pwBPD - Do they know right from wrong? A life without consequences?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm found asking myself the question did my exuBPDgf know right from wrong.

I look at the lies she has told and it appears to me the reason for many of these lies was to hide the wrongdoing which then implies she did know right from wrong.

Looking back it also appears that she felt entitled to live a life without consequence.

Even things that are impossible such as the health risks of heavy drinking she felt that it shouldn't be like that.

[castillo]

I'm found asking myself the question did my exuBPDgf know right from wrong.

I look at the lies she has told and it appears to me the reason for many of these lies was to hide the wrongdoing which then implies she did know right from wrong.

Looking back it also appears that she felt entitled to live a life without consequence.

Even things that are impossible such as the health risks of heavy drinking she felt that it shouldn't be like that.

[FannyB]

Hi Castillo

Denial is the glue that holds their fractured psyches together. To admit blame would open the floodgates to toxic shame and their strong survival instincts prevent that.

On the flipside, karma often means they do suffer for their actions - irrespective of whether they trace the fault line back to themselves.

Fanny

[rotiroti]

Hi Castillo

Denial is the glue that holds their fractured psyches together. To admit blame would open the floodgates to toxic shame and their strong survival instincts prevent that.

On the flipside, karma often means they do suffer for their actions - irrespective of whether they trace the fault line back to themselves.

Fanny

Wow, really love that FannyB! It's an interesting take on splitting - when someone with BPD is processing the world with emotions, their perception of reality are very different from that of our own. I suspect that when emotions = truth, that sense of denial could feel like reality. What can they do when something or someone feels good/bad? A serving of denial with splitting.

I saw it in my BPDexfiancee's eyes all the time. She genuinely believed nothing was wrong with her actions.

It's why they often blame an external factor to make sense of the world (eg blame us for making them cheat, drink, being the source of everything wrong in the world etc)

[FannyB]

Hi NAT

My ex used to apply a 'but for test' to any situation that displeased her e.g.'but for you being late we would have gotten to the cinema on time' etc. However, in any given chain of events there are a number of critical points where an undesirable outcome could be influenced. Needless to say, my ex always picked a 'but for' that absolved her of blame whilst implicating the other party - i.e. me! 

With hindsight, it really is fascinating, and somewhat amusing, to reflect on this! 


Fanny

[rotiroti]

Hi NAT

My ex used to apply a 'but for test' to any situation that displeased her e.g.'but for you being late we would have gotten to the cinema on time' etc. However, in any given chain of events there are a number of critical points where an undesirable outcome could be influenced. Needless to say, my ex always picked a 'but for' that absolved her of blame whilst implicating the other party - i.e. me! 

With hindsight, it really is fascinating, and somewhat amusing, to reflect on this! 


Fanny

haha that's good that we can reflect back and stay sane. Seriously, you can't make this stuff up, sometimes it makes me laugh at how ridiculous it was at times!

[dobie]

I can only go by my xuBPDfaince yes she did but when it come to her needs her wants there was no morality or empathy she is one tottaly selfish person .

If she did anything kind she would use it as a weapon or to bolster her sense of victimhood

At the final discard she was angry that when we first met she made me eggs at 2 am six years previously

Deeply broken people I feel for any good man who ends up with her , hopefully she will find someone as immature and selfish as her so there  is no more collateral damage from her diseased character .

[GreenEyedMonster]

Unless you have experienced a defense mechanism yourself, it is difficult to understand.  They basically hijack your reality.

My exBPD was a very principled person when no one was threatening him.  But once he was threatened and his defense mechanisms kicked in, he turned into a ruthless, merciless person.  This is not his character or his morals.  A defense mechanism warps a person's sense of reality to make it more tolerable for them.  So if they can't handle what they did to you, their defense mechanism will change their reality so that what they did doesn't seem so bad.  This is subconscious and the person really can't help it.  That's why it's a disease, or disorder.  If it were a conscious choice on their part, they could simply choose not to be mentally ill.  This is not the case.  It is also why you can't "fix" them, and it takes years of therapy to improve.  The issue is not what they believe is appropriate or inappropriate to do to you; the issue is toxic shame left from childhood and their inability to handle their own emotions.  It's way more complicated than, ":)id he even think about me?"  No, he isn't emotionally capable of thinking about you when he's threatened.  That IS the disorder.  Asking my exBPD to think about me when he's threatened is just as unrealistic as demanding a double amputee to get up out of his wheelchair and walk already.

So yes, people with BPD are humans just like the rest of us, capable of having morals and knowing right from wrong.  However, their disease will probably keep them from living out those morals when it counts the most.

[enlighten me]

Dobie highlights the key factor behind this. Their emotional imaturity. If you think of how a child acts without thinking of the consequences then you will see the similarity.

[greenmonkey]

Time after time used had to use the words Actions and consequences with her. Time after time they were ignored. I reminded her that her Actions in the past had a result of her life as it was then - she lost custody of her child, lost her house, gained debts etc etc and and no one else was to blame apart from her.

Fast forward 10 months now since I ended our relationship, she still has no understanding of Actions and Consequences, as she is under investigation by a number of authorities for various criminal offences.

She might think in herself she has high morals and beliefs, but unfortunately she is so mentally ill and her impulsiveness and immaturity leads her to make very bad decisions which will now have life long consequences for her. No one can save her but herself.