Nearly 3wks NC and struggling

[Loosestrife]

My ex pwBPD left me a few weeks ago. I have tried to do NC but I feel worse as time goes on. I feel constantly anxious and stressed and Ive nearly messaged my ex more times than I can count. This just doesn't feel right. Does anyone regret letting go and moving on?

[balletomane]

I don't regret letting go. I do regret that I didn't have the loving, reciprocal relationship that I wanted and I regret that even my friendship with my ex had been left in tatters. And in the early stages of the breakup I resisted NC for this reason - I thought that if we at least stayed in touch then I would have a chance to restore the friendship, but if went NC there would be no chance. It took me about six weeks of excruciating pain to realise that there was no chance anyway. Initially I resisted all suggestions of NC from concerned friends because I was convinced they couldn't possibly know what it was like: maybe NC would be a good idea for others in my situation, but not me. My case was different.

My ex has no contact with any of his exes before me. I noticed that during our relationship and it made me uneasy, because it suggested an inability to handle disputes and breakups in a good way. When our relationship exploded I realised that most of those people had probably gone NC for their own good, because the relationship with him had hurt them too. I am not made of iron with special self-protective qualities that they didn't have. My case was not different after all. I needed to take the same step.

This did not magically make me feel better. It can't do that, because healing from the wounds of a broken relationship takes more than just removing your ex from your life. You need time to recover. Three weeks is nothing. You also need to remember that no matter how awful you feel without your ex around, you would feel worse with them there. It gets easy to remember only the good things and forget everything that was horrible. This was how I coped in my relationship: I skated over the emotional and verbal abuse and tried not to think about it, while hanging onto the good moments. But that is not a sustainable way to live and it will only end up harming you more. A relationship where you have to ignore big parts of what's happening is not healthy, and that's basically what all of us here have done.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks for replying Bal. I've spent all morning crying in bed.

[FannyB]

LS

I think we all regret letting go in the short term - bit like how an addict would likely feel when withdrawing from heroin! But this really is the old cliche of 'short term pain for long term gain' in operation here. Your ex hasn't miraculously been fixed in your time away from her, and recycles are normally shorter and more painful than the initial relationship.

I know it's tough, but you can get through this. Low Contact can sometimes be a halfway house between the two extremes of re-engaging fully and No Contact - but only if you can resist the recycle attempt that may follow.

Stay strong.


Fanny

[seang]

How long were you guys together.  If it was a while, then 3 weeks iss no time at all.  And it does get better, as much as that doesnt help right now.

If the pulled the trigger on you, then one day im guessing you'll be thankful for that.

Read my post today, I broke N yesterday and feel ___e!  I was starting to feel better too.  So whatever, dont break your healthy 3 weeks to date.  And as Im experiencing, and others on here, it goes up and down for a while.  I had days of wondering, analyzing, memorizing, missing, hating.  All over the place.  And all part of the detachment process.  Which granted, is harder form a BPD.

Keep up the NC, you'll probably feel totally different tomorrow.   Let the crazy one go, he probably did you a favour!

[sas1729]

Loosestrife,

Stay strong. It is difficult and it is painful, but you have been brave to resist breaking NC. It will get better. The fact is that you are a kind and compassionate person, and someone will come into your life that will recognize that and complement that.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks for the support, it means a lot :-)

[JohnLove]

Hello Loosestrife, take it easy on yourself and take it one day at a time. While it is very personal and each situation is different, everyone here knows what you are going through.

Best wishes to you.

[joeramabeme]

LooseStrife, My 2bx moved out a few weeks ago too, 10 year marriage.  It is hard to let go.  I posted a similar message to yours about a week ago.  One of the replies was to write down what was not working for me in the r/s and a few choice times when I felt like I could not do this any longer.  Then, read them when I was feeling like I wanted to contact her.  It has worked.  I even took it a step further and now tell myself that this is freeing me to be who I am supposed to be.

It is as difficult as quitting any addictive substance.  We get so steeped in going through the ritual of trying to find their good graces.  After she left, there were times I was feeling so empty and angry b/c my life had, in part, become about making her happy.  Don't think I was too successful but somehow I got really caught up in those behaviors and had to acknowledge that part of my missing "her" was really missing the purpose that I had assigned to my life with her.  Feels sad to have admitted that I got so detached from my own well being.  As of this week, I am having some clarity and the w/drawl symptoms have started to subside.  I am sure the same will happen for you as well. Hang in there!

[theoneone]

Almost 5 weeks in with NC and I'm still tempted to reach out to her. It is crazy tough, but it is much better today than it was at 3 weeks. Everyone heals at different rates depending on their specific situation and personality. Hang in there. We are all kicking a powerful addiction. You are doing really well. These powerful emotions need to be felt in order to truly move on, otherwise we will just go back to the same habit and have to start the whole process over. You are making great progress. Keep at it!

[Loosestrife]

Thanks.