I am doubting that I made the right decision to leave.

[theoneone]

My BPD ex was wonderful in many, many ways. Caring most of the time, conscious, intelligent, tuned-in, fun, lovable. She did not show any signs of outwardly expressed anger or rage, she stopped cutting 6 years before, and overall seemed kind of normal. Although she had bad self-esteem and basically said there wasn't a day that went by where she didn't hate herself. I lived and loved with her for 2.5 years and we shared many absolutely amazing memories. Then we started to have problems.

Mostly it was her seemingly inability to not exchange phone numbers with dudes who were hitting on her and then texting them back and forth. When I took her to a show at a bar, for example, I would be left standing there by myself or with friends while she was at the bar talking to some dude for half an hour. Then later when we get home she tells me that they exchanged numbers as friends, but then tell me a day or two later that he asked her out for a date. This happened over and over no matter how many conversations we had about it.

One night I caught her texting some dude and I demanded to read the texts. There was a LOT of texting between them over the previous several days and one text he told her that he thought she deserved a good spanking. She responded by saying he knew just what she liked. That is when I broke up with her for the first time and moved out.

A week later she tells me she's so sorry and misses me and that "she'll do anything" to rebuild trust. I move back and I attempted numerous times to get us to read a book together about trust. She put up a lot of resistance to that and in one year we only read the first chapter. I grew increasingly frustrated that we weren't working through the damage that had been caused by broken trust and I was increasingly critical of her because I felt like she needed to put in more initiative than me since she broke the trust over and over.

But, overall it was good between us. Lots of good times. Concerts, love, nature walks, ect. I loved it. It was like the old her again. But eventually several months later she informs me she made a new friend. I ask to see the texts and remind her she said she'd do anything. She was not happy with it as she said it was an invasion of privacy. There wasn't anything inappropriate but there was a LOT of texting. Tons of back and forth with long blocks of texts. This hurt me since mine and her texting throughout the day was nearly nothing since "she was too busy at work." But apparently had found the time to text an entire novel back and forth between this new guy. This created problems as the same feelings in me were once again surfaced. She got super defensive. A month later she dumps me and I move out.

We try again several weeks later and I found out she slept with the new "friend." What a surprise. She slept with three people in the short amount of time we broke up. Long story short, she just can't resist hanging out with these people, even though we repeatedly talked about how it wasn't a good time to be hanging out with ex-flings while we are trying to get back together. The final straw was not hearing from her for an entire night and finding out the next day she got drunk and did a bunch of cocaine and hunt out with one of the dudes. That's when I broke up with her.

We hung out a week later and she had found herself a NEW sex buddy. I walked away and haven't spoken to her in over a month. They are still seeing each-other. He's 20 years older than her at 47. It's been a big shake to my overall well being.

But... .here I am wondering if I made the right choice. I KNOW that she was being super disrespectful and deceitful but at the same time the good times we shared (which honestly were MOST of the time) were so amazing I felt like I found my soul mate. I wonder if her texting other guys would have been "worth" working through in order to reap the benefits of an otherwise amazing person and my best friend.

As far as BPD goes, she seemed like a very easy person to deal with otherwise. Like I said she didn't ever rage, she was actually more rational than me I thought most of the time and often much less emotional. I love her and honestly I miss her badly. I don't want to be in a relationship where I don't trust my partner and who does not respect me, but I worry that I made the wrong choice and gave up too easily on her as now I am much more informed about BPD and communication. Thanks for those of you who read this and can give insight. My mind is all twisted up.

[theoneone]

Or maybe I am just forgetting how bad it was since it's been more than a month. I do remember often feeling like my feelings and needs were totally disrespected in favor for her needs. I often felt like ok so this girl is going to do whatever she wants, and I just have to deal with it. I think it's been so long that I've been in a healthy relationship that I don't even remember what it feels like to date someone who is stable. Tonight I am just struggling with the fact that I am alone and the girl I love is gone and I wonder if I should have fought for her a little harder. I feel like I poured SO MUCH into the relationship and she was just along for the ride. That can't be healthy. But I'm still struggling because I'm afraid I won't ever feel as strongly for someone else.

[saintgrey]

Honestly unless you enjoy being stomp for the rest of your life you made the right choice, my ex triggered in 2 occasions in our close to 6 years relationship and i think the first time we were able to get back together because during our breakup she didn't find someone suitable to replace me.

This time she found or had someone already in line that gave her what she wanted, I'm 100% sure that this was unavoidable unless i gave her exactly the same thing that she wanted, leave my family behind, married her and move in with her.

My gut never let me proceed and I'm glad for that.

[Flameheart]

I gotta say, I empathize with you on this. My long-distance ex is a quiet borderline as well, and she seemed "normal" as well, and she is very good at making me think I was wrong for voicing my concerns about us rebuilding our trust. She made attempts to build back trust, but she'd always fall back into the same patterns, and in all honesty, it always felt like there was something that was keeping us from connecting the same way that we did before. She used the "too busy working" excuse plenty of times as well, and I believe a lot of it had to do with both her guilt regarding getting back with her ex and her belief that I was "broken" to the point that I would never trust her again.

What's sad is that I was always open to trusting her and rebuilding our love/friendship, but I couldn't do so knowing she had gotten back with her ex. Talking to her after I found out about her cheating was always on her terms, and she refused to discuss or work out the problems between us. It just got to a point where all I could do was leave to save my sanity, and I do have the very same doubts that you have. It's just tough stuff all around.

[theoneone]

What's sad is that I was always open to trusting her and rebuilding our love/friendship, but I couldn't do so knowing she had gotten back with her ex. Talking to her after I found out about her cheating was always on her terms, and she refused to discuss or work out the problems between us. It just got to a point where all I could do was leave to save my sanity, and I do have the very same doubts that you have. It's just tough stuff all around.

That was the deal breaker too for me. I was ALWAYS willing to work out problems. Any time of day, just say the word. And of course I would suggest it too but tried not to be overbearing about it as to push her further away. But she just refused to work on problems. She recognized trust was broken but basically didn't want to do anything about it. In her mind if she wasn't having sex with the person then I should be ok with it and that I "blew things out of proportion." Basically I left because I realized she just wasn't ever going to really go through the work with me to build trust back up, and at that point the relationship might as well be over.

[gameover]

theoneone,

But... .here I am wondering if I made the right choice. I KNOW that she was being super disrespectful and deceitful but at the same time the good times we shared (which honestly were MOST of the time) were so amazing I felt like I found my soul mate. I wonder if her texting other guys would have been "worth" working through in order to reap the benefits of an otherwise amazing person and my best friend.

Try it like this:  But... .here I am wondering if I made the right choice.  I KNOW heroine is super destructive and keeps me from leading a healthy life but at the same time it feels so good (until the come down). It makes me feel alive and like everything is amazing. I wonder if the scarring, the financial cost, the chance of HIV, are worth ignoring so that I can get my next high.

See where I'm getting at?  I feel where you're coming from, but look at what you wrote.  She's not good for you.  You're being overtly cuckolded, exposed to all types of health risks.  She's going to leave you lonely either way, but I promise you being lonely without herpes is a lot better than the alternative.

So you have two choices.  You can either pick up the needle for that next high and live in an opium-induced dreamland for a little longer or you can kick the habit today.  

[apollotech]

As far as BPD goes, she seemed like a very easy person to deal with otherwise.

She cannot be separated from her disorder. It's a personality disorder; it is her. Mine didn't have any impulse control either. She'd fall into infatuation with any man that said hello to her; they were all seen as potential attachments. The attachments, not the men, were the priority.

[theoneone]

Try it like this:  But... .here I am wondering if I made the right choice.  I KNOW heroine is super destructive and keeps me from leading a healthy life but at the same time it feels so good (until the come down). It makes me feel alive and like everything is amazing. I wonder if the scarring, the financial cost, the chance of HIV, are worth ignoring so that I can get my next high.

See where I'm getting at?  I feel where you're coming from, but look at what you wrote.  She's not good for you.  You're being overtly cuckolded, exposed to all types of health risks.  She's going to leave you lonely either way, but I promise you being lonely without herpes is a lot better than the alternative.

So you have two choices.  You can either pick up the needle for that next high and live in an opium-induced dreamland for a little longer or you can kick the habit today.  

Thanks man seriously that was a helpful way to look at it. Sometimes I find myself putting this girl so high up on a pedestal and don't even realizing that I really am trying to kick a toxic addiction to a toxic individual. Bottom line she wasn't treating me well, repeatedly, and I don't have to sacrifice my life or happiness for that.

[blissful_camper]

Do you feel that if you knew more about BPD during your r/s that this could have changed your relationship in some way, or the outcome?  

It sounds as though you gave her plenty of opportunity and space to rebuild trust and she wasn't able to step up to the plate. In that situation, unless you were/are willing to accept her behavior, you made a healthy choice walking away.  

[rotiroti]

As far as BPD goes, she seemed like a very easy person to deal with otherwise.

BPD or not, this person sounds like a real as$hole.

Memories are a tricky thing and the good ones are yours to keep forever. Don't forget about the terrible times, I mean isn't cheating on you a deal-breaker? It sure would be for me.

Once maybe, but time and time again?

[theoneone]

As far as BPD goes, she seemed like a very easy person to deal with otherwise.

BPD or not, this person sounds like a real as$hole.

Memories are a tricky thing and the good ones are yours to keep forever. Don't forget about the terrible times, I mean isn't cheating on you a deal-breaker? It sure would be for me.

Once maybe, but time and time again?

I think it shows that I wasn't a strong person when I met her with healthy boundaries. That's probably half the reason she stayed with me for so long. She didn't cheat on me in the traditional sense. But I just always felt like she had options lined up. She thrived on being flirted with and desired by men. She would often come home from work and tell me when guys hit on her and I am ok with that. But it was a different story when I find out she's been texting someone for three days and I never even met the guy. But then when he eventually revealed his true desires to be more than friends she would call it off or just stop responding to him. So yeah. I guess she basically was cheating on me, if even emotionally. That brings me a level of shame when I really think about it. I won't ever stand for that again in any relationship, ever. Makes me mad just thinking about it.

Do you feel that if you knew more about BPD during your r/s that this could have changed your relationship in some way, or the outcome?  

It sounds as though you gave her plenty of opportunity and space to rebuild trust and she wasn't able to step up to the plate. In that situation, unless you were/are willing to accept her behavior, you made a healthy choice walking away.  

Probably wouldn't have changed much. I might have been more accepting of her and less critical which might have kept the relationship going for a bit more. But, that's pretty much why I called it off. I accepted the fact that she is how she is and that I was done trying to change her and I could tell she wasn't going to be changing her behavior any time soon.

[Madison66]

Theoneone,

I feel your pain!  I'm nearly two years removed from a 3+ year r/s with uNPD/BPD ex gf.  There were many good times and there were many, many abusive, irrational, chaotic and traumatic times.  Her reality slowly became mine until I couldn't pull my head out of my ars!  Sounds like you were there, too.  My T really pounded into me that my r/s (plural) should be in line with my values.  Meaning respect, love, kindness, honesty, transparency, etc.  When I really looked at the r/s with my ex gf, I could see that the way she acted towards me or within the r/s didn't jive with my values.  Worse than that is that I was looking to her for the love and respect that should have resided within me.  So, while I was kicking myself for leaving her and she already had a long line of guys within days of the b/u I started to see that my own self respect and self love wouldn't allow me to remain in such a r/s.  She could never be the partner I wanted and needed in a reciprocating love r/s.  I was selling myself short and totally deserved the r/s I wanted and needed.  You still have to go through the self doubts and mourning the loss of the r/s.  It sucks especially in these r/s with PD partners.  Sound familiar?  I won't do any "butt-smoke-blowing", you've got to deal with it how you're gonna deal with it.  Just know that how your ex gf was treating you wasn't right and things were not gonna change.  You did the right thing!

[saintgrey]

I was very much aware of who i was dealing with when i got involved emotionally but in the end they will blind you.

Reading the forums i started to look back and its amazing how most of the story are the same, for example every time by birthday came and all the focus was on me she found a way to retreat, find a excuse to be mad or said that something was hurting her.

I think a lot of people focus on the good memories or don't look deeper, sit down and follow the crumbs it was all a dream/mess.

[Suspicious1]

Just to chuck my thoughts in, because I've been on (kind of) the other side of the fence... .

If you don't like an aspect of someone's behaviour, it's reasonable to ask them to stop doing it. If they don't stop doing it, however, I really truly believe the next step is to leave. The alternative is to try to control their behaviour and change who they are, and if you don't like who someone is or the way they behave, then you're with the wrong person.

My exBPDbf used to get very angry if I ever friended people and chatted to them. We shared an online social circle and sometimes would all meet up, and when that happened inevitably you'd meet someone new, friend them and have a chat. Sometimes I'd chat to them afterwards as well, online. Sometimes they were male.

Now I, personally, don't differentiate between genders when it comes to who I will friend and chat to and who I won't. Some of these people were really interesting and I wanted to talk to them. Now and again, yes, they would perhaps suggest they wanted more than that, and I'd always shut it down, but I don't assume that every man who talks to me wants to have sex with me, and I have made life-long male friends in this way.

My ex would go nuts. He mentioned the cuckold word too, which absolutely baffled me. What I saw as socialising, he saw as potential cuckolding, as disrespect. He told me what he wanted me to do and how he wanted me to do it; he told me he didn't want me talking to other men in what he considered to be a flirty way (that included smiling and passing a few words with the man in Costa who passed me my coffee), he told me how he wanted me to respond to men who attempted to talk to me online, he told me where he wanted me to stand in relation to him when we were out and socialising with other men. Eventually, he told me he was ashamed of me. It made me weep.

It made me incredibly unhappy. My way of relating and interacting with the world didn't match with what he wanted it to be, so he felt it was up to me to change my behaviour. I wasn't prepared to. It meant we were incompatible. But for the period of time he shouted at me, punished me, tried to change me, my self esteem plummeted. It was clear he didn't want me, just a version of me that made him feel more comfortable.

My ex husband was the same. He ended up cyberstalking me, hacking into my accounts and stealing passwords so that he could download email and messenger accounts onto his own devices and read each and every message, in real time, as they happened. He said it was the only way he could be comfortable with me talking to other people - if he could monitor all of it at all times. I didn't know about it of course - I found out after he'd been doing it for six months. He did it again and again and again, and I divorced him for it (partly).

Both of these people, needless to say, were happy to befriend and chat to their own contacts online in the way they saw appropriate, without my interference.

These people trying to make me behave THEIR way and control how I interacted with other people utterly broke me. I really would rather they'd moved on and found someone who suited them better.

I'm not saying you did any of this stuff, I'm not saying her behaviour was innocent. I have no idea about all that. It's just that when I walked away from them both I decided that if someone was doing something I didn't like, I'd mention it, and if it continued I'd have to either put up with it or leave. But forcing someone else to change wasn't fair or right.

Which was a rather long-winded way of saying that perhaps walking away from her was the best thing to do.

[theoneone]

Suspicious1 I appreciate your perspective. I can see how frustrating it would be when someone is trying to change you when you only have good intentions. And that is why I ultimately left. BPD or not, it is not fair to try and change someone. My exBPD gets to be however she wants to be and at the end of the day if what she was doing didn't sit well with me, then I needed to leave. I realized that I was part of the problem as well by trying so hard to get her to change.

I struggled with this delima for a long time. Because in truth I am not easily prone to jealousy. I have never cared if men hit on my girlfriend like if she is at work or something, as she is attractive and they don't know she's in a r/s and that is exactly what I did when I first found her too! We would talk openly about this and even talk about other people that we both found attractive. I also had no problem with her making friends of either sex. But there were two types of friends she made. One I could tell how they interacted there was (from my perspective) no sexual chemistry between them (flirting), she would bring these people around to meet me, and there was openness to the whole thing.

Then there were the other "friends" that she made. These men (always men) never came around, she never had them over to meet me, and she would carry on LONG conversations over text that included a lot of personal details and more than once flirtatious messages, including at one point explicit sexual messages. I could tell there was a difference between real friends and these other "friends."

And, go figure, any time we would break up, when we got back together it was these "secret friends" that were the ones she had slept with when we were broken up. Then, even after we got back together, she would still hang out with these men after we had decided together it was best for her not to for the time being as we repaired our relationship. She would sometimes the very next day go and meet them without checking in with me to see how it would make me feel. This happened time and time again.

So yeah, this is behavior that I do not find acceptable in a relationship, I was done trying to get her to change, realized trying to get her to change was only damaging her as well, and she didn't show any signs of wanting to rebuild the trust, so I walked away.