Do you feel like you took a couple steps back, but that's not so bad because of the many you took to help yourself with understanding, healing, etc? That's not such a terrible place to be (looking on the brighter side of things). If you didn't go as deep this time it won't be as difficult to find your way back out. The last time I recycled, I felt I knew what I was getting into. But I needed to make sure. Was there some of that for you this time?
Hell yeah I feel I took steps back. To be honest though I think I'm feeling heavy on the frustrated side mixed in with a nice side order of pain. Let me elaborate. There are some things I am pretty damn sure of but other things I see that I am blind to. For example as I stated I sorta saw the trigger coming but was unable to stop it from happening nor able to stop it from continuing. However when she first contacted me I immediately set a clear boundary and acknowledged the poor treatment and kindly set a boundary that the chaos ride was not welcome and that if she wanted in this had to be kept in mind.
Also for example two nights ago we spoke and the convo went ok and I thought things were gonna be civil (aka reconcile). She stated lets talk tomorrow and I said ok Ill call after work. I ended up getting stuck at work later and then worked out afterwards but texted her with updates but no response on her end . I called when I was finished and was about two hours late from originally planned but kept her in the loop the whole time. Trigger once again and I know it's the BPD. The frustrating part of these things are that when you are informed you damn near know what conflict is attributed to the disorder for the most part but cannot say anything about it being attributed to it. I showed a little bit of our text convo to a female employee of mine I'm comfortable with and she let me know just from two sentences or maybe 3 or 4 that she was being spiteful and cheap shotting me. I didn't even notice that part but I guess a female is more intuitive to that kind of malice. She also stated that she was being childish and that I am a manager and got stuck at work and gave her updates so she has no reason to do that to me just cause I was stuck at work. After that it was once again I dont want to talk to you or see you and I need to move on aka surgical precision cut off once again.
The whole I don't have feelings for you I know aren't true either and it is more of a let's hurt AG thing aka punishment. I am beyond frustrated not being able to bring logic into the convos. I am beyond frustrated that I have brought logic into the conversations despite knowing that logic doesn't matter vs feelings to a BPD. If you bring logic or facts into a BPD conflict then you only add fuel to the fire and even if your logic or facts are that solid you get a wrong and strong kind of attitude in return not an apology. I am beyond frustrated at myself for even dealing with someone that treats people who are there for her like this. I am frustrated on so many levels. I'm not so sure if I knew what I was getting into as I had seen changes and she had supposedly been to therapy and on meds. I think the main thing that made me think things were different was the fact I saw her make an apology which was unheard of. That small part blew my mind and I was like wow I think she is changing for the better she would never apologize. However I am realizing that there is nothing to stop the trigger and anyone close will eventually get pounced on one way or the other just for living. I'm feeling so many emotions disappointment, hurt, anger, and a major level of frustration. I don't know if I needed to make sure or not I just knew that I cared deeply still and still had feelings. I also thought my progress and knowledge would protect me.
