Somebody please just tell me what to do

[Confused kid]

Hi, I'm 27 but feel like a confused kid! My mum, I strongly suspect has BPD. I suspect it based on what I have lived through, what has been suggested to me by my own counsellors/ psychiatrist/ psychologist ( iv been around! Due to chronic depression/anxiety/stress-related IBS); and also because I now know that during MANY marriage counsellors have addressed the possibility with my parents over the years- only to be brushed off as unqualified, unintelligent, and downright out to get her and therefore never to be visited again! However I'm finding it hard to separate myself from her because I'm not SURE she's BPD. I just wish I knew what to do for the best

[Confused kid]

Hi, as iv said in my intro, I have a lot of reasons to believe my mum has BPD, and am fairly sure I'm one of the many people who has "wronged" her (before my parents split it was because me and dad got on well and were "against her" and now they're split and I live with him iv just "proven her point". However because she's never been diagnosed (any time the idea of her having ANY issue is raised she bolts and cuts off whoever suggested it) I am still finding it hard to break away, there's that niggling doubt that I'm wrong and I would end up regretting my decision. There is also the fear that mum will kill herself if I cut her off. Any advice? Iv been through a lot of counselling and am medicated for depression but still struggling with this

[Turkish]

Hi Confused kid,

Your mother's reaction is not surprising. What's important here are the behaviors. Were and are they damaging to you? It seems so.

However I'm finding it hard to separate myself from her because I'm not SURE she's BPD

Is the reason here something to do with guilt? As if she were not really BPD, that you shouldn't separate yourself from her?

Some of us here, and on other boards, have relationships of various fashions with the people with BPD in their lives. Some of the pwBPD in their lives are so abusive that they feel the need to cut them off. No story here is exactly the same, though most share similarities.

Though no one here should tell you exactly what to do, we can support you in making informed decisions, and setting boundaries with her to keep you safe, emotionally and physically.

What do you find are your biggest struggles now?

Turkish

[Confused kid]

For the last 5 years iv lived with my dad. Growing up, I always knew my parents would split, I knew that I would go with dad and I THOUGHT everything would be better. However the reality is that the split has only given mum more ammunition against me ( It was my fault, iv abandoned her, humiliated her etc).

My problem now is that she still demands a lot of attention, and if I don't give it I am backing her belief that I abandoned her. She claims to be concerned about me living with dad as I'm not growing up ( in her opinion) but actually is angry because she looks bad to others because I chose to go with dad.

I find myself doing things I don't want to do, pay for meals, anything to make her happy. I know it never lasts but find it hard to stop trying. Physically I'm not in danger (I haven't really been since I got taller than her) but emotionally it's wrecked me. I know she won't change but still I try and when she gets nasty I get upset, and more worrying, angry!

I thought living separate would fix everything, but nothing has changed, I still feel totally trapped and very hopeless at times

[gentlestguardian]

I thought living separate would fix everything, but nothing has changed, I still feel totally trapped and very hopeless at times

Hi Confused kid,

I've been where you are and it drove me to my own health crisis so I can really empathize with your depression. You're right in the thick of it right now, which is about where I was when I realized I had to make a decision that nobody else could make for me and go NC with my BPDm. I had the same guilt you're experiencing -- "what if I'm doing the wrong thing? What if she's totally well and I'm the crazy one? I'm the cruel one for abandoning my mother... ." But I realized once I went NC and regained some of my sense of self that it didnt' matter whether my mother was officially diagnosed or not. It only mattered how she was affecting me. With or without a diagnosis, if anyone is hurting you or driving you to depression, that's a big alarm bell that you have to set some kind of boundary with them. Living separate from your mother is a step in the right direction, but you're right, your mother's grasp on you won't loosen even while living apart. BPD parents tend to treat their children like their property, not individuals with their own lives, and they condition their children to normalize that treatment with FOG. You're not property and you know it, but your mother is treating you like you are. That kind of treatment sent me into depression too. It wasn't until I went NC that the FOG cleared. I'm not telling you that you necessarily need to go NC because everyone's relationship with their BPD parent is different, but I am telling you that you should take back some of your decision-making powers and evaluate how you want to be treated. The healthiest thing I did for myself in going NC was to create my boundaries. I send you good thoughts and positive energy.