Woah. Thank you all so much for your kindness and input.
Hi Tangy
This is a very difficult time. You are not so much mourning the loss of a partner who ultimately betrayed you, but more the death of a dream. Our partners sold us a glorious, yet fleeting, vision of a future filled with love and hope, and dashed it on the rocks of their indifference. It is even more painful when they project the failing of the relationship onto us.
You are doing very well in spite of this - and your future will be much more rosy than that of your temporarily loved-up ex.
Fanny
Hi Fanny. This puts it into words perfect. We had a large vision of our wedding completed. And it all seemed so real to me. This seems silly, but I remember the day he was out with his mom and was so happy that he founds these napkins that went with our theme and purchased them. He was so excited. And now... .he's just gone. And I feel crazy... .like I hallucinated the whole thing. It doesn't even seem like the same person . He never does. But yes, as hard as it seems to believe right now, I know that my future will be created much more consciously and carefully and in the long run I will be better off. Its just hard to feel that way now... .and not buy into the crazy delusion that they are going to live happily ever after.
Tangy
Words do not seem adequate at this time.
I am going through the exact same emotions as you. I find the nights to be the most difficult. I can always find things to do during the days but the loneliness of night time can be cruel.
When I get so down, I read the posts here and realise that I am not alone. I realise that there are other people that are going through the same feelings that I am. Everyone's pain is personal. We are all hurting and all our pain is intense.
You will find the things that are best for you to help you through this pain and to move forward.
For me I have been blessed to find a kindred spirit on this forum who has engaged with me through PMs. It is providing me with in the moment counselling which is so helpful.
Perhaps you should reach out to someone on this forum that you feel that you have a connection with and see if they can provide you some in the moment counselling when you are at your lowest. I have found it invaluable to me and I am very grateful to that person.
You may find that having the boards and having a separate and more private conversation out of the public view with someone you feel comfortable with may be beneficial to you as well.
Hi NIL. I agree. This forum has been a lifesaver to me. Sometimes I fear I may be draining my real life friends... .They never act that way... .but I don't want to do that... .and its hard because none of them have experience with anything like this... .and trying to explain the complexity of why it is so difficult to get over is not easy. So being here with so many people that have gone through it and get it is comforting. Thank you you so much for your reply.
Nights are the worst for me too. It's sad to look around and see most of my friends are happily married with kids and busy with their lives. Here I am still alone. All I ever wanted was a companion to share life experiences with but instead I'm sitting here on a Friday night grieving for the companion I lost. Even with all I know about BPD, it doesn't make it any easier to accept or understand.
I feel like there must be a secret to making it work. When they pull, we make sure we don't engulf them? When they push, we make sure we don't abandon them? I simply don't know if anything works.
Yes, all of my friends are either married or in LTRs. I was engaged so I thought that was my life too. I am working to understand the difference between loneliness and solitude. I am trying to show myself I can tolerate the loneliness. And everyday I do NC I show myself how strong I am. At this point I'd rather be lonely than treated so much less than what I am worth. "never let someone treat you like a paper plate when you are a fine piece of china." I agree. I was doing emotional and mental yoga with him. No matter how I bent his moods and emotions simply overpowered all of the skills I tried. I don't think anything works which is why I guess we can't cure or control it. <3
Tangy, im sure you are fun and exciting, never let your ex make you think you aren't. I often sit around and think "well am i boring? Am i lame?" The answer from those who truly love me is always "NO!". But most importantly remember that you are immensely compassionate. Think about it, the emotional endurance it requires to endure the abuse of a pwBPD and still love them and wish them the best. Hang in there bud, im in the same place.
Best wishes,
SG
You're right. No one else in my life thinks these things about me either. In fact one of the times we broke up, I said... .I don't get it... .everyone else loves to be around me and values having me in their life... .and he said... ."so what does that tell you?" And he was hinting at that I'm not the problem. Sometimes he was very self-effacing... .and I truly think the times he was nasty it was because of the deep shame and he just hated me for bringing it out in him. I represent continuity. The nature of my being demands him to be a consistent person and he can't be. So therefore I have to go. I hope you are doing well this evening.
