Child and her BPD grandparent

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hey all,    it has been a long time since I've checked in here on the forum. Things have been going okay for my husband and I, as we've had limited contact with his parents and right now the relationship seems manageable.

But. My sister in law, who is currently in the midst of 4 months NC with her BPD mother and unNPD/enabling father, called and spoke with me this evening and is struggling with how to explain and discuss their situation with her 6-year-old. I've suggested this forum, therapy, (and wine, haha). I've also suggested some reading material that I found helpful. I think she needs to connect more deeply and my husband and I don't have children, so I don't have much advice there for dealing with grandchildren and BPD grandparents.

Simply put, they attacked my BIL's character and reputation verbally (both professionally and personally). In response to this, my SIL and BIL have pulled back, going NC/VLC, as this was their first altercation (SIL is considered the golden child). They have only told their daughter that her grandparents have said some mean things about her daddy and that was the reason they weren't going over to their house anymore. My in-laws have apparently not contacted my SIL to even see my niece, but have told everyone, including us, that my SIL and BIL will not allow them to see my niece, which is not the truth.

So does anyone who has kids or has experienced something like this have advice you'd give her? Or ideas on how to maneuver discussions with children about their BPD grandparent? My SIL's heart is breaking and I'd love to be able to tell her something other than 'I'm so sorry this is happening.' I'd appreciate anything!

[Up In the Air]

Hey all,    it has been a long time since I've checked in here on the forum. Things have been going okay for my husband and I, as we've had limited contact with his parents and right now the relationship seems manageable.

But. My sister in law, who is currently in the midst of 4 months NC with her BPD mother and unNPD/enabling father, called and spoke with me this evening and is struggling with how to explain and discuss their situation with her 6-year-old. I've suggested this forum, therapy, (and wine, haha). I've also suggested some reading material that I found helpful. I think she needs to connect more deeply and my husband and I don't have children, so I don't have much advice there for dealing with grandchildren and BPD grandparents.

Simply put, they attacked my BIL's character and reputation verbally (both professionally and personally). In response to this, my SIL and BIL have pulled back, going NC/VLC, as this was their first altercation (SIL is considered the golden child). They have only told their daughter that her grandparents have said some mean things about her daddy and that was the reason they weren't going over to their house anymore. My in-laws have apparently not contacted my SIL to even see my niece, but have told everyone, including us, that my SIL and BIL will not allow them to see my niece, which is not the truth.

So does anyone who has kids or has experienced something like this have advice you'd give her? Or ideas on how to maneuver discussions with children about their BPD grandparent? My SIL's heart is breaking and I'd love to be able to tell her something other than 'I'm so sorry this is happening.' I'd appreciate anything!

[Kwamina]

Hi Up In the Air

I am glad you've been okay

We have material on the Co-Parenting board that could also be helpful for your sister. In this case you are dealing with disordered grandparents, but many of the concepts also apply in that context. I've selected some resources for you that I think can be helpful:

What to Tell the Kids About a High-Conflict Co-Parent

The Power of Validation (for parents)

Lesson 5: Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD

[Up In the Air]

Thank you, Kwamina!

I appreciate the response and the links!