udBPD mother blowing up my phone

[disorderedsociety]

Just wanted to share this... .My mother has a history of emotional problems, is really into "miracle healing" and very religious, spent $900k in 5 years (long story,) history of having been abused, rocky relationships, etc. It finally dawned on me after my relationship with a dBPD girl that my mother must have it too. It only makes sense given that we feel most comfortable with the relationship we had with our parents (parent in my case.)

Now supposedly she's been told by the doctors she has malignant growths in her lungs and when I went with her to the hospital she was completely disrespectful of my boundaries as I figured she would be. Its hard to pin down what she does, but it feels like she's trying to pry emotions out of me that shouldn't be pried at. Growing up, even at 3 years of age she used to talk badly about my biological father who is, indeed, not a great person according to my half-brother who actually knew him somewhat. She went so far as to tell me once that God was telling her my father was coming to visit, but when he didn't, blamed me for having not helped her clean up the apartment we lived in. I was 4 maybe. So if that gives you a background, there ya go.

So I get random texts from her such as, "I'm near your house, I went to lunch with a friend from church and I need directions to _ place, etc." as if she can't just message me and ask how I'm doing. I always have to be helping her with something. Its sick.

Today I got one that read, "Sorry to have bothered you. Ill erase ur number so i dont bother you again. Uve made it clear you dont want me contacting you bcuz you hate me. Im also giving my doctors and hospital my friends numbers so they wont call you in the event of another medical emergency."

Seriously? The more time passes by the more I realize she treated me like an object or a plaything for her emotions. She swears she did the best she could raising me which could be true given her limited capacity for emotional understanding, but looking back its as if I've endured 19 years at home + 3 years I was with my ex-dBPD fiance/girlfriend-thing of emotional and mental abuse. I don't internalize the bullsh!t like I used to though as I find more success and empowerment in the real world. Its just amazing to me that I went through my entire childhood holding onto the sense of sanity I had, a feeling of "this isn't really true, just keep going." The same feeling pervaded my recent relationship when she tried to get me to marry her and give her a 2nd child, the feeling of "this isn't right, its off somehow. Don't do it." and now I see the parallels so its somewhat of a blessing of perspective in a way.

Anyway, what she said is pretty messed up imo. She pulled the same guilt-trips right after my breakup. No support, no telling me its ok, just telling me, "see, I told you she was no good." Thanks mom!

Anyway, just thought I'd share.

[Kwamina]

Hi disorderedsociety

Many people who have been in relationships with BPD partners later find themselves realizing that their own parents also exhibit certain BPD traits. In a way you could say that when you're raised in a BPD environment, you might not like it but it's still all you know and in a way all you are really comfortable with. 'Normal' relationships can then in fact feel more scary and cause more anxiety than 'dysfunctional' relationships.

To help you deal with the texts from your mother, I think the following two articles/workshops can be helpful:

COMMUNICATION: Handling inappropriate phone calls

COMMUNICATION: Responding to hostile e-mails

I also encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse to the right of this message board. This guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages:

1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing

Each stage consists of 7 steps. The guide can help you assess your healing. When you look at the survivors' guide, where do you feel you are now?

[disorderedsociety]

Kind of all over the place but I suppose thinking about it brings me to step 4. I don't remember much of my childhood though honestly.

How exactly does one re-experience them? What if I don't feel anything about it?

It's funny though. A situation I'm experiencing now in a shared house with roommates who are attempting to throw me under the bus for things that weren't my fault brings me to 17, where I've discussed it with the landlord and am restraining myself from confronting anyone until we have the meeting where its discussed. It's as if all the crap events have led up to this point, regardless of who has done the abuse

[Kwamina]

Hi again disorderedsociety,

I can relate to you kind of feeling all over the place. The healing process as laid down in the survivors' guide isn't necessarily a linear process. More often than not I think we will find ourselves working on several steps at once and periodically going back to previous steps we already worked on before.

You say you don't remember much of your childhood. Certain members on this board have made similar comments, could it perhaps be that you blocked out the memories of childhood abuse? Do you have any other family-members who might have witnessed the abuse your mother subjected you too?

Good to hear that you were able to deal with the situation with your roommates in a constructive way

[Smile41869]

Hey disorderedsociety

I thought I had to reply because I identify SO MUCH with what you are saying.

"So I get random texts from her such as, "I'm near your house, I went to lunch with a friend from church and I need directions to _ place, etc." as if she can't just message me and ask how I'm doing. I always have to be helping her with something. Its sick."

I have EXACTLY the same experience. Minus the religious aspect. I've moved about 5000km from my childhood home to try break the cycle. Yet it continues in various ways over the phone. Her health issues always seem to be a great way to break any boundaries I try to form. If I get more than 5-6 days of ignoring the text/call/emails she will invariably create some kind of emergency "Hi, I need to tell you about my health issue ASAP. It is important because it could impact you, please call". Of course it is just an excuse for her to vent/ have a breakdown about how I dont support her enough, ruined everything by moving away, etc etc etc.

I wish I had answers for you, but for me the last few years have been a process of baby steps. Slowly engaging with my memories of her. Starting with the ones I most clearly remember, doing some work analysing them, writing them out, and talking about them with someone I trust/ a counselor. Then trying to set some small boundaries, i.e., only being available to answer her calls on the weekend. The space away from her constant drama is so necessary to working through the past and healing. Its hard because any space we seem to win inevitably results in a HUGE guilt trip drama. Breaking the cycle of answering to the FOG fear, obligation, guilt is a massive challenge for children of BPD parents.

If I could I would recommend 'The Borderline Mother'. It helped me to identify when her behaviour becomes waif-like/needy and gave some insights about boundary setting to break that dependency.

I hope that is of some help to you!

[disorderedsociety]

Hey disorderedsociety

I thought I had to reply because I identify SO MUCH with what you are saying.

"So I get random texts from her such as, "I'm near your house, I went to lunch with a friend from church and I need directions to _ place, etc." as if she can't just message me and ask how I'm doing. I always have to be helping her with something. Its sick."

I have EXACTLY the same experience. Minus the religious aspect. I've moved about 5000km from my childhood home to try break the cycle. Yet it continues in various ways over the phone. Her health issues always seem to be a great way to break any boundaries I try to form. If I get more than 5-6 days of ignoring the text/call/emails she will invariably create some kind of emergency "Hi, I need to tell you about my health issue ASAP. It is important because it could impact you, please call". Of course it is just an excuse for her to vent/ have a breakdown about how I dont support her enough, ruined everything by moving away, etc etc etc.

I wish I had answers for you, but for me the last few years have been a process of baby steps. Slowly engaging with my memories of her. Starting with the ones I most clearly remember, doing some work analysing them, writing them out, and talking about them with someone I trust/ a counselor. Then trying to set some small boundaries, i.e., only being available to answer her calls on the weekend. The space away from her constant drama is so necessary to working through the past and healing. Its hard because any space we seem to win inevitably results in a HUGE guilt trip drama. Breaking the cycle of answering to the FOG fear, obligation, guilt is a massive challenge for children of BPD parents.

If I could I would recommend 'The Borderline Mother'. It helped me to identify when her behaviour becomes waif-like/needy and gave some insights about boundary setting to break that dependency.

I hope that is of some help to you!

Its good to hear someone relates closely. The FOG part is interesting because once you realize how much their behavior has impacted you, you won't want to ever reply to them again. At least, that's how its been in my case. I hate to say it but I've also found myself feeling relieved at the thought of her passing away if she does truly have lung cancer.

The last message was from a few days ago where she sent me a photo of her in a wig (I guess cause of chemo treatments?) but I'm not sure if I can even believe her knowing what I know about BPD now.

[Smile41869]

The FOG part is interesting because once you realize how much their behavior has impacted you, you won't want to ever reply to them again. At least, that's how its been in my case. I hate to say it but I've also found myself feeling relieved at the thought of her passing away if she does truly have lung cancer.

The last message was from a few days ago where she sent me a photo of her in a wig (I guess cause of chemo treatments?)

It sounds like you are pretty angry at the moment, and it is justified. I remember going through a period of 6-12 months of pure resentment and anger, when I first starting waking up to it. In fact 6 months ago I was on here posting at how resentful I was and the fact I did not want to speak to her AT ALL despite knowing she had health issues. I would have gone No Contact if I could have, but I knew it was too sudden given she was contacting me everyday at the time. Are you feeling like going NC?

I think anger can be helpful and productive if you can use it for your benefit. While I was angry I would spend several hours every week talking to someone I trusted about just how f-ing pissed off I was about all the bull___ I had dealt with. I would tell story after story, analysing how ridiculous the behaviours were and how I did not realise at the time. I used that anger as the energy I needed to work through the memories, and to start setting clear boundaries.

Its a learning process, but I do believe it is worth it. Its the necessary pathway to getting yourself and your life back.