More than a year after break up, I sometimes find myself in the FOG

[lm911]

Hi there,

I feel much better than a year ago, but sometimes I still find myself in the FOG. I just wake up and suddenly I feel fear or guilt, rarely obligation. The good thing is I have started to recognise when I am in the FOG. But it is so hard when this emotions make your day worse. I try to get myself busy and not to think about my ex and these emotins and wait for them to go away ( they usually last a couple of days). So how do you cope with fear, guilt, obligation?

[joeramabeme]

LM, good to hear from someone 1 year out.  Sounds like residuals still have an affect on you, but not as intense or long.

I am reading "Stop caretaking the Borderline" by Margalis Fjestad (typo disaster on her last name).  I am about 1/4 way through and she addresses our FOG, or at least that of a Caretaker, which I am.  My quick understanding is that this is not just about coming out of a r/s with a pwBPD traits but a life long pattern born of a childhood with parents that were impacted.

Along with this reading, I have been practicing reminding myself that I really did do a good job in the marriage.  Far from perfect, but pretty good.  Now that is something I could not say in the FOG, and I consciously practice saying as much today as a preventative deFOGger.  The author of the book I am reading says one common traits non's share is low self esteem, so this reminder that I did a good job helps address that point directly.

[lm911]

Thank you for the reply, I have read this book and it is really an amazing one. There are some simple things written in the book that everyone should follow, but they are hard for accomplishment. That is why I asked how each of the members gets out of the FOG.

[OnceConfused]

Bruce Lee said it well:

To get rid your cup of stale water, you have to pour in fresh water"

This means to get rid the stale water of BPD, you have to find other things to fill your time. new activitivies, new friends ... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Im911, The FOG, in my view, is a three-pronged pitchfork that a pwBPD uses to manipulate a Non.  Those w/ BPD are experts at it.  If you are having feelings related to F-O-G, I suggest a two-step process: first, acknowledge the feeling (sadness, anger, etc.); second, process the feeling in some fashion.  How? by talking about your feelings to a friend or family member, for example, or writing down your feelings in a journal, or observing your feelings through mindfulness meditation.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[honeysuckle]

I am also a year and a few months out. I know exactly what you mean. When I had a day or so of that it would really bum me out... its been a year... .WTH

What I did was this, in the beginning I would wonder why? What triggered it? For me personally it came around anniversaries. A year ago we went here... or every year we did this... .Or I would hear something about him in the present. Maybe I was just having a bad day and I missed having him to talk to. It bothered me a lot. I would try to do other things and keep myself busy. Try to wait for it to pass. It always did.

Then I found one day I just "leaned into it" and said. Hey I was abused and of course Im going to have strong reactions to things. I did everything I could in that relationship and this is not something I can fix or make better. I realized as long as Im still moving forward and I haven't stopped doing the things I need to do because of this its okay. It was a big part of my life for a long time. So I felt the feelings and grieved it a bit. Reminded myself I have made a good life for myself and thats what matters. Look at how much better I am now than I was when this started or 3 months out or 6 months out. Became proud of my accomplishment and patted myself on the back said its okay to have a little pity party for a few and pick myself up and move forward again. Then they became less often and less severe. I only have them now when its something big like when I heard he was getting married. But I just said, Okay, Thats a big one. I got through it! Yay me!

You're doing great! Remember that

[Mutt]

Hi there,

I feel much better than a year ago, but sometimes I still find myself in the FOG. I just wake up and suddenly I feel fear or guilt, rarely obligation. The good thing is I have started to recognise when I am in the FOG. But it is so hard when this emotions make your day worse. I try to get myself busy and not to think about my ex and these emotins and wait for them to go away ( they usually last a couple of days). So how do you cope with fear, guilt, obligation?

Hi lm911,

Can you give us a generalized example of what comes to mind that triggers these feelings of fear, obligation, and guilt?