It's what I wanted, why do I feel so horrible?

[wishfulthinking]

Been separated since May.  He keeps trying to win me back, but still shows his BPD/NPD tendencies.  I see improvement, but when he rages, it's still horrible.  Plus, does the improvement last?  We went 7 months with no rage, only happiness.  But once it started, there was no stopping it.  He admits he went through a very hard time.  After about a year, his attitude got some better, the rages were less in frequency, but when they happened they were worse.  Does 3 months separate prove anything?  I say NO.  I want to believe YES, but I know better, right?

If I know better, then why do I feel so horrible that he was served the divorce papers yesterday and he said he is stepping back and letting me have my way.  He said he won't contact me and if I want to see him I have to go to church where he will be, but otherwise, he won't contact me or answer if I contact him. 

Is this a ploy?  Is he truly stepping back?  What happens if I don't go to church on Sunday?  He does do better when God is in his life, but he's been fighting it so long that I have doubts he will continue to go.  Will he freak out if I don't go?  Will he walk away forever? 

Will I ever be free of this torment?  Why does it hurt so much that he says he's stepping back when it's what I wanted?  Why do I feel like losing him means losing everything I need besides my daughter?  Why do I love this man so much when he's lied, hurt, abused, done drugs, etc... .?  Why can I see other's situations and tell them what I know I need to do myself, but I can't find the same strength and courage to face this on my own and do what I should do.  Why do I love him SO MUCH?  My heart is breaking.

[OnceConfused]

Wishful thinking:

Of course, any separation will cause a pain in your heart. That is normal for us as human being.

How do we get rid of the old stale water in a cup?  That stale water does not magically turn into fresh water,  we have to pour in new fresh water so as to displace the old. You need to find things or new activities that can fill up your time. and then let time heal your grief.

Will you ever be free of torment? No, if you keep wallowing in the past. YES, if  Like I said earlier, you have to live in the moment - find new activies or new learning or new friends to slowly displace the old stale water.  Your mind will go into a circular mode where you get stuck with whatifs, coulds and shoulds.

I want to share with this analogy. Life is like a voyage across the ocean, your ship will change course with the current and the wind, so you have to make a decision about the direction then make minor changes to stay on course. If the decision you made was bad, then make another one and another one.

Don't ever doubt your decision.

I leave you with this wonderful thought:

"Prayer is when you talk to God, Intuition is when God talks to you."

Trust your intuition about what you did and must do. I did and it has made all the differences in my life now.