I find rather offensive or unprofessional given how BPD affects both men and women.  I'd be concerned that a site like that would attract the very type of people that they consider abusive. Keep in mind that narcissists and borderlines will always see themselves as victims of other's abusive behaviors and they are masters at garnering sympathy from third parties.

It sounds like both of your parents have severe issues which I'm sure has been an utter nightmare for you.  Given how your mother has lived with an alcoholic, it might be presumptuous to assume she has BPD since she may be reacting to her marital circumstances. Addicts are narcissists by nature- completely self absorbed and concerned only with their own needs. What I mean is that I know what it's like to live with a husband addict who has BPD and I'm sure there were times when I may have been so frustrated or angry or depressed that I appeared to be the disordered one.  Nonetheless, you know more about their relationship and their behaviors.  Also, my husband is passive aggressive, so he never loses his temper but rather does things to get others to lose theirs! 

I think you could benefit from reading about codependent family dynamics and perhaps adult children of alcoholics as well as the articles on this site.  So, yes, I think you are in a good place and the moderators here are very objective, helpful and non-discriminating.

Glad that you have a therapist.  You can't change your parents but you can help yourself to become healthy and that's what is MOST important

[Turkish]

Hello GirlsCanDoMath,

We certainly welcome you whether your mother is diagnosed or not.

In what ways does she bully you emotionally? Take a look at this and tell us if she fits the categries:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

Turkish

[GirlsCanDoMath]

Thank you for your replies... .

I went through therapy about 8 years ago and I went for 2 years. I was recommended to read "Walking on Egg Shells" which was a nice read, but I felt like there a few traits my mother did not possess at the time so I thought... .well maybe she isnt. Her father was Bipolar so I chalked it up to some of his behaviors rubbing off on her.

I would like to order this book you just sited about "the waif, hermit, queen, and witch". The description of these gave me some chills, as she shows behaviors from all 4.

Queen: My mother is extremely controlling.

Witch: She has attacked me physically (not regularly but a few times). In her rages she almost blacks out... doesnt remember the vile things shes said to me throughout my life.

Hermit: Through my growing up she was scared of EVERYTHING... .not so much now... .she almost grew out of those irrational fears. I am scared of many things... .not blaming her but it was just something I felt kind of applied to me.

Waif: This is a big one. There is always a crisis and she is always the victim... .it is never her fault and everyone is out to get her... .and this is where is kind of gets interesting with my dad... .

I think we also need to add in the fairy tale fathers. It is pretty common on the children of board to watch a person process their mother's illness and then have a lightbulb moment where the father is concerned.

page 179: Understanding the father's relationship with the Borderline Mother is essential in understanding the child's experience.

The Waif marries a Frog Prince, someone she can rescue and who she thinks will rescue her.The Waif identifies with the Frog's helplessness and fantasizes about providing for him what she needs for herself.

The Hermit seeks a Hunter, a partner who will pity and protect her. The Borderline Hermit envies the Huntsmen's courage desperately seeks his soothng presence.

The Queen seeks a King, somone who attracts attention through his prominence, wealth or power. The Queen therefore is more likely to marry a Narcissist-or King.

The Witch seeks a Fisherman, someone she can dominate and control (hey there dad). She chooses a subservient partner who admires her courage and who relinquishes his will at her command.

My father meets all of those (at one time or another). He is a country boy who hunts and fishes... .very strong... he was a kick boxer growing up (she loves to tell those stories) and I suspect when they got together she liked how he rescued her from her father... .But she also saw herself as rescuing him because he had a horrible childhood as a victim of alcoholism and his family was poor. Her family was very wealthy.

Thank You for recommending this book... .I look forward to reading it...

I found my self on websites like the one I posted because I am just searching for answers... .after interacting with my mother I feel crazy... .

"is it me? maybe im the problem" my husband assures me its not but I guess dont know anyone else that is going through this... besides my sister who i feel sorry for bc she lives with her still :-(

but she does favor my sister... .so she doesnt treat her as badly... .im the scape goat

-B.